Uncertain Ground

Work was alright today. I made a lot of ice cream and that helped the time to fly past. Usually I am horribly bored, so it's been a nice change making ice cream on the weekend. Before I was making ice cream on Tuesday mornings, waffle cones on Thursdays and I would help customers on Saturday. Saturdays can be busy, but not until after 2pm. I have liked the change the past two weeks, even if I have less hours. Right now I only do waffles on Thursday and ice cream on Saturday. I still get to help customers when I have the time of course. I'm also looking for another job, but that will take a while I think. I actually applied for Macey's grocery store late last night. I hope I get that cashier job.

We got a new manager a couple of weeks ago. His name is Heber. I don't know much about Heber yet and it makes me kind of nervous. I've had a bad manager before and every time I get a new one I'm always afraid history is going to repeat itself. Not knowing much about my new manager is uncomfortable. I hope I learn something new about him at our next work meeting. So far all I've deduced is that he is kind of strict, but that isn't very helpful. In fact is just makes me nervous. I am feeling very uncertain right now. I hope he turns out to be a good manager. He is my 4th manager. I can always quit if he turns out to be bad for me. I just have to keep reminding myself that. My mental health comes first. I've been working at Coldstone for too long anyway. I really need to write about my work history soon. It has been a crazy ride.

Ball & Chain

Depression is a real drag. (No pun intended.)

The truth is, it’s hard for me to do anything most of the time. It varies in intensity from day to day; but I usually suffer from a chronic case of laziness and lack of motivation.

When I say it effects everything, I mean everything. It’s really rare for me to be able to focus on anything. Things that I can focus on are hard to start as well. I rarely ever start things purely on my own motivation. A good example is crochet. I can crochet for hours, but it’s rare for me to start purely on my own. I love art related activities in general. I usually have encouragement from another person when I get around to them. Even then, it is very hard for me to start. Almost everything makes me feel like I’m dragging a ball and chain around.

Homework is hard to do. Well, I guess that is an under statement. I grew up with various people helping me do my homework up until college. I really doubt I would have gotten as far as I did through high school and before without that help. I think my worst year was the 6th grade. I actually don’t know how I got out of it. It’s a miracle they didn’t hold me back. I did literally almost nothing in that year.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t have a solid form of depression back when I was in grade school. I was probably more lazy than depressed. I feel like I was better at doing things that required me to memorize a lot of info. I think things were less of a drag to me back then. My first year of college after things started going downhill with my best friends my depression started kicking in. I completely bombed my first year of college after high school. I mean straight across the board E’s. I had no motivation to really try and I had no clue what I wanted to do for a career at all. I was paralyzed mentally and couldn’t unfreeze myself. The college was even kind enough to let me repeat my first semester, but I couldn’t do it. I had no discipline. I took 3 years off after that and it’s been an on and off struggle when it comes to motivation ever since I returned to school. I also have a huge problem with procrastination. No doubt caused by my lack of motivation.

I know very well that it is impossible to get anything done when you are waiting for the perfect opportunity to come around. That perfect mood so many of us are waiting for is a fantasy. That opportunity will almost never come around. The sad fact is that you have to push through it, and that can feel nearly impossible sometimes. The fact that I haven’t failed every semester will tell you that I am in fact capable of working hard. I have pushed through before. Like I said, it’s hard for me to start stuff, but once I get into things I can usually stick with a lot of things and pull through if I know how. In school I don’t always know how, and that has a real impact on my motivation, and of course my performance. Stuff like writing large papers, and any form of math or hard thinking in general is really hard for me to push through. I’ve had to face failure quite a few times because a lot of the time I just can’t bring myself to do hours of homework a lot of the time.

The few times I have managed to push through that stress were some of the most rewarding in the end though. Though, the effort made me feel like I was slipping into insanity in some cases while I was working. The things that confuse me are usually the things that end up causing me the most trouble. Procrastination and I are best friends too often. When I defeat procrastination, it feels great.

Enough about school for now. I will get more into that in another post.

Believe it or not, I even struggle with fun things. I have this really big problem with skipping through things. I skip through books, I skip through music, and I even skip through Netflix shows. Sometimes I am just to eager to get to the point and find out what is going to happen. This is also one of the side effects of when I fail. When my lack of motivation, laziness, and procrastination end in failure; I am often a little too eager to get back into fun. I then end up becoming impatient and try to hurry through that fun. I am in a hurry with a lot of things. That probably doesn’t help my motivation.

I’m not impatient with everything mind you. I’m actually extremely patient with a lot of things and in a lot of situations. I’ll elaborate on that some other time.

