Good News!

Yeah, good news. I will be back on the first of the month and I will be adding all the stuff I haven't posted. Quite a few things have been happening since I decided to takea  brak and I have been thinking about what I want to write about.  I am looking forward to a new month! Sorry this is so short. I'll tell you about everything you have been missing when I get back. For now thought I will just leave it like this. :)

Twister Fun

So nothing much happened today. I am on my 5th day of being off my diet again because of *girl stuff*. I'm going on my diet again tomorrow. My dad made Texas Beef Skillet earlier this evening. My day has been pretty normal, except for the evening, it was pretty fun. My ward has an activity every monday, in my church every monday is FHE, or Family Home Evening. We either have a lession or do an activity with our families, or those of us that are in the singles ward can just go to our ward FHE. We do all kinds of fun stuff in ward FHE. Tonight we played Twister on a giant Twister mat. I won the first round it was really fun. I mad it half way through the second round, and 3/ 4ths through the 3rd round. There was a 4th round but I stayed out of that one.

Here is a video of us playing. I should have had someone else take the video so I could be in it haha. I'm not in it of course.

(inserting video here soon)

Things have been pretty quiet the past week, I've just been doing the usual like doing stuff on facebook, yahoo answers, reading manga, watching youtube videos, reading stuff on Psychology Today, surfing Xanga, playing tetris, watching anime, writing new poetry and songs, and a few other things I will mention later.

I'm just going to leave it like this for now. But before I end this here are pictures of tonight's sunlit clouds before the sun set.

(putting pictures here soon just have to upload them from my phone)

Need Some Time

So I was going to post a few days earlier but I need some time to re-charge. I get this way sometimes. I will catch you guys up in a couple days. Sorry for suddenly becoming inactive again over the past 8 days. I wasn't going to do this, but my mind needs some time to re-organize and stuff. I'm sure you will understand. I won't be gone for too long. :)

Nothing that spectacular has happened this week, and I am still taking my time writing about the events of last week. I should have that up really soon. :)

Strawberry Cake

So today was my niece's birthday. We just ate dinner, it was chicken, salad, and potatoes. My sister made a Strawberry cake with strawberry frosting. I just let myself go off my diet for this one meal today, it usually doesn't effect me unless if I do it too much.  We put sparkler candles on her cake, it was funny watching her blow them out. My niece turned 10 today, it's really weird because I still remember the first day she came home from the hospital. She had Jaundice and we had to put her under this special light to help it go away. I was 12 years old, and I was totally new to the situation of having a niece or nephew. I thought it was really cool, I remember I always wanted to hold her whenever I could.

We went out to lunch today at this resteraunt named "Los Hermanos". it's a Mexican Resteraunt, a really great one. I was still following my diet at this part of the day so I had to be careful what I ate though. I got a fajita and just ate the chicken, onions, tomatoes, and beef that was in it. It tasted amazing, I kind of wish I had been able to eat normally though. If I had known earlier in the day before we left that we were going there I would have not took my HCG drops at all today so I could eat normally. I didn't take them before dinner which is why I could eat normally. If you take them and eat normally and it's something that is not something you can eat it makes you gain weight.

My niece ate this really big enchilada meal, we didn't think she would eat the whole thing but she did. Both me and my sister were surprised. We also got her a specialty drink, some kind of raspberry smoothie like drink with whipped cream on it. At some point some of the waiters came and sang happy birthday to her. Usually when it's your birthday you get fried ice cream. I LOVE fried ice cream, it hurt a little to see her eat it without me ha ha.

After we ate we headed over to Kohl's to go shopping. When we got there my niece and my sister went to go look for a watch, I just went off on my own to look around. I went all over the store and looked at purses, clothes, jewelry, and a few other things like bedding. I was thinking of buying this rainbow bedding set I really liked, but I changed my mind because it was kind of expensive.  I ended up getting this stretch ring that is silver, and has all these colorful stones on it, it's really pretty. I did't buy anything but this. I am kind of low on money right now so I have to be careful how much I spend. Sometimes I get carried away and spend too much at the beginning of the month.  I think I was looking around the store for about an hour. I saw my sister a few times, but I didn't go over to her until she bought my nieces stuff. She got a cute stuffed kitty, some jeans, and a watch. We probably would have done more shopping, but my brother had to go to the doctor for an appointment so this was the only store we went to today. My sister was relieved that my niece is still into kids toys haha.

We just went home after that, nothing much happened until dinner.

Anyway, I guess this is all. I am pretty tired so I won't say more than this right now. I have other stuff on my mind but it can wait.

Guys With Motorcycles are Hot

So Darik got a motorcycle a few days ago, and he posted a picture to facebook almost 2 days ago, it was Saturday night I think. I know he is going to look epic riding it, I just hope he doesn't get too many girls falling for him, he is already too cool to comprehend already. I didn't say anything about it on my previous blog posts because I completely forgot to mention it. Just thinking of him riding that thing makes my heart pound. As you can guess all the girls want rides now, I don't blame them, I want one too just like everyone else. haha.  One of his friends named the motorcycle Betty White, which I find totally hilarious. The bike is totally gorgeous. Apparently his friends have one too, they are so lucky.

Pretty normal day today. I was going to go to the store with my sister and take my niece shopping but we decided to wait until her birthday tomorrow to do stuff like that. I spent a lot of time on psychologytoday.com again, colourlovers,  Xanga, and youtube today. I use the Stumble Upon add on to surf through youtube, it comes up with really amazing videos. I also joined a social anxiety forum / website under the name Starya. I am not really afraid to talk to people but I am afraid of interacting / hanging out with people. I thought it would be fun to get to know some people with social problems. I have met a lot of people on there with worse social problems than mine. I have it pretty good. 

I watched She-ra on netfix today. I got up to episode 6. I love that show a lot, and He-man as well.

There was a crazy Thunderstorm yesterday night. It went on for most of the night and in the morning everyone was talking about it. If I can find pictures or video I will show you. It was pretty loud, I somehow managed to sleep through it for the most part by some miracle.

I think I am going to start posting in the mornings. i tend to get some of my deeper, more crative thoughts around morning, or early afternoon. I've noticed over the past few days as I post at night I haven't really written anything that profound, which is really out of character for me. Plus, I tend to be a lot less lazy about putting pictures in my posts in the earlier part of the day. Maybe I just might get around to inserting all the pictures into various posts I have been meaning to put them in.

Anyway, I wish my day was more exciting, I guess we all have uneventful days. The next three days are going to be interesting though with all the stuff that is going to happen. :)

Nothing Much

Today was my mom's birthday. We didn't really do anything but we had hotdogs, and this chocolate dessert, I think it was pudding, not sure though. I didn't eat that stuff, but everyone else did. I'm not breaking my diet until Thursday when I go to the amusement park.

Pretty unventful day today, I have just been reading stuff on Psychology Today's website, and watching anime. I went to church today too as well.

My sister in law came over again with my niece, I am always glad to see her. :)

I really have nothing to say today, Sunday's are sometimes like that for me. I am sure I will have more to tell tomorrow. haha. I didn't want to not post, I guess I could have but I would have felt weird.

I have some thoughts I want to write down, but not tonight. I'll save them for another day.

