Endless Photo organizing

So today and yesterday I have spent a good part of the day organizing photos and getting them ready for flickr upload. I have procrastinated this for a long time because I knew it would take forever. I just finally finished just a few minutes ago. Nothing much other than this happened yesterday or today. I did watch some minecraft videos today, and played some Tetris and stuff. I took a nap and just hung around the house and stuff like that.  I've been keeping a close eye on the Xanga fundraiser for the past few days, I really don't want it to close, that would suck for me majorly. 

My flickr page is HERE

We had baked potatoes with cheese and whatever else we wanted to put on them today for dinner. :)

The Highlight of the day was definitely this morning when out of nowhere Ronnie messaged me. he has been having a difficult time and we kind of fell apart for a while. I am glad he is talking to me again. A series of things happened and first he tried pushing me away and then I tried doing the same thing but gave up after a while. Honestly I really hate living my life without him. I hate the void I feel when I don't have him in my life. I'm really hoping he comes over here sometime this year or soon or whatever. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

Oh, and almost forgot, I was taking a nap today and I had this dream I was in Cincinnati or somewhere where Ronnie was. I think my family was on vacation or something like that. I remember walking past some shops or something, kind of seemed like a really weird mall and I realized I was pretty close to him. I was nervous for a minutes and when I walked a little distance away across some street and went into this building where people were getting drinks and playing games I was actually trying to hid my face from him but he saw me. He was happy to see me, and invited me to join him and his friends. I'm not really sure why, probably because my parents were waiting, or because I saw something interesting or because I thought he was nearby still, but I wandered off exploring this place I was in. I was quite stressed when I couldn't find him and a little while later I knew I had to return to my family because I didn't say anything to them about what i was doing. For the rest of the dream I spent the whole time trying to get to him again, it was both exciting and scary at the same time. I met some really weird people including some mob boss that I almost upset. I got pretty close to finding him I think when I was woken up by my niece playing the piano. I was actually relieved when I woke up, because i hadn't really lost track of him in a busy city. haha. This just makes me want to see him even more. :)

Anyway, this is all for now I guess. I'm probably going to listen to some music, or watch some anime, or play minecraft or something.

End of the World

So today is supposedly the end of the world or something. I am LDS and we have different beliefs, but that doesn't mean I haven't had fun reading all the news and hype. It's been a lot of fun following all the craziness. I remember back on New Years Eve 1999 I really believed in the Y2K bug. I thought the world was going to end for real back then or something. I was 11 I think back then and was a little ignorant of this kind of stuff. I used to watch the news, and believe in a lot of crazy things like that. I look back on that and I can laugh a lot. 

Since it's past 11:11 now I guess we can all safely say it was a false alarm. I don't think anyone will be able to predict the end of the world. I think the end of the world will be unexpected. I believe in signs, but even with signs it will be up in the air just when it will happen. I believe that God will choose the right time. 

I have taken a liking to The Huffington Post as of late. I like reading their articles, even of them are ridiculous sometmes. I know it isn't the best news site, and a lot of the stuff I read I try not to take too seriously, but it can be fun, and I have other family members that use it as well. I have been following them on facebook for a while, but I never went to their website much. I like how they have a lot of different sections. There is usually at least one thing I am interested in reading. I think my favorite section is the good news section and the weird news section. I loved reading all their articles about the end of the world as well, some of them are really funny.
Today was Ronnie's birthday. I'm not sure what he did today though. I know he went to a concert, but that is pretty much it. I really hope he had a good day today, it is his birthday after all. He turned 28, he is almost 5 years older than me, but that doesn't matter to me in the slightest. I really hope his Christmas holiday in general turns out better than he thinks it will. I wish I could give him more than words, but we live so far away from each other.

We had our yearly ward church Christmas party. I fell asleep and ended up being thirty minutes late however. When I woke up I quickly got ready, got my jacket, and went upstairs. I wasn't worried about being late, but I would have liked to be on time. My dad apparently was at the store while I was asleep and came home with a LOT of groceries. We moved some of the groceries inside before he took me to the party. I don't think I would have been on time to the party even if I had woken up early because of the store trip. 

When I got to the party everyone was just sitting around in various places and talking. Since the party had started a half an hour earlier everyone had already gotten their food and sat down. They had various kinds of soup, and they also had chocolate cake and salad as well. I am not even sure what most of the soups were, but I know they had cream of broccoli, chicken noodle and chili. I had a bowl of the cream of broccoli, it wasn't quite as good as the one my mom makes, but it was still very good tasting. I also got some salad with ranch dressing and chocolate cake. I sat down at a table, but didn't really know anyone at it that much so I moved to an empty table because a lot of the tables were full. Some people at a table asked me if I wanted to join them. I knew a few at the table so I decided to come over there. We just talked an ate, I didn't talk a whole lot, just mostly listened, but I still had a good time at the table. 

After everyone ate they started to walk around the gym the party was in. Only half of the gym was occupied with tables, the other half had tables with candy, sprinkles, gram crackers, and other stuff for making gingerbread houses. The seats were occupied so I just looked at people's houses and snacked on some of the candy there. There was also a table for making ornaments, a table for writing letters to missionaries, and some other table, but I am not sure what that one was for. 


I didn't really feel like doing any of that stuff at the moment so i just watched and walked around and just observed in general. I know that is incredibly boring, but I am just this way sometimes. I was feeling a little jumpy and didn't want to hold still or sit down and do one thing so I just walked around and watched everything that was going on to satisfy my jumpyness. 

After the party was over and everything started to wind down, they let me bring home some of the pretzels (I just noticed I left them in the car as I type this). I just hung around helping with the cleanup a little for a while, and then I called my sister for a ride home. 

I had been playing games and stuff on my phone a lot while I was at the party, but for some reason near the end the 3G signal quit and I couldn't get online, it kind of sucked a little. I tried to get it back, I even went outside when the party was over while I was waiting for my ride, but for some reason the signal wasn't reaching my phone, it was weird. I gave up after a minute and just went back inside and waited. It didn't take long for my sister to get to the church where the party was held, I went back outside right before she got there. 

