Lag Induced Transparency

Laura made some chocolate chip cookies yesterday. We also had a nice salad with some kind of vinaigrette dressing, nits, chicken, and probably something else, but I don't remember. I don't know if it sounds weird, but it was pretty good. The cookies we had after were very welcoming too.
Today I tried out the new OGX Tea Tree Peppermint conditioner I got yesterday. I also tried out some of this hair product I've been saving since before I cut my hair a year ago. Instead of typing out the name, I'll just leave a picture of it below. My hair wasn't long enough for a while to try it, but it is now. I blow dried my hair and it came out soft and smooth. I almost bought some other hair products, yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't waste the money. It seems like I don't need anything else after all. I don't know if it's because of the conditioner, the product, or both, but my hair doesn't have a ton of static like it did before.

Here is my hair today.

I have been using the OGX Coconut milk conditioner for a long time up until a few days ago. I ran out, and I've been using Garnea Fructis 2 in one Shampoo and Conditioner since then. It just doesn't do enough for my hair, so I had to buy a new conditioner.

Oh yeah, here is the other hair product I used today. I think I like it a lot.

I kept this in my hair stuff for a long time without using it. I think it's pretty cool now.

 This is the conditioner I got

I don't do much on Tuesdays anymore since I quit being scheduled. I guess my new manager just doesn't feel like a lot of people need to be scheduled on Tuesday anymore. I used to make ice cream on Tuesday mornings, but now I do it on Saturdays, and I help customers too. I made waffle cones and bowls on Thursdays. I didn't blog a lot after I started working at Coldstone Creamery, so not a lot has been said on here about my job. I'm going to do a job history post soon. It's been a wild ride, and it's worth writing about.

The most eventful thing to happen to me today besides a good hair day, was having to listen to Natalie go through her emotional problems and anxiety. She doesn't know how to control her emotions very well yet. She struggles a lot with some of the same issues I have like OCD, depression, anxiety, and PTSD which I can't relate to a lot. I've never had PTSD to my knowledge. Maybe a bit from losing friends, but she has it worse. I won't give any details beyond this because that would be rude. I just had to write something because it's hard to deal with sometimes and this blog is one of my coping mechanisms. She has a lot of negative energy sometimes and it gets to me. Sometimes I just want to tell her to shut up, but I know that isn't the answer at all, so I'll never do that. It's been a lot harder for her since she turned 18 as well. I know what it's like having a lot of doubts and being confused with adult life.

Heck, I'm still confused with adult life and I'm 30. Haha.

So, I won't say anything bad about her, even though she drives me nuts sometimes. The rest of my day wasn't too eventful. Everyone else went to a choir concert but Natalie and I. I stayed home and played games on Roblox. Yes, I am an avid player of Roblox. I love spending time on there. I have spent less time on there lately because I'm trying to spend less money. I love building houses in Bloxburg and supporting my favorite developers. Also, I struggle a lot socially and being able to spend time having fun in games helps me a lot. It’s simple, and helps me keep my mind off of negative things.

We had tacos for dinner tonight, and after I got on Roblox and my inernet was being stupid while I was trying to play Epic Minigames. Anyway, I had a really cool lag induced bug that made my avatar go transparent. I also got stuck in mid air.

After a few minutes and one disconnection my internet was fine again. I didn't end up playing for a long time. I got off to play some old DOS games on various websites. I played a little Skyroads, and some Ken's Labyrinth. I grew up in the 90's, so I love playing DOS games.

I'm currently watching YouTube videos. This is all for now.

The Dark Cloud

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a really optimistic person. I am strong and I know it. I can handle a lot of things, but sometimes stuff does get to me. I guess work is one of those things. I'm incredibly proud of myself for even lasting this long at Cinnabon because I usually have so many burdens when I'm there. The biggest one is that I always feel like I'm under estimated. I think I've mentioned on a previous occasion on here that I don't really talk much when I'm there. I just find it hard to open up for some reason. There are a few people that I don't feel as much pressure around, but I'm usually not around those people much right now. Mikayla is one of my favorite people there as is Rene, and I think I'm starting to warm up to Rachel as well. I know I've had a lot of inner trouble with Rachel in the past, but I think I'm getting used to her finally after a long time. I guess things are improving for me when it comes to feeling comfortable around some people, but most of the time I do feel like an outsider.

