Mixed

Night holds me in its embrace
wind whipping at my chains
the fire biting at my skin
al an illusion all an illusion
this dream finally turning
the clouds finally rising
the mood disappears
the stars show their faces
shadows appear this night
this nightmare shatters
the stones they clatter
everything so clear
no pain nor despair
we are only mortal
what more can you wish for from me
we all dream of an angels kiss
reach higher than the stars
we get shot down
silently tumbling off the cliff
crashing glass shattering dreams
our tale never ends
forever our words go on and on

DON'T GROW UP TO FAST!!

QUIT GROWING UP TO FAST!

I see all these little girls that are pressuring themselves to be "mature' and "adult like". Stop it please and enjoy your youth while you can!! If you don't do that then when you really become an adult you will be facing a lot more regret than you'll imagine. Your a  kid because your supposed to be one your not supposed to grow up. Get an imagination play some stupid kiddie flash games don't let you parents pressure you into growing up fast because its a bad idea. 

Quit wearing makeup it doesn't belong on your face before high school. Live as a young girl or boy be silly have fun get dirty play sports climb trees. 

Its not healthy for your mind or your body to try and take something you can't handle. you can't handle being an adult if your not an adult. 

Now that I'm almost a  full adult I find myself with no regret behind me. I almost made the mistake of trying to act older than I was. Before it was too later though luckily I realized just how important my youth was and i lived it to the fullest. I have absolutely no regrets now that I'm almost an adult. I can't wait to go out inot the world and show them what a women I've become. I'm sure I'll still get to do the fun and games like before but I'll be in college again and Ill have a job and I'll be able to be the grown up me without worrying that I wasted my life. 

Another thing for all those people that are in High School right now. When you get out you're going to wish you were back in and you're going to wish you had that time back. your going to wish you were younger and you hadn't rushed it so much. I did go through that stage. I have no regrets about my life outside of school but when it comes to school I have a lot of regrets. I wish I could do it al over again and try harder. So do your best and be the best person you can be

enjoy your life while you are still young.

I'm Thankful For

I'm thankful for my mom, my family, my dog, our house, my life, my hair, my clothes, all the inatimate objects in my house, the mountains, the hills, the lake, the sea, fish,  the Olympics, God, church, friends, fruit, candy, digital art programs like Paint. NET and Photo shop and SUMOpaint, computer speakers, a new mouse, all of my socks, my slinky, the radio, our fine china, my sister being a rock star, the flowers that bloom in the spring, jobs, our new president, gum, Canada, my grandparents, sticky notes, sharpies, grape vines, trees, my precious birtch tree, greek myths, fairy tailes, manga, anime, online friends, facebook, blogging sites XANGA, Twitter, COLOURlovers, Gmail, ice cream, English tofee, presents of any kind, words, clay, cell phones, church, jesus, everything about my LDS faith, sidewalk chalk, colored pencils, dishwashers, dreyers, washers, bounce sheets for the dryers, comedians, Smallville, TV shows, Jigsaw Puzzles, mazes, oldschool Win95 games, flash games, fruit, the sky, the clouds, the monsters under my bed, the marshmallows I stole out of your cupboard, humor, stupid humor, Sam,  Dylan, all the people I've had a crush on in the past, school, teachers, libraries, DVDs, video tapes, my green floor, snow, rain, Porcelen Dolls, old dolls, barbie movies, old movies or old things in general, okay now I'm going to eat.... *runs off*

Your Xanga Theme...

Does it reflect who you are? 

I think that everyone's site should have a look that fits them and reflects who they are. I have mine the way it is because I love cute things and bright things and it just gives off a good vibe. I'm a positive person so I have a positive theme.

When I first signed up here I couldn't wait to spend a half an hour making my own theme. this was one of the big reasons why I am still attached to xanga, because I don't have to fork out money to have the theme I want, the theme that reflects my personality. Its just not good enough if I can't be myself, if the place where I am can't look the way I want it to look. it just wouldn't be the same if I couldn't have a theme of my own.

I am going to go premium pretty soon, I'm just trying to get a job right now.