When I got home I just ate some chips, went back downstairs, and started watching The Lord of the Rings the Two Towers somewhere online. I am usually pretty good at finding stuff I want to watch, I can find almost anything.  I snacked on some of the chocolate I bought yesterday and on occasion went upstairs to see what everyone else was doing. I am just watching old cartoons on youtube and just hanging out. I'm going to wait until tomorrow to watch the third LoTR movie. 

Moving Like the Wind

       Someone once told me that every person has a red sting of fate. This string of fate starts at the heart and leads to the heart of the person they are fated to be with. I wonder where my red string of fate leads sometimes. I think I have figured it out, but life is so unpredictable that I have no idea what kind of road it is going to throw me onto sometimes. I have a feeling that someday soon my life is going to find itself on another crazy road, but I know I can make it just fine. I have always been a strong person even if it took me a while to figure this out. I have always thought of myself as a phoenix. I am always reborn from the ashes of defeat no matter what. Every time I rise from those mystical silver ashes I become stronger and stronger. I want to spread my wings with someone else someday. I believe everyone has a soul mate, it’s just some of us don’t know where to look sometimes.

My attachment to the sky has gotten even stronger as of late. This is probably because Ronnie loves the sky as much as I do. No matter where we might be, no matter how far, the same sky connects us. No one can take this sole fact away from us. He is the moon in the sky and I am the sea. When he is happy I am happy, and when he is sad I always feel like I have to do something in order to fix it. If I had the power I would do so much more for him than I have. If I knew how to live on my own I probably would have moved closer to where he is already. Apart from my family I don’t really have any strong attachment to very many people over here. I know someday I will get the chance to spread my wings, and when that day comes he will be the first person I fly to. I want the question answered, and I want to know if he is the one for sure. I hope fate will allow our strings of fate to cross someday. Knowing that he has been a lot happier lately has really made me feel a lot lighter. I hope he can hold onto his new found happiness and find the right path for himself.

I feel like I have been a lot more balanced today, both in body and in mind. I noticed it when I went to my yoga class at school for the last time today. We had a two hour class where we went through all the poses in the primary series. We did all the standing poses, the seating poses, and the closing sequence. It took us about an hour and 45 minutes to do everything. When I first came to the class at the beginning of the semester I couldn’t even touch my toes, but now I can put my hands underneath my feet now. I have gotten more fluid and focused and I have mastered the breath we use. I am nowhere near being perfect at the poses in the primary series, but I have improved a lot this semester. It was nice to be able to go through all the poses. We have never got all the way through because the class has always been too short. Usually the class is only an hour, so we have only gotten to do so much every day. I came out of class today feeling very relaxed and energetic. I am going to miss my class, but my teacher teaches at a studio somewhere near here, so I am probably going to get a membership at the studio he teaches at some time soon.

My morning was normal, I just hung out and did my usual, got dressed for yoga, listened to music, read a little, watched some anime. I had 3 tangerines for breakfast. You aren’t supposed to eat very much, if at all before yoga usually. I get carsick on a completely empty stomach though, so I had to eat at least that much. I have an incurable addiction to tangerines. I went an hour early to school and just walked around campus before yoga. I didn’t want to get thirsty during class, so I walked to the school store and bought a Sobe Lifewater. I walked to my yoga class right after this. I always like to be early for yoga so I can get a good spot. I put everything I brought except for my jacket and my purse outside the door of the classroom, grabbed a mat and went in. I carefully wiped off my mat with a Clorox wipe, wrapped my purse in my jacket, and then did some stretches and waited for class to start.

After class I was starving, so I decided to go out to eat. There is this place called “Rocking Robbie’s” on campus that I have taken a liking to. Today was only the second time I have gotten food there. I can’t believe what I have been missing by not eating there. Last time I went there last Friday it was the first time I went there. I had no idea what to expect, but the food sounded good. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich combo with a strawberry shake last time, and this time I ordered the crispy chicken combo but I didn’t get a shake this time.

They always take a few minutes to prepare your food and it always looks and tastes good. Their shakes are made fresh and have big slices of fruit in them, and they always taste great. I have been to a lot of fast food places, but this one is probably the best one I’ve been to so far. I am not very big on fast food, so this is really saying a lot.

Anyway, today was much like yesterday. My parents had another tabernacle choir rehearsal and I just chilled at home and watched anime and made the best of my time. I am going to have to pick up my book again later sometime, it is getting interesting. In high school I was pretty famous for always carrying a book with me. I love to read a lot, and I think I haven’t been reading nearly as much as I should lately. I have a nice long list of books that I need to read and I intend to finish it off.

I went upstairs today and my sister was watching Star Trek again, it is a pretty common thing here for me to go upstairs and find it on all the time. I grew up watching Star Trek, I am also a big fan of it. I have to admit I still need to watch the original one. I miss the days when Star Trek was on, it was always such a big thing for my family. We never seem to get bored of Star Trek.

I know one of these days I’m going to need to do something other than just sitting around and watching anime and reading, but for now it’s nice.

The Sandman

     I can’t believe it’s the last week of school already. My time has always flown by too fast. I think father time must be getting impatient. That or he knows my life is complicated so he tries to speed it up so I don’t get frustrated. I know if father time was real, we would get along just fine. I wonder how he and the sand man would get along, funny thought. In a way you could call God father time I guess. I believe in God, so I guess he can play the part better than anyone else could.

I’ve always pictured fictional characters inside my head, it’s a regular thing for me. If the sandman really existed I think he would live in some mysterious candle lit castle in the clouds. The castle would be made of dark glittering stone, and the towers would reach high and greet the stars. It would be on a hovering stand-alone island. The castle would be surrounded by trees and beautiful gardens and he would have his own servants and maids that took care of everything. The grounds would also have various statues in the form of different mythical and historical figures, and they would all be made of white marble. There would be a large mysterious room somewhere in the castle with lots of containers, pots, and other stuff you would find in a laboratory and a kitchen where he would make his mysterious sleeping sand. He would be quiet, but kind and calm and very mysterious like the whispering breeze.

