Storm & Calm

You know that January 6th is a hard day for me. I lost the friendship of someone I cared about 4 years ago on that day. This year the memories of that day still haunt me, but they weren’t the hardest thing I had to deal with.

I really hate politics, and so having to go through the drama of having Biden’s victory certified was very stressful. I just wanted Trump out of office. I have had to be careful about seeing or hearing anything related to Donald Trump since the voting last November. Every time I see him or hear his name my heart starts pounding out of my chest. The entire time he was president I had a tight anxious feeling. I hated every minute of him being president. I was curious at first, but that faded really fast. I don’t know what would have happened if he had won, but I’m glad I’ll never have to figure that out.

So I guess my memories of my friend went on the back burner this year. My thoughts were utterly consumed with carefully navigating the news all day on January 6th. I also did my best to avoid as much as i could while still trying to keep myself informed on at least a minimal level. I didn’t want to give myself an anxiety attack and cause myself more stress than I needed, so I chose what I read very carefully. It was a very tight balancing act I guess you could say.

Anyway, I stayed up last night until the very end of it all. I am glad that Donald Trump has finally given up. He makes a better reality TV star if you ask me.

I was so relieved to have this all over that I just chilled out, played games, and listened to music all day yesterday. It’s 1am on the 8th as I write this. I feel at peace with the political situation for the first time in a long time. My feelings toward my lost friend will probably be with me for a long time, but they are healing. I just hope January 6th turns out to be a better day for me next year. I hope I am able to go out and escape my thoughts and everything next year.

A Turbulent Work Story - Part 2

 

So sorry for the long wait! I haven't written for 3 months. Thankfully you haven't missed too much as my life isn't super eventful right now. It's actually a good thing I have waited to write this though as I put my two weeks notice in at work a couple of weeks ago. I'll get to that part at the end of this.

Here is part 1

So in the first part I left off where my terrible second manager decided to quit. I was in a bad place and very depressed. Little did I know that things would turn around. Manager R was very accepting. I had planned to put in my two weeks notice when we first met after Manager T quit, but I ended up talking to him about my work situation instead. He was very accepting and understanding. Manager R didn't make me clean anymore and let me train as a real Coldstone Creamery employee. I was a bit mentally torn down by this time, so i didn't make myself do too much. I helped customers on a few occasions, but for a year I helped make waffle cones and Waffle bowls mostly. I wasn't ready to do everything yet. I still had to pick myself up a bit.

A year went by pretty smoothly, but I was getting a little restless and wanted to do more. I used to work with vocational rehab a while ago too and they help people with employment. They wanted me to do more at work and try to get more hours. Since I only did waffle bowls and cones for the most part at the time I didn't work much. I decided to push for more work and so a little more than a year ago I began training to make ice cream.

Making ice cream at Coldstone isn't that complicated. We have a machine we use in the back of our store. The easiest one to describe is sweet cream. Sweet cream is just one bag of sweet cream base into the machine, then we start the machine. For chocolate ice cream it's the same thing only we use chocolate sweet cream instead of regular. For other flavors we just add ingredients. So, making ice cream isn't that complicated. We run a cleaning cycle with water between flavors. I was always pretty through when I did the cleaning cycle so nothing was left in the machine. At the end we take apart the door and clean the propeller inside. Then we put the machine back together and run a sanitizing cycle. After that is done we drain the machine and then we are done.

Life was good for the two years Manager R was there. I had some moments when my past caught up to me and I was depressed, but Manager R helped me through it. He related to and understood a lot of my problems, so he was good. Sometimes the fact that I lost my job at Cinnabon really bugs me and he always helped me handle my feelings, it really was nice of him.

After two years of having Manager R around he decided to quit. It actually caught me off guard and I felt really uncomfortable. It was so sudden and I only saw Manager R a few times after that. I understand this was for the best though. Manager R really was there for long enough and I learned a lot of important things after he left. Manager R made a pretty quiet exit and Manager H came in. I wrote a post a few posts back about my doubts at the time about Manager H. Manager H is a lot different than Manager R was.