Relationships are mostly out of the question for me. Most of the time I have very little or no motivation to socialize. Even when I want to, the drag I feel is nearly impossible to resist. It’s rare for me to want to spend time with people and to be honest, I don’t really enjoy the process of making friends. I’d rather just keep the ones I already have most of the time. Sometimes I meet people I want to be friends with, and even talk to a lot; but that is very rare. I hardly ever talk to anyone except for people online. Random people, not friends. I don’t even talk to my family that much to be honest. The time and effort it takes to make relationships drags me down a lot and I’m kind of awkward. I value relationships I do make so much that it hits me extremely hard when I lose them. It’s hard for me to relate to a lot of people and I’m not particularly knowledgeable in anything. I get so confused when trying to form new relationships that my anxiety kicks in and I end up having to give up a lot of the time; on a lot of non family relationships. I don’t even have the motivation to talk to my best friends.

When I find a guy I like it’s a bit different, but I think I should talk about that in a separate post.

This might sound weird, I don’t know. The things I usually want to do the most are sometimes just as hard to do as the things I don’t want to do. Like what I said above about art. I always want to do art related stuff, but it’s so hard for me to actually start and do it. I don’t particularly dislike learning or even being social. It’s just very hard to navigate the difficulty, confusion and my lack of motivation. I should probably mention that I hate cooking. I eat pretty healthy despite that fact. One thing I do have a lot of motivation and respect for is staying healthy. You only have one body and you should take care of it. I highly encourage people to prioritize health. Not just physical health, but mental health and if you are spiritual, spiritual health too. Those make up your entire life.

Anyway, I think my brain is trying to quit now. This was really hard for me to write. I knew I absolutely had to push myself however. I try extra hard with certain things like this, and my French study. I’ve actually made improvements in both. Also, this might surprise you, but exercise is one of the things I have the least amount of struggle with. Well, maybe not, considering what I wrote above. I still have to push myself, but I’ve managed to become better about fitness. That is a huge triumph for me. I used to never exercise.

I am slowly learning to push through things. I still have a long way to go with everything though.

Grammar advice and corrections are welcome on anything I write. I am no pro at writing. I just love to write.

Loss

Today is the anniversary of the day I lost Sam as a friend. I chose today instead of New Years to start writing because to be honest he is probably a big part of why I haven't been able to write. For a while I was writing in an actual journal last year, but decided to destroy it. Somehow I felt like having no record of last year was a good idea. Now that it is behind me I actually don't mind talking about last year. Oh, and you don't have to worry about the journal, there wasn't much in it.

I'm not going to give you all the details, but basically Sam's dad died and I went to the funeral. I made the mistake of going to the luncheon after the funeral services and then I made things worse by acting like it all went well for us. There has always been somewhat bad communication between us. I sent him a message that day that made everything sound like it went peachy. I was pretty clueless and was totally unaware of his feelings. I can't tell you what exactly I wrote because I deleted our messages last year, but it didn't turn out good for me in the end. He decided to part ways and blocked me on facebook as well. We managed to talk a little bit again 2 days later and at least we parted on somewhat good terms. That day still haunts me and the last few times we texted. To add insult to injury I was way late to the public part of the funeral, where they give the eulogy and stuff.

I still miss him a lot. The above is all anyone is going to get out of me on that subject though. I'm not so confident he'd be happy with me if I shared all the details of that day. I think doing so would probably cause me to lose motivation to write again anyway, so let's just leave it at that. It is more complicated than how it ended. Our relationship was weird from the beginning.

I've been out of school since last spring. I failed 2 out of 3 classes that semester. I was just on a total slump last year to say the least. I've even lost interest in psychology. I don't really know what I'm going to do as a career anymore. I have no solid interest in anything and I don't think I have much motivation or confidence right now. I m pretty sure things will clear up if I do well this coming semester though. I am still pretty optimistic. I'm pretty sure I'm just confused because so much went wrong last year. So, for now I am not going to worry about my future career. I should finish all of my general education classes first. I have so many doubts about those classes it isn't the right time to think about a career.

Today was dark and gloomy. I've been playing games and watching YouTube videos all day. I can't wait until my life picks up a bit. I don't really like being out of school, but it has been necessary. I am glad today was laid back. Anyway, I guess I'm back.

The Dark Cloud

Anyone that knows me knows that I am a really optimistic person. I am strong and I know it. I can handle a lot of things, but sometimes stuff does get to me. I guess work is one of those things. I'm incredibly proud of myself for even lasting this long at Cinnabon because I usually have so many burdens when I'm there. The biggest one is that I always feel like I'm under estimated. I think I've mentioned on a previous occasion on here that I don't really talk much when I'm there. I just find it hard to open up for some reason. There are a few people that I don't feel as much pressure around, but I'm usually not around those people much right now. Mikayla is one of my favorite people there as is Rene, and I think I'm starting to warm up to Rachel as well. I know I've had a lot of inner trouble with Rachel in the past, but I think I'm getting used to her finally after a long time. I guess things are improving for me when it comes to feeling comfortable around some people, but most of the time I do feel like an outsider.

I'm honestly not really sure how to change this. I feel like the vast majority of people at work feel weird around me or are uncomfortable. I feel bad a lot of the time because I don't know what to do or say and I feel like they feel the same. I am not a natural at making conversations. People I feel are easy to talk to are relatively rare. I feel like Mikayla is probably the closest I've ever gotten to having someone I feel I can talk to at work naturally.