My day has been pretty calm. As my radio alarm clock went off and I started coming back from the land of the dreamers Ronnie was the first thing I thought about before I opened my eyes. I’ve had other people that have had my waking thoughts throughout my life, but none of them ever gave me the amount of comfort that he does. He takes up so much of my heart now it’s terrifying, but yet exciting. Even if fate decides to be cruel and separate us for real I will probably love him for the rest of my life and will definitely never forget him. It’s strange, even though we have decided to not be in a serious relationship right now, just the fact that he cared enough to let go makes me love him even more. The fact that he was able to end it just proves how much he really cares about me and that gives me the best feeling In the world. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone that has ever cared about me like this before. Its amazing how much you can care about someone who is so far away from you. Just another piece of evidence that proves time and space have no effect on love if you want it to stay the way it is.

It’s been a long time since I have been able to put so much thought into one person like this. My thoughts were so lonely, as was my heart for the longest time. I am so glad I have found someone I can talk to about anything and feel close to. We understand each other so well it’s scary sometimes. I don’t regret even a second I have spent talking to him. He has earned a special place in my heart that no one is ever going to usurp. Thinking about him in the morning gives me a strange satisfaction and makes my day worth living so much more. Every day when I walk through the halls of the University, or go outside, or do anything I have a wish in the center of my heart that our paths will cross and our fates will inter twine someday. I will never deprive my heart of this hope, I will let it burn like a raging fire.

I feel lighter, everything about my life feels lighter now that I have him. We don’t need to be in a relationship to make me feel this way. I am like a breeze that silently moves from place to place. I feel free, natural, open and happy. Everything comes so naturally to me when we talk. I am pretty sure he feels the same way.

As I got out of bed and turned off my alarm clock everything went silent. I turned on my light and walked back over to my laptop that sits on its table beside my bed on the floor. I slowly opened it up and went through my usual morning business where I listen to music, and print off stuff for school if I need to. Today I listened to some music by Nana Mizuki and printed off my final essay for my Astronomy class. I didn’t have as much time to listen to music or do whatever then I usually do. English started an hour earlier, so I only had an hour of free time before I had to leave.

I walked upstairs slowly, my head still drowning in my waking thoughts and was greeted be the sight of a fluffy thin layer of white show on the ground outside. I like to think of snow as clouds that get bored, so they decide to fall from the sky and say hello and just repeat the cycle of falling from and returning to the sky. It’s a silly thought, but I have fun with it. I had Coco Krispies for breakfast and just sat there at the table gazing out at the snow while eating them.

I went back downstairs and made sure all my English assignments were in the folder I put them in so I could turn them in today. I found my jeans, and my black T-shirt with the faded Micky Mouse design on it and got dressed. I decided I wanted to leave my hair down today, but I didn’t want it to get stringy before I went to school so I kept it back in a headband until right before I left.

I got my stuff together and unplugged my phone from it’s charger. I had got the battery all the way down to 6% the night before. Sometimes I just don’t feel like sleeping, so I just stay up watching stuff on Netflix. I put my black boots on and pulled the bottom of my jeans over them and walked out to the car. We decided to take our new car today. It was freezing outside, I had my black jacket with the peacock design on and I wore my soft white fleece hat to keep my hair from getting wet. We got in the car, put our seat belts on and tried to start the car, but it wouldn’t start. We gave up after a few tries and decided to take the other car because I was going to be late if we didn’t. It was just lightly snowing the whole time we were driving. It took us about 20 minutes to get to the University campus, but for some reason today it felt much longer than that. I felt anxious and kind of impatient today for some reason and was glad to get out of the car when we got there. I quickly ran into the school and walked to class.

When I got to the classroom my teacher wasn’t there, but everyone else was. I was a little late, but it didn’t really matter because we weren’t really doing anything today anyway. We all just sat there and did our own thing waiting for the professor to come, but the clock just kept ticking by and she never showed up. A Japanese woman finally walked into the room after about 30 minutes and told us that she could not be here today for personal reasons. We all turned in our English portfolios to her instead and just started doing our own thing. We were supposed to be having a party today, so we brought food. We just hung out for the class period, talked and ate food.

People brought chips, soda, chocolates, popcorn, cookies, cake, salsa and some other stuff. We all had a good time just hanging out talking about random stuff and about our assignments that we had. We took photos before some of us started to leave. The class today was two hours long instead of one. I didn’t talk very much. I just listened to other people talk and ate. I said goodbye to everyone before I left, I only stayed half of the class period.

I walked along the hallways thinking about the snow and wondering what the weather was like where Ronnie lives. I always go into this weird dazed like state between classes where I just walk and think and don’t pay attention to the surroundings around me more than I need to. I am a daydreamer and sometimes I majorly zone out, it’s so like me to do that.

I walked to the school book store and bought the hourglass series by Lisa Mangum. I have wanted to read her series for a long time. There are three books, they are called The Hourglass Door, The Golden Spiral, and the Forgotten Locket. It cost me around $25 to buy all 3 at the same time. After I got done at the book store I walked to my Astronomy class, took out the first book, and began reading it in the hallway. I was 45 minutes early, so this is how I passed my time. I just read a few pages in, very carefully so I got the main feeling of the book. I have a feeling I am really going to enjoy this series a lot.

I thought my Astronomy final was today for some reason. I figured out that I was wrong when I saw a completely different class was going into the planetarium after I went in. I just sat there and tried to figure out when my final was, I was feeling confused right about then. I very quietly went up to the professor that was in the room and asked him where I should go to find out what day my final was on. I found out it’s not until Wednesday. I felt very relieved that I did not miss it.

I decided I was not ready to leave quite yet, so I just walked around campus and watched all the people as they walked by. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get something or fun even though I ate in English. After walking around for a while I decided that it would be a waste of money for me to eat on campus today. I saw a vending machine nearby though, and I decided that I could spend a dollar on a drink. I usually do not drink soda that often, but I figured I could make an exception today. I opened my cherry 7up and walked to the library. I am really glad I don’t have to stress about papers and other assignments for a while now. I sat down at my usual spot at the 1^st floor of the library, plugged my ear buds into my iPhone and started watching some documentary about Star Trek fans that caught my eye on my phone. It’s nice to have something I can pass the time with while I wait for my mom or sister to come and get me.  

I gazed out at the snow through the big windows in the library and just watched as the little flakes landed on the ground. I decided after a few minutes of watching the Star Trek documentary that I would wait until later to watch it. I just sat there and let myself fall deep into my daydreams while I was waiting.

