Darik & Dylan - (Part 4)

Even at age 14 I think a large part of me knew that letting myself fall for Dylan was a bad idea. I think I understand why now that I am older and wiser. All the doubts and fears aside, I already talked about that in a previous part. There was another side of me that withdrew from Dylan somewhat. This side is the side that would have loved Dylan if I hadn't locked it away forever never to be seen except for a few glimpses now and then of it in my dreams. I guess you could say that as long as I am aware that he isn't married that very thin thread will continue to hold on. That prospect of [what if] will always keep that part of me that could have loved him alive as long as I'm consciously aware of these things.

I don't dream about Dylan very much, but when I do that is the only time when that wall disappears at least somewhat. The wall between me and what could have been my feelings reveals a deep and strong love. I still can't believe that I am admitting that I even have a little bit of this side left to me. My dreams don't lie though and I know I'm not imagining it. Usually when I dream about someone I don't interact with them closely a lot, but for me and Dylan we are always actually doing stuff together. I have always felt really intrigued by this part of my dreams because that is something that is unique to him. My love for Dylan under the right circumstances could have gotten even stronger than the feelings I had for Darik I think. Dylan is pretty close to my ideal kind of guy I want to be with forever and I think this is the primary reason why I never felt good about allowing myself to love him without restraint. It would have been really difficult if I had let my feelings grow and become more. I simply don't have the kind of restraint with Dylan that I have with Darik. Darik to me was always solidly off the market to me. While I've always believed that they both deserved someone better than me my heart has a tendency to be a little more forceful and territorial with Dylan.

I used to have these insane bouts of jealousy that would get so bad when I was a teenager. I hated sharing Dylan with other girls and that was the 3rd thing that made me want to forcefully detach my heart from him. I'm glad that the fact that I care about him a lot overcame the big green monster that was inside of me.

I sometimes get a little frustrated with my dreams because for a small few hours to a day the door to my heart opens when I dream about him. It's nothing like my feelings for Darik were, but it's enough to make me feel conflicted sometimes. I think of my dreams and my conscious self that is awake as two warring sides sometimes. My dreams clearly contradict what I think when I am awake. I'll never let my sub conscious feelings that hang by a thread overcome my need to not fall for him though. I don't think I'd end up very happy if I let myself go full force like I did with Darik. I don't think my heart would have as easy of a time letting go and morphing into a good position like they did with Darik.

I am thankful for whatever sub conscious wisdom I had in Junior High that I am now aware of. God works in mysterious ways and I believe that I dodged a bullet here.

Anyway, I'll talk more about these two later. :)

Darik & Dylan (Part 3)

I said that I'd write about them more a couple days ago on their birthday. I was planning on doing it on their birthday, but this is okay I guess.

I was thinking of the time when I was 11, just a few months after I met them when they invited me to their 12th birthday party. I remember it was Darik who gave me the invitation, I was so happy. They had it at Classic Skating, a local place where you can rent or bring your own skates or roller blades and just skate as much as you want. I think that that was the night when my shell started to officially crack. I was so shy back then towards them that I could hardly ever say hi most of the time. Sometimes Darik would say hi and all I could do was panic and just look at him. I remember that evening at the party I got to skate with Dylan, but didn't really have the guts to skate with Darik. I didn't really ask Dylan, he just kind of figured it out himself I guess. That was a really good night. I don't think they have had any big birthday parties since then, though they might have I don't know. If they have I don't really care that I wasn't a part of it. I learned not to take things like that personally.

We have never been super close, and I can't really say I've ever hung out with either of them outside of school or church sadly. I guess that is how it is with most guys around here though. I would have liked to have some time with them outside school and church, but they have so many friends I never really felt like I had any right to ask of such a thing. I'm pretty sure it is too late now and I'm okay with that. I don't recall if I ever said anything before, but throught junior high I had classes with Dylan and had more time to be around him than Darik. After the 6th grade I never had any time with Darik unless it was at lunch. I think I payed more attention to Darik more and watched him more though. My attention has always been a little more gravitated towards him than to Dylan I'll admit. I suppose this is because he was there in one of the craziest and scariest times of my life. I just feel really comfortable around him, I love when he is around. I doubt there is a person I know on this planet that I trust more than him and feel more comfortable around. I'm not even kidding or getting ahead of myself when I say that, I really mean it.

Anyway, so even though I had more interaction with Dylan, I gravitated towards Darik more in the end. I guess some things are just unpredictable like that. I used to be really stubborn about admiting how much I liked Darik though. I think the reason I had so much trouble admiting I was and am so fond of him back then was because of my lack of time to interact with him. I guess I didn't want to get my heart too into it, but I gave in in the end. I still stand by what I said about my feelings in part 1. The more I learn about feelings and love the more I know it has always been true. I don't think I could have so gracefully and easily let him go if it wasn't solid and true. That much I know for sure.

Anyway, so here we are years later after meeting each other and we are still great friends. I don't think I've ever kept a friend longer than I've had them as friends. It's nice to have a friendship I can feel safe and solid about.

Anyway, I guess that's enough for now...

Darik & Dylan (Part 1)

I used to have a segment on my blog a lot time ago devoted to just these two. Sadly that segment was full of negativity and regret so I ended it and never looked back. I read those entries a few days ago and they made me sick to my stomach. I'd forgotten how much confusion was involved in my relationship with these two. I'm glad I decided to just leave the past in the past and just move on. As many regrets and confused feelings I've had for these two they still remain two of my favorite people on the planet. I am still amazed at how much tolerance they have had for me, especially Darik who has always been the one I express the most stuff to. I've never been able to keep a friend longer than I've had these two as friends. I think I can safely say that we will be friends for life and that isn't something I can say easily.

I will talk about Dylan later, but for today I just want to say a few things that have been on my mind about Darik. 

I probably loved Darik for half of my life, I was just in major denial about it for ages. I almost loved Dylan, but I never quite reached that point. They are twins, but my feelings and opinions of each of them is unique and so is my relationship. Sometimes I get a bit annoyed with myself for always favoring Darik but I think my heart is just built in a way that makes me want to lean in his direction unwaveringly. Now that he is married I am super happy for him, one of the things I always wanted the most was for him to find someone he can truly love and he found that in Cara. While it is true I loved Darik for a long time I never really wanted to be with him. I always knew that somewhere out there there was a girl that was better for him and I was right about that.

Also, I'm happier just being friends, our relationship, though it has had it's rocky spots isn't anything I'd want to lose. I never told him how I felt because I didn't want to make things awkward between us and lose that comfort I feel with him. There were a few times when I felt like I love you would burst out of my mouth, but I always held it in because I knew it was the right thing to do. If by some chance he finds this post and reads it I'll be fine. Writing the words down isn't something I want to fear, it's just saying stuff out loud that makes me feel weird. My blog is the one place I want to be able to be honest about things. I still can't believe I fought my feelings for him for a good 9 years or so, I should have just let everything flow naturally. I think I created more pressure and stress for myself than I needed to. I also always felt guilty for having feelings for him, I used to beat myself up about it all the time and felt like I was doing something wrong. I didn't want to get in his way and I felt like if I ever told him how I felt he would get annoyed and kick me out of his life. I've always had feelings for Darik, but for the first 2 and a half years we knew each other it was just a crush.

I guess you can say that I shamelessly switched between him and Dylan a few times and eventually I felt like I was playing with his heart, this is around the time I actually started loving him (The middle of the 8th grade). I decided to never express my feelings to him again because I didn't want to hurt him or play around with his head or heart. I've always known we wouldn't end up together, so I knew this was the right thing to do for the most part. I know now I had no reason to feel guilty for loving him or having any sort of feelings for him, but it used to really torture me. I have no idea how I managed to convince myself that having feelings for him was wrong, but I did and I regret letting myself do that because it turned out alright once I let go and let things just be. I spent the better part of our relationship trying to push away and suppress my feelings for him or get rid of them entirely but I could never do it. I had little moments of giving in, but my guilt always got to me and I got stubborn again. I really struggled with not being able to say anything sometimes even though I knew we weren't meant for each other. I guess it's just a natural instinct we have, to want to express ourselves.

I promise I'll explain Dylan's side of this story later. 

I was 21 when I started fully accepting my feelings for him, but it took me an additional 2 and a half years to completely relax aout it. Now things are different now that he is married, I guess you can say that the power of the feelings is still there, but because I know the door is shut permanently it has changed. I expect I'll always love him in a way, but not in a way that interferes at all. My feelings are pure and I'll do my best to keep them that way. I care about his happiness more than I can say and I'd never do anything to make him unhappy consciously. I am glad he found someone to love, someone aas amazing as him should never be single. I'm glad I got my wish and he found his soul mate and they are very happy now. I think Cara is a wonderful person and I am glad they ended up together. I don't know that much about her yet, but to me she seems like someone I could become good friends with and that is saying a lot because there aren't very many people I feel that way towards.