In a nutshell, I'm not enjoying work right now. I feel like everything I loved about the job has been taken away. I feel like I've been pushed off to the side and I feel like I'm only in the way and taking up space. Right now I've been regulated to only doing sample shifts and that is one of the worst feelings for me. I feel like the people in charge just see me as a burden to push out of the way. I'm capable of so much, but I feel like no one believes in me and it's taring me apart inside. I've actually started applying for other jobs as of this week. I honestly do not feel like there is room for me at Cinnabon. I just don't know what to do. I wish i could find a way to make things better, but I am usually feeling so weight down in my heart when I'm there I can't think straight. It does somewhat mess with my performance as I get nervous sometimes, but I've always been careful not to let it affect me too much. I have to stay responsible and all that otherwise there will be no hope for me at all. I'm going to stay strong for the time being because I know I can handle everything, but someday I hope i can find a job where people believe in me. I think Jan and Maddie believed in me which is why they hired me. I think I took their presence for granted. I know a lot of people at work disliked Jan, but for me personally I feel she was a bit of a godsend. She gave me my first job and made me feel like I was actually worth something.

I know I haven't written on here for a long while, but I will fill in the blank spaces soon. I think I needed to write about all of this. Knowing myself this won't be the last time I talk about work and it hasn't been the first of course. I think this is good for now. I have a shift in a couple of hours and doing this was probably very smart. Hopefully I'll feel better today. I'm trying very hard to cope with everything. :)

Five Hours

There is always a weird vibe around work. I can’t really put my finger on it, but I just never feel like I really fit in. I definitely do my job to the best of my abilities, but I feel likepeople are reluctant to let me take a little more charge. Sometimes I can’t blame them because I know I’m a bit absent minded, but I wish they would believe in me a little more. I don’t know, maybe I’m not as good at my job as others, I don’t really know. If I’m not I’m pretty sorry about that. I just don’t feel like an equal a lot of the time. I have good days and I have bad days.

It’s been weird doing five hour shifts. One of my fellow coworkers asked me to cover for her. I guess someone had their doubts that i could do her job so they had someone extra there just in case. That kind of thing make me feel really weird, but it’s really rare for me to complain. Marco is prety easy to work with and I enjoy his company well enough. I think the pros might outweigh the cons in this case actually. I’m glad I have a few people I feel like I get along with at work. Though, I don’t think I want to be stuck on five hour shifts any time soon. Four hour shifts are just enough for me right now I’m sure.

We were pretty great at keeping up with everything today. We had full stocks of cinnastix, cinna sweeties, center of the roll, cinnamon rolls, and other stuff. The only thing that went wrong today was that we ran out of the raspberry lemonade mixture, but thankfully we had extra in the fridge. I feel like things have been going smoother since we got the new management. I personally had no trouble with the old one, but it’s been nice the past few weeks since we switched. The manager also handles things at Coldstone, so we have all known him for a while since we all do stuff side by side.

Speaking of Coldstone, they have all of my favorite flavors currently! Mint, mango sorbet, marshmallow, and banana! I got the marshmallow one with chocolate shavings yesterday! It was fabulous!

I actually bought some cinnasweeties yesterday as a snack. I usually try to stay away from buying things from work because they are so unhealthy, but I felt like this was alright this time. The cinna sweeties are actually the healthiest thing we have at Cinnabon. I do get a bit tempted to buy the more unhealthy options, but I’ve been great about that lately.

Yesterday and Thursday were pretty much normal, other than it was a bit busy and we sold more cinna sweeties than usual. Usually we have a bit of trouble selling them even though they aren’t that bad at all. Well, I guess on Thursday they didn’t sell that good. It was just today that they sold good. We made and sold a lot of things. I was so glad when my shift was over though. Thursdays shift was harder because I got stuck taking over sampling for someone. I guess that wasn’t so bad because I got to help someone, but I still hate doing it. I really don’t think that will ever change.

I am excited to go to Bear lake next week and have some fun. I feel like this is making me not enjoy being there so much right now. Usually when I have something to look forward to this happens. I just have one more four hour shift to get through. I really should get to bed because it’s around 3am, but I’m trying to put it off a little I’ll admit. I hate doing the sample shift so much. I’ll get through it somehow.  I just have to remember I’m as free as a bird after that. I decided to condense Thursday and Friday into one post because the events of both days ere pretty similar. One thing I’ve noticed about the past two days and this weird schedule is that it doesn’t help my eating habits. I’ve eaten far too much the past two days. I’m going to crack down on that tomorrow for sure. I’ll tell you more about that tomorrow.

Mixed Feelings

Bleh, I have mixed feelings about today. It's been kind of crazy.