Manager H doesn't let people talk about their problems, he told me he isn't a therapist and I came to respect that. I always knew that he wasn't the type of person I could just load off my emotional problems onto like Manager R was. I had that feeling from the moment I met him. Manager H seemed kind of strict and stiff for a while. For almost 6 months this was making me very nervous and cut off. Manager H was a lot pickier about things like the order I made the ice cream in. I used to just do it randomly, but he made me do it in a certain order and it wasn't until later that I understood why. Not being able to do it my way used to drive me absolutely nuts. It was all for the best in the end though.

I thought Manager H was looking down on me and treating me like I was stupid. I really did misunderstand him for a long time. I was becoming very depressed again and was very bored and annoyed with my job. Eventually a few weeks before I put in my two weeks notice though I decided to just talk to Manager H about my feelings. He wasn't looking down on me at all. He just wanted to make sure we were all doing our jobs right and I came to understand I was actually pretty valuable. I managed to explain all this without getting overly emotional. It was this talk that made me realize that I didn't need a manager that doubled as a therapist. Actually, having that line drawn helped me communicate better about how I felt about my job without going into too much detail about my other life problems. I was more comfortable having those boundaries than I thought I would be. It helped me think clearer in that situation.

In the last few weeks of my job things really turned around. I felt comfortable and accepted and I actually started to truly enjoy working at Coldstone. I feel like I was able to finally let go of my job at Cinnabon. This kind of made it hard for me to quit. In the end my reason for quitting wasn't because I wanted to, it was mostly because my family was worried about me being out during this coronavirus outbreak. I mostly did it for them and I have no regrets. I think Manager H might let me return sometime. I guess we will see. I think if I can't find another job I might want to go back in a few months. For now I am just chilling at home though.

Anyway, that is the crazy story about my job history. It really has been quite a ride. Things turned out good though and I am very glad about this.

A Turbulent Work Story - Part 1

I could have sworn I already wrote this. Oh well, I guess now is as good of a time as any.

I'm not one of those people that was successful at getting a job at 16. Due to a few life circumstances like depression, other mental health stuff, social awkwardness, my bad eyesight, and probably laziness; I didn't have a job until I was 26. I am 30 now, so it hasn't been that long.

When I was 24 I started going out a lot. I would go to the mall and around town. I still to this day go window shopping a few days a week. I find it to be a good use of my time. Throughout my journeys I became familiar with all the different stores. With time and a little encouragement from Vocational Rehab I found myself seriously looking for a job by the time I was 25. I had been in an out of college at that time, and I guess besides the other reasons, finding a job just wasn't something I was that important to me up until then.

Two of the places I frequently visited at the mall were Cinnabon and Coldstone Creamery. The manager, who I refer to as Manager J on here became familiar with me with time because I visited so often. That is how I landed a job at Cinnabon a little over 4 years ago. It pays off when you get familiar with employees in your favorite stores. I was so excited to work at Cinnabon and I started the day before Halloween in 2015.

I am legally blind, so I had to convince Manager J I was good at cleaning in order to get the job. When you have a physical handicap it can make it super challenging to land jobs. I knew I was going to have to be convincing, and that worked out for me. My first two days I helped hand out samples to trick or treaters around the mall. We gave cinnamon roll samples and Coldstone did ice cream samples. I was allowed to wear my Halloween costume to work for this occasion. I kind of question if being a rainbow sock monkey left the best impression though. I think the combination of me being visually impaired, kind of socially awkward, and wearing a kind of childish costume gave my coworkers a bad impression of me. It wouldn't be the first time someone has mistaken me for someone who is mentally challenged.

After the first two days at work I started training. I helped Manager J clean, but I was also trained in all the Cinnabon operations. I had to wait a bit longer to do the registers though. I think the franchise owner didn't know what to think of me yet, so he held off on that for a few weeks. I kind of expected that though, some people don't know what to think of visually impaired people at work. I eventually learned how to help customers though. Customer service is actually my favorite part about any job.