The Answer

So I finally got Sam's answer finally (read the last two posts before this one). He told me he thought of me as a friend, but not really a close friend. I wont lie, I was kind of hoping for more detail but I know his personality better than that. I knew he would probably choose to be short and precise like that. He also told me he has trouble with affection. I can kind of understand him better now just by knowing that. I am the exact opposite in that area, showing and feeling emotion and affection is like second nature to me. A good thing that came out of it is that ever since I learned this detail about him 12 hours ago I have suddenly gained a new appreciation for my emotion, and my emotional control. I sometimes forget that some people have a harder time with emotion and affection more than I do. Some people just have trouble showing it outwardly, and some inward and outward. I however, usually have an easy time with both of those, probably because I am so well practiced in the art of emotion, and controlling it. I am a very emotional person and I feel a lot after all. I'm going to make sure I put my ability to feel and empathize with people to better use in the future, I've kind of been wasting it. I just realized that today. I have a habit of sometimes taking some things for granted. I was a little disappointed that he doesn't see me as a close friend, but I'm fine with just being friends. I've always been really careful about not pressuring him when it comes to my feelings. I am happy to say I am at peace now.

I slept a lot better last night than I did the night before. It was really nice to get some sleep after how I had been feeling for a couple of days. I did sleep a little during the day again though as well.

Today I spent quite a lot of time on the Psychology Today website, I think my motivation to learn more about psychology has been boosted by the events of today. I suddenly have an even bigger desire to learn how minds work than I did before. I am planning on getting a degree in Psychology when I go back to school after Christmas. I am planning on going into Cognitive Psychology. I have always found the area very alluring.

I went shopping again today with my dad and my sister. We have 2 TVs in our house, but only one of them has a converter box, we have been sharing the converter box between the two TVs. I was going to look for another converter box, but then we realized we probably need an antenna more than another converter box. Our current antenna does not work very well downstairs. We decided to go to Best Buy and look for another antenna. My sister also wanted to go to Kohl's to look at possible presents for my niece as well.

We dropped my sister off at Kohl's and headed over to best buy. When we got there we went straight to the isle that had the antennas. This helper guy that worked at the store showed us which ones were probably the best to use. There was a digital antenna for $70 and then another one with less features that was $30. I decided to wait until the end of the month to get one however because of the price. I am a little limited on cash right now so I had to be careful about how much I spend on what. After this I looked around the store for a little bit for fun. I have been wanting to get a new camcorder for a while, so I went and looked at them. They are really expensive, sometimes I forget how expensive things are.  We ended up not buying anything at Best Buy, but I think I will be back.

We headed over to Kohl's where my sister was. She had decided to wait until after the weekend to get my niece birthday presents because she wanted her to pick out what she wanted instead. She was looking around for stuff for herself though. We were in there for a while. I didn't buy anything there either, but I did find a new bed set that I want to buy next month. My dad went out to the car after a while and me and my sister just went about our business looking at clothes and stuff. I actually wandered around the store for a while and looked at everything they had. I found some pretty cute purses, jewelry, clothes, and some other stuff it was a lot of fun. I will be back there for sure because I want to buy that bed set that I liked.My sister bought some clothes and a purse while we were there.

We went to Harmon's grocery store after this to buy some BBQ sauce. My sister bought some other stuff, I didn't get a good look at what she bought though. I actually ended up looking through the store for a while and ended up buying a new garbage can, one of those little plastic drawer sets that you can put jewelry and stuff in, another plastic container with only 1 drawer that was a little bigger, and a normal plastic container that had a lid, and no drawers.  I also bought some paper and a notebook while I was there. We went home after I bought my stuff.

When I got home we unloaded all the groceries and I cleaned up my room a bit, and switched my old garbage can to my new one. I cleaned up all the paper and stuff off of my floor and put my reciepts in my reciept container with all the others. I put my bracelets, hair stuf, and nail polish in the little set of drawers I bought at the store. I had been keeping them in little plastic Ziploc bags before. I put my art supplies in the bigger container that had one drawer. They had been just lying around all over the place wherever they would fit. 

Anyway, so I have just been walking around the house and listening to music on the computer ever since. I don't think anything else is going to happen tonight. I am glad something happened today, I was a little worried about not having anything good to write about. 

Oh, and I think another thunderstorm is coming our way, yay!.

 

The Anxiety

So yesterday night about an hour and a half after I finished writing my last post I discovered that Sam had texted me. He told me that he would answer my question if I answered his. He asked me how well I really knew him. This question really puzzled me at first, and I didn't know how to answer it for a while. Actually, I came up with multiple possible answers, I didn't know which one to give. It was past midnight at this time, and so I didn't want to text him back just in case he was asleep or something. This made things really hard because I knew I would not get the answer until I answered his question first. I really wanted that answer really badly and this made me really anxious. I was strung up all night and my heart was pounding, I couldn't sleep until probably 5:30am. All I could think of all night was how I was going to answer the question and when I was going to answer it.  Nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, I felt irritated, kind of scared, anxious, hyper, and really curious at the same time.  On top of this I felt a little guilty and frusterated for not noticing his text earlier.

I finally got 3 hours of sleep after a long, hard night. I sent my reply as soon as I woke up. I have been waiting for his reply all day. I really hope I get it soon because not knowing the answer to my question is causing me a lot of edginess and anxiety. Normally I can be a little more patient, but something like this (( read my post from yesterday)) is something I have to know for a lot of reasons. I hate not knowing how people really feel about me it's unsettling. I am not feeling as nervous or anxious now, but I still want the answer really badly. I hope I can sleep better tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I was being a little selfish by asking him such a bold question. I don't know when he will answer, but I hope it's not too long. I hope I didn't make him feel rushed... I kind of come off like that sometimes.

I went on a walk 3 times around our local track in the morning right after I sent him the text, it helped a little. I usually only do it in the night, but I really felt like it right then. I had to get out of the house, I felt to on the edge.

I spent most of my day trying to keep calm by listening to music, watching anime, and doing stuff on facebook and Destiny Online. It did help a little, enough for me not to feel like I was going crazy from anxiety anymore.

I fell asleep again around 11am. I slept for another good 2 or 2 and a half hours. I woke up to my dad asking i I wanted to go to the store. I said yeah, and then fell back asleep for about another 20 minutes. I found him in the back yard and him, me and my sister went to the store not to long after that.

I just bought a few things like chicken and oranges, stuff like that. I was going to buy a movie at Costco as well but decided to wait until the end of the month for that kind of thing. When we were getting the roasted chicken I usually get we decided to wait 10 minutes until the next batch came in. While we were waiting for the new chickens to be done roasting we ran into one of my friends and her mom. This particular friend also has some disabilities. We somehow got into a discussion about getting jobs, like how we were going about looking for jobs and the obstacles that were in our way. My dad actually did most of the talking. We talked about my vision and my Vocational Rehab thing, and about how I'm trying to get a job and how I am doing it. The conversation lasted for a good 10 minutes or so. When it was over we said our goodbyes and went back to what we were doing.

We went back to where the roasted chickens were, they were just putting the new ones out. We picked one and then went along with our business. We got milk and my sister got a few things like chips and cat litter.

After I got all the stuff I was going to get, I of course went straight for the books.  I looked through them for a little bit and found this book about various sciences that had a lot of good pictures and I got it. I was going to get two but decided to wait just like I did with the movie (which actually happened after this).

