The Twin Dilemma (Part 4) [END]

I've always had so many pent up feelings for Darik. I used to be really stubborn when it came to liking him. I usually would never admit that I liked him, even to myself. After years of doing that all the stuff I feel for him, the stuff I was trying to repress got so tangled and messed up that when it finally all came out at me I got really confused and went haywire. It still stresses me out when I try to make sense out of everything I feel and organize it all, just not as bad now. I have made a commitment now to not bring this problem with me when we talk or if we see each other again. I told him I would drop it all and just go off a clean slate and not bring any of that frustration and stuff to him. It was really starting to put a strain on our friendship. Darik and Dylan have always been very patient with me and that is something I have always loved about them. Darik and I worked out the basics on the first and 2nd day of school. I told him that I would try and be myself and not worry about everything anymore if he would give me another chance. Once again he replied and said that we will always be friends and that will and has never changed. After all the drama he has had to put up with me in the past, these words never cease to surprise me. He really has a good heart. So, the foundation is there, I just have to make sure I don't mess it up again.
I still try to untangle the mess of my feelings for Darik sometimes, but I do it alone, when i"m not around anyone else. I get kind of stressed when I try to do it, and kind of burnt out, but I always stop if it becomes too much. I'm not kidding when I say everything is tangled in an incomprehensible mess. I know I'll eventually figure this out, even if it takes me more time than I want it to.
I made a commitment at the end of the last school semester when they graduated that I would just let go and leave them alone. I really felt like I couldn't do anything right, or say anything right either, so I just decided to let go and move on. Things did not go as planned however, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. You also have to understand that they are both implanted so far and so deep into my subconscious that whenever I try to do stuff like this my subconscious rebels, in a big way too. If you have seen the posts about my dreams you know that I have a LOT of dreams about Darik, and Dylan as well, but not nearly as much as I have about Darik. When I dream about someone I have trouble not thinking about them for a little while afterward and that can sometimes create this cycle that is hard to break. I think about the person, and then I end up dreaming about them more.  I had this problem with my best friend Eric after he got married, my mind just did not want to let go of him. Well my problem with Darik is at least 10 times worse than this. I dream about him and it's like when I wake up my feelings for him are like 10 fold what they are usually and I can't get him off my mind and so the cycle just keeps going whether or not I want it to. My feelings calm down after a while, but the effect of the dreams usually lasts for a few hours after I wake up. So with this info you can probably understand why I had trouble letting go.
I was fine for a few weeks, but there was the matter of all my unresolved feelings for the both of them. Well, actually mostly Darik, I can ignore  my little problems with Dylan easy, they are nothing. I cracked at least 3 times and texted and messaged Darik. I felt to guilty for what a moron I had been though that every time I cracked it just made me feel worse. Sure, it made me feel better for a day or so but then I started doubting if I should have said what I said every time. I was so sure that Darik hated me by the end of the summer, I was shattered into a million pieces, or at least that is how I felt. The weight of still having a lot on my mind, the pressure of trying to untangle everything, and the pain of a lot of regret was just weighing me down. I was so stubborn, I did not want to let anything go, I wanted to solve it all. I am the kind of person that likes to resolve my feelings about stuff and solve my problems, all of them if I can. A lot of you know that I have a lot of regrets in my friendship with them, and the pressure of these regrets was killing me inside. I have trouble letting go of stuff like that. I am the kind of person that likes to solve EVERYTHING as I said before, even my feelings of regret for most things if I can.
In the end I ended up having to admit to myself that I just needed to let everything go, whether or not it was unresolved. I knew that if I was going to be a good friend I would have to get the hang of this. I knew I could do it and that is when I asked him for another chance and he said we were still friends. I am not expecting anything that big to happen, or for us to magically start talking a lot, I know that would be unrealistic. I do feel a lot better anyway, just because I am at least trying to let go of everything when I talk to him or if I see him. I don't feel bad about thinking about all that as long as I keep it to myself and work it out in private and don't bring him into it. I feel like a better friend now. I feel a lot better in general and not as... broken, I guess you could say.
You are probably wondering why I never talk about Dylan. That one is simple, there is just nothing I need to talk about. I am really quite satisfied with how things turned out with Dylan. I have no regrets, I did everything I could do and even though I probably could have been a lot more out going, I at least had a decent amount of time around Dylan when I was in school when I was younger. I really did like Dylan a lot, and I was able to organize my feelings and my thoughts a lot better and resolve almost all the inner problems I had a long time ago. It was kind of hard letting go, but I did it early enough that it didn't cause me too much trouble.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't made myself more distant on purpose, but it was necessary. I used to focus on Dylan a lot more, so I was able to keep myself organized and not let everything get tangled up and stuff. I never ignored my feelings for Dylan, I just carefully resolved them. It took me a few years after I decided I was going to let go of him, but I managed it just fine. He has a girlfriend now, an extremely awesome one too. I have always liked Jennifer a lot, she is really cool. I'm really glad I didn't let my problems with Darik effect my friendship with Dylan. I could have really screwed things up with Dylan if I hadn't been really careful. I came close to dragging him into it, but caught myself before I could do anything. I don't think he noticed the distance I kept from him, I was doing this on purpose. I didn't want to upset the balance. I made a wise decision.
Anyway, I guess this is all for now.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 3)