I did a lot of dishes at work. I also helped Manager J clean the racks, and under the sinks. I did a lot of cleaning up and organizing. What we did on days we cleaned was pretty random. Back then cleaning was something I found very therapeutic, so I loved it. The normal par of my job was really fun. We always had a race with each other to have the fastest rolling times when we made the cinnamon rolls. I loved rolling and it kind of sucks that I don't do it anymore. What we do is we thaw out already made sheets of dough, roll them out to a certain length, put margarine on top, then cinnamon, then we roll them up. I'll insert a picture below. After this they proof for a while and then we bake them.

Other items I've made are cinna sweeties, which are basically donut holes with sugar and cinnamon on them. We also make cinna stix, which are sticks of dough that we dip in margarine and cover in cinnamon and sugar. We twist them so they have a spiral shape. Usually when we make them we store them in the freezer for later. We only take them out for baking when we are getting low on the display. Other things we make are Chillatas which are smoothies basically. We have different flavors depending on the time of the year. we also have frozen lemonade and regular lemonade. In the winter we have hot chocolate. That's just a few things we have there.

I would highly recommend Cinnabon as a starter job. It really is great for people who haven't worked yet.

My relationship with my coworkers had always been a bit strained. I have never been all that great at talking to people in general. I didn't take to most of my coworkers that much. I got along with a few however. Most of the time I felt very isolated and awkward. I've always had the feeling that my coworkers feel at least a little awkward around me and don't know what to do. Things went well for me the first 8 or 9 months I worked there. It was pretty normal and I loved my job. I love the job itself, not really my coworkers so much. I really wish we could have had a better relationship back then. That would have made the job perfect.

Things took a turn for the worst when we switched managers. The manager of Coldstone Manager T took over Cinnabon and Manager J left. I thought Manager T was an okay manager at first, but things went terribly wrong. First he implemented the sample shift. this shift we would basically spend the whole shift just making and serving samples. I had nothing against the shift itself, it's just that Manager T used it to shove me off to the side. He had me sampling more than I was doing regular shifts. It wasn't like that for anyone else. I began to hate my job at this point and started to feel even more isolated and different.

I got depressed and one day I had enough. I complained and expressed my feelings to him. I told him how stressed out by always being stuck on the sample shift. Most of my regular shift had been taken away from me at this point. He wasn't even letting me help customers. The way he explained it was that I wasn't going fast enough and a couple people complained about me. I wasn't told this until it was too late. I completely broke down the day I told him how I felt. I didn't know what to do, so I turned to cleaning for comfort. I told him I would clean more as long as he didn't make me do the sample shift anymore. I really didn't know what else to do at this point.

From that day I cleaned 3 days a week for 2 or 3 hours per shift. Manager T had made me a list to follow every time I came in. It wasn't a hard list, but it got repetitive. Sometimes I'd do extra stuff on my own. I was okay with cleaning at that time, even though it didn't help me develop a better relationship with my coworkers. We were more separate than ever. Sometimes Manager T would have me roll, which at the time I was grateful for. I've always loved making the cinnamon rolls, so I'm glad he at least let me do that. Also, I'll admit that sometimes when I was working with someone I liked I would help customers behind his back. That was probably dumb, but I regret nothing.

I was basically stuck cleaning for around 15 months I guess. During that time I was switched from the Cinnabon payroll, to the Coldstone Creamery payroll. This basically cut off any way for me to help customers at Cinnabon. Manager T said that the franchise owner couldn't afford to pay someone that was only cleaning, so that is why I was moved to the Coldstone payroll. This ended any chance if me getting my old job back. I didn't know what to think at the time, but I think I'm unable to like working at Coldstone because I go the job this way. I think Manager T used this to control me too.