We separated my stuff and my sisters stuff into two different karts and we bought separately. I got done first and had to wait a few minutes for her to go through the line.

We left after this, but we had to also go to Harmon's to pick up my sister's prescription. My dad went inside as well looking for floor shine for the kitchen floor. I just walked to the isle with all the arts and crafts stuff and looked around for a minute. I didn't find anything I needed though. My dad and my ister were pretty much done by this time anyway. We left after this and went home. I was really hungry and ate some of the chicken right when I got home.

I just went back to what I had been doing before I feel asleep and before I went to the store, nothing really exciting. I did end up sleeping even more, for another 2 or so hours. I was wiped out. One thing that really surprised me is that I actually dreamed about getting the answer from Sam. I thought that was a bit surprising, but I guess I shouldn't have. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, even now I can't get it off my mind it's really important to me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised about having a dream where he answered me. I know it's a bit insane, but this is just how my brain works when I really, truly want something. 

Nothing really exciting happened after this. I did go back to the track right before I started posting this, and walked another 3 laps around it. I had my iPhone with me this time and I listened to music while I walked and thought about stuff. I also almost went back to Harmons for fun but decided not to. I was actually going to do this instead of walk around the track. I think I needed the walk though.

I guess this is all. I don't think anything else is going to happen, it would be cool if it did though. :)

Anyway, going back to watching anime now.

Friends and headaches

EDIT: About an hour after I posted this I found out I didn't see the text Sam sent me.  Oops? He sent me one about 2 hours before I posted this and I didn't see it because my phone was charging.  I'm hoping everything tuns out good. I will update you later. I have no idea what is going to happen yet. He had me answer a question first before he would give me his reply, I just sent that answer to that question. Still waiting for his answer. :)

So today was a little weird. For some reason I felt so cut off from everyone today. I felt ignored, and like everyone was ignoring how I felt. I think it might have something to do with what happened yesterday. For those of you that saw my pulse earlier today, you know this.

So out of the blue yesterday I decided to ask Sam how he felt about me. Or in other words I told him I wasn't sure just how he felt about me and I wasn't sure what exactly I was to him. I honestly don't really know. I mean we are friends and all but I've never really asked him that. I don't even know if he likes me half as much as I like him. Having this hang over my head is not my favorite thing in the world to deal with. I am so open with how I feel about people, I can't help but expect some of that clarity to be given back. Anyway, he never really answered back which has kind of left me in an awkward position. I feel so left in the dark now. Maybe he doesn't know how to answer, maybe he doesn't want to answer. I have NO clue what he is thinking.

As if not knowing how Darik and Dylan feel about me clearly wasn't enough now I have to worry about this. Well, at least I have GOOD ENOUGH idea of how those two feel about me, enough to feel secure, but I don't feel like I have that with Sam right now. I just hope I didn't make Sam feel weird by asking the question, I did not intend that at all. I wish he would answer though.  I became overwhelmed wit the feeling that I was alone earlier today, like I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to and I buckled under the pressure and nearly started to talk to Dylan again. I didn't end up talking to him in the end though, but I did end up talking to Darik. I could tell, and feel that I am not quite ready to talk to Dylan yet again. I still have some things I need to work out before I talk to Dylan again. Anyway, so I told Darik how I was feeling and why I was talking to him again. You wouldn't believe the difference in how I felt after I felt like I had someone to talk to. After I told him how I was feeling I felt so much better. I wasn't really expecting him to reply, and he didn't but that wasn't the point. I know how busy he is so I am not so worried anymore when he doesn't reply to me. I am glad I started talking to Darik again, really glad.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future so far as all my problems are concerned, but I feel like it will be okay. I know it will be hard to overcome the problems I have with Dylan, and with some other people, but I know I can make it if I try my best. Sometimes I don't feel like this, sometimes I feel really depressed and hopeless, but I always come out of it. It's funny how much one person can change your mood in one instant, or even a few seconds. I have obviously chosen my friends wisely.

Anyway, I still have stuff I am worried about, but I don't feel like it is weighing me down. I don't know what is going to happen with Sam either, but I will have good friends like Darik, Dylan, and some of my other friends on and off Xanga to keep me from falling. Not to mention my family and God as well.  I am feeling a whole lot better than I was earlier.

So today I started reading a new manga. I'm reading a manga called "Stardust Wink". It's really great. I am only a few chapters into it and I am already loving it.

Nothing much happened today besides this stuff, just sorting out feelings and stuff. I played tetris, and looked for some new music, stuff like that. Other than that it was a pretty uneventful day. On, and I joined these Christian forums yesterday night, just for fun, and because I felt like I could get a little help at them in some areas. So far the people are very supportive and kind.

My weight loss is going great. I will wait to tell you how much I lost until the end of the month though.

I guess this is enough now. :)

I hope tomorrow will be more exciting.

The Little Things I Love

When you are really depressed and then that one person you really like comes along and you suddenly can't stop smiling.

One rainbow is nice, 2 rainbows is awesome, 3 rainbows is fantastic.

That place in the store that has all those colorful suckers and other candy.

When the flowers bloom in the spring after the cold bitter winter.

When you are in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night and all you can see is glittery stars.

That first bite of food when you are hungry.

that really great place in a book that makes your adrenaline rush.

The smell of pure nature when you go hiking in the mountains.

Long drives where you have no destination, you just go wherever your heart leads.

When that one person you really love walks through the door and you heart skips a beat.

Getting soaked in the rain after being really hot.

Finding cute, random Nicknacs in the store.

When you think you are alone and finally realize there are more people that care than you thought.

When you are afraid and that wind of courage envelops you at last.

freshly picked fruit of all seasons

Roasting stuff over a camp fire with your friends and / or family.

Playing video games or watching TV or a movie and yelling at the TV with your buddies.

The rainbow colored clouds right before the sun sets.

When in the midst of all the bad news good news finally comes.

Seeing that person you love after being separated for so long.

That magical moment right before your first kiss.

When you are putting the last piece of a very big puzzle down.

Watching the kids play silly games out in the yard with their friends.

That wave of inspiration you get out of nowhere when you need it, or even when you don't need it.

Going through various stores, not really looking for anything just looking at everything because you can.

Ice cream on a hot summers day.

Those really fun moments after you had a boring day.

Those silly photos you take with your friends.

When you are walking on the beach, looking off into the distance and it looks like the ocean touches the sky.

When you finally find that one person that just seems perfect for you.

Walking in the Sunset

You have probably heard me mention my local track on occasion. You have also probably heard me mention that I like to go jog or walk on it pretty often. I don't mean that I talk about it often, because I don't on here, but I do go walking and / or jogging on it quite often. More often than not it's just walking more than jogging. The best times to go to the track are usually before sunrise, or right after the sun sets. In the summer the temperature goes down at about that time and more people feel like going to the track. I notice that people tend to stick around the track a few hours (like 1 or 2) before sunset as well. We have periodical soccer games here, some times they have at least 1 soccer game every week, sometimes they have them twice a week or more over here at our local track. Those are probably the only times when the track becomes busier than it does at sunset or before sunrise.

Another thing that attracts people to the track is that it is pretty big and has a great open view of the mountains here and all the scenery. The air is also clear and fresh. It is really pretty. This in turn makes it a great place for running and walking, or just playing games on the big open field in the middle of the track. The track has been here for a long time, I think I was probably 7 or 8 or something like that when they made it. Maybe it was before, I don't quite remember. I do remember that when they were still planting the grass and stuff, before it was done it got really muddy and me and a few of my childhood friends used to get in trouble periodically for playing in the mud. We were kids though so what more could you expect? ha ha.