First off, here is the link to last night's post. HERE
Sometimes I’m scared for Darik. I just want him to end u with the right person. I care about him a lot as you know. He hangs out with a lot of people, he has a ton of friends of both genders. Sometimes I am worried that he will get too used to hanging out with lots of girls and he won’t be able to commit. I mean, I think he will, he is an amazing guy, but he worries me sometimes when he hangs out with a lot of girls. i’m just scared that he will fail to notice the girl that is right for him. Sometimes when people are around a lot of people and have a rich social life they forget to look at what is important. I don’t know what he is going to do, i’m not really sure how he thinks when he is around other people, but I just hope he finds his girl soon. I would seriously love to be that person, but I know I can’t, I’m not exactly his type. If I was, and if I was able to I would be his girl in a heartbeat though. I just want what is best for him, he is a really amazing guy and he is good at so many things and his personality is amazing. He shouldn’t settle for anything less than he deserves.

As for his brother Dylan, I’m not as worried about Dylan as I am about Darik. Dylan has Jennifer, I have known Jennifer for a long time, haven’t talked to her much, but I know her well enough that I know she will take good care of Dylan, and even Darik. They are super close, and she is a really awesome person, so I am not worried about Dylan at least. I’m not sure if Darik is close to anyone, like Dylan is close to Jennifer (I actually think they are together, but not sure right now).

I really want them to just get what they deserve. They deserve girls that are talented, smart, sweet, honest, dress nice, act nice, are LDS, faithful, pretty, and dedicated.  Having to stay on the sidelines isn’t exactly easy for me. There are so many times I have wanted to interfere and protect them, but I know I can’t. As much as I love them and want to be in their lives, they have other ideas, and I don’t want to put the pressure on them anymore. I’m not going to be in their world if they don’t really want me there. If it makes them happy I am going to just watch from the sidelines.

I think we would have been closer if I had made better decisions. I look back in my past and I see all the stuff I could have done different. I should have had more courage, I should have stepped up more and talked to them more and hung around them more at school and stuff. I was so nervous and I let my fear and in insecurities get the better of me.  I didn’t work on my social skills enough, and my self esteem and it really effected our friendship. I should have just taken what I had and worked with it instead of just expecting something better to come.  When I was younger my parents never really let me hang out with guys besides my best friend Devin. I just assumed they would let me hang out with Darik and Dylan, I’m was so young and didn’t guess that they wouldn’t let me hang out with them. Hanging out with guys in my religion is considered to be wrong outside an actual relationship, it’s considered to be dangerous. I understand why they upheld that rule now and i’m glad they did honestly. They were just looking out for me.  My mom and dad were good friends with Devin’s family and we grew up together so she let that happen, and it was fine, but other guys were out of the question.  I assumed in the earlier years that I would get to spend some time with them outside of school, so I totally took my time with them for granted and treated it like I had all of it in the world.  If I could do it again I would have more courage, be more out going, be a better friend and talk to them more inside school. A lot of the time I feel like I act like a total moron around them, but i’ll save talking about that for later.  Even if I did it over again and things turned out the same as they have, at least I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

It really is partially my fault we aren’t as close as I wished we could be.  I guess things happen for a reason, but I think it would have been fine either way.  I don’t think my vision problems would have been too much trouble if I had just tried more. I was way to self conscious, and inside myself back then.

I quite honestly hate being away from Darik. I really wish I could be around him and Dylan more. It kills me that I can’t spend more time with them. I really wish I could fix things with us, and actually do what friends do with each other. I feel so gravitated towards both of them and it’s hard to have to hold back. I know my desire is one sided. They have so many other great friends and I really wish now I had made more of an effort ot be one of those exciting, fun, great friends.  I know I have it in me without a doubt.

Somehow I’m sure I’ll deal with this stuff.