My mom got to the school 30 minutes after I called her. I am not particularly picky about what time I am picked up. I got in the car and we drove home. The windshield wipers on our new car made a loud squeaking noise every time they slid across the glass, it got kind of annoying after a while. We didn’t really talk about anything while we were driving home, this is usually normal for us when we are in the car. I slightly dozed off and let myself drift between the waking world and the dream world. I felt so light, but yet heavy in a strange sort of way in that moment.

When we got home I kicked off my boots, and went downstairs back to my sanctuary. I watched anime and just hung out in my room for most of the rest of the day. I was feeling kind of moody today in the afternoon after I got home, not in a bad way though. I think I might have just been a little over stimulated. I get that way when I am around a lot of people sometimes. My mind just starts to race and my emotions come alive and they try to fly around everywhere, but I can usually keep them in control. I usually watch something dramatic, or listen to quiet music depending on how I feel. Today I watched an anime called “Nana”. Nana is one of my favorite anime of all time. It’s cute, dramatic, romantic, and it makes your head spin sometimes. It’s about music, love, life, it’s just plane amazing. I hope they continue the series where they left off someday, I won’t hold my breath though.

I was so glad I did not have anything else to do today that I did the thing I usually do when I don’t want to do anything, but don’t want to just sit in silence and stare at the wall or the ceiling. I like to just put on music and look at pictures of things or people I like, it’s very relaxing and it frees my mind a lot. I actually do this quite often when I am feeling stressed, and In the mornings when I need to recharge my inner battery. I look at different pictures, and listen to different music depending on what kind of mood I am in.

I crashed for a few hours after school, and slept like the dead. I had started watching the Star Trek documentary again, but started to fall asleep, so I turned it off again and ended up surrendering to the dream world once again.

My mom made minestrone for dinner tonight, she makes really super great minestrone, it really is the best soup ever. I say that about everything she cooks though honestly, it’s all amazing. Haha. It was really nice to wake up to her cooking after a nap. I was pretty hungry, I hadn’t eaten for probably 5 or so hours.

My sister and my nieces put the ornaments on the Christmas tree sometime after my parents left for tabernacle choir practice. I was busy doing my own thing in my own world, I didn’t pay all that much attention to them. I looked at the tree once or twice when they were doing it, but I was so glad to be finally over with all my school work for this semester that I just wanted to relax and keep to myself today.

I grabbed a couple handfuls of pistachios out of the bag on the counter and brought them downstairs with me one of the times I went upstairs to look at the tree. My family is pretty addicted to those things, we all love to eat them. It’s pretty insane how fast we go through them sometimes. I guess you could say we are all a bunch of nut heads. Haha.

Nothing other than this happened that is worth noting, not that I remember anyway. I stalked Ronnie’s profile on facebook for a few minutes earlier when I got bored, he always posts interesting stuff. I don’t think I’ve shared anything that interesting lately on mine, mainly due to school. I should get around to it sometime soon though. It’s usually so normal for me.

Guess who's baaack? FAST FORWARD!

So instead of painstakingly going all the way back to August of last year and trying to insert all the blog entries I have missed, instead of writing individual blog posts for each day I have missed and trying to pretend like they were always there I am just going to summarize everything that has happened in the last year since last August when I started being slow about blogging. Here we go.

 

August: I introduced my first baby picture to facebook, cleared up things with Dylan (I was just being dramatic), I wrote a poem called "You Are" which I will show later, I came up with my motto "I float, I fly, but I never touch the ground. I started walking more, I started taking a serious interest in empathy and my empathic abilities, had my mom's and my nieces Birthday, went to Los Harmonos for my nieces birthday, went to the eye doctor (I am still legally blind). I started watching the Twilight zone, I discovered Minecraft, but didn't start playing yet, I went to a back to school church BBQ, I started doing heavy edits on some of my pictures for fun, went to Lagoon (amusement park) with my ward for a church activity, and became really active in Yahoo Answers and Tetris.

 

September: Got into brain exercise sites like Lumosity and others reached my half way point in weight loss, got a haircut, started reading the Glass Mask manga, continued playing Tetris (that never really wore off remember that). I started walking to the store alone, I joined the Hard Drop Tetris community, got interested in doing T-spins in tetris, did some sunset photography, played a giant game of twister with my church mates, I started using this blog, started using Instagram seriously, listened to my first football game all the way through, it was a really great game. saw Darik and Dylan for the first time in 4 months, got into mines and living statues, got into Masterpiece theater anime, got accepted to uVU, became more conscious about my health and stopped drinking pop, did a whole bunch of tests that helped me figure out what I wanted to do, started playing Minecraft, and had my sister's birthday.

 

October: I dressed up as a golden queen for Halloween, I gained a few pounds from candy back, I seriously started playing Minecraft, I bought Minecraft, started exerimenting with night time themed nails, started making custom My little Ponies for fun, got into My Little Pony Friendship is Magic in general, lost my liking for all Zynga games after I started playing Minecraft, decided i did not want long hair anymore, nearly destroyed my other creations in Minecraft when I was just trying to destroy one of them with TNT blocks.  LDS general Conference, I got over a little case of depression and finally decided I wanted to go into Psychology instead of English, my motivation and happiness went up this month in general. I also kicked some bad habits.

 

November: I renewed my subscription to Pandora One, my dad started seriously making bread, a new Tetris app came to the app store, I made my first reading list, celebrated Thanksgiving, started seriously thinking about using my white cane, had my first facebook profile picture that was me as a baby.

 

December: The power went out for a little bit on the first, cut my hair and regretted it, played my first 100 games in a row on Tetris Friends and won exactly 25 of them, also had one of the luckiest games I have ever played. We started remodeling, tore out all 3 bathrooms and re-did all of them, made an extra room downstairs, painted, did new carpeting, got rid of our ugly brick wall downstairs, got rid of the creaks in the floor, got a new storm door, celebrated Christmas with the family and new, years, everyone caught the flu after Christmas except for me, i only for a minor cold and was lucky. Saw Sam and started to think about letting go of him, switched to the new timeline design on facebook, went to a ward, church Christmas party and brought home lots of candy and stuff. Bought muppet Christmas Carol off of iTunes, finished remodeling the house (upstairs only) Got a new bed set, and moved everything back into my room again. We didn't get the Christmas decorations up until the day before Christmas because of the remodeling.