Cleaning went from something I enjoyed, to something I hated. I wasn't even rolling by the time Manager T quit. I was depressed to the point I had trouble physically moving some days. I reached my limit around October 2017. I made up my mind that I had had enough of the misery I was feeling so I decided it was time to quit. I complained to Manager T one last time. I told him about how unhappy I was and that i felt under appreciated.

It was at this time that I learned Manager T was going to quit. He told me to talk to whoever became the new manager about it. I held off quitting until I could meet my new manager. this is where things started to get a lot better. My year of hell was finally coming to an end.

Sorry to leave you on a cliffhanger. I just don't want to make this too long. I'll have the next part up soon

Not Black & White

I am so blessed and I’m sure despite my trials that has always been the case. Life is often portrayed as dull and full of negative things. In the end however that is not the true nature of the world. There is so much color in this world and we should practice finding it. Optimism is something that takes time to develop. It might be hard at first to see the positive but as you keep looking it gets easier and easier. This world really isn’t as bad as people sometimes say it is. There are lots of great things happening. I get the appeal of drama. I understand why the mainstream news focuses on it drama is exciting, but too much is toxic. I really think we need more balance in the news. People are depressed and we need to show each other this world isn’t black and white.

Men Are Confusing!

Once again, I suggest you check this post out if you haven't already. I still don't feel like enough people have seen it. :)  CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
I have no clue what is going on, but Ronnie has not talked to me for 8 days now. His birthday is on Friday, and I think he might be busy, but it's kind of confusing me a little because he hasn't said anything to me. I am not going to get my hopes up for anything because our friendship is mostly internet based. I wish he would at least tell me a little bit of what is going on. I've done everything I can, I'll give it 4 more weeks of slack and if he hasn't talked to me by then I'm going to call a flat line. This will truly suck for me if it happens because he is the only close friend I have right now that I feel like I can be myself around and talk to about anything. Abandoned by another friend, just lovely. I'm not going to assume anything quite yet though, I still have faith that he has a reason, I mean he has been really good to me so far, so I have to give him some slack. I'll give it time.
Today has been a little more eventful. I spent most of the first few hours of my day fixing up my blogger blog. My blogger is www.liahna.com I figured now is probably the time to get it set up finally. I already had a lot of it taken care of, but some of the entries needed editing and stuff and I wanted to host some of the pictures as well somewhere else. I reverted all the posts to drafts and I now have all my current ones until back in August back up. I still have a long way to go, but I am having fun with it.
I decided to take a break after a couple of hours, it was around 1pm when I decided to grab my phone, lie down and watch this cartoon I like called "6teen". I think the show is hilarious and so random. I am sad they cancelled it, it was a great show. I fell aslep watching it and ended up sleeping for 4 hours. I guess I needed the sleep, but I still think it was a bit much. Maybe I should make a nap alarm, so I don;t over nap anymore. I am not sure about this yet though because I tend to have my best dreams when I nap. I'll have to think about it carefully.
I decided today is the day I start working on organizing my very messy picture folder on my computer. I am using my pro account on Flickr to aid me in this task because it is going to be tricky. I just made the decision to go pro on flickr today, because I like it and it will help me manage my photos easier. I am also going to try Shutterfly, and if I like it more than Flickr, well then I guess I'll move. I think I've let the picture situation on my computer get way out of hand. I am usually pretty organized when it comes to stuff on my computer, but I guess I haven't been as careful as I should have been.
My sister ordered some gluten free pizza from Pizza Hut. It was okay, not as good as some others I've tried, but it was satisfying at least. She also got some root beer with it. She was going to get 2 pizzas but they were pretty expensive, so she got a small one for Kayla and a medium for the rest of us.
Natalie and Kayla got into some drama again tonight, but it calmed down eventually. They are still young so I try not to make a big deal out of it and ignore their fights as much as I can. I'm sure they will grow up just fine. I remember I was kind of a brat at their age, and wasn't nice sometimes, even to my friends on occasion. I think I was maybe a litle more internally bratty though. I was always good about not getting into fights though. They are both getting close to the age range I understand the most. I'll be able to help them a lot in their teenage years, I just know it. I was a teenager not to far back, I know what it is like and all the trouble you have and the worries.
Anyway, so right now I'm just sipping on my Egyptian Licorice herbal tea, and reading blogs. This is like a nightly ritual for me now. Tea is a must have every morning and night, I can thank my English anscestors for that. haha.  I am probably going to get some new flavors soon. I don't think we have enough fruity flavors.
Oh yeah! I nearly forgot to mention this AGAIN. I decided a few months back that I really want to learn how to play the Cello. Ours has been broken for a while (broken G string), and we have been meaning to fix it for a while now. I am going to get it fixed soon and then I'm going to start lessons right after that. I love the Cello so much, I"m so excited to learn it. I want to wait until tomorrow to talk about this more, but just thought I would mention this right now.