My day started off as pretty normal. I got up and washed my hair, got ready for school, the normal stuff. I actually had milk and peanut butter cookies for breakfast today though, that was different. I forgot to submit a short English assignment for my class, so I did that really quick before school. My sister had a doctor's appointment and she had to leave for a while. I played Destiny Online, listened to music, and submitted that assignment before she got back.

She didn't come back until 10 minutes before class was about to start, we had to hurry to the school. I was feeling kind of neutral abou this situation. I really wasn't that upset about it because my teacher really doesn't make a big deal about me being late. It couldn't be helped today. I was pretty quiet as usual in the car today, I usually do not talk very much when I am in the car. I like to think about stuff when I am moving around like that.  I kind of felt a little bad about having to be late, but it couldn't be helped, so I just tried to ignore this.

I got to my class 10 minutes late, I hurried as fast as I could all the way there and up the flights of stairs. I was pretty out of breath by the time I made it there and made sure I stopped by a drinking fountain right before because my mouth was dry.

The class itself, we just presented these lists, pretty easy lists to the class with our groups we have. We had a question (like ours was "Why is Fast food so popular?") we presented our list of reasons to the class and added details if we wanted. Other groups in class had other questions. It got pretty interesting.

I went to Astronomy afterward, and we talked about the different types of light, and what they effect and how they effect things and people and how they work as well. I accidentally got a little too comfortable for a little bit and almost fell asleep. My friend warned me that might happen haha. The class was really fun though, and interesting as always. We are taking a test in a week though, I'm kind of nervous for that.  I think I will do fine, because I love Astronomy, but I am still a little nervous, because it's a lot of info to take in. Sometimes I forget things. I am always kind of disappointed when class has to be over.

Anyway, today is Friday, so I had no fitness classes, so I was done after Astronomy.

I had a Fruit and nut bar for lunch and took some pictures (I"ll upload them in the morning). I decided I wanted to stay a big longer, so I found a good wifi spot, and watched an episode of Cake Boss. I like the atmosphere at school, so I usually end up staying a bit longer than I need to. I didn't call anyone until 40 minutes after my class had ended. Then it took my dad at least 25 minutes to get to the school and pick me up, so I wasn't home for a while.

I have just been listening to music, watching Cake Boss, playing Destiny online, surfing facebook, and just hanging around the house. After school I found out that one of my friends from Destiny Online was really mad at me for selling a pet he gave me on the game. I had no clue he was the one who gave me the pet, I thought it was just a random person, and so I didn't think about selling it. I felt bad afterwards and I have been trying to contact the person I sold it to to try and trade for a different pet, so I could get his back, but she hasn't answered. Something tells me she doesn't want to give it up and this has been a particular point of stress for me today. I know it is a game, but my friend was so mad at me and I really want to make things right. I once had a different pet on the game a long time ago and one of my other game friends sold that one when I was away, so I know how that feels. I was pretty attached to it as well. I know this sounds a bit silly, but my relationship with Destiny Online has always been unique compared to other games. Alll of us have always been close on the game, and have been through so much the 4 years it's been out. I have a ton of memories on there. I only started blogging on here 2 months before I joined the game. Some of my long disappearances from here have to do with me playing on there in the past. 

Anyway, so I had that to deal with, plus aunt flow decided to visit today **cough cough** , AND I got a really bad bloody nose earlier in the day. I always become kind of drained and a little moody after that happens. That mixed with the other thing made me feel kind of irritated today, and moody and stuff. I've been feeling weird. I guess that is expected though. Oh yeah, not to mention that I hadn't talked to Ronnie for almost 2 days, and this was making me go crazy as well. He is a really cool guy, another friend I met on DO, (If you didn't know that from my previous posts).  He only contacted me about an hour ago. I am so relieved to be talking to him again. I really have been feeling thrown around emotionally today, so I was honestly truly happy to talk to him again.

Anyway, I have pictures and stuff I am planning on adding tomorrow morning. I might add a few other thoughts and feelings too. I am pretty fried today, so I might have to add stuff tomorrow. :)

I'll wait to add the tags tomorrow to. :P

The Twin Dilemma (Part 4) [END]

