I Can't Do It and That's Fine

I've always been a very ambitious person my entire life. Any top career that exists I've probably aspired to it at least once. Growing up I always struggled in school though and had to have a lot of help. All the way through high school I had a lot of help. I'm grateful I was able to get through school with a diploma. I think I grew up with very poor homework skills because of the extra help though. I was pretty much bribed to try. When I got to college I naturally crashed and burned. I had depression because of other stuff and took a break for a few years. I went back and did a few semesters, but I have never been able to get past the general classes. I did do my electives and a few prep English classes, but I hit a huge wall I couldn't overcome.

Four years ago I crashed and burned again and started to question whether or not I wanted to bother with college. I know that sometimes it's good to push through and to do more than you think you can sometimes, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say no. I love learning, but the truth is I believe I am incompatible with college. I am great at learning on my own, but if you put me in a classroom I will cease to function properly. I do not do well with third parties and time constraints. So I decided, I quit. I'm never going back and I am happy with that choice. I could probably find some way to do it, but it would probably come at the cost of my mental health too. It's no longer worth it to me if I have to give up my sanity and I would probably at some time have to go into debt to finish, so forget it.

I won't become anything and I am fine with that now. I will just live the rest of my life student debt free and work a normal low paying job and I will be happy because I know what is important to me. I was never able to figure out what I wanted to do anyway. I want to learn as much as I can on my own and use my knowledge in my own way. I have a lot of interests, so I'll just learn as much as I can about everything on my own. I will find a way to be self employed if I can because I really hate working for other people. If I can't do that I will be fine though. As long as I try my best to make it happen even if I fail and end up working a low paying job for the rest of my life I'll be happy because I tried my best.

I tried my best at college and failed because I'm not willing to go crazy over it. I won't sacrifice my mental health for a job either. I've been there before and I don't ever want to go through that again. No one should have to do that. I know not everyone has the luxury of giving up, but my life circumstances enable me to do so. I have enough support that I will be fine, and so I'm just going to do what I want.

Wouldn't it be funny if this ended up being how I make a living? Just a thought. :)

Semester is Over

Hello everyone!!! I know it's been a while.

School ended 9 days ago, it was a crazy semester! If you remember I only had two classes, history and sociology. History was mostly a lecture class, we talked about everything from religions, to government, and moral code. It was always amazing how she managed to cover the subject material in just one class every time I went. The homework was mostly reading from the two textbooks, we did have one group project and a book report though. My partner did half on mosaics, and I did the other half on renaissance paintings. I did get behind in the readings this semester, but I always got caught up with long study sessions. I think I did OKAY this semester but I probably could have been a lot better about staying caught up. My book report was two months late, I just couldn't read the book it was hard (I had a hard time concentrating). There are other reasons why I had a taught time this semester even though it was pretty easy in reality, but I will talk about those later.

In all honesty I never even touched my sociology book, that is probably the reason why I only got half score on all the tests and why I am going to probably fail that class. I got so stressed with history I just never thought about it because I was so behind in that class all the time and I couldn't get the motivation to do anything most of the time (I'll explain later like I said). Sociology was basically just the reading (he didn't even make sure we read the book), but mostly just tests at the core reading wasn't even graded. I think I made a mistake by choosing a teacher that has a heavy Chinese accent, I don't think I learned as much because of that. Usually if I don't read the book I can get something out of the teacher and learn anyway, but this semester was different because of the way he spoke. I thought I would be okaay, but I zone out way to much. There were notes online, but I don't think I studied those enough to get by as well because I was stressed out about my class. We did have a paper, it was 3 pages, and i did it on world religion. I think if I do pass it'll be because of that paper, that and my perfect attendance.

If you have read some of my earlier posts you know about my bad habit when it comes to staying up late. Sometimes I went to bed early, but I always woke up early. I got into drinking Rockstar energy drinks this semester. I stopped half way through the semester and started drinking Sobe, but you can probably guess I started sleeping in class after I stopped the caffeine. I was drinking two Rockstars every day I went to class at one point (I only had class twice a week). I started getting really bad anxiety from this however, so I dropped from two to one, and then completely dropped off from there. At some point during the semester I just stopped buying drinks almost all together and just drank water.

Anyway, safe to say I messed up big time this semester and I regret it a lot. It could have been so easy if I had just got myself together sooner instead of later. I lost myself because of troubles with Ronnie, I had a hard time dealing with the situation we were in. I will give that it's own post though, I don't want to talk about that right at this moment.

I also book a religion class, but I will save that for Sunday because it was so interesting. I had it in-between my two regular classes. Every day (almost) I would either bring a lunch or buy a lunch after History and take it to that class and eat. I always ate out in the hallway and listened to the teacher speak and when I was done I went inside and sat down. 

I think I probably need to work on my procrastination again, I think I watched anime and played games more than anything this semester because I was so shot from the events happening with friends.