Anyway, there is no need to say everything in one post, I'll just end here and continue later.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 4) [END]

I've always had so many pent up feelings for Darik. I used to be really stubborn when it came to liking him. I usually would never admit that I liked him, even to myself. After years of doing that all the stuff I feel for him, the stuff I was trying to repress got so tangled and messed up that when it finally all came out at me I got really confused and went haywire. It still stresses me out when I try to make sense out of everything I feel and organize it all, just not as bad now. I have made a commitment now to not bring this problem with me when we talk or if we see each other again. I told him I would drop it all and just go off a clean slate and not bring any of that frustration and stuff to him. It was really starting to put a strain on our friendship. Darik and Dylan have always been very patient with me and that is something I have always loved about them. Darik and I worked out the basics on the first and 2nd day of school. I told him that I would try and be myself and not worry about everything anymore if he would give me another chance. Once again he replied and said that we will always be friends and that will and has never changed. After all the drama he has had to put up with me in the past, these words never cease to surprise me. He really has a good heart. So, the foundation is there, I just have to make sure I don't mess it up again.
I still try to untangle the mess of my feelings for Darik sometimes, but I do it alone, when i"m not around anyone else. I get kind of stressed when I try to do it, and kind of burnt out, but I always stop if it becomes too much. I'm not kidding when I say everything is tangled in an incomprehensible mess. I know I'll eventually figure this out, even if it takes me more time than I want it to.
I made a commitment at the end of the last school semester when they graduated that I would just let go and leave them alone. I really felt like I couldn't do anything right, or say anything right either, so I just decided to let go and move on. Things did not go as planned however, it was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. You also have to understand that they are both implanted so far and so deep into my subconscious that whenever I try to do stuff like this my subconscious rebels, in a big way too. If you have seen the posts about my dreams you know that I have a LOT of dreams about Darik, and Dylan as well, but not nearly as much as I have about Darik. When I dream about someone I have trouble not thinking about them for a little while afterward and that can sometimes create this cycle that is hard to break. I think about the person, and then I end up dreaming about them more.  I had this problem with my best friend Eric after he got married, my mind just did not want to let go of him. Well my problem with Darik is at least 10 times worse than this. I dream about him and it's like when I wake up my feelings for him are like 10 fold what they are usually and I can't get him off my mind and so the cycle just keeps going whether or not I want it to. My feelings calm down after a while, but the effect of the dreams usually lasts for a few hours after I wake up. So with this info you can probably understand why I had trouble letting go.
I was fine for a few weeks, but there was the matter of all my unresolved feelings for the both of them. Well, actually mostly Darik, I can ignore  my little problems with Dylan easy, they are nothing. I cracked at least 3 times and texted and messaged Darik. I felt to guilty for what a moron I had been though that every time I cracked it just made me feel worse. Sure, it made me feel better for a day or so but then I started doubting if I should have said what I said every time. I was so sure that Darik hated me by the end of the summer, I was shattered into a million pieces, or at least that is how I felt. The weight of still having a lot on my mind, the pressure of trying to untangle everything, and the pain of a lot of regret was just weighing me down. I was so stubborn, I did not want to let anything go, I wanted to solve it all. I am the kind of person that likes to resolve my feelings about stuff and solve my problems, all of them if I can. A lot of you know that I have a lot of regrets in my friendship with them, and the pressure of these regrets was killing me inside. I have trouble letting go of stuff like that. I am the kind of person that likes to solve EVERYTHING as I said before, even my feelings of regret for most things if I can.
In the end I ended up having to admit to myself that I just needed to let everything go, whether or not it was unresolved. I knew that if I was going to be a good friend I would have to get the hang of this. I knew I could do it and that is when I asked him for another chance and he said we were still friends. I am not expecting anything that big to happen, or for us to magically start talking a lot, I know that would be unrealistic. I do feel a lot better anyway, just because I am at least trying to let go of everything when I talk to him or if I see him. I don't feel bad about thinking about all that as long as I keep it to myself and work it out in private and don't bring him into it. I feel like a better friend now. I feel a lot better in general and not as... broken, I guess you could say.
You are probably wondering why I never talk about Dylan. That one is simple, there is just nothing I need to talk about. I am really quite satisfied with how things turned out with Dylan. I have no regrets, I did everything I could do and even though I probably could have been a lot more out going, I at least had a decent amount of time around Dylan when I was in school when I was younger. I really did like Dylan a lot, and I was able to organize my feelings and my thoughts a lot better and resolve almost all the inner problems I had a long time ago. It was kind of hard letting go, but I did it early enough that it didn't cause me too much trouble.  Sometimes I wish I hadn't made myself more distant on purpose, but it was necessary. I used to focus on Dylan a lot more, so I was able to keep myself organized and not let everything get tangled up and stuff. I never ignored my feelings for Dylan, I just carefully resolved them. It took me a few years after I decided I was going to let go of him, but I managed it just fine. He has a girlfriend now, an extremely awesome one too. I have always liked Jennifer a lot, she is really cool. I'm really glad I didn't let my problems with Darik effect my friendship with Dylan. I could have really screwed things up with Dylan if I hadn't been really careful. I came close to dragging him into it, but caught myself before I could do anything. I don't think he noticed the distance I kept from him, I was doing this on purpose. I didn't want to upset the balance. I made a wise decision.
Anyway, I guess this is all for now.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 3)

First off, here is the link to last night's post. HERE
Sometimes I’m scared for Darik. I just want him to end u with the right person. I care about him a lot as you know. He hangs out with a lot of people, he has a ton of friends of both genders. Sometimes I am worried that he will get too used to hanging out with lots of girls and he won’t be able to commit. I mean, I think he will, he is an amazing guy, but he worries me sometimes when he hangs out with a lot of girls. i’m just scared that he will fail to notice the girl that is right for him. Sometimes when people are around a lot of people and have a rich social life they forget to look at what is important. I don’t know what he is going to do, i’m not really sure how he thinks when he is around other people, but I just hope he finds his girl soon. I would seriously love to be that person, but I know I can’t, I’m not exactly his type. If I was, and if I was able to I would be his girl in a heartbeat though. I just want what is best for him, he is a really amazing guy and he is good at so many things and his personality is amazing. He shouldn’t settle for anything less than he deserves.

As for his brother Dylan, I’m not as worried about Dylan as I am about Darik. Dylan has Jennifer, I have known Jennifer for a long time, haven’t talked to her much, but I know her well enough that I know she will take good care of Dylan, and even Darik. They are super close, and she is a really awesome person, so I am not worried about Dylan at least. I’m not sure if Darik is close to anyone, like Dylan is close to Jennifer (I actually think they are together, but not sure right now).

I really want them to just get what they deserve. They deserve girls that are talented, smart, sweet, honest, dress nice, act nice, are LDS, faithful, pretty, and dedicated.  Having to stay on the sidelines isn’t exactly easy for me. There are so many times I have wanted to interfere and protect them, but I know I can’t. As much as I love them and want to be in their lives, they have other ideas, and I don’t want to put the pressure on them anymore. I’m not going to be in their world if they don’t really want me there. If it makes them happy I am going to just watch from the sidelines.

I think we would have been closer if I had made better decisions. I look back in my past and I see all the stuff I could have done different. I should have had more courage, I should have stepped up more and talked to them more and hung around them more at school and stuff. I was so nervous and I let my fear and in insecurities get the better of me.  I didn’t work on my social skills enough, and my self esteem and it really effected our friendship. I should have just taken what I had and worked with it instead of just expecting something better to come.  When I was younger my parents never really let me hang out with guys besides my best friend Devin. I just assumed they would let me hang out with Darik and Dylan, I’m was so young and didn’t guess that they wouldn’t let me hang out with them. Hanging out with guys in my religion is considered to be wrong outside an actual relationship, it’s considered to be dangerous. I understand why they upheld that rule now and i’m glad they did honestly. They were just looking out for me.  My mom and dad were good friends with Devin’s family and we grew up together so she let that happen, and it was fine, but other guys were out of the question.  I assumed in the earlier years that I would get to spend some time with them outside of school, so I totally took my time with them for granted and treated it like I had all of it in the world.  If I could do it again I would have more courage, be more out going, be a better friend and talk to them more inside school. A lot of the time I feel like I act like a total moron around them, but i’ll save talking about that for later.  Even if I did it over again and things turned out the same as they have, at least I would have the satisfaction that I tried.

It really is partially my fault we aren’t as close as I wished we could be.  I guess things happen for a reason, but I think it would have been fine either way.  I don’t think my vision problems would have been too much trouble if I had just tried more. I was way to self conscious, and inside myself back then.

I quite honestly hate being away from Darik. I really wish I could be around him and Dylan more. It kills me that I can’t spend more time with them. I really wish I could fix things with us, and actually do what friends do with each other. I feel so gravitated towards both of them and it’s hard to have to hold back. I know my desire is one sided. They have so many other great friends and I really wish now I had made more of an effort ot be one of those exciting, fun, great friends.  I know I have it in me without a doubt.

Somehow I’m sure I’ll deal with this stuff.