I would still probably most likely be on Xanga if I didn't have this option of custom themes but it just wouldn't feel like my blog, my special place. I probably wouldn't feel like blogging as much on here. Not being able to have my blog the way I want it without forking out money first has been one of the biggest turn offs for me when it comes to other blog sites. Some of us are dedicated bloggers but aren't able to give up money and want to have it the way we want it still. 

Is the theme on your blog important to you? What does your reflect?

I Wish

I wish that I could create
i wish I could fly
I wish to be loved by someone
I wish to live forever
I wish to have my song heard by everyone
I wish I could breathe under water
I wish I could make everyone happy
I wish I didn't have to sleep
I wish for world peace for a year I ask of nothing more
I wish people would stop being so blind and realize what actually matters

---

 So what do you truly wish for?
I don't care about money, i don't care about material possessions. I don't want your sympathy, it only hurts me. I just want to las forever and never be forgotten. If it doesn't last forever I don't care about it.
Objects mean nothing to me at all. Money is worthless to me
music, creativity, words, life. There aren't very many things that last forever but those are the sweetest things in life, the things that really mean something.
Its not the book itself that is valuable, its the words it contains. the book is just a shell it means nothing.
If there really is no heaven I would rather live in ignorance and die happy and have hope then believe that we don't have a purpose greater than ourselves greater than we can comprehend. to be an object of just chance would be sad indeed to me.
I'm the kind of person that believes that there is  a reason for everything.
Laziness gets you nothing but sadness.
Think deeply all your days never waste a moment.
Always wish for something higher than you it might just happen

Internet Relationship Drama

Should I be mad at my best friend?

Okay, stupid question. 
I met this guy named Richie on this anime website I used to post on. We were both 17. We had everything in common, our likes, our dislikes, our personality. Richie is in a band. he didn't get to talk to me much but we were in a relationship for a little over a year.
My best friend loved him for a long time. She made no  secret of that. I started to get distant from Richie and eventually broke up with him. Just like I thought I would do I started to feel guilty and tried to go back but soon figured out that I'd been dumb and now I had to pay the price for my actions. 

Soon after they started getting closer. I think they're together now but I haven't asked her. We haven't talked very often but are still very close. Things have been crazy and I had to get rid of my phone and stuff so not much communication going on here. 

I won't deny it I am jealous. Even though it was MY fault. Sometimes I am mad at her because sometimes I think that it was her fault that we broke up. Then I realize that I'm being a baby because I was the one who started loving someone else.

Every time I get into this mood and come out I realize just how messed up the human race is. We are all selfish beings. That is why we cheat. I admit that I was cheating on Richie the whole time (excluding the time before 2007 because I didn't have the nerve to talk to the other guy until after the New Year).  I do feel guilty. 

there was a time (it comes and goes) when I actually hated her because they are together (maybe) 

oh by the way I wasn't dating the other guy we've just been friends. But so far as the heart goes I was cheating on Richie. 

I do still want him back but its never going to happen and I'm aware that internet dating the way I was doing it is dumb. I know that i shouldn't get into another relationship online. They're just not for me.

Paintings that Will Never Be Painted.

so sad how some of us are cursed with no artistic talent when it comes to painting and drawing. I see the images but my brain just doesn't understand how to apply that to my hands, to actually create those images on canvas. 

I have tried so many times but my brain just doesn't get it at all. The images just come out looking like something a 2 year old would draw and that confuses me more. To literally not understand how to do something is so frustrating. 

I've always seen these beautiful images, these places, these people inside my head. I've never liked the fact that I can't share them with people, I cant share these colorful vibrant images with everyone. Something like that for me is torture. some of the simplest things seem hard for me and yet some of the more difficult things that people struggle with every day seem like picking up a piece of paper to me. Having bad vision really sucks.  

If I could I would just sit for hours at a canvas and express everything I see, hear, think of, in a painting or drawing. I would open the gates of my mind to everyone. Sadly that will never be. I am a victim of loss of depth perception, blurry vision and involuntary eye movement and a brain that has trouble understanding stuff. You have no idea how maddening it is for me. I feel like I've locked up in  a box and I'll never get out. 