I don't even know what the track was before it was a track, I don't know if it was anything. Maybe it was just a bunch of empty weedy space before they made it over. I do however remember that across the street from the track there used to be a field of horses. I remember this because me and my friends used to go and feed them carrots on occasion. There is a neighborhood where that field was now though. It's sad those horses had to be moved. It would have been fun to have them around now. I hope they were moved to a better place at least.

Anyway, so today has been a pretty uneventful day. I fell asleep for about 4 hours around noon. I have just been doing stuff on Xanga, listening to music, doing stuff outside, going on facebook and visiting my friends profiles, watching youtube videos, movies, and hanging around with my family. I also played on my DS a little today, mostly Mario kart and stuff. I guess I did enough today for it to actually qualify doing something.

My nieces came into my room today and gave me these cute little things made out of beads. I kind of assume both of them are coasters. One of them is shaped like an 8 pointed star and the other one is just a circle. They might not be anything, they might just be decorations. Either way, they both gave me one and told me to take care of it. I will have to take pictures, maybe someone here can tell me exactly what they are.  All I know for now is that I like them.

We had BBQ chicken for dinner. I am on day 9 of my diet. I only have to do it until the end of the month. Everything is going smoothly. I bought a new bottle of HCG from the store yesterday. The one I was using prior to yesterday was the left over HCG from my failed attempt in June. All those parties and celebrations kind of messed it up. Everything is working out perfectly this month though.

Yesterday when I was texting Sam I asked him what he was doing, he told me he was playing games. I in turn asked him what kind of games he was playing and he said Online games. I told him I had been trying a few online games myself but I hadn't found anything. I didn't bother to tell him about the fact I have been playing Destiny Online for almost 3 years now. It didn't seem like a relevant thing to do because the game itself is horrible. I only go on it because while I WAS playing it I made a lot of friends. I just mostly sit around the city and go AFK a lot now. The game is usually on in the background on my computer 24 / 7. I never really bother to log off. My computer has a sufficient amount of RAM to handle it.

He told me to go to nexon.net after I told him that I had been searching for games. I asked him which ones he was playing. He said that he was trying out Vindictus, Dragon Nest, and Dungeon Fighters Online. I decided to download Dragon Nest first because I have friends from Destiny Online that are playing it as well now. I still have to download and try the other two. I was pretty excited at the prospect of maybe actually being able to DO something with Sam. I still hope we will run into each other in a game sometime, it would be a lot of fun. I still have to figure out how to play the games though. I'm still getting the hang of Dragon Nest, it's a little different than some other games I have played control wise.  I was actually kind of relieved to find out that Sam and I were in different starter areas, because I would have made a complete fool of myself. I can be really clueless sometimes when I am getting to know how a game works. I can usually laugh about it though, it really is funny, but it's also embarrassing when someone I know is involved. I have to admit it kind of made me nervous for a little bit. I am sure it is going to work out fine though.

I have only seen Sam 2 times since the end of high school 4 years ago. It's pretty crazy really. I won't lie, I do really want to see him but I am not one to force things like that so I haven't even said anything to him. It is pretty much up to him and God weather it goes anywhere. I have done everything I am supposed to do, well nearly everything in this area anyway.  I am always careful I don't say too much, even on here because I never know when he is going to read something on my blog here. Some things should just be kept to myself where Sam is concerned.

I am writing a post about how I met him, so far it is 3 pages long in Google Docs. It is going to tell everything from the day I first met him to the present. Sounds pretty long but I don't think it will be too long. I am taking my time typing it though, I'm in no hurry at all. I am all the way up to half way through my senior year of high school when I first started talking to him. I still have a ways to go. I have been meaning to write about him for the longest time now. It doesn't have anything that would give away our location. Like I don't really name the schools names or anything, and I leave out the names of some people and stuff. I know how concerned some people are about privacy so with posts like the one I am typing I am always careful. I'm sure it will give you a clearer picture of just who he is to me and stuff like that. I have been kind of vague without even really meaning to on my blog about him. You guys see me talk about some of my other guy friends but I don't really talk about him that much. Which is pretty weird for me since I usually talk about people I really like a lot on my blog.

Anyway, I don't think anything else is going to happen tonight, and I think this is long enough so I guess I will stop here. Plus, we are going to call my sister and say happy birthday to my nephew Jax. he is turning 1 today! Such a cute little guy!

Day 22

So it has been 22 days since I talked to Dylan. It has been 21 days since I have talked to Darik. So far things are going smoothly. The only thing I am worried about is that I have started dreaming about Dylan more which is really abnormal. I usually never dream about Dylan, it's usually about Darik. It's a little hard distancing myself from them, and I think it's going to be even harder when they start coming to my ward in church again in a few weeks. I wan't to see them, but right now I am not sure if I should talk to them or not when they come. So far the withdrawal hasn't been too bad, I don't feel like I'm suffering or anything by not talking to them. I don't know what is going to happen, but I sure hope it doesn't get harder. right now I'm not sure when I am going to end up talking to them again, I'm kind of taking it one day at a time. I'm really in no hurry, I seriously doubt I'm that important to them honestly. It's not like we ever talk a lot.

For those of you that aren't familiar with the situation, I quit talking to Dylan because I felt like we both needed some space from each  other. I made a lot of mistakes in my friendship with Dylan, stuff that I can't fix now. It's been causing me to feel a large amount of regret and guilt. I tried talking to him about how I feel, but I don't think he wants to deal with it. I don't blame him but it kind of put me at a dead end. I decided after a while that I should probably distance myself from Dylan because I was starting to think about it a little too much. It began to get to me and I was getting really sad and irritated. I think I got on his nerves a little too because I was always sending him really long messages in his facebook inbox. I decided eventually with all the drama that is and was going on between us, and the fact that I was seriously over thinking things, that we needed a break from each other. I think I needed a break more than he needed a break from me but that is okay.

I don't even think he has noticed I have stopped talking to him, I don't think I'm quite that important. I think I made a good choice by deciding to distance myself for a while. I knew that if I was going to do this, I couldn't talk to Darik either, that would have just made things worse. I have no problems with Darik, I sorted those out about a year ago, so WE are fine. Darik always has been a little better at listening to how I feel, I've always liked that about him. He has been one of the only reasons why this whole mess I have created hasn't driven me crazy yet. I made so many mistakes with both of them, but with Dylan, from my point of view I think I was a bit more reckless. I began to over think and be self conscious about my flaws around him and I wasn't being myself. I created this illusion in my head that we were closer than we actually were. When I fixed things with Darik almost a year ago I started noticing all the stuff I felt for Dylan, all this stuff I was and still am insecure about. I neglected to look for and fix the issues in our friendship and now it has become a mess. Issues like I don't feel like I can talk to him like I can talk to Darik. I also have some trust issues, and I sometimes doubt that he would accept me if he found out all my flaws. It's kind of a hard thing to explain. I really shouldn't care, and really if he found out and gave me the expected reaction I could probably just walk away without worrying about anything, but still for some reason I get scared. Probably because I know he is still important to me. Something like that.