I'm honestly not really sure how to change this. I feel like the vast majority of people at work feel weird around me or are uncomfortable. I feel bad a lot of the time because I don't know what to do or say and I feel like they feel the same. I am not a natural at making conversations. People I feel are easy to talk to are relatively rare. I feel like Mikayla is probably the closest I've ever gotten to having someone I feel I can talk to at work naturally.

In a nutshell, I'm not enjoying work right now. I feel like everything I loved about the job has been taken away. I feel like I've been pushed off to the side and I feel like I'm only in the way and taking up space. Right now I've been regulated to only doing sample shifts and that is one of the worst feelings for me. I feel like the people in charge just see me as a burden to push out of the way. I'm capable of so much, but I feel like no one believes in me and it's taring me apart inside. I've actually started applying for other jobs as of this week. I honestly do not feel like there is room for me at Cinnabon. I just don't know what to do. I wish i could find a way to make things better, but I am usually feeling so weight down in my heart when I'm there I can't think straight. It does somewhat mess with my performance as I get nervous sometimes, but I've always been careful not to let it affect me too much. I have to stay responsible and all that otherwise there will be no hope for me at all. I'm going to stay strong for the time being because I know I can handle everything, but someday I hope i can find a job where people believe in me. I think Jan and Maddie believed in me which is why they hired me. I think I took their presence for granted. I know a lot of people at work disliked Jan, but for me personally I feel she was a bit of a godsend. She gave me my first job and made me feel like I was actually worth something.

I know I haven't written on here for a long while, but I will fill in the blank spaces soon. I think I needed to write about all of this. Knowing myself this won't be the last time I talk about work and it hasn't been the first of course. I think this is good for now. I have a shift in a couple of hours and doing this was probably very smart. Hopefully I'll feel better today. I'm trying very hard to cope with everything. :)

Five Hours

There is always a weird vibe around work. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I just never feel like I really fit in. I definitely do my job to the best of my abilities, but I feel likepeople are reluctant to let me take a little more charge. Sometimes I can’t blame them because I know I’m a bit absent minded, but I wish they would believe in me a little more. I don’t know, maybe I’m not as good at my job as others, I don’t really know. If I’m not I’m pretty sorry about that. I just don’t feel like an equal a lot of the time. I have good days and I have bad days.

It’s been weird doing five hour shifts. One of my fellow coworkers asked me to cover for her. I guess someone had their doubts that i could do her job so they had someone extra there just in case. That kind of thing make me feel really weird, but it’s really rare for me to complain. Marco is prety easy to work with and I enjoy his company well enough. I think the pros might outweigh the cons in this case actually. I’m glad I have a few people I feel like I get along with at work. Though, I don’t think I want to be stuck on five hour shifts any time soon. Four hour shifts are just enough for me right now I’m sure.

We were pretty great at keeping up with everything today. We had full stocks of cinnastix, cinna sweeties, center of the roll, cinnamon rolls, and other stuff. The only thing that went wrong today was that we ran out of the raspberry lemonade mixture, but thankfully we had extra in the fridge. I feel like things have been going smoother since we got the new management. I personally had no trouble with the old one, but it’s been nice the past few weeks since we switched. The manager also handles things at Coldstone, so we have all known him for a while since we all do stuff side by side.

Speaking of Coldstone, they have all of my favorite flavors currently! Mint, mango sorbet, marshmallow, and banana! I got the marshmallow one with chocolate shavings yesterday! It was fabulous!

I actually bought some cinnasweeties yesterday as a snack. I usually try to stay away from buying things from work because they are so unhealthy, but I felt like this was alright this time. The cinna sweeties are actually the healthiest thing we have at Cinnabon. I do get a bit tempted to buy the more unhealthy options, but I’ve been great about that lately.

