Friends, Self Consciousness, and Tripping Down Stairs!

This is a note I posted on facebook earlier. I just thought it would be cool to share it here as well. :)

 

Wow, so I never really bring his up, but I have a few things I am worried about. I just need to tell my friends about some things.

 

Knowing is better than not knowing especially when it comes to the subject of my vision.

 

Well some, at least most of you know that my vision is really bad. I have multiple vision problems.  My vision is very blurry, my peripheral vision is good but not perfect, I have nystagmus, astigmatism, ocular albinism, and almost no depth perception at all.

 

So you are probably wondering why I don't wear glasses? Well that is simple, it has nothing to do with the way I look really. I really like my glasses a lot, but I rely on my whole field of vision to get around, not just my center or my side vision, or whatever. When I wear glasses I can become very disoriented because my vision is mostly focused in the confines, the boundaries of the lenses, and/ or the frames.  I lose some awareness of everything around me, this has more negative effects than positive effects for me. They make my vision better, but they take away my sense of security I guess you can say because of the loss of awareness of things around me.  I rely on more than just my sight to see, most of you probably don't notice but I rely on my sense of hearing and touch as much or possibly even more than I rely on my sense of sight. When I wear glasses it distracts from these senses, and I become more distracted by stuff around me and am actually more likely not to notice something coming, or a person, or and obstacle in my way.  So it really bothers me wearing glasses, so I just don't.  I can get around better without them, than with them.  :)

 

I really have tried not to focus too much attention on my vision problems. I have always tried to seem as normal in front of people as I can possibly manage. I have come to realize lately however as I am getting older, and possibly a little wiser, it is probably better for people to know and understand just how bad my vision is.  I'm kind of worried about people not knowing sometimes now because I have realized that not knowing can cause more problems sometimes.  Basically I am legally blind even with glasses on, I have nystagmus, astigmatism, and nearly no depth perception like I said above.  In other words my vision is dreadful, even worse is my lack of depth perception. Blurriness and no depth perception do not go to well together, on top of my nystagmus.  It is a sheer miracle I have the ability to tell people apart since I can't even see clearly 1 and a half feet in front of my face.  Sometimes I tell people apart by the sound of their voice instead. sometimes I combine this ability with what I am able to see to more accurately tell who people are.  Whenever I go to the eye doctor he or she is always really surprised I can get around as well as I do, I always surprise them because even people with better vision than mine have trouble getting around more than I do. 

 

So you are probably wondering if I use a cane?  the answer is yes, sometimes I do use a cane. I used to never use the cane, but with depth perception as bad as mine it really helps a lot more than glasses. Usually what problems glasses can not fix for me the cane can. It basically bridges the gap between what I can and can not see better than glasses can.

 

Quite honestly I am self conscious using it, so I try to be as independent as i can and not use it but the more I think about it lately that is a really bad oxymoron. I am afraid if I use it more around my friends they will become more uncomfortable around me. I really don't want to make anyone feel awkward, or uncomfortable around me at all.  I am  fine with strangers or people that I don't very well seeing me with the cane, but when I want to use it around my friends I often get nervous, and chicken out. This is really the only reason why I do not use it all the time. I really like using my cane and I want to use it all the time but I just have a problem wit this one little thing.  I should use it all the time and I know that, and honestly every eye doctor, or O & M (orientation and mobility) instructor, anyone that knows a lot about vision would say the same thing. In fact they have all been nagging me my whole life to use it, I am a stubborn person though ha ha. 

 

So basically I don't want my friends to feel uncomfortable, or feel weird around me if I end up using it like I want to all the time. I will still be the same person, it won't make me any less capable of doing stuff, the exact opposite is true, it will help me be MORE capable of doing stuff and actually make it easier for other people. I don't want to have to worry about these things so that is why I am telling you guys this stuff. I am an independent person and I catch onto stuff fairly quickly.  When i travel without the cane I have to look at the ground a lot and be careful where i step because I have no sense of depth so I can't see drop offs or stairs, rocks, bumps, pits, etc. I completely miss that stuff most of the time unless of the shadow is just right.  I'm tired of looking at the ground, I should be focusing on everything around me. This is probably the strongest reason why I want to use the cane. I am tired of missing drop offs, and almost falling down stairs or falling over holes and bumps, rocks, etc.  It get's very annoying.