Laaaaaaaaaaazy

I fell asleep watching Phineas and Ferb again. I didn’t sleep with any blankets on yesterday, just my pajamas it was so hot inside my room. I slept like the dead, and funny enough I woke up like 2 minutes before my alarm. It reminded me of this Phineas and Ferb episode where phineas wakes up before his alarm and turns around and say something like ‘too slow’ or something funny like that.  

I read the Sailor Moon manga for a while, surfed Xanga, and thought about some stuff for a while. I am planning on doing part 3 of my Twin Dillema segment on my blog. I think it is called a segment, wasn’t sure what else to call it.  I should have that up on Monday. I am actually done writing it, but I don’t feel like submitting it yet. I have been thinking about Darik and Dylan a lot lately and I need to let my thoughts out again.

I spent a lot of the day today watching stuff on Hulu Plus, just the usual stuff like anime and other stuff. I am stilll working on building my house in Minecraft Pocket Edition for iPhone and Android. I am partially done, i worked on that a lot today. I really think they need to improve the lighting in that game, candles really don’t help all that much, not like the real PC version anyway.

I decided to watch Sonic X for a while. My sister and my nieces went to the concert tonight (the one I wrote about yesterday and went to), and both my parents were in the choir singing in the concert so I just chilled out at the house watching TV.  I didn't feel like doing anything tonight besides being lazy.

Nothing besides this to tell.

Cherries

So a while after my last post yesterday night I started going through all my posts and found all the ones that mention Darik and / or Dylan and tagged them all. Most of them already had the "Darik" and "Dylan" tags, but some didn't.  I finished that this morning. I am actually thinking of re-telling my past with those two. I did a really long post that was 2 parts back in 2010 about Darik, but I honestly feel like I need to re-do it because a lot of things have changed.  I'll probably do it soon, not sure though.

Anyway, my breakfast was kind of interesting today. I had this crazy idea of mixing my pancakes, in my ice cream with some maple syrup. It was actually quite delicious.

I bought some Orbit gum last week, I ran out yesterday. I love the tropical flavor that has orange, kiwi and some other stuff. I run out so fast because I love to chew it.

I was watching Twilight Zone today for a while. My sister had gone somewhere, a few places i imagine. She got home some time after I started watching it. She brought home some fruit bars, kind of like Popsicles. She also brought home some really great cherries. I ate some while watching episodes 20 - 25 of The Twilight Zone. It was really hot while I was watching it so I turned the cooler on. I found out today that it's okay for me to turn it on, it's not really that broken anymore.

I actually started playing Tetris while watching after some time. I went into the kitchen and opened a Mango fruit bar and ate it while I watched Twilight Zone after I was done playing Tetris. I nearly broke my Marathon record toady, but not quite.

We suspect a new fire, or a couple new fires started somewhere around here because the sky got really smokey and stuff around the time I was watching The Twilight Zone. It was crazy, you could see little bits of ash in the air and the mountains were almost invisible. it dissipated after a few hours mostly.

I watched Star Trek First Contact with my sister tonight. I was actually playing a new game that came to the  Apple store at the same time. Some of you might be familiar with a game called "Where's My Water". The game I was playing is basically the same thing, only it is Phineas and Ferb themed. The game is centered around Perry the Platypus.  I love the game so much already, I'm so hooked.

Natalie and Kayla built a blanket fort sometime after this. It wasn't anything big because it was in the living room, but it was cute. They were sooooo hyper tonight. Especially while we were eating tuna sandwiches for dinner.

Anyway, i don't think anything else is going to happen tonight so I'll end here.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 2)

I sent Darik a text message a few minutes ago, it turned out to be much more than I originally planned. I have really been bugged by how things ended with us 2 months ago. I really wanted to say something to him very badly. I must have written and re-written the text I sent him about 20 times, each with different things I could say. I finally realized that no words i could possibly say would make me feel better unless if they were "I love you". These are the only words i have left for him, for both him and Dylan. I don't feel like i can say anything else now other than what I said in that text. 
"I really want to say something to you but I don't wan to bug you. So the only thing I am going to say is I love you, because all other words are futile now. Take it any way you want I don't care. These are the only words I have left. And don't you dare laugh because I'm crying. "
So many emotions went through my fingers and through my whole body while I was typing this, and during the 20 or so seconds before i actually sent it. I was happy, sad, frustrated, excited, confused, clear, so many different things in that one moment in time. I lost it completely and put every single emotion I could summon up into that text. I just hope he reads it. 
Two months ago it ended completely awkward. I have always had problems with keeping our friendship balanced. I have had to go through tons of insecurities, and psychological phenomenon the whole time I have know both of them. Every time I try to tell them how I feel it always goes wrong in some way. Maybe i tried to hard, or explained myself wrong. I think I was also a little too dramatic, actually I know i had a tendency for being really dramatic. My feelings for these two have always been super strong though. I always got ahead of myself, but at least my heart was always in the right place, even if I didn't communicate it properly sometimes. 
I tried to make things better by trying to give up on our friendship for their benefit. I thought it was the wise thing to do. I was so sure that i was only getting in the way and that i had n real purpose in their life. i was ready to but out for good and leave them alone. I ended up texting both of them and they ended up talking me out of it for a while.  i never really felt quite settled though. i really didn't feel like I deserved to be their friend, like I was any good. Them talking me out of it made me feel kind of happy, but I was more confused than anything to be honest. I didn't want to pursue it any more though. I just kind of gave up on the notion of giving up cold turkey because i figured it was a good idea to at least give them a few more weeks.
At the end I ended up talking myself into thinking of them as the bad guys, I was so stupid. i convinced myself that if I kept on talking to them i would just end up getting hurt. i convinced myself that they were what was wrong. I sent them a message on Facebook telling them i wanted to stay away from them, and that being around them was only hurting me. I was so dumb to do this. I made sure to write it so it looked like I thought i was also partially to blame. I know that this is the truth, even though internally I was trying to deny this was true. I'm glad i didn't put the blame on them in writing. I at least did the decent thing in writing and told them how i felt in at least a semi- right way. i still regret that though. I could have done everything in a much better way if only I had just been patient.
Instead of trying to get things back to the way they were after telling him how sorry I was for all the drama I had caused trying to protect myself I just backed off and told him and Dylan that I cared about them a lot and just left it at that. I told them i was just going to let go. At least I ended it semi-good.
I have been feeling guilty in varying degrees over the past two months. I really have a lot of regrets, and I know I have to deal wit them myself and come to terms with them. I know how that expressing these feelings isn't exactly the best thing to do with Darik and Dylan which is why I am doing this on my blog instead. I don't want to shove these feelings onto them anymore, and I know they don't want to deal with the drama anymore. Darik has been so patient, he has had to deal with most of it. He has been so good to me the past few years. He could have gotten angry, or frustrated, or irritated, but he never showed anything like that. This is one of the reasons why I care about him so much. 
Anyway, I still have a lot I want to express on this subject, but for now I'll just leave it like this. 
I'll do my regular entry later.
EDIT: if you wan to understand my past with Darik you can read this entry from way back in 2010. >>> Here
FYI: I am going to be doing a new version of my past with Darik and Dylan soon. I really need to because a lot has changed.

Normal Sunday Feeling Lazy

 

Today was a pretty normal Sunday. I got up at my first alarm, checked Xanga, then just lied there after I turned my alarm off and slowly went back to sleep. i was feeling to lazy to get out of bed. Sundays are the most relaxing day of the week for me, I never seem to want to get up. I remember having a dream about some weird tree house in the sky, and old people lived in it and i would go up there and visit them from time to time. It was really bizarre. I remember Darik and Dylan were in my dreams again, i don't remember what that dream was about though.

i got up at 11:45, ate some cheerios for breakfast, got dressed for church and found a ride. I asked my friend Michelle because Marcie couldn't come today. I surfed Xanga, and just thought about life before she came.

She pulled up in this old truck, i guess the air conditioning was busted because she just had the windows rolled down. We talked about our week and what we had been doing, and about the kind of music we liked. When we got to church just the usual happened. First hour was Relief Society, I read the scriptures the whole time. Second hour was about somewhere in the beginning of the book of Alma in the Book of Mormon, somewhere not to far from where i was reading.  Third hour was sacrament meeting. I just did more reading and listened to the talks and stuff.

On the way back home from church Michelle and I talked about our pets that we have and that we have had in the past. It was a pretty fun conversation. I think I could make a really great post about my pets sometime.

We noticed how the sky was covered in these white clouds, they weren't rain clouds, just white innocent looking clouds. The clouds to the East were covered with a thin layer of smoke that made them look kind of orange, brownish. It look pretty interesting.  I wish I had taken a picture. if they are like that tomorrow I will.

When i got home i went downstairs, took my Sunday stuff off and checked facebook. I watched Phineas and Ferb for a while, and then surfed through a whole bunch of random web pages because i was bored.

My dad made chicken Broccoli casserole tonight. It wasn't done until after ward prayer though. Ward prayer was at my friend jordin's house tonight. We had a thought, and our bishop talked for a bit, then we said a prayer and ate some brownies. They were really great brownies. I wish I had taken a picture of those too.

