White Cane (part 2)

Around September I wrote a previous post about my cane, so I decided to put part 2 on the title.  ( I completely forgot about my other post until i was looking through my posts haha.)

So if you read my last post, (not septembers post but the one I did yesterday),  you know my vision sucks and that I sometimes use my White Cane. Mine is a folding cane, it's just likea  regular cane only it folds into 5 pieces. I have been familiar with canes ever since I was in the 2nd grade, we were given canes to use back then and I used mine sometimes but not often.  I went through this really super long phase where I refused to wear glasses or use my cane unless if I was out with my other visually impaired friends or with my blind friends. I was no stranger when it came to this kind of attitude, I have memories clear back to when I was 3 years old and even back then I refused to wear glasses.  I have this thing about being independent, and self suficent, and I hate looking weak or helpless in front of people.

As I got older, toward my high school years I started to realize that it would actually help if I used my cane in situations. For those of you that read my last post you know the reason why I don't wear glasses. I didn't know this reason though, back in my high school years it was just because I wasn't used to them, and I hadn't worn them for so long it was weird whenever I did.  I didn't have a solid reason back then.

Now, 3 years after I decided to take a break from college and straighten things out, fix my many problems and get my life together I am just now understanding. I am realizing like I said in my last post that while the glasses do not help that much besides when I watch TV, movies, or play video games,  my cane does help a lot.

I have brought my white cane to various places before and I was a little nervous, but it turned out fine. Now that i am planning on using it all the time I have had to build up my confidence and courage a lot. You might think that making the decision to use my white cane is an easy one, but really it is not that easy. I am not the only one that suffered with the hardships that go with this decision. Almost everyone that I know that has denied that they needed the can for years but ended up using it had to go through a few things.  First of all some of the people had to get their families to accept their new found can usage. I've never had trouble with this my family is very accepting, so no trouble with that one. Then there is another one where you have to overcome the nervousness around your friends. I told my friends about my cane and I am currently working on this one, it doesn't cause me too much anxiety, because I know those people, it is kind of hard to use it around them though after not using it for so long.  I am working through this one very well.  Then you have to learn how to deal with every day people. I don't mind it when people ask me if I need help, or if they can ask me questions. The thing that bothers me about this one is when people just look or stare at me. I am not accustomed to attracting a lot of attention and so it makes me very uncomfortable, it's very nerve wracking. 

I am working on getting over this, but I never realized it to the full extent until I went to Costco today and it was busy and I had people staring at me and glancing at me, it was really uncomfortable.  I don't like drawing attention to myself so it was extremely weird. I think this will be my greatest challenge, just getting used to people looking at me when I use my cane.  I'm so used to hiding my impairment that it's weird now that people actually have a way to recognize that I am legally blind it's a little uncomfortable.

I have no issues with the other problems people go through, like feeling like I'm inferior, or feeling more disabled, or a few other things that don't come to mind right now.  I'm not to worried about the problems I do have, everyone that is like me had to go through these hurtles.

So that is what I wanted to say for now. :)

If you guys have any questions feel free to ask. :)

Friends, Self Consciousness, and Tripping Down Stairs!

This is a note I posted on facebook earlier. I just thought it would be cool to share it here as well. :)

 

Wow, so I never really bring his up, but I have a few things I am worried about. I just need to tell my friends about some things.

 

Knowing is better than not knowing especially when it comes to the subject of my vision.

 

Well some, at least most of you know that my vision is really bad. I have multiple vision problems.  My vision is very blurry, my peripheral vision is good but not perfect, I have nystagmus, astigmatism, ocular albinism, and almost no depth perception at all.

 

So you are probably wondering why I don't wear glasses? Well that is simple, it has nothing to do with the way I look really. I really like my glasses a lot, but I rely on my whole field of vision to get around, not just my center or my side vision, or whatever. When I wear glasses I can become very disoriented because my vision is mostly focused in the confines, the boundaries of the lenses, and/ or the frames.  I lose some awareness of everything around me, this has more negative effects than positive effects for me. They make my vision better, but they take away my sense of security I guess you can say because of the loss of awareness of things around me.  I rely on more than just my sight to see, most of you probably don't notice but I rely on my sense of hearing and touch as much or possibly even more than I rely on my sense of sight. When I wear glasses it distracts from these senses, and I become more distracted by stuff around me and am actually more likely not to notice something coming, or a person, or and obstacle in my way.  So it really bothers me wearing glasses, so I just don't.  I can get around better without them, than with them.  :)

 

I really have tried not to focus too much attention on my vision problems. I have always tried to seem as normal in front of people as I can possibly manage. I have come to realize lately however as I am getting older, and possibly a little wiser, it is probably better for people to know and understand just how bad my vision is.  I'm kind of worried about people not knowing sometimes now because I have realized that not knowing can cause more problems sometimes.  Basically I am legally blind even with glasses on, I have nystagmus, astigmatism, and nearly no depth perception like I said above.  In other words my vision is dreadful, even worse is my lack of depth perception. Blurriness and no depth perception do not go to well together, on top of my nystagmus.  It is a sheer miracle I have the ability to tell people apart since I can't even see clearly 1 and a half feet in front of my face.  Sometimes I tell people apart by the sound of their voice instead. sometimes I combine this ability with what I am able to see to more accurately tell who people are.  Whenever I go to the eye doctor he or she is always really surprised I can get around as well as I do, I always surprise them because even people with better vision than mine have trouble getting around more than I do. 