 

Anyway, so that is basically the message I want all my friends to know. I want them to know how I feel about this.

 

Fun facts about my vision.

 

• Because of my nystagmus I can only read with 1 eye at a time.  the involuntary movement of my eyes makes me unable to read with both eyes in sync.  I read with only my left eye.  I could probably read with my right eye too, but I have to read further away with my right eye and my nystagmus would make me lose my place a lot more at that distance. I already lose my place a lot already haha.
• You probably caught onto this but my lack of eye color is from my 'Ocular Albinism". it's basically what it sounds like, lack of color in the eyes. Mine is due to a genetic defect.  A lot of people with ocular albinism have Nystagmus, and some of the same things I have trouble with. My real eye color was supposed to be light blue
• I was completely blind for the first year of my life, then by some miracle my brain generated an alternative vision center on it's own which is supposed to be impossible. My vision slowly came back  after this. Not completely but it came back.
• I am not good at memorizing people's physical appearance, most of the time it takes me a few weeks to remember faces since I have really blurry vision. it's a miracle I can work with what information I have. I have become quite good at telling people apart despite my vision, it's really quite a miracle. 
• I require very little assistance, I get around very well on my own. Most of the time I never end up having to ask people for help.
• I learned braille at one time in my life, I don't really use it though. haha.
• some of my best friends are blind. My best friend that got married is blind in one eye and is legally blind in the other. 
• I lose people in crowds a lot if I am not careful.  Some people are easier to stay with than others for some reason though, usually the ones I really like a lot

 

If you guys have any questions or are wondering about something after you read this please leave a comment. I like questions. :)

 

Paintings that Will Never Be Painted.

so sad how some of us are cursed with no artistic talent when it comes to painting and drawing. I see the images but my brain just doesn't understand how to apply that to my hands, to actually create those images on canvas. 

I have tried so many times but my brain just doesn't get it at all. The images just come out looking like something a 2 year old would draw and that confuses me more. To literally not understand how to do something is so frustrating. 

I've always seen these beautiful images, these places, these people inside my head. I've never liked the fact that I can't share them with people, I cant share these colorful vibrant images with everyone. Something like that for me is torture. some of the simplest things seem hard for me and yet some of the more difficult things that people struggle with every day seem like picking up a piece of paper to me. Having bad vision really sucks.  

If I could I would just sit for hours at a canvas and express everything I see, hear, think of, in a painting or drawing. I would open the gates of my mind to everyone. Sadly that will never be. I am a victim of loss of depth perception, blurry vision and involuntary eye movement and a brain that has trouble understanding stuff. You have no idea how maddening it is for me. I feel like I've locked up in  a box and I'll never get out. 

I really hate being bottled up and chained to the wall. I'm hoping that I'll come to accomplish the one thing I've always wanted but never had through digital art. I'm hoping that this will be the thing that shatters the wall and opens up the gates. I've already started learning how to do digital art. I'm pretty good right now but I haven't done anything really that professional yet. I can't wait till I get my hands on Ultra Fractal and Photoshop. I might be having false hope but at least I have hope.

The Future that almost Never Happened.

I just feel like a waterfall right now you can't hold me back, I can't even hold myself back right now. I've been struck by the lightning of inspiration. I wasn't always able to write this way it wasn't as easy for me to learn as a normal child could have. I feel like some of you need to her my story. 

So I've allays had learning disabilities my whole life I have a hard time catching onto things and understanding them a lot of the time at first its really hard for me to understand some things. I was born with a lot of imperfections, my vision sucks, I have Auditory Processing Delays, I have terrible social kills with people I know in person, I was the child that drove the teachers to tears because they couldn't find out to teach me. Preschool and kindergarten they just couldn't figure out how to teach me how to write and read and they couldn't figure out how I was ever going to learn. I had private tutors and stuff helping me all the time, I grasped the alphabet (mostly) but I just couldn't get anything else it was so hard. 