After i got home I just did some other random stuff on my computer, surfed Xanga, played a bit of Minecraft (I try not to too much on this computer because I'm afraid to hurt my laptop), and watched some Twilight Zone (the old version).  Now here I am now. I don't think anything else is going to happen tonight so I'll just end here. I hope more exciting stuff will happen this week. :)

You can probably tell I'm feeling a bit lazy tonight. Check out my post from yesterday if you haven't already seen it. I hope you like the picture I used today.

I'll be less lazy tomorrow.

 

 

 

The Twin Dilemma (part 1)

So it's been over a month and a half since I have seen Darik and Dylan. I made a commitment to just let go and not talk to them anymore. I kind of broke that commitment on Wednesday and wrote on Darik's Facebook wall. I know that probably wasn't a good idea. These two are extremely hard to let go of. My sub conscious seems to not want to let go. I dream about Darik and Dylan quite often, this has been the case for years. Even when I don't want to, even if I never think about the or see them my sub conscious never wants to let go and stop dreaming about them.

Sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't. I am hoping that now I am pretty sure I will never see them again that my sub conscious will get a clue and let go of them once and for all.

I have a strange feeling like it is going to be super hard because the way it ended with us was SUPER awkward. It wasn't great at all. Every time I try and tell them how I feel about something it always. Seems to backfire. I just wish they could understand me better. I know it is too late now and I really need to be serious about really letting go for good but it is just really unsettling me that it ended so bad.

Anyway I will give more details later in the second part. There is no way I can put all my feelings on this subject in one entry, or even a couple. I am just going to let my feelings out a little bit at a time. I am hoping that If write it down here that I will be able to be more at peace eventually.

This is all for now.
By the way this is my first post using Xanga mobile
PART 2
PART 3

Guess who's baaack? FAST FORWARD!

So instead of painstakingly going all the way back to August of last year and trying to insert all the blog entries I have missed, instead of writing individual blog posts for each day I have missed and trying to pretend like they were always there I am just going to summarize everything that has happened in the last year since last August when I started being slow about blogging. Here we go.

 

August: I introduced my first baby picture to facebook, cleared up things with Dylan (I was just being dramatic), I wrote a poem called "You Are" which I will show later, I came up with my motto "I float, I fly, but I never touch the ground. I started walking more, I started taking a serious interest in empathy and my empathic abilities, had my mom's and my nieces Birthday, went to Los Harmonos for my nieces birthday, went to the eye doctor (I am still legally blind). I started watching the Twilight zone, I discovered Minecraft, but didn't start playing yet, I went to a back to school church BBQ, I started doing heavy edits on some of my pictures for fun, went to Lagoon (amusement park) with my ward for a church activity, and became really active in Yahoo Answers and Tetris.

 

September: Got into brain exercise sites like Lumosity and others reached my half way point in weight loss, got a haircut, started reading the Glass Mask manga, continued playing Tetris (that never really wore off remember that). I started walking to the store alone, I joined the Hard Drop Tetris community, got interested in doing T-spins in tetris, did some sunset photography, played a giant game of twister with my church mates, I started using this blog, started using Instagram seriously, listened to my first football game all the way through, it was a really great game. saw Darik and Dylan for the first time in 4 months, got into mines and living statues, got into Masterpiece theater anime, got accepted to uVU, became more conscious about my health and stopped drinking pop, did a whole bunch of tests that helped me figure out what I wanted to do, started playing Minecraft, and had my sister's birthday.

 

October: I dressed up as a golden queen for Halloween, I gained a few pounds from candy back, I seriously started playing Minecraft, I bought Minecraft, started exerimenting with night time themed nails, started making custom My little Ponies for fun, got into My Little Pony Friendship is Magic in general, lost my liking for all Zynga games after I started playing Minecraft, decided i did not want long hair anymore, nearly destroyed my other creations in Minecraft when I was just trying to destroy one of them with TNT blocks.  LDS general Conference, I got over a little case of depression and finally decided I wanted to go into Psychology instead of English, my motivation and happiness went up this month in general. I also kicked some bad habits.

 

November: I renewed my subscription to Pandora One, my dad started seriously making bread, a new Tetris app came to the app store, I made my first reading list, celebrated Thanksgiving, started seriously thinking about using my white cane, had my first facebook profile picture that was me as a baby.

 

December: The power went out for a little bit on the first, cut my hair and regretted it, played my first 100 games in a row on Tetris Friends and won exactly 25 of them, also had one of the luckiest games I have ever played. We started remodeling, tore out all 3 bathrooms and re-did all of them, made an extra room downstairs, painted, did new carpeting, got rid of our ugly brick wall downstairs, got rid of the creaks in the floor, got a new storm door, celebrated Christmas with the family and new, years, everyone caught the flu after Christmas except for me, i only for a minor cold and was lucky. Saw Sam and started to think about letting go of him, switched to the new timeline design on facebook, went to a ward, church Christmas party and brought home lots of candy and stuff. Bought muppet Christmas Carol off of iTunes, finished remodeling the house (upstairs only) Got a new bed set, and moved everything back into my room again. We didn't get the Christmas decorations up until the day before Christmas because of the remodeling.

 

January: New Year, Dyed my hair again, did some family pictures with everyone, finished carpeting and everything else downstairs (I remember that we finished this month, not last month). My room was finished last month though, also the upstairs obviously.  Started my first semester of college in almost 4 years, took Student Success, choir, psychology, and 2 institute classes (teachings of the Living Prophets and Dating and Courtship), got a new laptop, got my textbooks, did a brain drawing in psychology, worked in a group successfully in psychology for the first time, got off to a really great start in school. I found my favorite study spot in the library, started going to Jamba Juice regularly on Mondays at school. Started eating at school for lunch, went shopping, lived off of 94 dollars this month it was crazy after all the shopping I did. Had my first conversation with a complete stranger over lunch. When i was crossing a street my phone fell out of my pocket, when i realized it was gone I retraced my steps and found it without a scratch on it. It was a busy street.  Got used to reading Textbooks, and memorized the university campus.

 

February: Got into a show Called "Merlin", pondered how silly Groundhog day really is, finally officially lost interest in Sam, started looking up 5K plans for running, kicked my habit of not drinking enough water, started using the Calorie Count website, went to Cold Stone Creamery and got some Mint Ice cream. Celebrated both my brother's birhdays,  nothing much happened on Valentine's Day except for FHE (family Home Evening) we made valentines, I didn't really make anything that great, I just fooled around mostly and listened to people talk, I think I remember going to the store that day and getting chocolate for fun. I listened to Nightwish's new album for the first time and got hooked on it for a few weeks,  I found out my intense love for stars is called "Astrophillia". Finally got my feelings for Dylan back, I had been numb for a long time after I lost my best friends.  I bought all of Jane Austen's books, joined Pinterest, my ward did a murder mystery night it was fun, and I went back and watched some old Sesame Street videos I liked and thought about the past. I also did some poetry this month but I will post that later. School was doing great this month.

 

March: Got out my old Marble collection and set it out in the open in my room again, bought some Miyazaki films like Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind,  and the Cat Returns. Had spring break it was kind of borig being out of school.  Started reading the bible but slacked off half way through the month, started looking for 90's cartoons I hadn't seen in years, went to Costco a few times, did not wear green on St. Patricks day due to not having anything green, made a magical girl anime list for some of my friends, bought a digital psychology textbook to help me with memorizing, also bought a 1 year subscription to MyPsychLab. Started eating Sixlets again after a long time, made home made pizza with some friends, I think general conference happened at the end of this month too. I was a little nervous at this time because finals were close in a few weeks.

 

April: Got my own Netflix account, realized how many times i got to text someone but end up not saying anything a lot of the time, started to get a little sad about school ending soon, finished my last homework assignments, did my psychology final, and gave my final presentation in Student Success, did a choir concert, signed up for fall semester classes, got straight A's in all my classes, was a little nervous about the final for psychology at the beginning of the month but it turned out perfect. I finished my psychology final a week earlier than everyone else it was open book and online. Joined Khan Academy, told everyone about my former phobia towards mirrors, finally learned how to take screenshots with my phone. i had never really bothered to learn before. Started jogging / walking a little, but kind of slacked off a little.  Said goodbye to Darik and Dylan for good, it ended really awkwardly which is sad but there is nothing I can do about it now. I'll probably never see them again and even though i do have regrets I will have to deal with it. I learned that expressing myself to them isn't a good idea because they just don't get it. We celebrated Easter and I rally aggravated a few of my teeth with all the candy and nuts. I started using xylitol toothpaste and mouthwash to help my teeth more, before I had been using floride toothpaste and stuff.  Realized that staying inside or inside my room makes me a little crazy and irritable so now I have stopped staying in my room 24/7. one of my friends brought me cupcakes, did a hobo dinner with some friends for an FHE activity one evening it was awesome. We roasted a whole bunch of stuff over a fire and made banana boats as well, we chilled our drinks in the nearby river it was cool. My grades became final, got straight A's for sure.