I really hate being bottled up and chained to the wall. I'm hoping that I'll come to accomplish the one thing I've always wanted but never had through digital art. I'm hoping that this will be the thing that shatters the wall and opens up the gates. I've already started learning how to do digital art. I'm pretty good right now but I haven't done anything really that professional yet. I can't wait till I get my hands on Ultra Fractal and Photoshop. I might be having false hope but at least I have hope.

Ashes and Dust

Ashes and dust of my lingering spirit
fire within me you can now hear it.
These shadows of silence chasing me faster
binding my heart, a mighty spell caster.
Taking my breath , to an un heard of speed
sprouting this vicious and hell bound seed.
These firey ashes both blinding and burning.
my hearts freedom it's silently yearning.
I can hear the screams, the terrible sight.
i spread my wings, they're clipped when i take flight
burning and yearning for heavens great kiss. 
unsuccessfully reaching for heavens great bliss. 
those heavenly clouds I see but can't reach
to God I do so strongly beseech

To Be Able to hear Everything.

You've heard of Terrets Syndrome, that condition where you can't stop making un voluntary movements of your body. I recently watched a video about this guy that has it. It was about how he found comfort in playing the piano. this isn't about that but about a part of the movie that really got me thinking.

What would it be like to notice everything around you? To hear and to see, to notice every little thing. As he described it its crazy. Imagine what that must be like! We as humans aren't exactly built for something like that so of course it would drive us almost mad like it does to him but imagine what it would be like if we could! 

This made tastes a little bit of what it is like to be like God every day, he hears every little noise around him and everything is just so clear! Clear but maddening because our brains weren't built to take in that much. 

I would love to have that ability for a day, only for a day. I know that if my wish came true it would probably become really hard for me but after it went away imagine having that memory, what its like to be aware of everything around you to see and to hear everything. something that is curse to someone could be a blessing to someone else.

We're all so blind to everything around us all the time, we don't notice things that go around us from day to day.  I would gladly take a  curse like that from someone and make it into my treasure.

so many experiences that disabled people like me and this guy have seem like they would be curses, but they don't have to be that way. 

Like I grew up with really bad vision. Because of this i'm not obsessed with the look of things I see things as they actually are, I understand the importance of things that other people don't noticed very often. You're probably thinking that I would regret wishing for an ability such as the one that this man has but even I f I did I would still at the same time be grateful. My mind would be that much more aware of everything like I love to be. I love seeing everything as it is, and not being distracted by the physical appearance. 

I hope this made some sense.

I'm So Disappointed in Walmart

they should really look more into the games they get for the store. I've been turned off by one I just recently tried.

Its this game that has 50,000 games on it. Sounds pretty good but its not. When I installed this game it had SO many trojan agents it was crazy! The games were there but so were the viruses. I was just like staring at the many pop ups that came up when my AVG anti virus caught those little buggers. I got rid of the games on the computer and uninstalled them after that and then told everyone in the house about it.

As you can probably guess I am a little turned off from buying games from the store now. You never know what you're really getting. I've downloaded games from the internet that were cleaner than this. 

As I said earlier stores should really look more into the items they stock on the shelves. 

If I can find the Walmart page for it or a picture I'll put it up later. I'm currently looking for it. Its just called 50,000 games.

Daydreaming

Your on a cliff dangling from the edge. blood is trickling from your arm. The ground is shaking slightly from the earthquake that just happened. your love is screaming at you trying to pull you up, saying he loves you. Your hands start to slip and your heart is beating faster than it ever has in your whole life. You look down only to see a large amount of lava burning below. You shudder at the bright orange liquid and try to pull your self up. 