In a way the fact that I know and have always known that I like them both a lot more than they like me has made it kind of harder. We haven't really gotten a chance to talk to each other a decent amount for a long time. This makes it so I have to deal with what I feel on my own and that isn't easy. One of the other reasons why I stopped talking to them is because I honestly kind of feel like my friendship is partly 1 sided. I don't feel like we have a very equal friendship. I am always putting in all this effort to try and get them to talk to me, I always have been this way. they have never really tried as hard as me, they have been busy, and they have lots of friends and stuff but I wish they would have tried a little harder. I am not that demanding really. I don't think I have ever really been that important to either of them. If you are wondering why I even bother, you would have to meet them for yourselves. They are both really cool, have a lot of friends, are really smart, and most of the time they are really sweet guys. This is the reason, even though I knew it was probably futile, that I tried so hard to get them to talk to me more.  Eventually it just began to burn me out, and 22 days ago, I decided I had enough and I made the decision finally to distance myself.  I have my limits after all.

Anyway with both of them it has been tough. I used to have a serious obsession with both of them. I had a crush on both of them for a while back when I was in school. You might think it still sounds like I have an obsession, but I just talk about them a lot because I really like them, and because over the past 11 years so many thoughts have been building up in my head I just need to get them all out. If I don't talk about what I am feeling, and what bothers me, after a while it begins to torture me, and / or it becomes an obsession. Talking about them a lot is my way of dealing with things. It's my way of AVOIDING obsession. When I keep things inside they start to torture me and it just makes things worse, so I need to talk about them, to vent my thoughts so they don't drive me crazy. This helps me keep my distance from them as well, and makes me a lot happier.

Anyway, like I said, I am just taking this one day at a time. I don't know what will happen I the future but I know I will be okay.

I will do another post later, I just needed to mind dump / vent again.

You Are (poem)

first off, if you didn't get to read yesterday's post here it is HERE

Anyway, so yesterday at about 1:30am I was inspired again. It happens at the most random times! ha ha.

I hope you guys like it. I will do the audio version later. .

 

You are like the sunrise after the night

You are like a candle in the darkness

You are like the stars that light up the night sky

You are like the rainbow after the rain

 

You are the spring after the winter

You are the laughter after the tears

You are the dream that cures my nightmares

You are the heat when I am cold

 

You are my wings when I am falling

You are my charm when I am cursed

You are my air when I am drowning

You are my first thought when I'm waking

 

You are a diamond that sparkles

You are a prince from a story book

You are a reason why my heart beats loud

You are a silver song that echoes through the walls

Mode of Transportation

I have been looking for alternative modes of transportation. I am legally blind so I can't drive. For the past hour or so I have been looking at scooters, bikes, Rollerblades, etc. The one thing I notice almost right away is everything is EXPENSIVE! Every time I find something I like I always find it's at least $100 or more.  I was thinking of getting a Razor Scooter as well, but the thing is I exceed the weight capacity (at least for now), so that is out of the question. I even looked at the electric Razor scooters and they take even less weight capacity. Transportation is one of the bigger obstacles I have to face in my journey for true independence. I really want to become more independent / self sufficient. Right now I feel like I am too dependant on my parents and that is not a good feeling. Sometimes I feel like they do everything for me. Sometimes I feel like they doubt me a little too much, and sometimes I don't feel like they are motivating enough. I constantly hear then doubt me when I suggest stuff I want to do. I've pretty much realized that I can't keep listening to them all the time, I have to find out for myself what I can and can't do. I guess this is the first step. I have a long way to go in my journey, but I know I will make it someday. I sometimes with that they had been a little more diligent when it comes to teaching me how to take care of myself.  I don't know how, or how long it will take, but someday I will be able to manage on my own. I have seen people with worse disabilities do so.

Sometimes I have a problem with taking the opinions and doubts of other people too seriously, this has been a real road block. This roadblock is something I need to break down completely. I think I will have an easier time gaining motivation and confidence if I do this. I have to make mistakes sometimes.

Sundays aren't really that busy for me ever. I washed my hair yesterday night so I wouldn't have to wake up at 7am to do it. My church starts at 9:30, so I have to wake up early.  My church building is about 15 minutes away, I usually get a ride with another person because I can't drive as you know. Sometimes I fail to get a ride. I either forget, procrastinate, or my ride cancels at the last minute, or doesn't see my text. Today I did not get a ride, I think it was because the people did not see my texts. I hate calling people, I usually avoid that, and it usually works. Sometimes however it doesn't work. I think I might need to try a little harder, get more contacts on my phone, more people that are in my ward. So far since we changed church buildings in March or April I have been pretty good about getting to church. I have only been without a ride 5 or 6 times.

We used to use the church building that is a block away, but they wanted all the single young adults to be together. They organized us into steaks and wards (I am LDS), and so now all the young single adults made up their own stakes (there are 3 stakes here where I live that are just made up of young single adults).  We changed buildings, so it became harder to me to get to church. We used to use the local church building a block away but that changed when they decided to group all the single young adults together. We had to start using the church building near the college. In the past each local stake had 1 singles ward in it, but they decided to just group all our wards into stakes. There are 10 or 15 wards in a stake I think. I think there are over 30 singles wards that are organized into 3 stakes now. That is just in my area, there are even more elsewhere. Wards usually consist of 100 or more people.  People in different areas go to different singles wards, it depends on where you live.

Since I didn't get a ride today I just went to my family ward. Family wards are for people under age 18 or people that are married and have families. Once a person turns 18, or after they go on their mission (for the boys), people usually move to the singles ward. This ward is for young single adults. I have been going to one of these wards for almost 4 years now. Anyway, so I just went to my family ward today. It's always super weird going back to the family ward now that I have been in the singles ward for so long. I really don't like going to my family ward very much. I am usually late for my family ward when I fail to get a ride because my family ward starts a half an hour before my young single adult ward. I usually end up having to go to another wards sacrament meeting to get the sacrament a couple hours later.

Today was fast Sunday, my church has one of those once a month where we fast for at least 2 meals. Some people choose to fast longer.  We usually have a testimony meeting in church on that day as well where anyone can just come up the the pulpit and bear their testimony.  I do that sometimes, but I haven't done it in a few months.

Anyway, I got home about noon and watched anime for a while.  I took another nap about an hour and a half after I got home. I fell asleep listening to the 'Unofficial One Piece Podcast". It's one of my favorite podcasts.

When I woke up it was around 4:30. My dad was making dinner, my sister in law Kayla was here with my niece who is really adorable. They were outside looking at the plants and talking about stuff. I don't remember exactly what they were talking about but I think it was stuff from our childhoods. I was out there for a while listening to them talk. My niece is only about 7 months old now I think, she is adorable. We had her sitting on the picnic table outside in our backyard. Her mom was right behind her making sure she didn't fall off / fall over.

I told my mom about the bees in the swing set, she told me we could probably get rid of them somehow.  I'm sure my nieces would like to be able to play on the swing set again. We need to replace the swings. haha. It doesn't even have a slide right now, we nee to get a new slide as well I think.

At some point when I was outside I went and looked at my neighbor's bunny, it is very cute. I didn't touch it or anything though, it's not used to me yet. I forgot what it's name is. I will make sure to take a picture sometime.