Anyway, I have a lot of stuff to share with you, I just wanted to get talking about the school stuff out of the way to prep for the more interesting stuff. I have no doubt that this semester I probably would have written more if I hadn't been so stressed. Eventually I will be able to do school and blog a the same time, maybe this next fall semester, not sure though. I probably should have written my feelings down more this semester, I was definitely having a hard time and wish I put it down on here now.  I think maybe it would have helped, but oh well.

I have a second chance in History coming up because it's a two part class, I know I passed that one by the way, it turned out alright. I am not going to make the same mistakes i did this semester next semester. I am probably going to take sociology again as well at some point. I am just glad I will be able to have a second chance to overwrite my mistakes. I definitely wasn't feeling up to par this semester.

So, I have some stories I want to share with you, but I just wanted to get most of this stuff out of the way before i do that. I wanted to let you guys know what I have been doing for the most part. I will probably write again later or tomorrow. I am going to start writing in the early afternoons instead of the night now.

So Many Cubes

Another college semester has started this week. I only have 2 classes. I think they are both going to rock so much this semester. I am taking World History up to the 1600s, and Sociology. I am a little nervous about sociology, but my teacher is this funny Chinese guy that totally knows how to break the ice, so that makes it easier for me. He makes us laugh so much, and that gets rid of so much of the nervousness for me. We haven't done anything that major yet in either or my classes, we have just been over the syllabus so far and got the classes described to us and what we are going to be doing. I can tell history is going to be so interesting, and i'm sure Sociology is too.

Vocational rehab payed for my books this semester and my tuition, they didn't quite put enough money in for my books though, I was 94 dollars short. I had to pay that myself, it kind of sucked a lot. I am so glad I get SSI, otherwise I would have had to wait a few more days for them to put money in my account and I wouldn't be prepared for class probably, and that would have sucked believe me.  I had to wait in line for like a half an hour to buy them as well.

It's so nice to get to walk around the school again and see what everyone is doing. I don't talk to anyone really, but it doesn't bother me that much. I enjoy just observing and exploring different places. I get so bored just being at home. I have always been an observer and adventurer at heart.

I have been playing Minecraft a ton since my last post. I decided to go all out before school started and just bury myself in the game for a few days. I don't get to play that much during school, so I figured it was a great time. That is all I was doing before school after my last post was just play Minecraft with my nieces on the PC and on the Xbox. My week last week and the first couple of days before school this week went so fast because of that. I figured I could get away with not posting anything to my blog for a few days, I just wanted to take full advantage of my free time while I still could. I played so much that i see the game when I close my eyes now. When I have Tetris marathons the same thing happens. If you look up "Tetris Effect" you will probably understand more. I'll put up pictures of my Minecraft world in my next post, I still have a few things I want to do first.

New Years was just like another day, we did the countdown and snacked and stuff, but other than that nothing happened, and other than gaming and school nothing has happened since then.

Today I have just been watching movies, hanging out around the house, listening to music, reading "Holes", and just chilling out checking out my text books. I only have school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so the other days I'll be able to take it easy a little more. I know I'll have to be careful not to get lazy of course. Sometimes when I have too much freedom I tend to get lazy. I don't think that will happen this semester though.

Anyway, this is all for now I guess. I'll probably post more later if I forgot anything.

