Darik & Dylan (Part 1)

I used to have a segment on my blog a lot time ago devoted to just these two. Sadly that segment was full of negativity and regret so I ended it and never looked back. I read those entries a few days ago and they made me sick to my stomach. I'd forgotten how much confusion was involved in my relationship with these two. I'm glad I decided to just leave the past in the past and just move on. As many regrets and confused feelings I've had for these two they still remain two of my favorite people on the planet. I am still amazed at how much tolerance they have had for me, especially Darik who has always been the one I express the most stuff to. I've never been able to keep a friend longer than I've had these two as friends. I think I can safely say that we will be friends for life and that isn't something I can say easily.

I will talk about Dylan later, but for today I just want to say a few things that have been on my mind about Darik. 

I probably loved Darik for half of my life, I was just in major denial about it for ages. I almost loved Dylan, but I never quite reached that point. They are twins, but my feelings and opinions of each of them is unique and so is my relationship. Sometimes I get a bit annoyed with myself for always favoring Darik but I think my heart is just built in a way that makes me want to lean in his direction unwaveringly. Now that he is married I am super happy for him, one of the things I always wanted the most was for him to find someone he can truly love and he found that in Cara. While it is true I loved Darik for a long time I never really wanted to be with him. I always knew that somewhere out there there was a girl that was better for him and I was right about that.

Also, I'm happier just being friends, our relationship, though it has had it's rocky spots isn't anything I'd want to lose. I never told him how I felt because I didn't want to make things awkward between us and lose that comfort I feel with him. There were a few times when I felt like I love you would burst out of my mouth, but I always held it in because I knew it was the right thing to do. If by some chance he finds this post and reads it I'll be fine. Writing the words down isn't something I want to fear, it's just saying stuff out loud that makes me feel weird. My blog is the one place I want to be able to be honest about things. I still can't believe I fought my feelings for him for a good 9 years or so, I should have just let everything flow naturally. I think I created more pressure and stress for myself than I needed to. I also always felt guilty for having feelings for him, I used to beat myself up about it all the time and felt like I was doing something wrong. I didn't want to get in his way and I felt like if I ever told him how I felt he would get annoyed and kick me out of his life. I've always had feelings for Darik, but for the first 2 and a half years we knew each other it was just a crush.

I guess you can say that I shamelessly switched between him and Dylan a few times and eventually I felt like I was playing with his heart, this is around the time I actually started loving him (The middle of the 8th grade). I decided to never express my feelings to him again because I didn't want to hurt him or play around with his head or heart. I've always known we wouldn't end up together, so I knew this was the right thing to do for the most part. I know now I had no reason to feel guilty for loving him or having any sort of feelings for him, but it used to really torture me. I have no idea how I managed to convince myself that having feelings for him was wrong, but I did and I regret letting myself do that because it turned out alright once I let go and let things just be. I spent the better part of our relationship trying to push away and suppress my feelings for him or get rid of them entirely but I could never do it. I had little moments of giving in, but my guilt always got to me and I got stubborn again. I really struggled with not being able to say anything sometimes even though I knew we weren't meant for each other. I guess it's just a natural instinct we have, to want to express ourselves.

I promise I'll explain Dylan's side of this story later. 

I was 21 when I started fully accepting my feelings for him, but it took me an additional 2 and a half years to completely relax aout it. Now things are different now that he is married, I guess you can say that the power of the feelings is still there, but because I know the door is shut permanently it has changed. I expect I'll always love him in a way, but not in a way that interferes at all. My feelings are pure and I'll do my best to keep them that way. I care about his happiness more than I can say and I'd never do anything to make him unhappy consciously. I am glad he found someone to love, someone aas amazing as him should never be single. I'm glad I got my wish and he found his soul mate and they are very happy now. I think Cara is a wonderful person and I am glad they ended up together. I don't know that much about her yet, but to me she seems like someone I could become good friends with and that is saying a lot because there aren't very many people I feel that way towards.