 

May: Started reading the book of Mormon seriously, went to my brother's graduation, mentioned how I am glad I only have to be out of school for a 3rd of the year, minecraft came to Xbox 360 I do not own an xbox though. I took picture of m goalball trophies and uploaded them to facebook to share with everyone, joined soundcloud, went to seven Peaks a few times, bought a season pass to Seven Peaks,  went to Trafalga with a few of my friends for an FHE activity, went to a party at my friends and swam in her Venice themed swimming pool, also made smoores, and watched a movie as well. went to the Rec Center nearby once,  got my nieces into Phineas and Ferb,  watched Redwall again.  had to cut more branches off our apple tree, found out our next door neighbors are moving.  Got a new wall clock.

 

June (so far): Went shopping for some new clothes, just new shirts. Got a new chair for my room, my family got a new fridge yesterday, I reached episode 85 in Xena, all caught up in Phineas and Ferb again, Made it to Mosiah in the book of Mormon,  Started attending the Temple Prep class in church,  went to Seven Peaks, became really active on Instagram again, roses have bloomed and I took pictures. I went to this place yesterday called the Pizza Pie Cafe and ate pizza, pasta, salad and breadsticks like there was no tomorrow. I also went to a movie (Mirror Mirror) it was fabulous. I had thurch this week, and got all the way to Alma in the Book of Mormon, i reached season 6 in the Xena series, been spending time with my nieces, became really active on Experience Project until someone with a gross picture started following me. I got turned off after that and left. Decided to go back to Xanga, and this is where I am now!

 

I think I am all caught up now. if i forgot anything I will come back and edit this.  Now I can start blogging normally again. :)

 

by the way if you have a blogger also I am also going to be updating that one as well.  (eternalstarryskies)

Fast forward

So instead of painstakingly going all the way back to August of last year and trying to insert all the blog entries I have missed, instead of writing individual blog posts for each day I have missed and trying to pretend like they were always there I am just going to summarize everything that has happened in the last year since last August when I started being slow about blogging. Here we go.

August: I introduced my first baby picture to facebook, cleared up things with Dylan (I was just being dramatic), I wrote a poem called "You Are" which I will show later, I came up with my motto "I float, I fly, but I never touch the ground. I started walking more, I started taking a serious interest in empathy and my empathic abilities, had my mom's and my nieces Birthday, went to Los Harmonos for my nieces birthday, went to the eye doctor (I am still legally blind). I started watching the Twilight zone, I discovered Minecraft, but didn't start playing yet, I went to a back to school church BBQ, I started doing heavy edits on some of my pictures for fun, went to Lagoon (amusement park) with my ward for a church activity, and became really active in Yahoo Answers and Tetris.

September: Got into brain exercise sites like Lumosity and others reached my half way point in weight loss, got a haircut, started reading the Glass Mask manga, continued playing Tetris (that never really wore off remember that). I started walking to the store alone, I joined the Hard Drop Tetris community, got interested in doing T-spins in tetris, did some sunset photography, played a giant game of twister with my church mates, I started using this blog, started using Instagram seriously, listened to my first football game all the way through, it was a really great game. saw Darik and Dylan for the first time in 4 months, got into mines and living statues, got into Masterpiece theater anime, got accepted to uVU, became more conscious about my health and stopped drinking pop, did a whole bunch of tests that helped me figure out what I wanted to do, started playing Minecraft, and had my sister's birthday.

October: I dressed up as a golden queen for Halloween, I gained a few pounds from candy back, I seriously started playing Minecraft, I bought Minecraft, started exerimenting with night time themed nails, started making custom My little Ponies for fun, got into My Little Pony Friendship is Magic in general, lost my liking for all Zynga games after I started playing Minecraft, decided i did not want long hair anymore, nearly destroyed my other creations in Minecraft when I was just trying to destroy one of them with TNT blocks.  LDS general Conference, I got over a little case of depression and finally decided I wanted to go into Psychology instead of English, my motivation and happiness went up this month in general. I also kicked some bad habits.

November: I renewed my subscription to Pandora One, my dad started seriously making bread, a new Tetris app came to the app store, I made my first reading list, celebrated Thanksgiving, started seriously thinking about using my white cane, had my first facebook profile picture that was me as a baby.

December: The power went out for a little bit on the first, cut my hair and regretted it, played my first 100 games in a row on Tetris Friends and won exactly 25 of them, also had one of the luckiest games I have ever played. We started remodeling, tore out all 3 bathrooms and re-did all of them, made an extra room downstairs, painted, did new carpeting, got rid of our ugly brick wall downstairs, got rid of the creaks in the floor, got a new storm door, celebrated Christmas with the family and new, years, everyone caught the flu after Christmas except for me, i only for a minor cold and was lucky. Saw Sam and started to think about letting go of him, switched to the new timeline design on facebook, went to a ward, church Christmas party and brought home lots of candy and stuff. Bought muppet Christmas Carol off of iTunes, finished remodeling the house (upstairs only) Got a new bed set, and moved everything back into my room again. We didn't get the Christmas decorations up until the day before Christmas because of the remodeling.

January: New Year, Dyed my hair again, did some family pictures with everyone, finished carpeting and everything else downstairs (I remember that we finished this month, not last month). My room was finished last month though, also the upstairs obviously.  Started my first semester of college in almost 4 years, took Student Success, choir, psychology, and 2 institute classes (teachings of the Living Prophets and Dating and Courtship), got a new laptop, got my textbooks, did a brain drawing in psychology, worked in a group successfully in psychology for the first time, got off to a really great start in school. I found my favorite study spot in the library, started going to Jamba Juice regularly on Mondays at school. Started eating at school for lunch, went shopping, lived off of 94 dollars this month it was crazy after all the shopping I did. Had my first conversation with a complete stranger over lunch. When i was crossing a street my phone fell out of my pocket, when i realized it was gone I retraced my steps and found it without a scratch on it. It was a busy street.  Got used to reading Textbooks, and memorized the university campus.

February: Got into a show Called "Merlin", pondered how silly Groundhog day really is, finally officially lost interest in Sam, started looking up 5K plans for running, kicked my habit of not drinking enough water, started using the Calorie Count website, went to Cold Stone Creamery and got some Mint Ice cream. Celebrated both my brother's birhdays,  nothing much happened on Valentine's Day except for FHE (family Home Evening) we made valentines, I didn't really make anything that great, I just fooled around mostly and listened to people talk, I think I remember going to the store that day and getting chocolate for fun. I listened to Nightwish's new album for the first time and got hooked on it for a few weeks,  I found out my intense love for stars is called "Astrophillia". Finally got my feelings for Dylan back, I had been numb for a long time after I lost my best friends.  I bought all of Jane Austen's books, joined Pinterest, my ward did a murder mystery night it was fun, and I went back and watched some old Sesame Street videos I liked and thought about the past. I also did some poetry this month but I will post that later. School was doing great this month.

March: Got out my old Marble collection and set it out in the open in my room again, bought some Miyazaki films like Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind,  and the Cat Returns. Had spring break it was kind of borig being out of school.  Started reading the bible but slacked off half way through the month, started looking for 90's cartoons I hadn't seen in years, went to Costco a few times, did not wear green on St. Patricks day due to not having anything green, made a magical girl anime list for some of my friends, bought a digital psychology textbook to help me with memorizing, also bought a 1 year subscription to MyPsychLab. Started eating Sixlets again after a long time, made home made pizza with some friends, I think general conference happened at the end of this month too. I was a little nervous at this time because finals were close in a few weeks.

April: Got my own Netflix account, realized how many times i got to text someone but end up not saying anything a lot of the time, started to get a little sad about school ending soon, finished my last homework assignments, did my psychology final, and gave my final presentation in Student Success, did a choir concert, signed up for fall semester classes, got straight A's in all my classes, was a little nervous about the final for psychology at the beginning of the month but it turned out perfect. I finished my psychology final a week earlier than everyone else it was open book and online. Joined Khan Academy, told everyone about my former phobia towards mirrors, finally learned how to take screenshots with my phone. i had never really bothered to learn before. Started jogging / walking a little, but kind of slacked off a little.  Said goodbye to Darik and Dylan for good, it ended really awkwardly which is sad but there is nothing I can do about it now. I'll probably never see them again and even though i do have regrets I will have to deal with it. I learned that expressing myself to them isn't a good idea because they just don't get it. We celebrated Easter and I rally aggravated a few of my teeth with all the candy and nuts. I started using xylitol toothpaste and mouthwash to help my teeth more, before I had been using floride toothpaste and stuff.  Realized that staying inside or inside my room makes me a little crazy and irritable so now I have stopped staying in my room 24/7. one of my friends brought me cupcakes, did a hobo dinner with some friends for an FHE activity one evening it was awesome. We roasted a whole bunch of stuff over a fire and made banana boats as well, we chilled our drinks in the nearby river it was cool. My grades became final, got straight A's for sure.