I've always had so many pent up feelings for Darik. I used to be really stubborn when it came to liking him. I usually would never admit that I liked him, even to myself. After years of doing that all the stuff I feel for him, the stuff I was trying to repress got so tangled and messed up that when it finally all came out at me I got really confused and went haywire. It still stresses me out when I try to make sense out of everything I feel and organize it all, just not as bad now. I have made a commitment now to not bring this problem with me when we talk or if we see each other again. I told him I would drop it all and just go off a clean slate and not bring any of that frustration and stuff to him. It was really starting to put a strain on our friendship. Darik and Dylan have always been very patient with me and that is something I have always loved about them. Darik and I worked out the basics on the first and 2nd day of school. I told him that I would try and be myself and not worry about everything anymore if he would give me another chance. Once again he replied and said that we will always be friends and that will and has never changed. After all the drama he has had to put up with me in the past, these words never cease to surprise me. He really has a good heart. So, the foundation is there, I just have to make sure I don't mess it up again.
I still try to untangle the mess of my feelings for Darik sometimes, but I do it alone, when i"m not around anyone else. I get kind of stressed when I try to do it, and kind of burnt out, but I always stop if it becomes too much. I'm not kidding when I say everything is tangled in an incomprehensible mess. I know I'll eventually figure this out, even if it takes me more time than I want it to.
I made a commitment at the end of the last school semester when they graduated that I would just let go and leave them alone. I really felt like I couldn't do anything right, or say anything right either, so I just decided to let go and move on. Things did not go as planned however, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. You also have to understand that they are both implanted so far and so deep into my subconscious that whenever I try to do stuff like this my subconscious rebels, in a big way too. If you have seen the posts about my dreams you know that I have a LOT of dreams about Darik, and Dylan as well, but not nearly as much as I have about Darik. When I dream about someone I have trouble not thinking about them for a little while afterward and that can sometimes create this cycle that is hard to break. I think about the person, and then I end up dreaming about them more.  I had this problem with my best friend Eric after he got married, my mind just did not want to let go of him. Well my problem with Darik is at least 10 times worse than this. I dream about him and it's like when I wake up my feelings for him are like 10 fold what they are usually and I can't get him off my mind and so the cycle just keeps going whether or not I want it to. My feelings calm down after a while, but the effect of the dreams usually lasts for a few hours after I wake up. So with this info you can probably understand why I had trouble letting go.
I was fine for a few weeks, but there was the matter of all my unresolved feelings for the both of them. Well, actually mostly Darik, I can ignore  my little problems with Dylan easy, they are nothing. I cracked at least 3 times and texted and messaged Darik. I felt to guilty for what a moron I had been though that every time I cracked it just made me feel worse. Sure, it made me feel better for a day or so but then I started doubting if I should have said what I said every time. I was so sure that Darik hated me by the end of the summer, I was shattered into a million pieces, or at least that is how I felt. The weight of still having a lot on my mind, the pressure of trying to untangle everything, and the pain of a lot of regret was just weighing me down. I was so stubborn, I did not want to let anything go, I wanted to solve it all. I am the kind of person that likes to resolve my feelings about stuff and solve my problems, all of them if I can. A lot of you know that I have a lot of regrets in my friendship with them, and the pressure of these regrets was killing me inside. I have trouble letting go of stuff like that. I am the kind of person that likes to solve EVERYTHING as I said before, even my feelings of regret for most things if I can.
In the end I ended up having to admit to myself that I just needed to let everything go, whether or not it was unresolved. I knew that if I was going to be a good friend I would have to get the hang of this. I knew I could do it and that is when I asked him for another chance and he said we were still friends. I am not expecting anything that big to happen, or for us to magically start talking a lot, I know that would be unrealistic. I do feel a lot better anyway, just because I am at least trying to let go of everything when I talk to him or if I see him. I don't feel bad about thinking about all that as long as I keep it to myself and work it out in private and don't bring him into it. I feel like a better friend now. I feel a lot better in general and not as... broken, I guess you could say.
You are probably wondering why I never talk about Dylan. That one is simple, there is just nothing I need to talk about. I am really quite satisfied with how things turned out with Dylan. I have no regrets, I did everything I could do and even though I probably could have been a lot more out going, I at least had a decent amount of time around Dylan when I was in school when I was younger. I really did like Dylan a lot, and I was able to organize my feelings and my thoughts a lot better and resolve almost all the inner problems I had a long time ago. It was kind of hard letting go, but I did it early enough that it didn't cause me too much trouble.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't made myself more distant on purpose, but it was necessary. I used to focus on Dylan a lot more, so I was able to keep myself organized and not let everything get tangled up and stuff. I never ignored my feelings for Dylan, I just carefully resolved them. It took me a few years after I decided I was going to let go of him, but I managed it just fine. He has a girlfriend now, an extremely awesome one too. I have always liked Jennifer a lot, she is really cool. I'm really glad I didn't let my problems with Darik effect my friendship with Dylan. I could have really screwed things up with Dylan if I hadn't been really careful. I came close to dragging him into it, but caught myself before I could do anything. I don't think he noticed the distance I kept from him, I was doing this on purpose. I didn't want to upset the balance. I made a wise decision.
Anyway, I guess this is all for now.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 3)

First off, here is the link to last night's post. HERE
Sometimes I’m scared for Darik. I just want him to end u with the right person. I care about him a lot as you know. He hangs out with a lot of people, he has a ton of friends of both genders. Sometimes I am worried that he will get too used to hanging out with lots of girls and he won’t be able to commit. I mean, I think he will, he is an amazing guy, but he worries me sometimes when he hangs out with a lot of girls. i’m just scared that he will fail to notice the girl that is right for him. Sometimes when people are around a lot of people and have a rich social life they forget to look at what is important. I don’t know what he is going to do, i’m not really sure how he thinks when he is around other people, but I just hope he finds his girl soon. I would seriously love to be that person, but I know I can’t, I’m not exactly his type. If I was, and if I was able to I would be his girl in a heartbeat though. I just want what is best for him, he is a really amazing guy and he is good at so many things and his personality is amazing. He shouldn’t settle for anything less than he deserves.