 

January: New Year, Dyed my hair again, did some family pictures with everyone, finished carpeting and everything else downstairs (I remember that we finished this month, not last month). My room was finished last month though, also the upstairs obviously.  Started my first semester of college in almost 4 years, took Student Success, choir, psychology, and 2 institute classes (teachings of the Living Prophets and Dating and Courtship), got a new laptop, got my textbooks, did a brain drawing in psychology, worked in a group successfully in psychology for the first time, got off to a really great start in school. I found my favorite study spot in the library, started going to Jamba Juice regularly on Mondays at school. Started eating at school for lunch, went shopping, lived off of 94 dollars this month it was crazy after all the shopping I did. Had my first conversation with a complete stranger over lunch. When i was crossing a street my phone fell out of my pocket, when i realized it was gone I retraced my steps and found it without a scratch on it. It was a busy street.  Got used to reading Textbooks, and memorized the university campus.

 

February: Got into a show Called "Merlin", pondered how silly Groundhog day really is, finally officially lost interest in Sam, started looking up 5K plans for running, kicked my habit of not drinking enough water, started using the Calorie Count website, went to Cold Stone Creamery and got some Mint Ice cream. Celebrated both my brother's birhdays,  nothing much happened on Valentine's Day except for FHE (family Home Evening) we made valentines, I didn't really make anything that great, I just fooled around mostly and listened to people talk, I think I remember going to the store that day and getting chocolate for fun. I listened to Nightwish's new album for the first time and got hooked on it for a few weeks,  I found out my intense love for stars is called "Astrophillia". Finally got my feelings for Dylan back, I had been numb for a long time after I lost my best friends.  I bought all of Jane Austen's books, joined Pinterest, my ward did a murder mystery night it was fun, and I went back and watched some old Sesame Street videos I liked and thought about the past. I also did some poetry this month but I will post that later. School was doing great this month.

 

March: Got out my old Marble collection and set it out in the open in my room again, bought some Miyazaki films like Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind,  and the Cat Returns. Had spring break it was kind of borig being out of school.  Started reading the bible but slacked off half way through the month, started looking for 90's cartoons I hadn't seen in years, went to Costco a few times, did not wear green on St. Patricks day due to not having anything green, made a magical girl anime list for some of my friends, bought a digital psychology textbook to help me with memorizing, also bought a 1 year subscription to MyPsychLab. Started eating Sixlets again after a long time, made home made pizza with some friends, I think general conference happened at the end of this month too. I was a little nervous at this time because finals were close in a few weeks.

 

April: Got my own Netflix account, realized how many times i got to text someone but end up not saying anything a lot of the time, started to get a little sad about school ending soon, finished my last homework assignments, did my psychology final, and gave my final presentation in Student Success, did a choir concert, signed up for fall semester classes, got straight A's in all my classes, was a little nervous about the final for psychology at the beginning of the month but it turned out perfect. I finished my psychology final a week earlier than everyone else it was open book and online. Joined Khan Academy, told everyone about my former phobia towards mirrors, finally learned how to take screenshots with my phone. i had never really bothered to learn before. Started jogging / walking a little, but kind of slacked off a little.  Said goodbye to Darik and Dylan for good, it ended really awkwardly which is sad but there is nothing I can do about it now. I'll probably never see them again and even though i do have regrets I will have to deal with it. I learned that expressing myself to them isn't a good idea because they just don't get it. We celebrated Easter and I rally aggravated a few of my teeth with all the candy and nuts. I started using xylitol toothpaste and mouthwash to help my teeth more, before I had been using floride toothpaste and stuff.  Realized that staying inside or inside my room makes me a little crazy and irritable so now I have stopped staying in my room 24/7. one of my friends brought me cupcakes, did a hobo dinner with some friends for an FHE activity one evening it was awesome. We roasted a whole bunch of stuff over a fire and made banana boats as well, we chilled our drinks in the nearby river it was cool. My grades became final, got straight A's for sure.

 

May: Started reading the book of Mormon seriously, went to my brother's graduation, mentioned how I am glad I only have to be out of school for a 3rd of the year, minecraft came to Xbox 360 I do not own an xbox though. I took picture of m goalball trophies and uploaded them to facebook to share with everyone, joined soundcloud, went to seven Peaks a few times, bought a season pass to Seven Peaks,  went to Trafalga with a few of my friends for an FHE activity, went to a party at my friends and swam in her Venice themed swimming pool, also made smoores, and watched a movie as well. went to the Rec Center nearby once,  got my nieces into Phineas and Ferb,  watched Redwall again.  had to cut more branches off our apple tree, found out our next door neighbors are moving.  Got a new wall clock.

 

June (so far): Went shopping for some new clothes, just new shirts. Got a new chair for my room, my family got a new fridge yesterday, I reached episode 85 in Xena, all caught up in Phineas and Ferb again, Made it to Mosiah in the book of Mormon,  Started attending the Temple Prep class in church,  went to Seven Peaks, became really active on Instagram again, roses have bloomed and I took pictures. I went to this place yesterday called the Pizza Pie Cafe and ate pizza, pasta, salad and breadsticks like there was no tomorrow. I also went to a movie (Mirror Mirror) it was fabulous. I had thurch this week, and got all the way to Alma in the Book of Mormon, i reached season 6 in the Xena series, been spending time with my nieces, became really active on Experience Project until someone with a gross picture started following me. I got turned off after that and left. Decided to go back to Xanga, and this is where I am now!

 

I think I am all caught up now. if i forgot anything I will come back and edit this.  Now I can start blogging normally again. :)

 

by the way if you have a blogger also I am also going to be updating that one as well.  (eternalstarryskies)

The Little Things I Love

When you are really depressed and then that one person you really like comes along and you suddenly can't stop smiling.

One rainbow is nice, 2 rainbows is awesome, 3 rainbows is fantastic.

That place in the store that has all those colorful suckers and other candy.

When the flowers bloom in the spring after the cold bitter winter.

When you are in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night and all you can see is glittery stars.