 

So you are probably wondering if I use a cane?  the answer is yes, sometimes I do use a cane. I used to never use the cane, but with depth perception as bad as mine it really helps a lot more than glasses. Usually what problems glasses can not fix for me the cane can. It basically bridges the gap between what I can and can not see better than glasses can.

 

Quite honestly I am self conscious using it, so I try to be as independent as i can and not use it but the more I think about it lately that is a really bad oxymoron. I am afraid if I use it more around my friends they will become more uncomfortable around me. I really don't want to make anyone feel awkward, or uncomfortable around me at all.  I am  fine with strangers or people that I don't very well seeing me with the cane, but when I want to use it around my friends I often get nervous, and chicken out. This is really the only reason why I do not use it all the time. I really like using my cane and I want to use it all the time but I just have a problem wit this one little thing.  I should use it all the time and I know that, and honestly every eye doctor, or O & M (orientation and mobility) instructor, anyone that knows a lot about vision would say the same thing. In fact they have all been nagging me my whole life to use it, I am a stubborn person though ha ha. 

 

So basically I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable, or feel weird around me if I end up using it like I want to all the time. I will still be the same person, it won't make me any less capable of doing stuff, the exact opposite is true, it will help me be MORE capable of doing stuff and actually make it easier for other people. I don't want to have to worry about these things so that is why I am telling you guys this stuff. I am an independent person and I catch onto stuff fairly quickly.  When i travel without the cane I have to look at the ground a lot and be careful where i step because I have no sense of depth so I can't see drop offs or stairs, rocks, bumps, pits, etc. I completely miss that stuff most of the time unless of the shadow is just right.  I'm tired of looking at the ground, I should be focusing on everything around me. This is probably the strongest reason why I want to use the cane. I am tired of missing drop offs, and almost falling down stairs or falling over holes and bumps, rocks, etc.  It get's very annoying.

 

Anyway, so that is basically the message I want all my friends to know. I want them to know how I feel about this.

 

Fun facts about my vision.

 

• Because of my nystagmus I can only read with 1 eye at a time.  the involuntary movement of my eyes makes me unable to read with both eyes in sync.  I read with only my left eye.  I could probably read with my right eye too, but I have to read further away with my right eye and my nystagmus would make me lose my place a lot more at that distance. I already lose my place a lot already haha.
• You probably caught onto this but my lack of eye color is from my 'Ocular Albinism". it's basically what it sounds like, lack of color in the eyes. Mine is due to a genetic defect.  A lot of people with ocular albinism have Nystagmus, and some of the same things I have trouble with. My real eye color was supposed to be light blue
• I was completely blind for the first year of my life, then by some miracle my brain generated an alternative vision center on it's own which is supposed to be impossible. My vision slowly came back  after this. Not completely but it came back.
• I am not good at memorizing people's physical appearance, most of the time it takes me a few weeks to remember faces since I have really blurry vision. it's a miracle I can work with what information I have. I have become quite good at telling people apart despite my vision, it's really quite a miracle. 
• I require very little assistance, I get around very well on my own. Most of the time I never end up having to ask people for help.
• I learned braille at one time in my life, I don't really use it though. haha.
• some of my best friends are blind. My best friend that got married is blind in one eye and is legally blind in the other. 
• I lose people in crowds a lot if I am not careful.  Some people are easier to stay with than others for some reason though, usually the ones I really like a lot

 

If you guys have any questions or are wondering about something after you read this please leave a comment. I like questions. :)

 

The Result...

I never did write a proper post after Conference weekend.  The talks were pretty good. I especially liked that one from brother Packer that is getting a lot of attention. He talked about the family, and marriage.  He is getting a lot of attention lately. I suggest you read or watch the talk yourself. It was in the 3rd session (that is including preisthood session).  The first session on Sunday, I think it was the 2nd talk if I remember correctly.

I also loved the talk about free agency. I forgot who gave the talk. I will insert links later when I am not feeling to lazy.  ha ha.

My week has been quite exciting. I have been awaiting the reply from Social Security on weather or not I am going to get SSI income. They called on Monday and I have qualified. I’m really excited because I can get a new bed and stuff that I need now and a new computer. it’s quite nice. :)

I am legally blind and some other stuff and it makes it hard for me to get a job, and function properly in general. Plus my social skills suck a lot.

I will eventually be able to go back to school and get a job probably someday. For now though I’m still working out some problems and stuff. At least I will have money to get the stuff I need.

I went to the store with my dad and we got some chicken and some bread. I also got a smoothie. We also visited the social security office, and the Apple store. I figured out what computer I am going to get and also looked at the iPads, and the iPhones, and the iPods  (haha). I wanted to look around more but we had to go.

I should be able to get a phone pretty soon I’m so excited. :)

Anyway, so other than that just the usual has been happening. I am still playing Kingdoms of Camelot on facebook, and Desktop Defender on occasion. I am still working on catching up on America’s next Top Model as well. I took a break for a few days. I am currently on season 12.

I am on 1st Nephi 15 now in the Book of Mormon. And at Exodus in the bible. :)

I guess that is all for now.