As for his brother Dylan, I’m not as worried about Dylan as I am about Darik. Dylan has Jennifer, I have known Jennifer for a long time, haven’t talked to her much, but I know her well enough that I know she will take good care of Dylan, and even Darik. They are super close, and she is a really awesome person, so I am not worried about Dylan at least. I’m not sure if Darik is close to anyone, like Dylan is close to Jennifer (I actually think they are together, but not sure right now).

I really want them to just get what they deserve. They deserve girls that are talented, smart, sweet, honest, dress nice, act nice, are LDS, faithful, pretty, and dedicated.  Having to stay on the sidelines isn’t exactly easy for me. There are so many times I have wanted to interfere and protect them, but I know I can’t. As much as I love them and want to be in their lives, they have other ideas, and I don’t want to put the pressure on them anymore. I’m not going to be in their world if they don’t really want me there. If it makes them happy I am going to just watch from the sidelines.

I think we would have been closer if I had made better decisions. I look back in my past and I see all the stuff I could have done different. I should have had more courage, I should have stepped up more and talked to them more and hung around them more at school and stuff. I was so nervous and I let my fear and in insecurities get the better of me.  I didn’t work on my social skills enough, and my self esteem and it really effected our friendship. I should have just taken what I had and worked with it instead of just expecting something better to come.  When I was younger my parents never really let me hang out with guys besides my best friend Devin. I just assumed they would let me hang out with Darik and Dylan, I’m was so young and didn’t guess that they wouldn’t let me hang out with them. Hanging out with guys in my religion is considered to be wrong outside an actual relationship, it’s considered to be dangerous. I understand why they upheld that rule now and i’m glad they did honestly. They were just looking out for me.  My mom and dad were good friends with Devin’s family and we grew up together so she let that happen, and it was fine, but other guys were out of the question.  I assumed in the earlier years that I would get to spend some time with them outside of school, so I totally took my time with them for granted and treated it like I had all of it in the world.  If I could do it again I would have more courage, be more out going, be a better friend and talk to them more inside school. A lot of the time I feel like I act like a total moron around them, but i’ll save talking about that for later.  Even if I did it over again and things turned out the same as they have, at least I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

It really is partially my fault we aren’t as close as I wished we could be.  I guess things happen for a reason, but I think it would have been fine either way.  I don’t think my vision problems would have been too much trouble if I had just tried more. I was way to self conscious, and inside myself back then.

I quite honestly hate being away from Darik. I really wish I could be around him and Dylan more. It kills me that I can’t spend more time with them. I really wish I could fix things with us, and actually do what friends do with each other. I feel so gravitated towards both of them and it’s hard to have to hold back. I know my desire is one sided. They have so many other great friends and I really wish now I had made more of an effort ot be one of those exciting, fun, great friends.  I know I have it in me without a doubt.

Somehow I’m sure I’ll deal with this stuff.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 2)

