I've been feeling really weird today, like when you feel when you are really hungry and your stomach is about to growl. Only when I eat something it doesn't go away. I think it's that beef stuff I ate yesterday night, it tastes pretty good but I think my stomach wasn't to fond of it. I've been feeling a little under the weather today, and I seem to be a little cold sensitive too. I get those random days when everything I touch seems to give twice the feeling it normally does, things feel colder or hotter, it's really strange. I went to church today still even though I felt this way, though I ended up lying down on the couch and listening to the scriptures on my iPhone for the last 2 hours of church. Sitting down seemed to make it stronger. I took a 3 hour nap after church, I think that helped a lot. I think I was feeling like that also because I didn't get enough sleep yesterday. I have trouble falling asleep sometimes, sometimes I just don't feel like sleeping though. It's been rainy and a little cold today, still in the lower 50's but it felt a lot nicer than it's been feeling. The rain felt extra cold on my skin today however, I really hate that feeling.
Anyway, I just thought I would mention that, but I want to talk about something else.
I don't blame people for doubting me, I have a lot of things I have to overcome and I have not tried my hardest in the past. I was often lazy and did things half hearted. I wish I had tried harder at school, and helped more at home. I think I used my vision problems and other impairments to get out of a lot of things. For me stuff being easy was first priority, I really regret that now. I think I passed up a lot of opportunities to become a lot stronger and make people see that I am not a weak person.
I think because of these mistakes people have come to think both in the past, and present that I can't do a lot of things. I see it everywhere I go, people always doubting me or telling me I can't do certain things. I know this misconception is mostly my fault, if I had tried harder I could have prevented it. The times that hurt the most are when my own family members think I can't do something that with just a little help I could do, and learn to do on my own. I sometimes feel that my family and / or friends don't believe in me as much as they should. This feeling is more crippling than you can probably imagine. It hurts when they doubt me or tell me I can't do something I know I can learn how to do, it's a real confidence killer. I wish they would take bigger leaps of faith than they have, it's okay for me to make mistakes, I think they try and prevent me from getting hurt, but they also are preventing me from growing. I think I need to make mistakes to be able to grow. I know I'm in for a lot of hard times, but if they just believe in me a little more and don't doubt me as much it will be a lot easier. I like to have as much support as I can, when I can get it.
I remember in high school they had doubts that I would graduate, I don't really blame them because I honestly didn't try as hard as I should have in school but instead of just looking at what I failed to do, they should have told me I could do it a little more. I remember they did encourage me, but I don't think they did it as much as they should have. I remember they were always tying to make things easier for me, to make things less stressful, I understand why but I think I was denied a lot of growth I could have had. Everyone makes mistakes, so I have no hard feelings.
I am excited to show people what I can do in the future. I feel like I am ready to show people who I truly am. I've been holding myself back so much. I know there are a lot of people out there that will believe in me and help me through it. I hope I can get my family and friends to see my stronger side, I want them to believe in me a lot more than they do now.