Ten Days Later

School has been going great for me. I am taking Yoga, Pilates, Astronomy, and English. So far over the past 10 days ssince school has really kicked into gear it hasn't been too hard, in my non-fitness classes that is. My Yoga and Pilates classes have really been working me hard, but I am really enjoying it. I have an awesome teacher, he is really fun and exciting, and he explains everything well in my Yoga class. My Pilates teacher has been working us to death, and it is only the third week, so it is still pretty hard for me in both classes. I can tell I am already getting better at those classes.
Astronomy has been fun we have been learning all about orbit, eclipses, planets, stars, etc. I still need to go through the chapters and read 1 to 5 again because it hasn't quite sunk in. I"m not surprised that my brain has taken a little bit of time to wake up, I did just get up off of a 4 month break. In the classroom, in the center of the room there is this big planetarium dome. We just started doing stuff with that. He simulated the orbit of some planets, and solar and lunar eclipses. I think the dome is really awesome, even if it doesn't always behave. The first day something went wrong and the stars started moving rapidly in one direction and everyone felt like they were zipping through the universe, it was trippy. I really enjoy my teacher, he is fun to listen to and exciting and knows how to crack a good joke. He always saves a good seat for me because of my visual impairment, I think that is really nice.  He also lets me be late without docking me because my previous class (English) is so far away. I can't wait to tell you guys more about this class as it progresses.  There is a lot I don't understand right now, but I can get the hang of it.
I am in the bottom English class in the college. I am very rusty in English, surprisingly enough. I'm sure none of you expected that since I write so much.  I don't know how to do a lot of things, like write papers, my grammar isn't the best, and some other things. So far I am liking the class, we have just started out with simple things like recognizing similar words, learning about the different kinds of papers there are and how to write and order them, and some other stuff. The class his pretty easy to understand, but gives enough challenge that I learn, but am not overwhelmed. We have this journal we write different stuff from the textbook in like responses to questions, summarizing paragraphs, and some other stuff.  It's nothing too hard, but gives a healthy dose of challenge. My teacher is pretty easy to understand as well. There are a lot of people from different countries in my class as well, It get's pretty interesting sometimes, sometimes some of them talk a lot though and that can be annoying.
I got a locker for my stuff for when I am in my fitness classes, it is all the way on the other side of campus from where I usually am. I also have to go up a ton of stairs, so when I go to put my stuff in it it's kind of like a pre-workout. I have been loosing a steady 3 pounds a week since school started because of all my activity. I am feeling really good. It's kind of exhausting walking back and forth between two ends of the campus, but it is helping me get into good shape. Sometimes I am tempted to take the elevator up instead of all those stairs, but then I think of all the help they can be.
I have also been careful about what I have been eating. I make sure not to pack anything really sugary or unhealthy in my lunches.  I also make sure I take a lot of vitamins, and drink a lot of water. My mom is a health expert, so she helps me a lot.
It is still pretty hot over here, so most of my days at school my back is completely soaked with sweat. I know that is kind of gross to some people, but there isn't really anything I can do about it ha ha. I am just glad I am getting into better shape.
I made sure not to schedule any of my classes before 11am, so I get plenty of sleep. I sometimes have a problem with falling asleep a little late, so this is good this semester. I am still trying to get my sleep patterns back on. They aren't that hard to get back on a good time, I just don't feel like going to bed early sometimes haha.
For ward Family Home Evening we played games, and ate these really great home made scones, they were amazing. I ate like 3 of them. I had one with powdered sugar and strawberry jam, one with honey, and one with cinnamon sugar and a little bit of butter. they were so addicting. One of the games we played was this one where there was this disk handed around and it had a different thing on it and the person that was holing it had to give clues as to what it was that was written o the disk. The person, or team that guessed correctly got a point. Our team lost, but it was still pretty awesome.
We were supposed to have a pool party today, but then a thunderstorm came, so we decided to just play games and hang out and stuff.  The thunderstorm was amazing though, it produced some of the coolest lightning I have seen in a long time. There were so many long ones this time, and we finally got some much needed rain.

Anyway, I guess this is all for now. I have pictures and stuff I want to show, but I'll do that tomorrow. I'm pretty wiped out. I can't believe I typed this much without falling asleep haha.

On My Mind

 

So a few months before I came to Xanga almost 5 years ago I was in college. it was my first year of college, my first two semesters. I really didn't get back then the seriousness of college, what it would be like, what to expect, etc. I was so unprepared. I failed nearly all my classes for both semesters that I was in college back then. I wasn't motivated, I wasn't into it, and I lack confidence also. I was basically in school back then because I just liked school, that was all. I didn't care if I failed, i wasn't taking it seriously at all. 

Anyway, I decided I wanted to take a break from school after my second semester was a failure. i decided I needed to find myself and to improve myself before I went back to college. I was on academic probation after that last semester. 

I spent nearly 4 years after that running from myself, being lazy, gaining weight, doing nothing just surfing the Internet, watching anime. I went through several bouts of depression, and i made sure no one knew about it. I struggled physically, mentally, spiritually, and in a lot of other ways. I was consumed in myself, I ignored everyone, dismissed them like they weren't important. I was moody, and just off balance in general.

Somehow through some miracle after 3 years, in the last year i was out of school I decided to think about my life seriously, that was this last year. I somehow managed to pull myself together somehow and gain confidence, motivation, I figured out what subject I wanted to get into,  I started taking my health more seriously in more than one way.  

I started to realize the importance of school, of getting a job in the future, of my life in general. I know a lot of the reason I got through this was because I started relying on God more and I started to let him into my heart finally. After I did this and I started taking life more seriously, and gained the desire to become a better person, things in my life just seemed to get better and better. I also realized just how unhappy I was before. I was kind of in denial that I was unhappy all those years I guess. 

I have been getting better and better at being responsible and doing my share in life. I just finished my first semester back in school almost 2 months ago. I got straight A's, and I am no longer in academic probation. I feel a ton better when I am learning and productive.  My life is still slowly turning around. I have to admit now i actually don't like being out of school anymore, after all that time being out of school I came to dislike long breaks. I am really looking forward to going back in the fall.  I want to better myself, and become a great person that can life others up. I am going for a major in Psychology in school. I can't wait until I get there. 

I still have a lot of other things i need to do before my life truly gets going. I've never had a job, and I need to work on my social skills a lot more. I definitely have room for improvement. 

I am an optimist and always have been, and always will be. 

You will no doubt see me tell more stories about my life before Xanga. :)