I sent Darik a text message a few minutes ago, it turned out to be much more than I originally planned. I have really been bugged by how things ended with us 2 months ago. I really wanted to say something to him very badly. I must have written and re-written the text I sent him about 20 times, each with different things I could say. I finally realized that no words i could possibly say would make me feel better unless if they were "I love you". These are the only words i have left for him, for both him and Dylan. I don't feel like i can say anything else now other than what I said in that text. 
"I really want to say something to you but I don't wan to bug you. So the only thing I am going to say is I love you, because all other words are futile now. Take it any way you want I don't care. These are the only words I have left. And don't you dare laugh because I'm crying. "
So many emotions went through my fingers and through my whole body while I was typing this, and during the 20 or so seconds before i actually sent it. I was happy, sad, frustrated, excited, confused, clear, so many different things in that one moment in time. I lost it completely and put every single emotion I could summon up into that text. I just hope he reads it. 
Two months ago it ended completely awkward. I have always had problems with keeping our friendship balanced. I have had to go through tons of insecurities, and psychological phenomenon the whole time I have know both of them. Every time I try to tell them how I feel it always goes wrong in some way. Maybe i tried to hard, or explained myself wrong. I think I was also a little too dramatic, actually I know i had a tendency for being really dramatic. My feelings for these two have always been super strong though. I always got ahead of myself, but at least my heart was always in the right place, even if I didn't communicate it properly sometimes. 
I tried to make things better by trying to give up on our friendship for their benefit. I thought it was the wise thing to do. I was so sure that i was only getting in the way and that i had n real purpose in their life. i was ready to but out for good and leave them alone. I ended up texting both of them and they ended up talking me out of it for a while.  i never really felt quite settled though. i really didn't feel like I deserved to be their friend, like I was any good. Them talking me out of it made me feel kind of happy, but I was more confused than anything to be honest. I didn't want to pursue it any more though. I just kind of gave up on the notion of giving up cold turkey because i figured it was a good idea to at least give them a few more weeks.
At the end I ended up talking myself into thinking of them as the bad guys, I was so stupid. i convinced myself that if I kept on talking to them i would just end up getting hurt. i convinced myself that they were what was wrong. I sent them a message on Facebook telling them i wanted to stay away from them, and that being around them was only hurting me. I was so dumb to do this. I made sure to write it so it looked like I thought i was also partially to blame. I know that this is the truth, even though internally I was trying to deny this was true. I'm glad i didn't put the blame on them in writing. I at least did the decent thing in writing and told them how i felt in at least a semi- right way. i still regret that though. I could have done everything in a much better way if only I had just been patient.
Instead of trying to get things back to the way they were after telling him how sorry I was for all the drama I had caused trying to protect myself I just backed off and told him and Dylan that I cared about them a lot and just left it at that. I told them i was just going to let go. At least I ended it semi-good.
I have been feeling guilty in varying degrees over the past two months. I really have a lot of regrets, and I know I have to deal wit them myself and come to terms with them. I know how that expressing these feelings isn't exactly the best thing to do with Darik and Dylan which is why I am doing this on my blog instead. I don't want to shove these feelings onto them anymore, and I know they don't want to deal with the drama anymore. Darik has been so patient, he has had to deal with most of it. He has been so good to me the past few years. He could have gotten angry, or frustrated, or irritated, but he never showed anything like that. This is one of the reasons why I care about him so much. 
Anyway, I still have a lot I want to express on this subject, but for now I'll just leave it like this. 
I'll do my regular entry later.
EDIT: if you wan to understand my past with Darik you can read this entry from way back in 2010. >>> Here
FYI: I am going to be doing a new version of my past with Darik and Dylan soon. I really need to because a lot has changed.

Friends and headaches

EDIT: About an hour after I posted this I found out I didn't see the text Sam sent me.  Oops? He sent me one about 2 hours before I posted this and I didn't see it because my phone was charging.  I'm hoping everything tuns out good. I will update you later. I have no idea what is going to happen yet. He had me answer a question first before he would give me his reply, I just sent that answer to that question. Still waiting for his answer. :)

So today was a little weird. For some reason I felt so cut off from everyone today. I felt ignored, and like everyone was ignoring how I felt. I think it might have something to do with what happened yesterday. For those of you that saw my pulse earlier today, you know this.

So out of the blue yesterday I decided to ask Sam how he felt about me. Or in other words I told him I wasn't sure just how he felt about me and I wasn't sure what exactly I was to him. I honestly don't really know. I mean we are friends and all but I've never really asked him that. I don't even know if he likes me half as much as I like him. Having this hang over my head is not my favorite thing in the world to deal with. I am so open with how I feel about people, I can't help but expect some of that clarity to be given back. Anyway, he never really answered back which has kind of left me in an awkward position. I feel so left in the dark now. Maybe he doesn't know how to answer, maybe he doesn't want to answer. I have NO clue what he is thinking.

As if not knowing how Darik and Dylan feel about me clearly wasn't enough now I have to worry about this. Well, at least I have GOOD ENOUGH idea of how those two feel about me, enough to feel secure, but I don't feel like I have that with Sam right now. I just hope I didn't make Sam feel weird by asking the question, I did not intend that at all. I wish he would answer though.  I became overwhelmed wit the feeling that I was alone earlier today, like I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to and I buckled under the pressure and nearly started to talk to Dylan again. I didn't end up talking to him in the end though, but I did end up talking to Darik. I could tell, and feel that I am not quite ready to talk to Dylan yet again. I still have some things I need to work out before I talk to Dylan again. Anyway, so I told Darik how I was feeling and why I was talking to him again. You wouldn't believe the difference in how I felt after I felt like I had someone to talk to. After I told him how I was feeling I felt so much better. I wasn't really expecting him to reply, and he didn't but that wasn't the point. I know how busy he is so I am not so worried anymore when he doesn't reply to me. I am glad I started talking to Darik again, really glad.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future so far as all my problems are concerned, but I feel like it will be okay. I know it will be hard to overcome the problems I have with Dylan, and with some other people, but I know I can make it if I try my best. Sometimes I don't feel like this, sometimes I feel really depressed and hopeless, but I always come out of it. It's funny how much one person can change your mood in one instant, or even a few seconds. I have obviously chosen my friends wisely.

Anyway, I still have stuff I am worried about, but I don't feel like it is weighing me down. I don't know what is going to happen with Sam either, but I will have good friends like Darik, Dylan, and some of my other friends on and off Xanga to keep me from falling. Not to mention my family and God as well.  I am feeling a whole lot better than I was earlier.

So today I started reading a new manga. I'm reading a manga called "Stardust Wink". It's really great. I am only a few chapters into it and I am already loving it.