Yesterday and Thursday were pretty much normal, other than it was a bit busy and we sold more cinna sweeties than usual. Usually we have a bit of trouble selling them even though they aren’t that bad at all. Well, I guess on Thursday they didn’t sell that good. It was just today that they sold good. We made and sold a lot of things. I was so glad when my shift was over though. Thursdays shift was harder because I got stuck taking over sampling for someone. I guess that wasn’t so bad because I got to help someone, but I still hate doing it. I really don’t think that will ever change.

I am excited to go to Bear lake next week and have some fun. I feel like this is making me not enjoy being there so much right now. Usually when I have something to look forward to this happens. I just have one more four hour shift to get through. I really should get to bed because it’s around 3am, but I’m trying to put it off a little I’ll admit. I hate doing the sample shift so much. I’ll get through it somehow.  I just have to remember I’m as free as a bird after that. I decided to condense Thursday and Friday into one post because the events of both days ere pretty similar. One thing I’ve noticed about the past two days and this weird schedule is that it doesn’t help my eating habits. I’ve eaten far too much the past two days. I’m going to crack down on that tomorrow for sure. I’ll tell you more about that tomorrow.

Not Black & White

I am so blessed and I’m sure despite my trials that has always been the case. Life is often portrayed as dull and full of negative things. In the end however that is not the true nature of the world. There is so much color in this world and we should practice finding it. Optimism is something that takes time to develop. It might be hard at first to see the positive but as you keep looking it gets easier and easier. This world really isn’t as bad as people sometimes say it is. There are lots of great things happening. I get the appeal of drama. I understand why the mainstream news focuses on it drama is exciting, but too much is toxic. I really think we need more balance in the news. People are depressed and we need to show each other this world isn’t black and white.

Mixed Feelings

Bleh, I have mixed feelings about today. It's been kind of crazy.

My day started off as pretty normal. I got up and washed my hair, got ready for school, the normal stuff. I actually had milk and peanut butter cookies for breakfast today though, that was different. I forgot to submit a short English assignment for my class, so I did that really quick before school. My sister had a doctor's appointment and she had to leave for a while. I played Destiny Online, listened to music, and submitted that assignment before she got back.

She didn't come back until 10 minutes before class was about to start, we had to hurry to the school. I was feeling kind of neutral abou this situation. I really wasn't that upset about it because my teacher really doesn't make a big deal about me being late. It couldn't be helped today. I was pretty quiet as usual in the car today, I usually do not talk very much when I am in the car. I like to think about stuff when I am moving around like that.  I kind of felt a little bad about having to be late, but it couldn't be helped, so I just tried to ignore this.

I got to my class 10 minutes late, I hurried as fast as I could all the way there and up the flights of stairs. I was pretty out of breath by the time I made it there and made sure I stopped by a drinking fountain right before because my mouth was dry.

The class itself, we just presented these lists, pretty easy lists to the class with our groups we have. We had a question (like ours was "Why is Fast food so popular?") we presented our list of reasons to the class and added details if we wanted. Other groups in class had other questions. It got pretty interesting.

I went to Astronomy afterward, and we talked about the different types of light, and what they effect and how they effect things and people and how they work as well. I accidentally got a little too comfortable for a little bit and almost fell asleep. My friend warned me that might happen haha. The class was really fun though, and interesting as always. We are taking a test in a week though, I'm kind of nervous for that.  I think I will do fine, because I love Astronomy, but I am still a little nervous, because it's a lot of info to take in. Sometimes I forget things. I am always kind of disappointed when class has to be over.

Anyway, today is Friday, so I had no fitness classes, so I was done after Astronomy.

I had a Fruit and nut bar for lunch and took some pictures (I"ll upload them in the morning). I decided I wanted to stay a big longer, so I found a good wifi spot, and watched an episode of Cake Boss. I like the atmosphere at school, so I usually end up staying a bit longer than I need to. I didn't call anyone until 40 minutes after my class had ended. Then it took my dad at least 25 minutes to get to the school and pick me up, so I wasn't home for a while.