May: Started reading the book of Mormon seriously, went to my brother's graduation, mentioned how I am glad I only have to be out of school for a 3rd of the year, minecraft came to Xbox 360 I do not own an xbox though. I took picture of m goalball trophies and uploaded them to facebook to share with everyone, joined soundcloud, went to seven Peaks a few times, bought a season pass to Seven Peaks,  went to Trafalga with a few of my friends for an FHE activity, went to a party at my friends and swam in her Venice themed swimming pool, also made smoores, and watched a movie as well. went to the Rec Center nearby once,  got my nieces into Phineas and Ferb,  watched Redwall again.  had to cut more branches off our apple tree, found out our next door neighbors are moving.  Got a new wall clock.

June (so far): Went shopping for some new clothes, just new shirts. Got a new chair for my room, my family got a new fridge yesterday, I reached episode 85 in Xena, all caught up in Phineas and Ferb again, Made it to Mosiah in the book of Mormon,  Started attending the Temple Prep class in church,  went to Seven Peaks, became really active on Instagram again, roses have bloomed and I took pictures.

I think I am all caught up now. if i forgot anything I will come back and edit this.  Now I can start blogging normally again. :)

Chapter 13

Sunday was pretty normal yesterday. I went to church. We talked a lot about the atonement.  Darik and Dylan were there, they are actually only going to be here for the next two weeks. I won't lie, saying goodbye to them is going to be a lot harder than it was when I had to say goodbye in the 11th grade. I honestly was kind of indifferent to it for the most part back then. I love having them around, and I have especially loved being able to be around Darik. I was never really able to be around him much in school way back. I am not sure if I am going to see either of them anymore after they leave. I guess if it's time for us to be separated I can deal with that. They know how I feel about it, I told Darik I was kind of anxious and kind of dreading it. I have some other thoughts on this subject, but I will wait until they actually leave to say more.

 It was cloudy yesterday, and a little bit cold but it wasn't too bad. Things were fairly quiet yesterday. I went to bed kind of late Saturday night so I was pretty tired the whole day. I ended up falling asleep around 9:30pm yesterday evening and slept like a baby.

 I didn't do much yesterday except watch stuff on Netflix, go to church, and comment on some stuff on my school website for an assignment. I am pretty much done with everything for this semester in school. I don't remember if i said anything about it on Saturday.

 Today I had psychology. We started talking about chapter 13 in the book. The 13th chapter is the final chapter, and it is on social psychology. Needless to say I really had fun in sclass today learning about everything in more depth. I have always been interested in social psychology. I actually got to be an active part of today's class and I gave some examples of some things in the book. I gave some personal examples of Cognitive Dissonance (inner conflicts). The teacher really likes my examples I give. I have gotten along with my professor really well the whole semester. I have to say, I am sad that I only have 2 classes left for the semester.  Psychology is one of my favorite subjects, just above Astronomy it takes position as my number one favorite subject.

 Speaking of Astronomy, I am actually going to be taking it next semester in the fall.

 My institute classes were fun today. I don't really remember what we talked about in my Dating and Courtship class, but my teachings of the Living Prophets class talked about President Eyering's talks from general conference a couple of weeks ago.

 After class my dad called me and came to pick me up. i went with im and my mom to the doctor's office to fix my mom's back. She was having trouble with some of her muscles and stuff. I stuck around in the office with her and just listened and watched. I have an interest in stuff like that. If I didn't have such bad vision I would have been a doctor.

 After she was done there we went to this little old fashioned store that was really nearby. I really loved walking through it, they had a lot of stuff in there for such a small store. I ended up getting this mango, orange, banana, apple drink. My mom and dad got some other groceries. We liked the prices there so we went ahead and bought some stuff we needed.

 Anyway, that has been my day so far. If anything else happens I will edit later.

Scrambled Brain

So I managed to finish my textbook chapter for psychology. This week it was over 40 pages long. There is a lot of info in each chapter so it is always hard to absorb it the first time. I really did try to read it, but this time my main focus was not really trying to remember everything that I read, but to just finish it. I didn't rush, or skim though. I am going to read it again, but at my own pace this time. This is what I ended up doing last chapter. I tried to remember everything the first time but ended up having to forget that. I was trying to get the reading assignment done, while trying to keep my concentration going and I was stressed out about memorizing everything.

 I also worked on a little bit of student Success homework. Reading the student success book is a bit easier than reading the psychology book. Actually I have observed that the two classes fit together nicely. I can tell my student success class is going to really help me with my psychology class too. The class is about teaching students how to do better in school after all.

 You can probably guess my brain was really fried by the time I finished reading all that stuff.

 I listened to the State of the Union address given by the president tonight. I really hope he can hold up at least half of what he said if he wins again in this next election. I am willing to give him another chance if he wins. You have to keep in mind that he is still pretty young and I think he just needed a little more experience where running the country is concerned.  I don't really like the Republican candidates. Even though Romney is LDS, he is still himan and he makes mistakes and I just don't like either of the candidates very much.

 Anyway, so today in Student success, they taught us about the UVU commit program, and my teacher taught me how to upload assignments to CANVAS on UV Link. I could not figure it out the night before.

 Choir went well today, I didn't forget my music today like last time.  I am getting better at the songs and I am getting better at my vocal parts.

 Before choir, when I was taking my hour break from classes, when I was walking around I walked past Darik and Dylan. I almost didn't notice that I walked past them, but they noticed me and said hi to me. I was a bit distracted at the time so I didn't really say anything but hi to them. It was nice to see them at school regardless.  I was a bit occupied by the flier I had been given to by a student telling me about the Chinese new Year celebration on Friday. I am planning on going. I think it will be a lot of fun to attend.

 I forgot to mention this yesterday, but yesterday night I got all my files off of my old computer finally and my brother installed the French version of Rosetta Stone on my computer, all 3 levels. I can not wait to start. I think I will probably start this weekend. 

 Anyway, I guess this is all.

Constellations

So about a week ago I made a status on my facebook that basically said that I think Darik and Dylan should have their own constellations. For those of you who are not familiar with this compliment it is probably one of the biggest ones I can give anyone. If there is anything that is painfully obvious about me it is that I love stars a LOT! I love the shape, the ones in the sky, anything that reminds me of stars like sparkles, and other stuff. My nickname that was given to me by some of my best friends is also Starya. I really meant what I said about these two they are amazing and they totally deserved that compliment. To say I want someone in the sky that I love so much is something big.

 I have always wanted to become a constellation, I think that would be awesome. I know it probably won't happen, but who knows. Life sometimes throws surprises at people. I know it's a bit silly, but I can't help it. I have always had my heart in the sky, I love everything about it and always have.

 So today we had a secondary celebration for my dad's birthday which if you remember was yesterday. All of us are usually busy on the other days of the week with school and stuff so we usually end up doing stuff like this on Sundays.  We had taco's for dinner and chocolate cake. It was nice to have everyone over. We watched Merlin, my family was watching the 4th season but I watched with them anyway, even though I'm only on the first right now.

 I finished up the group project I have been working on this weekend. We are doing a group project based on a survey about why people dress the way they do. I am still putting the finishing touches on the results. I will give you more details about this when my group does our presentation either tomorrow or Wednesday.

 Church was pretty good today. I actually got there early. I actually don't really remember what the lessons were about sadly, but I remember that the teachers for some reason had trouble getting people to participate today. That is a pretty rare thing in my ward, people are usually pretty talkative.  I actually commented on something because no one else was, but I can't remember what I said.

 I sat with Darik and Dylan and one of their friends today in church at Sunday school and behind them in Sacrament meeting. I was extremely happy about this and we actually got to talk more than normal before and after class. I told them my crazy phone story from a few days ago and about my laptop, about the remodeling, and about school and some other stuff. I am usually really happy when I get to talk to them. I just decided to try and be a bit more open with them today after the stuff Darik and I talked about last week (I will put that post up later).  I have to admit it took a little courage just to sit by Darik in Sunday school. I have always wanted to do that.

 Anyway, I guess this is all for today. It is pretty late now and I still have a bit more homework to do.

 By the way the snow stayed. I hope it snows more.  am enjoying it.

 

Happy New Year

It doesn't even feel like New Years now. Time is a funny illusion and it plays tricks on our minds sometimes. It's a little weird that it is 2012 now, and it feels weird, but it doesn't feel like it is actually a new year to me. I don't know about anyone else but today felt like it was just a normal day.  Since this is January 1^st I am taking the opportunity to start my blogging fresh again. Last year I had a resolution that I would write something every day. Everyone that knows about my blog probably knows that did not happen as I planned.  I am going to try to do this this year however. I will fill in the blank spaces on my blog eventually, but I don't want to be in a hurry because I tend to get lazy when I do that.

 I have had a minor cold for the past few days. Everyone else in my family caught the flu except for me which I am really glad for. I'm not glad that they caught it, but that I didn't catch it. Most of you are familiar with the common cold, my cold isn't anything special. It's just a little cough, a runny / stuffy nose, and I've slightly lost my voice. It hasn't been that bad at all, I've had a lot worse colds than this so I don't mind it very much. It's better than having the flu anyway. 