Nothing much happened today besides this stuff, just sorting out feelings and stuff. I played tetris, and looked for some new music, stuff like that. Other than that it was a pretty uneventful day. On, and I joined these Christian forums yesterday night, just for fun, and because I felt like I could get a little help at them in some areas. So far the people are very supportive and kind.

My weight loss is going great. I will wait to tell you how much I lost until the end of the month though.

I guess this is enough now. :)

I hope tomorrow will be more exciting.

Writer's Slump...

Wow, yes It has been a month since I blogged anything. I have been having a major writer's slump. it happens to me from time to time. I haven't really thought about it lately, but once i started to think about it I started to realize just how many times this has happened. I seem to have a problem with motivation in everything really, even writing, blogging, etc.

I am usually at a loss sometimes as to what I should write, sometimes my life seems so incredibly boring that I can not think of anything to write. sometimes I am just depressed, and / or mad at everyone. I do feel a lot of negative feelings toward the human race sometimes. sometimes I just feel like I should just hide from everyone and not let anyone get to know me. i guess in a way this also contributes to my problem with dropping out of Xanga randomly and not blogging for sometimes 1 to 3 months and sometimes longer in some cases.

I have a lot of things to deal with right now, I can't geta job, I can't go to school right now. Social situations are very hard for me to deal with. I am not very fond of crowds, or repetetive enviroments that lack creativity. Sometimes my repetetive, complicated life just sees kind of pointless. I know that isnt true consciously but I honestly FEEL this way a lot of the time. Like I have no purpose in life, and / or like I am just going to be a nuisance to everyone around me. I feel like I can't do anything great for the world sometimes, like I am just a flaw in the fabric of the universe.

this is just the tip of the iceberg but things like this really effect my activity when it comes to physically writing or blogging on my computer. My brain just shuts down and refuses to think u stuff to blog about sometimes. It is a really frusterating thing for me actually. right now I'm not even thinking about what I am writing I am just simply typing what is going through my head without thinking about it. I think this will help a lot. maybe I should just do this for a couple of days and maybe I will be able to reviveas a blogger. I feel so strange right now...

Sorry about the spelling mistakes, I just don't want to worry about them right now...

So i have been on the HCG diet for like 3 or 4 weeks now. i started in the middle of Janary. I have lost almost 25 pounds already. I am starting to feel a lot better about the way I look. I have been moderately over weight for most of my life and I have always hated it.  I'm glad I'm finally making progress on it finally. Little things like this should make life better for me. I still have a long way to go in my weight loss, like 50 pounds, something like that anyway.

anyway, I'll just stop here...

Reunion.

My dad made waffles today. I usually eat them with jelly or jam…

This has been a very uneventful day today…

I’m just counting the days until I see my friend again on sunday. I hope nothing goes wrong. I’ve wanted to see him for a long time.

I’ve lost track of how many times my thoughts have wandered in his direction. I still have a lot of things I need to think about though, a lot of things to sort through. 

Restraining feelings is a hard thing to do… But I really have no choice right now.

I’ll keep that door locked for now.

My feelings aren’t relevant for now. I honestly care more about his feelings than my own. This has always been the case.

I wont reveal more than this…

FRIENDSHIP IS NOT A TOY!!

I've seen a lot of this crap in my lifetime where people use friendship as something they can just throw away. I can honestly say that there is nothing that can make me more pissed off than people using me as a toy.

I have been a victim of the classic "I'm only pretending to be her friend because shes different I'm only being nice I don't really like her." THIS to me is the cruelest thing anyone has done to me and now I don't trust anyone in real life to be my friend. I have been used and lied to and I've been treated like i'm stupid and like my feelings aren't relevant at all. There is hardly anything more unfair than PRETENDING to be some ones friend! 

My eyes have been made fun of because I have an eye condition that makes it so they can't stop moving, I have missing teeth, I have a ton of problems that I have had to deal with almost on my own (with family of course) because people wouldn't suck it up and try to get to know me. 

I say WHAT IS THE POINT! In the end unless if you're a jerk that doesn't care about anyone, does this get you. In the end you are going to feel guilty for what you did to that person and you are going to wish that you were a better friend to them. And to the people that believe in God what is the point if that person is going to be perfect in the next life What's the POINT?! People with disabilities and other problems that most people shun them away for are the ones that ACTUALLY need the love, the friendship the promise that they DO  matter because we do! we have brains and some of us might not be able to express ourselves very well or we might not understand some things or some people but that doesn't make us any less eligible for love and kindness. 

I've been there I've been made fun of and I've been pushed around and mentally abused by people. Its the people that treat us like dirt that are destroying this world. We can do so much and no one acknowledges us at all! 

So the next time you meet a disable person try to be more of a friend and try to be less judgmental because I would hate to see any more people become solitary because people lied to those people and pretended that they cared yo are going to destroy some ones life if you treat them badly. We only have one life to live and we should make those that are less fortunate happier because if we don't we are going to end up sad ourselves in the end.