I have just been listening to music, watching Cake Boss, playing Destiny online, surfing facebook, and just hanging around the house. After school I found out that one of my friends from Destiny Online was really mad at me for selling a pet he gave me on the game. I had no clue he was the one who gave me the pet, I thought it was just a random person, and so I didn't think about selling it. I felt bad afterwards and I have been trying to contact the person I sold it to to try and trade for a different pet, so I could get his back, but she hasn't answered. Something tells me she doesn't want to give it up and this has been a particular point of stress for me today. I know it is a game, but my friend was so mad at me and I really want to make things right. I once had a different pet on the game a long time ago and one of my other game friends sold that one when I was away, so I know how that feels. I was pretty attached to it as well. I know this sounds a bit silly, but my relationship with Destiny Online has always been unique compared to other games. Alll of us have always been close on the game, and have been through so much the 4 years it's been out. I have a ton of memories on there. I only started blogging on here 2 months before I joined the game. Some of my long disappearances from here have to do with me playing on there in the past. 

Anyway, so I had that to deal with, plus aunt flow decided to visit today **cough cough** , AND I got a really bad bloody nose earlier in the day. I always become kind of drained and a little moody after that happens. That mixed with the other thing made me feel kind of irritated today, and moody and stuff. I've been feeling weird. I guess that is expected though. Oh yeah, not to mention that I hadn't talked to Ronnie for almost 2 days, and this was making me go crazy as well. He is a really cool guy, another friend I met on DO, (If you didn't know that from my previous posts).  He only contacted me about an hour ago. I am so relieved to be talking to him again. I really have been feeling thrown around emotionally today, so I was honestly truly happy to talk to him again.

Anyway, I have pictures and stuff I am planning on adding tomorrow morning. I might add a few other thoughts and feelings too. I am pretty fried today, so I might have to add stuff tomorrow. :)

I'll wait to add the tags tomorrow to. :P

Writer's Slump...

Wow, yes It has been a month since I blogged anything. I have been having a major writer's slump. it happens to me from time to time. I haven't really thought about it lately, but once i started to think about it I started to realize just how many times this has happened. I seem to have a problem with motivation in everything really, even writing, blogging, etc.

I am usually at a loss sometimes as to what I should write, sometimes my life seems so incredibly boring that I can not think of anything to write. sometimes I am just depressed, and / or mad at everyone. I do feel a lot of negative feelings toward the human race sometimes. sometimes I just feel like I should just hide from everyone and not let anyone get to know me. i guess in a way this also contributes to my problem with dropping out of Xanga randomly and not blogging for sometimes 1 to 3 months and sometimes longer in some cases.

I have a lot of things to deal with right now, I can't geta job, I can't go to school right now. Social situations are very hard for me to deal with. I am not very fond of crowds, or repetetive enviroments that lack creativity. Sometimes my repetetive, complicated life just sees kind of pointless. I know that isnt true consciously but I honestly FEEL this way a lot of the time. Like I have no purpose in life, and / or like I am just going to be a nuisance to everyone around me. I feel like I can't do anything great for the world sometimes, like I am just a flaw in the fabric of the universe.

this is just the tip of the iceberg but things like this really effect my activity when it comes to physically writing or blogging on my computer. My brain just shuts down and refuses to think u stuff to blog about sometimes. It is a really frusterating thing for me actually. right now I'm not even thinking about what I am writing I am just simply typing what is going through my head without thinking about it. I think this will help a lot. maybe I should just do this for a couple of days and maybe I will be able to reviveas a blogger. I feel so strange right now...

Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I just don't want to worry about them right now...

So i have been on the HCG diet for like 3 or 4 weeks now. i started in the middle of Janary. I have lost almost 25 pounds already. I am starting to feel a lot better about the way I look. I have been moderately over weight for most of my life and I have always hated it.  I'm glad I'm finally making progress on it finally. Little things like this should make life better for me. I still have a long way to go in my weight loss, like 50 pounds, something like that anyway.

anyway, I'll just stop here...