We had dinner around 5 or 6 I think.  My dad made fajitas but I didn't really eat one because it had stuff in it that I can't eat on my diet. I had chicken, tomatoes, and celery for dinner. It was pretty filling as usual.  I don't like beef that much anyway anymore. Ever since I got sick a few months ago I have lost my liking for it pretty much.

I went downstairs after I ate and resumed playing around with "Seamless Studio". It's a new program made by COLOURlovers.com. It's great for making amazing patterns. I have been playing with it all day in little amounts of time.

My visiting teaching companion decided to make an unannounced visit and she took me visiting teaching. I had to hurry and get my shoes on and go. Visiting teaching is where we are assigned to 1 or 2 people in our church ward and we go to their house and teach them a lesson about the gospel. Today we only went to one person't house. The lesson was about the influence of women in the church, how they help keep people's spirits strong, stuff like that. We had a new person to teach this month so we introduced ourselves, told a little bit about ourselves and then gave the lesson. We usually end with a prayer and then go after that. I am usually a little un-enthusiastic about visiting teaching still. I'm not used to social situations and I don't really feel like I am connecting with my companion very well either. I connect with some people better than others. On top of this I'm bad with lessons and as you know I have motivation, and confidence issues.

We actually met our third companion today, it's usually just 2 people that go teaching but for some reason we have 3 now. That is, there are 2 other people besides me.  Before we went into the person's house, while we were waiting for the 3rd person to arrive we just reviewed the lesson. I had no idea what it was about before she picked me up or even that we were going visiting teaching. I guess it was okay, I wish I had been a little more prepared though.

Anyway, after I got home I started searching for alternative modes of transportation. Up until the time when I started typing this I had been doing that.

I don't think anything else is going to happen today, but if it does I will make sure to update. I was going to mind vent today but it looks like this is long enough, so I'll just do that tomorrow ha ha. 

I will also make sure to post the pattern I am making with seamless Studio onto Xanga when I finish and color it.

The Apple Slicer

So a few months ago I found out the joys of using an apple slicer. It had been in one of our drawers in the kitchen for eons, and I never noticed. Before I used to slice the apples myself, and I am horrid with a knife. I'm not good at cutting out the seeds, I usually end up messing up the apple. I didn't eat apples very much because of this reason, I just hated cutting them, and I can't bite into an apple for various reasons I will talk about in another post. That is kind of a long story. Anyway, so using the apple slicer made things so much better for me. You just put it on top of the apple and push down and it slices it into 8 pieces and doesn't waste any of the good part. It cuts out the core as well. Fresh apples are a little harder to cut than older ones. One time I accidentally left one of my fingers under part of the slicer, it wasn't a sharp part, and I smashed my finger pretty bad. I usually use a pretty good amount of body weight when I do it because it slices easier, so when it went down on my finger it went down pretty hard. My finger nail felt pretty weird for a day or so. I'm just glad nothing broke. My favorite kind of apples would either be Golden Delicious, or Green apples. Sometimes the apple is lopsided when you sit it up and it becomes a little tricky to slice it right because it tends to want to fall over or slip.

My dad and I went shopping today, It's really nice to get out sometimes. I think I spend to much time inside sometimes. I needed to go to Costco to get a few things. My dad had to get a hair cut, we drove the place after he came home after running for a few hours. It turned out that the place where he get's his hair cut moved, so he had to backtrack a little and drive back in the direction of the salon. I was dropped off at Good Earth, it's a health food store my mom works at. We figured since it was pretty close to the salon, I needed to buy something at Good Earth, and because my mom was getting off of work soon, he could just leave me at the store until he was done. So I was dropped off at Good earth, I went inside and found the Spry Gum, and the Bert's Bees Lip Balm. I looked around for a bit, but it wasn't to long before I spotted my mom. She clocked out, I bought my stuff and we decided to just walk towards where my dad was getting his hair cut. She didn't want to stay at the store any longer than she had to. Good Earth sells health food, cosmetics, supplements, and a whole bunch of other stuff. I always find it fun to look around the store and see what they have.

So we left the store and started walking down the street to the salon. the cars were noisy, but there were so many of them it was mostly like white noise to me except for when one drove right past me. I like it when a car drives by and you get that sudden breeze that hits you, it feels nice. We walked down the street a ways, my mom was telling me about the various little businesses that were to our right as we waked. We came to an antique store and she asked me if I wanted to go into the store. I said I wasn't sure, we decided to go in though. She called my dad and told him to come to the antique store if we were still in there by the time he got done. I have been in a smaller antique store before, this one was pretty big though. the antique store had all sorts of things like old fashioned cushions, couches, lamps, four poster beds, really big shiny rings and bracelets, hand stitched scarves and stuffed animals, and a lot of other stuff as well. It was pretty interesting just walking through the store and seeing all the old fashioned stuff. I really like old fashioned stuff, it's pretty neat. We were there for about 10 or 15 minutes I think and at some point my dad did walk into the store and he found us. We left pretty soon after this. I think I would like to go back to that store sometime.

I was starving by this time. I hadn't eaten anything for a couple of hours AND I was really thirsty as well. I was supposed to eat a few hours before we left to do all this stuff, but I fell asleep again earlier around 11 or noon and slept until 3pm. We left for the store soon after I woke up, and there wasn't really very much in the fridge I could eat before I went to the store.

I was really glad when we got to Costco, we headed there right after we left the antique store.  On our way there we discovered that the air conditioning was on warm for some reason. We were wondering why it wasn't getting cold when we were in the car the few times before. We all thought it was pretty weird that someone had put it on that setting in the middle of the winter. Then again, someone could have bumped it on accident I suppose. We all got a good laugh out of it because we were starting to think that it was breaking or something. We didn't bother to check it, to see what setting it was on the other times we were in the car.

Anyway so we eventually got to Costco, not to long after we left the antique store. Costco was having one of it's really busy times, there were a ton of people there today. I bought a roasted chicken, celery, Clementines, apples, and some milk. It was nice walking through the store and looking at the various things that were there. I really liked walking into the cold parts of Costco, like the refrigerated part of the store that had the milk, it felt nice. I spotted one of those beds that is also a desk, like it has a desk on bottom and then there is a bed on top above. Kind of like a bunk bed, except for there is a desk below the bed instead of another bed.  I showed it to my mom and told her it was kind of like the one I want to have some day. That would save a lot of space if I had one of those because it usually has drawers and stuff and so you can use the space in your room for other stuff.

After looking at that I looked at the books. Every time I go to Costco I always look at the books and movies. If there is anything good I usually buy 1 or 2 things, sometimes more depending on what the movie or book is, or how much it costs. There wasn't any books I was interested in buying this time however.

I bought my stuff after this and left the store. We went home after this.  It was really nice getting out, and I also managed to get a little exercise which is also great.

When I ride in the car I usually don't listen to the music on the radio. I always make sure to bring my iPhone and my ear buds so I can listen to Pandora in the car. I like listening to normal radio sometimes, but most of the time it's nice to listen to Pandora in the car instead.

I was really glad to get home. Right after I got home I ate some chicken, a Clementine, and some celery. It was pretty filling for me. Nothing much has happened since then, I've just been watching anime and reading stuff on Xanga.  I don't really expect anything else to happen tonight. As for the stuff I did earlier in the morning, it wasn't very much, just read part of a book, went on COLOURlovers, did stuff on Pandora, and played Destiny Online a little bit.