 Nothing that exciting happened today, at least from my point of view. My family has been playing games all day and watching movies I think. I have been downstairs most of the time just playing Mario Party 3 and Minecraft on my computer, doing stuff on my phone, and reading. One would probably argue that I should have been playing games with my family, but the thing about that is that I can never really seem to get into it for some reason. A lot of board games are difficult for me because of my bad vision and I tend to get confused when it comes to card games. I don't like to slow people down, it makes it so it's not very fun for me. I am also not the kind of person that likes to sit doing the same thing for a long time unless if it benefits me in some way. If I do play a board game, or a card game I usually bring my phone with me so I can listen to music, or do something on top of it.  Sometimes it is nice to play, but most of the time I would rather be doing something else. I'm not really the kind of person that likes to be around a lot of people for extended amounts of time. I really value my alone time, it is precious to me in a lot of ways.

 I am used to being in my own world, where I can do stuff on my own, when I feel independent I am the happiest.

 Besides the things I have already talked about I just went to church. Usually the first week of the month is where we fast and have a testimony meeting in sacrament meeting but since today was New Years they moved it forward 1 week. So, testimony meeting is next week instead of this week.  Church was normal today, the same as usual except for it's at 1pm now and instead of having Sacrament meeting first, then Sunday school, then Relief Society and priesthood it was reversed. I am not to fond of having church late, but the reversal of the church blocks is kind of nice. This is how we used to have it before we switched church buildings and the Young Single Adults were put into their own stakes and wards.

 I felt kind of bad for going to my Young Single Adult ward today. Even though my cold is not very bad at all I didn't want anyone to catch it. I almost didn't text anyone for a ride, but ended up doing it. I was careful not to cough while in the car and I tried to sound as clear as I could. I have to admit that I did not tell my ride I had a cold. I just blamed it on the dust and stuff we have been kicking up during the remodeling of our house. I did not want to make her nervous. Part of me wishes I had just gone to my home ward. I don't like it when I feel like I have to avoid people it makes me feel unsettled.  I stayed out of class for part of the time, about half of Sunday School I stayed in the foyer of the church. Pardon me if I spelled foyer wrong I do not know how to spell it.  I was coughing a little and clearing my throat because I was trying to keep the stuff out of my throat. I did not want to make noise and I did not want to disturb anyone or distract from anything so I just left until sacrament meeting started. 

 When I was in the foyer, I just listened to peaceful music on my phone and looked at random parts of the scriptures while I was waiting. 

 I was careful not to cough a lot in Sacrament meeting, or make a lot of noise. I was glad when it was over because I really didn't want to be around anyone today.  My ride had to do something else so I got a different ride. I was glad when I got home and could get on my computer.

 I was hoping to see Darik and Dylan today but I found out later that they are in Vegas. I really like seeing them at church, I like seeing them in general, if you haven't already guessed that from my other entries.  Part of me is glad they weren't here today, because I wouldn't have wanted to get them sick on accident.  I don't think that would have happened, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

 I don't have an internet connection on my computer right now so by the time you see this it will probably be a few days past New Years. I am looking forward to a new year of blogging. I really enjoy blogging, even though I get lazy sometimes. I will try to fix that this year though.

 I guess that is all for today.

When Words Fail

So just like I planned I wore red and white to church today to Celebrate the Utes victory yesterday. I slept sooo good yesterday night, though I did wake up an hour earlier than I planned (6am) and I couldn't go back to sleep so I just listened to Pandora for an hour before my alarm went off and my day officially started.

I always wake up at 7am on Sundays so I have enough time to wash my hair, eat breakfast, put on a (little) bit of makeup, get dressed, and get my stuff together for church. This is how every Sunday usually goes in the morning for me. I'm actually pretty much ready by 8:30am. I use the rest of my free time in the morning to listen to music, read, or play games to wake myself up completely. I'm not much of a morning person and never have been. You can't imagine how hard it was for me to wake up in the mornings when I was in Junior high and High school as well.

I had a bit of hair trouble today. I have a fringe (bangs) again and I haven't quite perfected the art of styling them right. Today I had a lot of trouble with them, they wanted to stick out in the front for some reason, I seem to have this problem a lot when it comes to my fringe. I eventually got them to cooperate with the help of my blow dryer and brush after a while. I think they kind of looked like a mes today but I guess they were okay. 

Anyway, after I get ready and get my stuff together I usually find a ride to church. Today I went with my friend Erin. I usually end up going with Tiffany, Erin, or a few others that I can't remember right now. Erin came to pick me up sometime after 9am, I grabbed a few pieces of my peppermint gum, put them in my pocket and then went out the door.

I wore a white shirt with my red jacket, silver and red bracelets, my nails were painted red, I had a white butterfly clip in my hair and another red clip, I had my hair pulled back in a ponytail with 2 red hair bands, and my hair is also red so it worked out nicely.

Some time while I was in the car with Erin my peppermint bug fell out of my pocket, this was a real loss for me since I like to have the best breath at church that I can. Lucky for me Erin had some gum, and when we got to church and sat down in the chapel near the front she gave me a piece.

I didn't even bother to look for Darik and Dylan for some reason, I usually do this. Even when I don't go looking for them I can usually find them, this did not happen today though. Sacrament meeting was pretty good, I actually stayed awake during the whole thing today. I am not so good about that sometimes honestly.

After Sacrament meeting ended I went straight to class without even bothering to look around or talking to people. Honestly, I felt kind of disappointed at this point because I thought Darik and Dylan weren't there so it was just another week of me hoping they would be there when they ended up not showing up again. I don't know why I let my hopes up so many times the past few weeks, it was kind of dumb. I texted Dylan sometime before class and asked him if he wasn't going to come to the singles ward anymore. I was kind of fighting the urge to give into my disappointment at this point in time and just doing that helped. I really wanted to know.

Anyway, the lesson was pretty great, it had to do with the savior... I can't remember the details but it was a good lesson. My mind started to get a little noisy towards the end plus my mind started to wander a little and I started thinking about Darik and Dylan again. I started to feel a bit restless with all the stuff going through my head so I decided to leave the classroom and go walk around. It's strange, my mind has this mechanism that turns on when I start getting stressed or sad, or when my mind gets to noisy. I start thinking about someone that makes me really happy automatically. This time it was both Darik and Dylan obviously. Sometimes it's Sam, and sometimes it's someone else, but that switch just turns on automatically when I start getting stressed. It really comes in handy sometimes.

I walked around the church for a while trying to quiet my mind down. I eventually came to the foyer and sat on a couch, my mind was starting to quiet down. I pulled out my phone and saw I got a text from Dylan. apparently him and Darik had been at church the whole time today and I just didn't notice them. This made my mood a lot brighter instantly, it's funny how that happens a lot when I know they are around or when they talk to me. It's been like this for as long as I've known them.

My mind was still kind of busy at this point but I was in a better mood. Class had just ended when I started walking back. On my way back to the classroom I ran into Dylan who was talking to some other people. If you had seen me I probably wouldn't have looked as excited outwardly as I felt internally. I kind of was a bit anti- climactic to be honest. All I could manage was an uncharacteristically high pitched "hey", that I think sounded really lame, a "I'm glad your back", an "I missed you guys a lot", and a "how are you?'. **face palm**. I'm not to good with sugary, enthusiastic greetings when it comes to people I haven't seen for more than 4 months, It's kind of awkward for me to show that kind of emotion, especially when I really like the person, and when they are a guy it's extra awkward.

He commented on the colors I was wearing and asked me if it was for the Utah Utes game. I confirmed that I was wearing the color because we won the game yesterday and confirmed that I was a fan of the Utes. I was kind of laughing a little too while I said it. I thought that I might feel a little guilty if they ever found out I was a Utes fan, but I wasn't sorry at all. They are BYU fans.

I couldn't think up anything else to say, I just stood there listening to his conversation with someone else. I usually don't feel really weird doing this anymore, I do it all the time. We walked to the chapel, I didn't feel like leaving him, I was really glad to see him today so I just kind of followed him around sort of. It wasn't really like following him around actually, I was just waiting for him and Darik to pick a seat in the chapel. I didn't want to sit alone, that is why I usually do this most of the time.

Sometime before the 3rd part of church started, before they found their seats I finally got to see Darik. I can't even tell you how happy I was to see him. I don't think I expressed it very well, but he gave me a  hug and this made me really happy. I was really freaking out inside the whole time. I was speechless just like I was with Dylan, this actually kind of bothered me but it was okay. I wasn't expecting to see them today so I was kind of in shock a little.

Anyway, so I just kind pretended to be looking around for a seat, and then followed them when they went to sit down. I sat in a pew behind them. We did a combined meeting between relief Society and priesthood today for 3rd hour.  I didn't pay much attention to them during the 3rd hour, the lesson was pretty interesting. They were answering questions today that people wanted to know about the church. I glanced at them a few times, but nothing more than that. I was in a really good mood by now, and my mind had quieted down.