That first bite of food when you are hungry.

that really great place in a book that makes your adrenaline rush.

The smell of pure nature when you go hiking in the mountains.

Long drives where you have no destination, you just go wherever your heart leads.

When that one person you really love walks through the door and you heart skips a beat.

Getting soaked in the rain after being really hot.

Finding cute, random Nicknacs in the store.

When you think you are alone and finally realize there are more people that care than you thought.

When you are afraid and that wind of courage envelops you at last.

freshly picked fruit of all seasons

Roasting stuff over a camp fire with your friends and / or family.

Playing video games or watching TV or a movie and yelling at the TV with your buddies.

The rainbow colored clouds right before the sun sets.

When in the midst of all the bad news good news finally comes.

Seeing that person you love after being separated for so long.

That magical moment right before your first kiss.

When you are putting the last piece of a very big puzzle down.

Watching the kids play silly games out in the yard with their friends.

That wave of inspiration you get out of nowhere when you need it, or even when you don't need it.

Going through various stores, not really looking for anything just looking at everything because you can.

Ice cream on a hot summers day.

Those really fun moments after you had a boring day.

Those silly photos you take with your friends.

When you are walking on the beach, looking off into the distance and it looks like the ocean touches the sky.

When you finally find that one person that just seems perfect for you.

You Are (poem)

first off, if you didn't get to read yesterday's post here it is HERE

Anyway, so yesterday at about 1:30am I was inspired again. It happens at the most random times! ha ha.

I hope you guys like it. I will do the audio version later. .

 

You are like the sunrise after the night

You are like a candle in the darkness

You are like the stars that light up the night sky

You are like the rainbow after the rain

 

You are the spring after the winter

You are the laughter after the tears

You are the dream that cures my nightmares

You are the heat when I am cold

 

You are my wings when I am falling

You are my charm when I am cursed

You are my air when I am drowning

You are my first thought when I'm waking

 

You are a diamond that sparkles

You are a prince from a story book

You are a reason why my heart beats loud

You are a silver song that echoes through the walls

The Hourglass (Time)

Something I wrote for Sam.  :)

I will tell you more about him sometime soon.

Not sure if I'm going to read this one out loud or not since it's supposed to be the lyrics to a song and not just a poem. I'll decide later. :)

 

Looking through the hour glass 

frozen time when he is near

i can see him on his white horse

whispering sweet songs in my ear

the never ending dawn

reflects within my soul

I feel like I could live forever

when you are close to me, when you are near

 

The sands of time shift

Watch the Hourglass shatter

As he comes into view

one step at a time

time is but an illusion

a golden mirage

in the shadow of loves power

 

a lovely heart caught under ice

ignited now by loves sweet spark

just the light no more dark

a frozen clock on the wall

the golden sand on the floor

caught within the angelic gaze

watching as her prince steps near

time stops no more fear.

a blazing fire, all she can hear

 

the sands of time shift

watch the hourglass shatter

as he comes into view

one step at a time

time is but at illusion

a golden mirage

in the shadow of loves power

 

the hourglass turns

the hourglass falls

golden sand spilled on the floor

footsteps echoing

her heart beating faster

just watch as time shatters

see as love ignites

there is no greater power

 

the sands of time shift

watch the hourglass shatter

as he comes into view

one step at a time

time is just an illusion

a golden mirage

in the shadow of loves power

nothing can stop it

nothing can hold it

time is nothing

in the shadow of loves power

it shines forever

Emerald (poem)

Hope you enjoy it!

In case if anyone is wondering who this is about, it's not really about anyone. It's just something I wrote out of nowhere, it happens often. haha. 

Edit: The audio for Sunrise (posted on April 8th) is also up now finally! just go HERE

 

 

Bright emerald flames
Catch my heart on fire
My soul burning
My heart beating fast
His eyes they burn through me
His voice entrances my thoughts
I can’t escape this trap
Fire coursing through my veins
I said i would never love him
My feelings behind that iron door
I thought they could never escape
The sparks ignite, I hear them
An infinate power, a longing desire
I must be crazy, i’m going insane
This venom, this poison
I’m breathing, I’m gasping
I’m hopeless, incurable
I’ve fought this for so long
but now my strength is gone
I love him, there is no cure
For this venom, this emerald fire
This feeling that burns through my soul
I’m caught under his spell
I’m falling under,  I burn to ashes

Believe in Me

I've been feeling really weird today, like when you feel when you are really hungry and your stomach is about to growl. Only when I eat something it doesn't go away. I think it's that beef stuff I ate yesterday night, it tastes pretty good but I think my stomach wasn't to fond of it. I've been feeling a little under the weather today, and I seem to be a little cold sensitive too. I get those random days when everything I touch seems to give twice the feeling it normally does, things feel colder or hotter, it's really strange. I went to church today still even though I felt this way, though I ended up lying down on the couch and listening to the scriptures on my iPhone for the last 2 hours of church. Sitting down seemed to make it stronger.  I took a 3 hour nap after church, I think that helped a lot. I think I was feeling like that also because I didn't get enough sleep yesterday. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes, sometimes I just don't feel like sleeping though. It's been rainy and a little cold today, still in the lower 50's but it felt a lot nicer than it's been feeling. The rain felt extra cold on my skin today however, I really hate that feeling.

Anyway, I just thought I would mention that, but I want to talk about something else.

I don't blame people for doubting me, I have a lot of things I have to overcome and I have not tried my hardest in the past. I was often lazy and did things half hearted. I wish I had tried harder at school, and helped more at home.  I think I used my vision problems and other impairments to get out of a lot of things. For me stuff being easy was first priority, I really regret that now. I think I passed up a lot of opportunities to become a lot stronger and make people see that I am not a weak person.

I think because of these mistakes people have come to think both in the past, and present that I can't do a lot of things. I see it everywhere I go, people always doubting me or telling me I can't do certain things. I know this misconception is mostly my fault, if I had tried harder I could have prevented it.  The times that hurt the most are when my own family members think I can't do something that with just a little help I could do, and learn to do on my own. I sometimes feel that my family and / or friends don't believe in me as much as they should. This feeling is more crippling than you can probably imagine.  It hurts when they doubt me or tell  me I can't do something I know I can learn how to do, it's a real confidence killer. I wish they would take bigger leaps of faith than they have, it's okay for me to make mistakes, I think they try and prevent me from getting hurt, but they also are preventing me from growing. I think I need to make mistakes to be able to grow. I know I'm in for a lot of hard times, but if they just believe in me a little more and don't doubt me as much it will be a lot easier.  I like to have as much support as I can, when I can get it.