I do have other stuff I want to talk about but I will save it for tomorrow. I think this is long enough.

Plants, Bees, and Magical Fairies!

Sometimes I wish I was a cloud, they can go anywhere, be anything, and only have to worry about carrying too much water. I imagine that if a cloud had emotion, the grayer it got, the worse mood it would be in. If clouds had emotions I'm sure they would be really relieved to let all their rain go, it's quite a burden. But then again, maybe they would be happy, because they get to work for the earth, help keep everything alive. Clouds have a lot of responsibility, but I still think I would want to be a cloud.

My family and my next door neighbors to the right have a joint garden. We are pretty much sharing space to plant stuff, it's become really green lately with all the new plants. We have this place in our back yard on the right as you go in, this big piece of our yard we just use for planting. Every year we grow stuff like cherry tomatoes, corn, strawberries, cabbage, and a lot of other things. We currently have new oak trees growing in our back yard, and a few really old trees that in my opinion need to be chopped down so we can plant new ones that aren't so sick. Then I can't forget out grape vine that stretches all across our back fence, it has some of the best grapes on it every year, the store bought grapes can never come close to the flavor of those grapes.  The raspberries we grow on the left side, and the roses that grow next to them are just lovely and amazing as well. My family has always loved plants, we never have had a fake plastic plant, it's just not the same. 

Our roses are breathtaking every year. I'm not exactly sure when they will bloom again, or if they are going to bloom again but I hope they do because I really want to show you what they look like.

Today I went outside and picked some of my neighbors strawberries and some cherry tomatoes when I was hungry, they tasted really great. I've never had strawberries straight of the plant before, at least I don't think I have. There is something relaxing about planting stuff and picking it. I'm glad my neighbors and my family are sharing a garden.  I'm starting to understand why my grandpa loved his garden so much, it is really relaxing planting, taking care of, and picking stuff from a garden. I'm not quite that good at managing a garden on my own yet, but I hope to someday. I love the feel of dirt on my hands and the plants as they brush my arms. I find gardening really stress relieving.  I think my grandpa felt the same way I do.  I love nature a lot.

We have a birch tree in our front yard. I named it Fred when I was younger. I love that tree so much. I used to carve things into it, love notes, secrets, all sorts of things. As I got older I stopped though, because I have gained a deeper appreciation for nature as I get older. I have a special attachment to trees, especially my birch, it's like my baby. Before we trimmed it a little it used to have these branches that were 5 feet and another one that was 6 feet off the ground. I used to hang off those branches all the time. The tree was always the easiest way to get on the roof when I was younger. I quit doing that when I became older, it kind of lost it's thrill. The branches were so perfectly placed that it was great for climbing and getting onto the roof. My parents would scold my brothers whenever they got caught, me however, I never got caught.

I remember climbing on top of the roof once and climbing all the way to the top and looking over to the other side of the yard and thinking, even though I was young, what a pretty view it was. I think I only did that once, and I'm glad I did not get caught because my mom would have probably had a heart attack. I was always super careful when I got back down, taking every step extra carefully as I went across and down.

We got the tree trimmed about a month ago. These guys that were doing a demonstration for some kind of TV infomercial offered to trim the tree for us. The saw they used was really good, and they obviously knew what they were doing because when it was done the tree looked really great! The branches I used to hang off of, are no longer there, but it looks nicer. I don't think I will be climbing on the roof either, since those branches are gone it's harder to safely climb up and down the tree. It's kind of sad, but I guess it's for the best. It's probably good that other children can't do the same thing I did. I was pretty wise for my age, in my opinion anyway. I never did anything I wasn't sure I could do. I don't think my nieces could do some of the stuff I did when I was younger like climb on roofs. ha ha.

Our next door neighbors went on vacation or something, I'm not sure. We have no fence in our backyard separating our yards. It's fun not having that annoying wood fence in the back yard anymore. Since they were gone today, and I'm not sure when they are going to be back I just went in the back yard and looked around a little. I mostly stayed on my side of the yard. It was cool seeing all the new plants. At some point I sat down on a swing on my old ancient swing set and just gazed around. The swing was a little too low for me so I decided to throw the swing over the top so it would wind around the top bar and become higher.

I did that, but the thing I had forgotten about was there is a BEE HIVE in the swing set somewhere and when I threw the swing over the top where the bees reside I really pissed them off big time. I looked up after I did that and I could see a whole bunch of them flying around and I went running as fast as I could away from the swing set before they could put 2 and 2 together and attack me for disturbing the peace.

it was at this point my nieces that were outside noticed that I was also outside. I wasn't going to play with them but they wanted to play on the neighbors trampoline, so I couldn't really refuse because I love trampolines. I haven't been on a trampoline that much since my best friend Brooke moved away a few years ago.  Me, Devin and Brook used to always hang out on a trampoline and play all sorts of games, would try to do flips, and other stuff as well. It was always fun. I had sort of forgotten how fun a trampoline was.

My nieces and I played some pretty funny games, like raptor tag. One of us would be a raptor, or a different animal of choice, and we would say this rhyme, and once it was done the person that was the animal would chase the other people and the last one that was tagged would be it next. We did different variations of this, like one with a zombie, and one with a snake.  We also played "Crack the egg". It's basically where you hold yourself in the fetal position with your arms hugging your legs and the other people jump around and try to get you to fly apart. I remember when I did it with Brooke and Devin it got really ridiculous sometimes, we were pretty rough ha ha.  My nieces and I were pretty crazy and random on that trampoline, at one point we made up our own unique characters with powers and stuff and we pretended to attack each other with magical powers. Mine was a nature fairy with rainbow fire hair, a blue python around my neck that could turn people to ice, poison rose out of my skin, and my eyes could hypnotize. It got pretty crazy because we kept on adding on the most random abilities to our characters. At one point I had the power to make rainbow clouds that brought down golden lightning. I was thinking up the most random things ever, and so were my nieces.

I haven't played with them like that in a while, we just let our imaginations go and it felt really good. By the time we were done our hair was sticking up in the air and we were shocking each other. Trampolines tend to do that to people, I still find it funny to this day. I still remember me and my friends making our hair stick up on purpose sometimes. It got pretty hilarious.

Anyway, I don't think that is the last I will see of that trampoline. I'm sure I won't see the last of my nieces zombie cat, hybrid pokemon, super fairy games that are so funny, but also fun as well.  I am probably going to stay away from the bee infested swing set now while I'm at it. I'd rather not piss them off again, no sir!

So today was pretty fun, and it hasn't rained at all, the skies have been clear, and it has been blistering hot today. I can't really complain though, I love hot weather.  Nothing much besides this has happened, I was starting to worry that nothing was going to happen today, and I wouldn't have anything to write about, but as you see I was wrong. I love the unpredictability of life, I really do.

I can't wait until everything that is growing outside is in bloom, and I can't wait until our new trees grow, nature is so exciting, and so unpredictable sometimes. 

I don't think anything else is going to happen this evening, but if it does, or if I think of something else I want to say I will update.

Fire Flowers

So I just did my new theme. I've been meaning to do it for weeks now but I never got to it until just now. I was originally going to do a blue, aquamarine, and green one but I decided I wanted colors that are hot. I went on colourlovers.com to find and color my background pattern. It took me a while to find a suitable pattern for the colors I chose. Once I found the pattern I am using now I fell instantly in love with it. The pattern on my CL website is by the same name "Fire Flowers". I really hope you guys like the pattern, and the theme in general, it's been a while since I changed the look of my website.