Anyway, there is no need to say everything in one post, I'll just end here and continue later.

The Twin Dilemma (Part 2)

I sent Darik a text message a few minutes ago, it turned out to be much more than I originally planned. I have really been bugged by how things ended with us 2 months ago. I really wanted to say something to him very badly. I must have written and re-written the text I sent him about 20 times, each with different things I could say. I finally realized that no words i could possibly say would make me feel better unless if they were "I love you". These are the only words i have left for him, for both him and Dylan. I don't feel like i can say anything else now other than what I said in that text. 
"I really want to say something to you but I don't wan to bug you. So the only thing I am going to say is I love you, because all other words are futile now. Take it any way you want I don't care. These are the only words I have left. And don't you dare laugh because I'm crying. "
So many emotions went through my fingers and through my whole body while I was typing this, and during the 20 or so seconds before i actually sent it. I was happy, sad, frustrated, excited, confused, clear, so many different things in that one moment in time. I lost it completely and put every single emotion I could summon up into that text. I just hope he reads it. 
Two months ago it ended completely awkward. I have always had problems with keeping our friendship balanced. I have had to go through tons of insecurities, and psychological phenomenon the whole time I have know both of them. Every time I try to tell them how I feel it always goes wrong in some way. Maybe i tried to hard, or explained myself wrong. I think I was also a little too dramatic, actually I know i had a tendency for being really dramatic. My feelings for these two have always been super strong though. I always got ahead of myself, but at least my heart was always in the right place, even if I didn't communicate it properly sometimes. 
I tried to make things better by trying to give up on our friendship for their benefit. I thought it was the wise thing to do. I was so sure that i was only getting in the way and that i had n real purpose in their life. i was ready to but out for good and leave them alone. I ended up texting both of them and they ended up talking me out of it for a while.  i never really felt quite settled though. i really didn't feel like I deserved to be their friend, like I was any good. Them talking me out of it made me feel kind of happy, but I was more confused than anything to be honest. I didn't want to pursue it any more though. I just kind of gave up on the notion of giving up cold turkey because i figured it was a good idea to at least give them a few more weeks.
At the end I ended up talking myself into thinking of them as the bad guys, I was so stupid. i convinced myself that if I kept on talking to them i would just end up getting hurt. i convinced myself that they were what was wrong. I sent them a message on Facebook telling them i wanted to stay away from them, and that being around them was only hurting me. I was so dumb to do this. I made sure to write it so it looked like I thought i was also partially to blame. I know that this is the truth, even though internally I was trying to deny this was true. I'm glad i didn't put the blame on them in writing. I at least did the decent thing in writing and told them how i felt in at least a semi- right way. i still regret that though. I could have done everything in a much better way if only I had just been patient.
Instead of trying to get things back to the way they were after telling him how sorry I was for all the drama I had caused trying to protect myself I just backed off and told him and Dylan that I cared about them a lot and just left it at that. I told them i was just going to let go. At least I ended it semi-good.
I have been feeling guilty in varying degrees over the past two months. I really have a lot of regrets, and I know I have to deal wit them myself and come to terms with them. I know how that expressing these feelings isn't exactly the best thing to do with Darik and Dylan which is why I am doing this on my blog instead. I don't want to shove these feelings onto them anymore, and I know they don't want to deal with the drama anymore. Darik has been so patient, he has had to deal with most of it. He has been so good to me the past few years. He could have gotten angry, or frustrated, or irritated, but he never showed anything like that. This is one of the reasons why I care about him so much. 
Anyway, I still have a lot I want to express on this subject, but for now I'll just leave it like this. 
I'll do my regular entry later.
EDIT: if you wan to understand my past with Darik you can read this entry from way back in 2010. >>> Here
FYI: I am going to be doing a new version of my past with Darik and Dylan soon. I really need to because a lot has changed.