I remember in high school they had doubts that I would graduate, I don't really blame them because I honestly didn't try as hard as I should have in school but instead of just looking at what I failed to do, they should have told me I could do it a little more. I remember they did encourage me, but I don't think they did it as much as they should have. I remember they were always tying to make things easier for me, to make things less stressful, I understand why but I think I was denied a lot of growth I could have had. Everyone makes mistakes, so I have no hard feelings.

I am excited to show people what I can do in the future. I feel like I am ready to show people who I truly am. I've been holding myself back so much. I know there are a lot of people out there that will believe in me and help me through it. I hope I can get my family and friends to see my stronger side, I want them to believe in me a lot more than they do now.

Sunrise (poem)

I'm going to go ahead at take the weekend off so I can finish some stuff I'm writing. I will be back on Monday though! Here is a poem before I go. I will post the audio later.  I just want to focus on writing some stuff this weekend, I'm working on some pretty amazing posts but they are taking time and my brain can think of little else right now. It actually feels really nice to be focused on something as much as this. Can't wait until I can show you guys. :)

Edit: (May 23rd The Audio is finally up!)

 

The sun rise in my heart

miracle after the night

once a lonely porcelian doll

sitting on the shelf

kissed by the sweet sunlight

brought to life by love

eternal song in my heart

melody going on forever

something that can't be broken

eternal star shining forth

unbreakable bonds live on

life is like the tide

destiny is like the river

forever we float on the clouds

falling from the sky

love gives us wings

eternal breeze in my heart

living life day to day

happiness is like the rising sun

 

Oh Crimson Rose (poem)

I wrote this one when I was 15 or 16 years old for a church talent show. Hope you like it!

EDIT: The audio for yesterday's poem is up! :)

 

Oh Crimson Rose ,ye love of gold
What great power doth ye behold
For great is thy mercy thy core of love
it flows so sweetly like a dove

Love doth triumph over hate
and those who are under it’s great fate
Ye river of love flow through my soul
Make me pure, oh make me whole

Love, oh force of great power
Bless this earth with your great shower
Your great infurno shining forth
Your blazing fires spreading north

When angels fall from the sky like rain
They will banish the darkness, purge all the pain
With love’s mighty arrows they will do this great task
And free this earth from her blinding mask

Why would we fly upon wings of great white
When God’s love doth make us sore with great flight
Nay! No wings need ye have
For love makes you soar with great height

Love spreads through the sky
It weaves in through light
it purges the darkness
Love gives us great sight

Love blooms like a flower, it starts out small
Soon it becomes great, beautiful and tall
Protecting this world from all things that wrong
and spreading it’s beautiful, wonderful song

Oh rose don’t fade
shine forth your power
Blanket this earth every hour
Never leave us, live forever

My Infinity (poem)

Wrote this for Eric originally, he will never see it though for sure. This was written one day after I woke up after having a dream about him when I was still struggling with my feelings. I remember when I wrote it the first thing I did was posted it on Xanga. I'm sure if you look through my entries way back into early 2010 it's somewhere there in text form. I feel like reading it to you. :)

This was originally a song, but I decided it's better off being a poem after a while.

Enjoy!

Oh and here it is in text form

Reminiscent of the past
I toss in my sleep
Every night I dream of you
A ghost of the past awakening
From the shadows of hell
I dream of you I dream of you
I can still taste his bittersweet love
A once beautiful dream faded
Now shackled to my heart
A once forgotten love awakened

My heart screams for you
My thoughts yearn for you
You torture me
This is my infinity
My curse my hell, my love for you

Every night I see your face
An image seered into my mind
into my heart, into my soul
no one knows my pain
my oblivion is near
I see you with her and I cry
I just want you to be mine again.

My heart Bleeds for you
My thoughts scream for you
You kill me
This is my infinity
My song only for you.

I hear the metal clank
as i carry this burden
my feelings for you, my prison
the moon does not shine for us
the stars have faded
a once forgotten love within
a struggling demon
my love for you, my prison
this is my infinity, my forever curse.

My heart cries for you
My thoughts search for you
You loved me
This is my infinity
My dance, my passion only for you
My thoughts are filled with you
This is my infinity
this is my infinity

Nights Embrace (poem)

I was actually going to do this another day but I'll just post this now. It will give me more time to work on a few other blogs I'm working on. Hope you enjoy!

 

I am actually going to post 2 today so watch for my next poem. I decided to post 2 today because this one is kind of short. :)

Love (poem)

Hope you like it! This is the first time I have read off one of my poems like this. I am planning on doing this more in the future.

Starlight

Starlight
my angel in the skies
break this mirror of deceit
call out the moon
take away my tears
this curtain of night
has tried so long
to shade me
from where I am going
from where I belong

Whisper sweet things in my ear
I’m solitary, so afraid
wrap me in your wings
comfort me, I am not alone
cradle of Starlight
bring me there
from the night
and show me the truth
show me the light

Starchild
sing to me
show me the truth
show me the love
a sparkling fantasy
awaits us all
we all see truth
if we look
within the curtain of night
guide my way
lead me to the sky

Whisper sweet things in my ear
I am solitary, so alone
fly me to the skies
comfort me, I am never alone
angel of starlight
bring me there
from the darkness
pull back the veil of lies
show me the truth

Paradise
the mirror is shattered
the night no more
when darkness is pierced
this power of starlight
guiding my way
through the tretcherous night
find my way at last
to paradise, to light
come follow me
I will guide your way
don’t fear the night
embrace the light

Whisper sweet things in my ear
I’m solitary, so afraid
wrap me in your wings
comfort me I am never alone
cradle of Starlight
bring me there
from the night
and show me the truth
show me the light
show me the paradise
starlight, starlight

I Love Stars

I love stars. I have always loved stars ever since I can remember. I am not only talking about the stars in the sky. I love the shape, I love how stars are used in reference to magic so many times. Stars are magical after all, and stars symbolize so many great things. Stars are used everywhere from every day use in clothing and design, to religion, flags, logos, etc. Everywhere you go you can find stars everywhere.