After church was over, I just kind of stuck around the church for a few minutes. Erin was doing something else too, so it worked out pretty good. I hung around Darik and Dylan for a while before they left. I couldn't think of anything to say to Darik, I had so many openings to talk to him today but I had one of my duh moments, actually more than one. We eventually said goodbye to each other and parted our ways. I went and found Erin after this and we left as well.

The rest of my day was pretty normal. I spent some time on Destiny Online, I played some tetris, I took a nap, and I watched an anime called "Pollyanna Girl of Love". I have been working on that anime since yesterday night.

We made home made bread, we seem to be doing that a lot lately. I love home made bread a lot so it's nice to have it more. My mom made home made chicken noodle soup as well, it was great. I ate 2 bowls of it. My dad picked a ton of grapes, he gave some to my brother to take home, we still have a lot of them to eat though. I can't wait until the purple ones ripen, they take a bit longer than the green and red ones. I love purple grapes the most, they are amazing.

Anyway, I guess that is all for today, this turned out to be a bit longer than I expected. I guess that is okay though, at least I had a lot to tell today. I hope this week is more interesting than the last one.

Friends and headaches

EDIT: About an hour after I posted this I found out I didn't see the text Sam sent me.  Oops? He sent me one about 2 hours before I posted this and I didn't see it because my phone was charging.  I'm hoping everything tuns out good. I will update you later. I have no idea what is going to happen yet. He had me answer a question first before he would give me his reply, I just sent that answer to that question. Still waiting for his answer. :)

So today was a little weird. For some reason I felt so cut off from everyone today. I felt ignored, and like everyone was ignoring how I felt. I think it might have something to do with what happened yesterday. For those of you that saw my pulse earlier today, you know this.

So out of the blue yesterday I decided to ask Sam how he felt about me. Or in other words I told him I wasn't sure just how he felt about me and I wasn't sure what exactly I was to him. I honestly don't really know. I mean we are friends and all but I've never really asked him that. I don't even know if he likes me half as much as I like him. Having this hang over my head is not my favorite thing in the world to deal with. I am so open with how I feel about people, I can't help but expect some of that clarity to be given back. Anyway, he never really answered back which has kind of left me in an awkward position. I feel so left in the dark now. Maybe he doesn't know how to answer, maybe he doesn't want to answer. I have NO clue what he is thinking.

As if not knowing how Darik and Dylan feel about me clearly wasn't enough now I have to worry about this. Well, at least I have GOOD ENOUGH idea of how those two feel about me, enough to feel secure, but I don't feel like I have that with Sam right now. I just hope I didn't make Sam feel weird by asking the question, I did not intend that at all. I wish he would answer though.  I became overwhelmed wit the feeling that I was alone earlier today, like I had no one to turn to, no one to talk to and I buckled under the pressure and nearly started to talk to Dylan again. I didn't end up talking to him in the end though, but I did end up talking to Darik. I could tell, and feel that I am not quite ready to talk to Dylan yet again. I still have some things I need to work out before I talk to Dylan again. Anyway, so I told Darik how I was feeling and why I was talking to him again. You wouldn't believe the difference in how I felt after I felt like I had someone to talk to. After I told him how I was feeling I felt so much better. I wasn't really expecting him to reply, and he didn't but that wasn't the point. I know how busy he is so I am not so worried anymore when he doesn't reply to me. I am glad I started talking to Darik again, really glad.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future so far as all my problems are concerned, but I feel like it will be okay. I know it will be hard to overcome the problems I have with Dylan, and with some other people, but I know I can make it if I try my best. Sometimes I don't feel like this, sometimes I feel really depressed and hopeless, but I always come out of it. It's funny how much one person can change your mood in one instant, or even a few seconds. I have obviously chosen my friends wisely.

Anyway, I still have stuff I am worried about, but I don't feel like it is weighing me down. I don't know what is going to happen with Sam either, but I will have good friends like Darik, Dylan, and some of my other friends on and off Xanga to keep me from falling. Not to mention my family and God as well.  I am feeling a whole lot better than I was earlier.

So today I started reading a new manga. I'm reading a manga called "Stardust Wink". It's really great. I am only a few chapters into it and I am already loving it.

Nothing much happened today besides this stuff, just sorting out feelings and stuff. I played tetris, and looked for some new music, stuff like that. Other than that it was a pretty uneventful day. On, and I joined these Christian forums yesterday night, just for fun, and because I felt like I could get a little help at them in some areas. So far the people are very supportive and kind.

My weight loss is going great. I will wait to tell you how much I lost until the end of the month though.

I guess this is enough now. :)

I hope tomorrow will be more exciting.

Day 22

So it has been 22 days since I talked to Dylan. It has been 21 days since I have talked to Darik. So far things are going smoothly. The only thing I am worried about is that I have started dreaming about Dylan more which is really abnormal. I usually never dream about Dylan, it's usually about Darik. It's a little hard distancing myself from them, and I think it's going to be even harder when they start coming to my ward in church again in a few weeks. I wan't to see them, but right now I am not sure if I should talk to them or not when they come. So far the withdrawal hasn't been too bad, I don't feel like I'm suffering or anything by not talking to them. I don't know what is going to happen, but I sure hope it doesn't get harder. right now I'm not sure when I am going to end up talking to them again, I'm kind of taking it one day at a time. I'm really in no hurry, I seriously doubt I'm that important to them honestly. It's not like we ever talk a lot.

For those of you that aren't familiar with the situation, I quit talking to Dylan because I felt like we both needed some space from each  other. I made a lot of mistakes in my friendship with Dylan, stuff that I can't fix now. It's been causing me to feel a large amount of regret and guilt. I tried talking to him about how I feel, but I don't think he wants to deal with it. I don't blame him but it kind of put me at a dead end. I decided after a while that I should probably distance myself from Dylan because I was starting to think about it a little too much. It began to get to me and I was getting really sad and irritated. I think I got on his nerves a little too because I was always sending him really long messages in his facebook inbox. I decided eventually with all the drama that is and was going on between us, and the fact that I was seriously over thinking things, that we needed a break from each other. I think I needed a break more than he needed a break from me but that is okay.

I don't even think he has noticed I have stopped talking to him, I don't think I'm quite that important. I think I made a good choice by deciding to distance myself for a while. I knew that if I was going to do this, I couldn't talk to Darik either, that would have just made things worse. I have no problems with Darik, I sorted those out about a year ago, so WE are fine. Darik always has been a little better at listening to how I feel, I've always liked that about him. He has been one of the only reasons why this whole mess I have created hasn't driven me crazy yet. I made so many mistakes with both of them, but with Dylan, from my point of view I think I was a bit more reckless. I began to over think and be self conscious about my flaws around him and I wasn't being myself. I created this illusion in my head that we were closer than we actually were. When I fixed things with Darik almost a year ago I started noticing all the stuff I felt for Dylan, all this stuff I was and still am insecure about. I neglected to look for and fix the issues in our friendship and now it has become a mess. Issues like I don't feel like I can talk to him like I can talk to Darik. I also have some trust issues, and I sometimes doubt that he would accept me if he found out all my flaws. It's kind of a hard thing to explain. I really shouldn't care, and really if he found out and gave me the expected reaction I could probably just walk away without worrying about anything, but still for some reason I get scared. Probably because I know he is still important to me. Something like that.

In a way the fact that I know and have always known that I like them both a lot more than they like me has made it kind of harder. We haven't really gotten a chance to talk to each other a decent amount for a long time. This makes it so I have to deal with what I feel on my own and that isn't easy. One of the other reasons why I stopped talking to them is because I honestly kind of feel like my friendship is partly 1 sided. I don't feel like we have a very equal friendship. I am always putting in all this effort to try and get them to talk to me, I always have been this way. they have never really tried as hard as me, they have been busy, and they have lots of friends and stuff but I wish they would have tried a little harder. I am not that demanding really. I don't think I have ever really been that important to either of them. If you are wondering why I even bother, you would have to meet them for yourselves. They are both really cool, have a lot of friends, are really smart, and most of the time they are really sweet guys. This is the reason, even though I knew it was probably futile, that I tried so hard to get them to talk to me more.  Eventually it just began to burn me out, and 22 days ago, I decided I had enough and I made the decision finally to distance myself.  I have my limits after all.

Anyway with both of them it has been tough. I used to have a serious obsession with both of them. I had a crush on both of them for a while back when I was in school. You might think it still sounds like I have an obsession, but I just talk about them a lot because I really like them, and because over the past 11 years so many thoughts have been building up in my head I just need to get them all out. If I don't talk about what I am feeling, and what bothers me, after a while it begins to torture me, and / or it becomes an obsession. Talking about them a lot is my way of dealing with things. It's my way of AVOIDING obsession. When I keep things inside they start to torture me and it just makes things worse, so I need to talk about them, to vent my thoughts so they don't drive me crazy. This helps me keep my distance from them as well, and makes me a lot happier.

Anyway, like I said, I am just taking this one day at a time. I don't know what will happen I the future but I know I will be okay.

I will do another post later, I just needed to mind dump / vent again.