Uneasy

I don’t like lying to myself. I always say that college was to hard for me, that was a lie. I just did not have any motivation, or confidence in myself. if I could have had a little more at least things could have turned out better for me. I am always making up excuses so I can take the easy way out. I was just to lazy to do anything back then, I took everything for granted. I have a bad habit of making excuses for everything I do wrong. Now people have the wrong idea that I am not capable. I know how capable I am even more than they do though. It is my body and my life obviously I know more than they do about what I feel and what I see and how I do things.

Truth is I don’t like this SSI thing I’m trying to get. It has involved me making a bunch of outrageous over statements. I know that I am majorally exaggerating. I m only getting it because it’s easier on my parents, that is all. Truth is I feel guilty for even trying to get it because I know I can get a job and stuff but it would create a lot of hassle that I don’t want. I feel like people are trying to think for me. I don’t even want to correct them because it is so exhausting.  From my point of view it seems everyone around me thinks they know so much about what I can and can’t do. I guess that is my fault for not caring enough to be completely honest. I know it very well but I am tired of correcting people.

I went to a psychologist about a month or more ago. I had to go for my possibility to being accepted for SSI. She asked a lot of questions, my dad kept on trying to answer them. This is one of my pet peeves, one of my stronger ones. he just automatically assumes me knows more about me that i know about myself. This is what it looks like from my viewpoint anyway. I was so irritated the whole time, all i could think abut is how much I wanted him to shut up and let me talk but I was to exasperated to do so. This was after all, my time to talk to the psychologist, I was supposed to be answering the questions not him. I was SO happy when she made him g out of the room. I don’t think my dad knows enough about me to start talking for me.  Some of you reading this might be in my family, sorry if that seems a bit harsh but I really needed to speak out about this. If I think you know more about something than I do I will just voice it and say it would be better off coming from your lips, don’t just decide weather or not to speak for me on your own if I haven’t said so. I’m not stupid, and I know what I am talking about when it comes to my life. And don’t go lecturing me about what I write on my blog, I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, I am just trying to say some things that do not come out easy for me when i speak normally. I guess I tend to tell the truth a little more when I write it down. If you don’t like anything I write on my blog then don’t read it please.

Family Drama!

Hey everyone! Its been so long! Sorry about not being here I've been on wordpress for a while. I'm going to bring all my  new posts from there to here in a few days. Looks like people have been noticing my blog! That makes me happy! I haven't forgotten about this place so don't worry about it ha ha. 

So many family dramas going on right now. My mom was hospitalized and shes having her heart checked. Poor mom she has to work a  ton to keep paying the bills she gets so stressed and its taking a toll on here big time! Her immune system attacks her body when she gets stressed a lot and her heart has problems as well its dangerous. My dad lost his job and she was cutting back her hours at work but then had to go back to normal hours I wanted to cry. Stupid economy's fault!

Anyway so there's another thing I wanted to talk to you about. I have a Twitter! Yeah, so find me on Twitter! My username is Starya I use it a whole lot so If you want to know what I'm doing just go on there and check it out I update it a whole ton!

Anyway thats all for now!