Stars are a symbol of light and hope. When you look up into the night sky you see the stars. To me the stars in the sky are like guides, no matter how lost or how dark it is the stars can help guide your way. To me Stars symbolize the fact that we are never alone, no matter how dark it is there is always some kind of light shining down on us guiding our way even if we can not see it right then.

I love Star shapes. My favorite kind of clothing is anything that has stars on it. I think stars in clothing, fashion design in general makes everything cuter. Stars make a great design tool, one of the best in my opinion. You can do so many things with stars when you design various things. There are really countless things you can use stars for.

Stars are used often in myths, and other story telling in many different cultures. It seems like every culture has it's own myths and stories about stars, depicting them in many different ways and forms. We did not know very much about the sky for so long, it was just something that we could never reach. This type of thing has caused so many great stories and beliefs to sprout up in the past.

Stars have many different variants and are many different things to many people. Everywhere you go stars have so much history.

One of my favorite things about stars is that they are used a lot in reference to fantasy and magic. Stars are a big part of the world of fantasy, almost like the star is the symbol for magic itself. When I think of magic one of the first things I think of is either glitter, or stars.

I have always loved the sky. When I was young before they put the street lamps on our street and made it so the sky is so hard to see I used to go out every night and just look up at the sky. I would jut sit there and think about various things. I found just thinking about things while I looked up in the sky was very relaxing. Sadly, after they put the street lamps in I could not do this because it made the sky hard to see. This made me really sad. I still love to stargaze though. I still find places I can do it sometimes.

My nickname Starlight Angel I actually got from my friends. A few years back a few of my friends started to notice my really dark eyes more, and they commented on how sometimes when light reflects on my eyes it looks a lot like starlight. The nickname Starlight just stuck after that and I have been using various star names ever since (my current one being Starya). I'm truly glad my friends noticed such a thing. I really love the nickname they gave me.

Anyway, I guess this is it for now.

How do you feel about stars in general? Do you like stars? Why do you like stars?

Oh, I just thought I would post this for fun.

Song: Starlight

Artist: Freedom Call

 

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oSuxbVrpWO8]

Eternal

this freezing wind
the burning sun
his last prayer
her final wish
what is this fate
this hidden power
her desire, his broken heart
she reaches out to him
but he does not notice
he is her wings
she watches him fly
across the moonlit sky
her hidden strength
she loves him so
but words are bound
no light no sound
this thrashing wind
the aging earth
a thousand years past
how long does love last
even stars are not forever
aging time, changing weather.
the only eternity is love
the greatest power is light
her love so bound
even after they are gone
holding hands
they cross the starry sky
for true love makes us fly
this is eternity

A Song I have Been Searching For Forever!

Finally found it!!

Yuki Kajiura - Mezame (via NyaoTsukiyomi)

I looked for this song for literally hours! I could not remember what it was called, or even who sang it at first. :)  This is one of my favorite songs ever, it’s so pretty.

Empathy... or Lack Thereof.

I really should start eating better, I know that very well. When I don’t I have a tendency to get very moody and out of character. I guess this has been happening the last couple of days. I’ve been letting stuff get to me a lot lately. I usually don’t let that happen, I know I am stronger than that. I suppose we all have our weak moments now and then.

I’ve been TRYING to spend more time with my niece’s lately. it’s a lot harder for me than people would imagine. They were born when I was just 13 years old. I knew nothing abut how to raise kids, I was not ready. Certain family problems made it so I had to watch them a lot. I didn’t realize it back then but I really hated watching them, I hated being around them. I took every opportunity I could to get away from them. Deep under the waters of my mind the ice was starting to form inside my heart I did not realize it back then but I was breeding a lot of hatred. I resented the fact that I was the one who had to watch them, I had to change diapers, and make sure they stayed out of trouble and stuff like that. i was so angry because those were supposed to be the years I was at my prime, or so I thought.

I hated it because I felt like I was being cheated out of my childhood. Little by little the ice grew stronger and I started doing little things like when I was angry I would push Natalie when I got frustrated. I stopped doing this but the ice was still growing and it became increasingly more difficult for me to get close to them, to want to be around them. Eventually I began to think up ways to stay away from them, or to avoid babysitting. I even lied a lot saying that I would watch them when I didn’t even care in the least bit about it. Some of you reading this might think that is way out of character for me to be this selfish. That was the consequence of me letting the ice grow in my heart, the anger, the hatred, the resentment, the false longing for them to just disappear. Those feelings are what grew inside my heart for these 9 long years since Natalie, and then Kayla 2 years later was born. 

Kayla was spared most of my icy hatred. I can’t say I have actually really hated her, but I have felt anger. This probably has to do with the fact that Kayla and I have a lot in common, whereas I see Natalie as the exact opposite of me in personality. On countless occasions I would find myself saying that I hated her over and over inside my head. It was my fault I let so much ice build up inside my heart. Selfishness, want, and desire lead to a lot of things if they are abused. I think part of this anger for Natalie is because I felt like she was picking on Kayla a lot which she actually does. I wanted to protect Kayla. I have been like that since she was born, she was the smaller one and I got irritated at Natalie a lot for being bossy and stuff like that. This in combination with my other feelings towards her did not wield good results.

Sometimes I stay away from her for my own good because I get so angry and frustrated that I feel like I could harm her, or yell at her, or something like that. I can’t say that I have improved much but at least I know the truth about my feelings now and I am no longer denying that my behavior is wrong.  Little by little I can feel the ice melting now. It might take a long time for it to be gone though. I adored her when she was first born. I followed her around everywhere. Then I got saddled with all this babysitting and stuff. I felt like what I imagine a young mother feels when they don’t know how to take care of their children. I had no clue how to handle them and these feelings arose from it. If i had been as good at controlling my feelings as I am today back then things probably would have turned out differently.

I’m sort of afraid to interact with other children now. I’m not really surprised this happened as a result though. Maybe this ice, this coldness in my heart is the barrier that makes this happen.

Anyway, I think that’s all I’m going to say for now about that.