Cosmic Dreams

I missed the meteor shower yesterday, but I think the dream I had last night more than made up for it…

I opened my eyes and found myself standing on the grass outside of my house. Everything was illuminated and bright like it was day, but the sky was still black with night. The light was more like extremely luminous moonlight, not really like sunlight, it was silvery. I was going to look around for the moon, but my eyes met the stunning meteor shower instead. Thousands of specks flying across the sky made it look like there were a thousand falling stars. The mist of pollution was completely pulled back, nothing stopped my eyes from seeing the sky in all her majesty. I continued to observe to the north, the glittering stars usually dim were bright and flickered in the night sky. My eyes scanned the heavens with wonder and they fell upon an astonishing sight that took my breath away. There was Jupiter in all her glory looking MUCH closer to the earth than she had before. She was at least 30 times bigger than the regular moon is and I could see the details of her magnificent atmosphere. I was aware of other planets, but I didn’t look at them so I couldn’t tell you what they were. My heart was racing, I felt adrenaline rushing through my body, and I just wanted to reach out and touch the sky or fly into the stars and join them. After this everything started to dim and my dream changed. I can’t remember what happened after this, but I remember a few glimpses of Darik, so I know he was in my dreams last night. That doesn’t surprise me in the least.

I slept in until early afternoon again. I remember waking up twice for both alarms and turning them off quickly. I normally would stay up for the second one, but I think I deserve a few days of laziness. Today has been a pretty ordinary day for me. I babysat my nieces a little bit today and watched the first Muppet movie with them. I have never seen the old one until today. I remember I started watching it a few months ago, but forgot to finish it. I thought it was very cute and VERY funny. I have always had a thing for the Muppets, I grew up watching them a lot. It is no surprise that I got into Sesame street as well when I was younger. I remember watching both of those a lot as a child. I also remember watching the cartoon “Muppet Babies”, and I have recently watched a couple episodes of that on Youtube and still think it is fun to watch.

I didn’t do very much today, I just worked on my new website a little, watched anime, and read some more of my book The Hourglass Door. I think I am going to finish the book tonight, I’m pretty confident in this fact. As for my website it still has a LOT of work to do on it. I am using breezi.com to do it. I think breezi is probably the best website maker I have come across so far. I will make sure to show you guys my website soon, even though it is far from being finished. I don’t mind showing you the rough draft. Haha.

It has been a quiet evening, I did some yoga, just a little bit though. Did you know that doing a shoulder stand for a few minutes can cheer you up? My pilates and yoga teachers taught me this and I have been using it every once in a while when the weather or whatever makes me feel melancholy. I did one while I was watching ‘Princess Tutu” with my niece on Netflix.

I find it funny that I ended up eating nothing but Coco Krispies and cheese sandwiches today. I think my parents need to go shopping sometime soon. Our fridge is starting to run a bit low on food for sure. They have been busy rehearsing and doing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert that they have every year. It is am amazing concert and I am going tomorrow. We always have tickets because both of them are in the choir.

Anyway, I think this is it for this one. As usual, if I forgot anything I’ll edit or put it in tomorrow’s post.

Sunrise (poem)

I'm going to go ahead at take the weekend off so I can finish some stuff I'm writing. I will be back on Monday though! Here is a poem before I go. I will post the audio later.  I just want to focus on writing some stuff this weekend, I'm working on some pretty amazing posts but they are taking time and my brain can think of little else right now. It actually feels really nice to be focused on something as much as this. Can't wait until I can show you guys. :)

Edit: (May 23rd The Audio is finally up!)

 

The sun rise in my heart

miracle after the night

once a lonely porcelian doll

sitting on the shelf

kissed by the sweet sunlight

brought to life by love

eternal song in my heart

melody going on forever

something that can't be broken

eternal star shining forth

unbreakable bonds live on

life is like the tide

destiny is like the river

forever we float on the clouds

falling from the sky

love gives us wings

eternal breeze in my heart

living life day to day

happiness is like the rising sun

 

Game Horrors.