When I entered the first grade thats when I met MRS. "O" MRS. "O" wad absolutely determined to make it so I could read and write. She was mean, she was strict, she was basically the meanest person I remember ever meeting but she knew what she needed to do to get me where I needed to be.  I whined and complained and mad a fuss. It was hard, I hated it I hated her, I'm just glad I had good friends in that class (it was special ED by the way there were only 8 people in it so we got pretty close. I don't know how she knew it but she knew I had the talent, she wasn't reduced to tears like everyone else even though I was so stubborn and difficult to teach. She was able to help me in not only reading and writing but stuff like math as well. She was able to get me just far enough that she could send me off to the 2nd grade with confidence that I would get the help I needed. 

The help I needed was not at that school anymore as my 2nd grade teacher found out because she couldn't figure out how to teach me either. I moved to the School for the blind and visually impaired. It was the biggest waist of my life so far as discipline but they go their jobs done. I learned how to multiply and other basic math skills even deeper then but what really shocked everyone was how fast I began to catch onto writing and what a lightning fast reader and typer I was. I learned cursive, and vocabulary, I still had a lot of trouble with grammar but I at least knew how to speak and I could read short books. 

While I was there I learned braille as well (even though I'm not blind I just have bad vision). I found the key to learning english it was reading. through reading I learned how t spell and I learned abut the basic sentence. I eventually worked up to writing my first song and it became school wide famous because I won the school reflection contest with it? I ended up being so far in reading that I was 5 levels ahead of everyone in my class. I still sucked at everything else though except for writing even though I wasn't very good at grammar yet. 

So I was in that school and read my first chapter book when I was in 4th grade. It was an Alfred Hitchcock book called "The Secret of Terror Castle' that looked interesting to me. I still have it they gave it to me at the library to keep. The only mistake I made when I was reading it was not noticing that it was supposed to be read from front to back I had no concept of "chapters" yet believe it or not it was my first time trying to read one. When my teacher told me abut reading it from front to back I felt stupid and it made sense to me in about 5 seconds. 

When I left that school I knew the basics of reading and writing enough to let me go to regular school and not drive everyone mad. 

It was hard and the next 2 years (5 and 6th grade I was in a resource class where they helped me on reading comprehension and more reading.

Junior high was more of the same I got a little better at grammar though. 

Okay what i'm skipping to now was probably the defining moment of my life previous to the 10th grade I hated writing It doesn't make sense to me much the grammar was confusing I had trouble seeing the board and stuff and I just hated it I didn't even read that much except for in class when we read books together as a class. 

in the 10th grade that is when I met Mr. R he was awesome he coached basketball he was fun and I just really liked him a lot. HE is the person that got me to love writing. I was taught with these old school ghetto books he had us open them up and we went from chapter to chapter and it all make sense to me because for once in my life I had the material in front of me in one place AND I could hear how to do it he explained it so well and for the first time in my life it all mad sense to me and I understood grammar and I loved that class. That is when I started to blossom as a writer. I started reading as well I read a ton of books every week I couldn't stop myself from reading like a maniac and taking everything in it was like part of me was exploding out and I was starting to find me. Then the last 2 years of high school were more of the same and I just got better and better and I builded up more and more confidence and more skills.

I'm not perfect at grammar yet but I am a lot better than I used to be. I just have this confidence issue or maybe its just a laziness issue I'm trying to work through.  When I went into college my first year I did crash but thats because I was a little lazy I made a promise to my Advanced Critical Thinking and Reading Teacher (yes! Advanced) that I would come back when I was ready and I would make it the next time. 

I still read a lot and I write a ton still as you can see and I think that if I just stay put on here I'll just get more inspiration and I'll just get even better at this skill I need so badly to perfect. I hope I explained this well enough I tried to stay way from the un necessary parts as much as I could but that is just the basic story of how I became to be a blogger/ writer. I'll some day publish a book that tells it in more detail for you guys.