I use the patterns on that website for my blog themes all the time. Most of the time I just borrow other people's patterns, but they do have a pattern maker on the website you can use to make your own patterns. I haven't gotten the hang of it yet. My patterns always turn out dumb ha ha.

Most of my day has been spent on Xanga today. Xanga, sleep, iPhone games, and facebook a little bit. That has pretty much been my day today. Nothing really exciting, I'm trying to figure out what my next show to watch will be. I don't want to watch the original Star Trek quite yet. I'm taking a break from Star Trek for a couple of days after finishing DS9 yesterday.

I did read a little bit of manga today on mangafox, and mangareader.

My parents did go hiking somewhere today, but I didn't go with them. I'm not really in good enough shape to go hiking for 6 hours yet. I hope to be able to go with them sometime though, it would be really enjoyable.

So far as the weather goes it was one of those half rainy, half sunny days. the second half of the day was sunny, I thik the rain is going to come for another round again soon though. I seriously love thunder storms so I can't really object.

I've been thinking up some new ideas for my blog posts. I won't spoil it for you but I think my blog hasn't been as creative as it should be lately, I think that is going to change soon. I've been really inspired a lot lately, and have gotten so many ideas.

So many things have been going through my head, I have this constant daydream that goes through my head all the time. This daydream would make good story material. I'm thinking of making it into a Xanga only story, one just for my blog readers. I am always adding elements to this particular daydream and it's just getting more and more interesting. I suppose every story starts out like that. I can't wait to get it a little more organized so I can write it down. I've made a few people curious about it lately, I always tell them about this daydream I have running through my head constantly, like a never ending story. They always ask me what it is about, but honestly I couldn't really tell you, except for in story form. It's one of those things you can't describe in just a few words. Most of my thoughts are tied to this story that is running freely through my thoughts all the time.

Anyway, so I guess that is all for today. If anything else happens I will update this.

Updates Are Done

I just finished posting the entries I hadn't posted to Xanga about an hour ago. July5, 6, 9, 12, 13, 16, 18, 21, 23, and 26 are all up now. I will double check my stuff in Google docs later to make sure I didn't forget to post anything. If you ask me I think you should read July 9th's entry, it's pretty long but I worked pretty hard on it.

Nothing much has happened today, I finished watching Star Trek Deep Space Nine though. Most of my day was spent on that, and Xanga.  It's been a pretty nice day today. Nothing else comes to mind right now so I guess this is going to be a short entry. I'm sure now that I am caught up on my entries I will become less lazy about posting.

If I forgot anything I will make sure to add it tomorrow. For now I just want to relax and watch a movie or something.

EDIT: Read "For the Dreamers", and "The Hourglass (time)". as well. July 9th's post is here in case you want a shortcut.

Trying Again

So last week I decided to go on the HCG diet again. June was a bad month to try and do it and I had to wait another month before I could try again. Your body get's used to the HCG drops after about 5 weeks, or it starts to anyway. When that happens you start losing weight slower. So that is why you do it every other month. It get's pretty annoying eating pretty much the same thing every day for a month so even if I didn't have to do it this way I probably would.  I am doing my two day load, I'm on my 2nd day now. I am pretty sure nothing will come up at least for a  few weeks that will stop me from following it perfectly this time.  I am really looking forward to losing more weight. I am also starting my yoga and Palates routine again to help a little more.I am on my 2nd day of my load. Pretty much for the first two days you are on HCG you make sure you are never hungry. You can pretty much eat anything you want for the first two days. After the first two days it becomes harder though. I think I explained it in a previous post. I went to a buffet we have here, this place called "Chukarama". It's a really good place to eat. I went there for my load today. They have really good food. I had a little bit of everything. I started out with potatoes, corn, a scone, and something else that slips my mind right now.  I had ham, a roll, and some peas for my 2nd plate. After that I had a pretty big salad.  For dessert I had strawberry shortcake, and strawberry frozen yogurt. All around it was a pretty good meal. I usually don't eat that much, but when you are loading it's a good thing.

I've been kind of neglecting my jogging, I know that isn't good. I have some motivational issues sometimes and that is pretty much the biggest thing that has stopped me from making more progress than I have made this summer. I will become good at running eventually, I just have to fix some personal issues first though. I love to run a lot it just takes a lot of effort and dedication.  I am positive that sometime soon I will be able to get into it for real. I did go jogging a little bit a couple of weeks ago but it wasn't much. I was just figuring out a good routine, how much I should run, etc. 

I got contacted by my counselor at Vocational Rehab a couple of weeks ago, and also got sent a letter. Vocational rehab is a place where people with disabilities can go and get job counseling. I haven't seen my counselor for a while, probably in a couple of years, which I'm not supposed to do. I managed to get away with it this long somehow.  Anyway, we were informed by letter that I should probably set up and appointment with my councilor. We did that sometime last week.  What happens at vocational rehab is you basically discuss what you think you want to do for a job and your councilor can make suggestions, tell you what you should probably do and probably should not do as well. We talked about possibly finding me some kind of computer related job while I am at school working towards my degree in English. We came up with the idea that I would probably do good in some kind of technical support job, helping people solve problems, something like that. I'm pretty sure my first job will have SOMETHING to do with computers that is for sure. I'm not quite ready to start working with a lot of people, for now it's better for me to find a job where I don't have to work / interact with a lot of people. That kind of job would probably overload my brain and make me really stressed.  it was really nice seeing my councilor, even though I was skeptical at first, and I didn't really want to see him all that much it turned out okay. I'm not sure if I will see him again any time soon but we will see.  I have a feeling that in th end I'm going to end up finding my own job, I'm not sure though.

it has been raining a lot the past couple of weeks. It seems like every other day the day either starts out cloudy, and then gets sunny half way through, or the exact opposite. I have really liked the rain though, because it has been really hot inside my room sometimes. I have been finding myself wanting to get wet a lot lately.  Yesterday when I went to Vocational Rehab, before I left it was only raining a little. Once we got to our destination however it was raining like crazy and I got my wish finally while we were running to the building, I got completely soaked. by the time we got inside, both me and my dad were both dripping wet. It felt really nice quite honestly, to me anyway.  I hope it rains like that again soon.

So you know I have been working on the Star Trek episodes lately. I am on Deep Space Nine now, on season 6. I am almost on season 7. I have been spending a lot of time lately just watching Star Trek. I have always been a fan but never really watched the episodes as seriously as I am now. Star Trek is something I never get tired of.  It has been nice just watching it again. I was really young when it was on TV. My favorite character from TNG is Data, my favorite character from DS9 is Odo, my favorite character from Voyager is 7 of 9. I haven't watched the original series or Enterprise yet. Honestly I'm not sure I will ever watch Enterprise, it just doesn't have the same feel to it.

Besides this stuff that has been happening, nothing much has happened the past couple of days. i should probably note that I added some of the entries I did not post to Xanga. I had them on google docs, but I didn't get them posted on Xanga, I was feeling a bit lazy. I have most of them up now but I stil have a few more July entries to add to my blog.

I guess this is all for now. I will make sure to keep you updated more now that I have my energy back. If I forgot anything I will add it in tomorrow's entry.