Believe in Me

I've been feeling really weird today, like when you feel when you are really hungry and your stomach is about to growl. Only when I eat something it doesn't go away. I think it's that beef stuff I ate yesterday night, it tastes pretty good but I think my stomach wasn't to fond of it. I've been feeling a little under the weather today, and I seem to be a little cold sensitive too. I get those random days when everything I touch seems to give twice the feeling it normally does, things feel colder or hotter, it's really strange. I went to church today still even though I felt this way, though I ended up lying down on the couch and listening to the scriptures on my iPhone for the last 2 hours of church. Sitting down seemed to make it stronger.  I took a 3 hour nap after church, I think that helped a lot. I think I was feeling like that also because I didn't get enough sleep yesterday. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes, sometimes I just don't feel like sleeping though. It's been rainy and a little cold today, still in the lower 50's but it felt a lot nicer than it's been feeling. The rain felt extra cold on my skin today however, I really hate that feeling.

Anyway, I just thought I would mention that, but I want to talk about something else.

I don't blame people for doubting me, I have a lot of things I have to overcome and I have not tried my hardest in the past. I was often lazy and did things half hearted. I wish I had tried harder at school, and helped more at home.  I think I used my vision problems and other impairments to get out of a lot of things. For me stuff being easy was first priority, I really regret that now. I think I passed up a lot of opportunities to become a lot stronger and make people see that I am not a weak person.

I think because of these mistakes people have come to think both in the past, and present that I can't do a lot of things. I see it everywhere I go, people always doubting me or telling me I can't do certain things. I know this misconception is mostly my fault, if I had tried harder I could have prevented it.  The times that hurt the most are when my own family members think I can't do something that with just a little help I could do, and learn to do on my own. I sometimes feel that my family and / or friends don't believe in me as much as they should. This feeling is more crippling than you can probably imagine.  It hurts when they doubt me or tell  me I can't do something I know I can learn how to do, it's a real confidence killer. I wish they would take bigger leaps of faith than they have, it's okay for me to make mistakes, I think they try and prevent me from getting hurt, but they also are preventing me from growing. I think I need to make mistakes to be able to grow. I know I'm in for a lot of hard times, but if they just believe in me a little more and don't doubt me as much it will be a lot easier.  I like to have as much support as I can, when I can get it.

I remember in high school they had doubts that I would graduate, I don't really blame them because I honestly didn't try as hard as I should have in school but instead of just looking at what I failed to do, they should have told me I could do it a little more. I remember they did encourage me, but I don't think they did it as much as they should have. I remember they were always tying to make things easier for me, to make things less stressful, I understand why but I think I was denied a lot of growth I could have had. Everyone makes mistakes, so I have no hard feelings.

I am excited to show people what I can do in the future. I feel like I am ready to show people who I truly am. I've been holding myself back so much. I know there are a lot of people out there that will believe in me and help me through it. I hope I can get my family and friends to see my stronger side, I want them to believe in me a lot more than they do now.

FRIENDSHIP IS NOT A TOY!!

I've seen a lot of this crap in my lifetime where people use friendship as something they can just throw away. I can honestly say that there is nothing that can make me more pissed off than people using me as a toy.

I have been a victim of the classic "I'm only pretending to be her friend because shes different I'm only being nice I don't really like her." THIS to me is the cruelest thing anyone has done to me and now I don't trust anyone in real life to be my friend. I have been used and lied to and I've been treated like i'm stupid and like my feelings aren't relevant at all. There is hardly anything more unfair than PRETENDING to be some ones friend! 

My eyes have been made fun of because I have an eye condition that makes it so they can't stop moving, I have missing teeth, I have a ton of problems that I have had to deal with almost on my own (with family of course) because people wouldn't suck it up and try to get to know me. 

I say WHAT IS THE POINT! In the end unless if you're a jerk that doesn't care about anyone, does this get you. In the end you are going to feel guilty for what you did to that person and you are going to wish that you were a better friend to them. And to the people that believe in God what is the point if that person is going to be perfect in the next life What's the POINT?! People with disabilities and other problems that most people shun them away for are the ones that ACTUALLY need the love, the friendship the promise that they DO  matter because we do! we have brains and some of us might not be able to express ourselves very well or we might not understand some things or some people but that doesn't make us any less eligible for love and kindness. 

I've been there I've been made fun of and I've been pushed around and mentally abused by people. Its the people that treat us like dirt that are destroying this world. We can do so much and no one acknowledges us at all! 

So the next time you meet a disable person try to be more of a friend and try to be less judgmental because I would hate to see any more people become solitary because people lied to those people and pretended that they cared yo are going to destroy some ones life if you treat them badly. We only have one life to live and we should make those that are less fortunate happier because if we don't we are going to end up sad ourselves in the end.