Then your lover sneezes and looses hold of your hand.

you can hear him screaming for you as you tumble to your imminent death. Suddenly the heat disappears, you should be getting hotter but your getting cooler and soon you're really confused. You look down and what you see isn't lava but orange jello waiting for you at the bottom. When you make the impact you do it 10 feet deep and you have to literally swim out of it. you then tell your lover about it by yelling up to him. You both exchange confused glances and he shortly rockets down and comes and gets you. When you get out you have to wipe off large amounts of jello that went down your pants and short and your all sticky now.

aren't daydreams weird?

Christmas List Hold Up!

hahaha...ha...
For the first time in my life I don't know what I want for Christmas!!
I only have like 3 things on my list and they aren't that much or anything.
so far I've only been able to think up these three things.

Bejeweled Twist (new Bejeweled Game) 

Magna Sketch  (the hop pink sketch pads you can draw on  with fa fake pen and you peel up the pink stuff to make it erase) I love those!

Ultra Fractal (the coolest fractal maker that I know of, I want it soooooo bad!)

I'm not a very (WANTY) person I hardly want anything at all. Its just frustrating because this is the one time of year that I can ask for everything I want. Everything I want I know I won't get because we are not rich. Let me give you THAT list

Photoshop
macbookPro
Digital Camera (with SOUND) unlike the one I have now that doesn't have it!
Nintendo DS
Nintendo Wii
lots of new clothes!
a new bed with a new bed set 
CARPET on my floor!!! its so cold!!

that's all I can think up right now but I think you see what I mean. All this stuff is really expensive! 

Anyway I know I'll figure it out eventually.

American Horror Films Suck.

Man! do they suck. After you've seen a Japanese horror film US films will seem like trash to you. I've forgotten how much I hate US horror films. I just attempted to watch one that my parents rented and we got like 20 minutes into it (it was miserable for all of us but we thought it would get better. When I remember the name of the movie or go look at the title later I'll edit in to this post but I cant remember what it was called (funny eh?) I'm not that surprised.

this movie lacked plot, good camera work, it had too much swearing, it was rated PG13 but I think it would have been better off if it was an R film because that is what it seemed like to me. IT SUCKED! I have never seen such a bad film in my life since I was War of the Worlds. Or course this is just my opinion but I don't really see how anyone could like such a crappy movie. 

There's a Japanese horror called "Reincarnation" and another one called "Suicide circle' just watch those and you'll never be satisfied by a US film again. (have to warn you about the second one I mentioned it stays true to the title not for minors at all).  

Aren't horror films made to scare people and give them thrills? well I don't think they're doing such a dandy job of it.  I hardly get a thrill out of anything that is made in the US these days. I know this isn't limited to just the US I'm sure that other countries TV shows, and movies suck as well. 

Anyway thats all I have to say about this right now if I think of anymore i'll edit this.

2 Problems I have at the Moment.

Sorry I haven't been writing, I haven't been able to think of anything to write about lately. My life has been so crazy and stuff. I'm having to deal with two problems that interfere with my internet usage. I swear I'm cursed. 

You see some people wish that they couldn't get addicted to anything. I think I've accomplished their dream. I get bored of EVERYTHING I do no matter what it is. I just lose the motivation to play it, or do it, or whatever. this is the reason why you haven't seen me on here in almost 2 weeks. I have a major problem. Like when I play video games I can only play for 10 minutes then I get so bored I could turn into stone. it happens with websites. My max is a week then I don't go on it for like a week or sometimes a month and my activity is never the same. I always have to find something new to do constantly or I get bored, or depressed or feel like my life has no meaning in it.

I've finally thought of something to write about today I'm so glad. Its been frustrating not being able to think of anything to write. I did get bored of xanga but not quite in the same way that happens to other websites. I was just spending too much time on it and I started to get that thought. "I could be doing something else, is my life really this empty? Do I have a purpose?" Unlike mostly ever other site out there I don't get bored of xanga for long periods of time. I get everything i want here. Attention, plenty of stuff to read, I get to meet cool people, it feels like real life to me. I've concluded in the past that this kind of website is the kind I never really get bored of easily.

I wanted to come on here and post. I got bored of it for like 3 days and then after that I was faces with the crisis of to having anything to write about. So that's what has been happening.

I have a few things now but I might need to get some writers block help or something.