So I lost track of time and went to bed late yesterday after watching a movie. Well my sleep was great. I had this dream abut the game I play “Destiny Online”. Anyway, I had moved to another server or something and there were these really weird bosses that had just come out. The only one I can clearly remember was this sort of yellowish dragon, I think it was a dragon it might have been sort of like one of the bosses they really do have called “Hellhound”. Anyway so I was in what is the level 25 map on the game just walking around and there are all these people running around trying to kill these various bosses it was crazy. I ended up getting killed a few times because they were so powerful. There was this time during the dream when they re-spawned and they were nice, like they started out as babies, like the lower level map monsters that don’t try to kill you every time you get within less than 10 feet of them. Anyway so I knew that they were going to turn soon so I go sprinting for this portal that is near by and I’m sort of freaked out because they are all gathering close to me, probably curious. I start talking to the teleporter but it’s to late, they suddenly realize they want to kill me and I’m dead within a second ha ha.  Really strange dream, there were other parts as well but that is what I remember the clearest.

Anyway, Today was supposed to be tribe war, it starts at 7:00am my time and since I was up sort of late i was debating on weather or not to wake up that early and do it. I ended up not waking up that early though. I ended up just ignoring my alarm and going back to sleep. I decided I cared about my sleep more than the tribe war. I mean, they’re fun and all but it was cold and stuff and at the time I did not fel like getting out of bed ha ha. So I can’t really say I regret it.

Yeah, so I woke up at 10:45am but I just lied there in my bed with the music playing for about 30 minutes. I usually do that.

Children

A lot of us when we are young dream of getting married one day and having a family, having children, having a life. A lot of us dream of beautiful babies to love as our own.

Well not me unfortunately. I have never been able to dream of this because it is not possible for me to have children ever. Before I was born a piece of one of my chromosomes broke off and attached onto another one of my chromosomes, thus, my missing teeth, and a few other complications including the inability to have children.  If I did have a  baby it wold have a lot of things wrong with it. Possibly missing limbs, or organs or worse! So I can never dream of having children, I will never know the joy of giving birth.

You might say I could adopt. The thing is that I'm a little reluctant to do that because of how it turned out with my nieces. I never felt an attachment to them, even though I practically raised them they're still like strangers to me. I don't feel close to them at all and I'm worried that If I adopt a baby ten it will be the same, I won't be able to bond with it and I'll come to regret it. This is my main fear when it comes to adopting. In the end when I get married I might change my mind and things might work out but its a little weird. 

It hurts a lot, It has always hurt a lot to accept the fact that I can never have children. I pretend like I don't care but its like a knife in the heart every time I try to think about it. And what hurts more is when someone else brings up the subject of having children. I absolutely hate the phrase "When you have children" because that can not be applied to me at all. 

The only comfort I have is that I am not alone. I am just one of the thousands of possible people that can not have children but it still hurts a lot.

Do you know anyone that has been through this? Or are you one of those people? Does it hurt you a lot too?

I Still Dream About Eric...

So I had this really good childhood friend named Eric. We were friends ever since the first grade. We got into a lot of fights and stuff like that and didn't get along ALL the time but we were still good friends. 

Around 8th grade or so he began to have feelings for me and me for him. We liked each other until my senior year in high school when he couldn't take the fact that my parents hated him anymore and wouldn't let us go out on a date at all. He moved on with this girl named Brittany, we got separated, I still love him, and I still dream about him almost EVERY NIGHT! 

Its not that hard to deal with but sometimes it drives me nuts. I know I still love him, that I can not deny. But seriously these dreams are driving me crazy. I want to get over him but don't know if i can. I have not talked to him in almost 2 years, which is absolutely crazy! I know its not logical to still love someone when you haven't even seen or talked to them in over 2 years. Maybe I just think I love him? I am not sure.

He got married to that girl named Brittany, that is why i stopped talking to him. She was getting a little hostile, I hate her, she does not deserve him, I hope they broke up, really hope they broke up. I'm a little afraid to try and call him again...

I really hate things like this.