Uncertain Ground

Work was alright today. I made a lot of ice cream and that helped the time to fly past. Usually I am horribly bored, so it's been a nice change making ice cream on the weekend. Before I was making ice cream on Tuesday mornings, waffle cones on Thursdays and I would help customers on Saturday. Saturdays can be busy, but not until after 2pm. I have liked the change the past two weeks, even if I have less hours. Right now I only do waffles on Thursday and ice cream on Saturday. I still get to help customers when I have the time of course. I'm also looking for another job, but that will take a while I think. I actually applied for Macey's grocery store late last night. I hope I get that cashier job.

We got a new manager a couple of weeks ago. His name is Heber. I don't know much about Heber yet and it makes me kind of nervous. I've had a bad manager before and every time I get a new one I'm always afraid history is going to repeat itself. Not knowing much about my new manager is uncomfortable. I hope I learn something new about him at our next work meeting. So far all I've deduced is that he is kind of strict, but that isn't very helpful. In fact is just makes me nervous. I am feeling very uncertain right now. I hope he turns out to be a good manager. He is my 4th manager. I can always quit if he turns out to be bad for me. I just have to keep reminding myself that. My mental health comes first. I've been working at Coldstone for too long anyway. I really need to write about my work history soon. It has been a crazy ride.

Lag Induced Transparency

Laura made some chocolate chip cookies yesterday. We also had a nice salad with some kind of vinaigrette dressing, nits, chicken, and probably something else, but I don't remember. I don't know if it sounds weird, but it was pretty good. The cookies we had after were very welcoming too.
Today I tried out the new OGX Tea Tree Peppermint conditioner I got yesterday. I also tried out some of this hair product I've been saving since before I cut my hair a year ago. Instead of typing out the name, I'll just leave a picture of it below. My hair wasn't long enough for a while to try it, but it is now. I blow dried my hair and it came out soft and smooth. I almost bought some other hair products, yesterday, but I'm glad I didn't waste the money. It seems like I don't need anything else after all. I don't know if it's because of the conditioner, the product, or both, but my hair doesn't have a ton of static like it did before.

Here is my hair today.

I have been using the OGX Coconut milk conditioner for a long time up until a few days ago. I ran out, and I've been using Garnea Fructis 2 in one Shampoo and Conditioner since then. It just doesn't do enough for my hair, so I had to buy a new conditioner.

Oh yeah, here is the other hair product I used today. I think I like it a lot.

I kept this in my hair stuff for a long time without using it. I think it's pretty cool now.

 This is the conditioner I got

I don't do much on Tuesdays anymore since I quit being scheduled. I guess my new manager just doesn't feel like a lot of people need to be scheduled on Tuesday anymore. I used to make ice cream on Tuesday mornings, but now I do it on Saturdays, and I help customers too. I made waffle cones and bowls on Thursdays. I didn't blog a lot after I started working at Coldstone Creamery, so not a lot has been said on here about my job. I'm going to do a job history post soon. It's been a wild ride, and it's worth writing about.

The most eventful thing to happen to me today besides a good hair day, was having to listen to Natalie go through her emotional problems and anxiety. She doesn't know how to control her emotions very well yet. She struggles a lot with some of the same issues I have like OCD, depression, anxiety, and PTSD which I can't relate to a lot. I've never had PTSD to my knowledge. Maybe a bit from losing friends, but she has it worse. I won't give any details beyond this because that would be rude. I just had to write something because it's hard to deal with sometimes and this blog is one of my coping mechanisms. She has a lot of negative energy sometimes and it gets to me. Sometimes I just want to tell her to shut up, but I know that isn't the answer at all, so I'll never do that. It's been a lot harder for her since she turned 18 as well. I know what it's like having a lot of doubts and being confused with adult life.

Heck, I'm still confused with adult life and I'm 30. Haha.

So, I won't say anything bad about her, even though she drives me nuts sometimes. The rest of my day wasn't too eventful. Everyone else went to a choir concert but Natalie and I. I stayed home and played games on Roblox. Yes, I am an avid player of Roblox. I love spending time on there. I have spent less time on there lately because I'm trying to spend less money. I love building houses in Bloxburg and supporting my favorite developers. Also, I struggle a lot socially and being able to spend time having fun in games helps me a lot. It’s simple, and helps me keep my mind off of negative things.

We had tacos for dinner tonight, and after I got on Roblox and my inernet was being stupid while I was trying to play Epic Minigames. Anyway, I had a really cool lag induced bug that made my avatar go transparent. I also got stuck in mid air.

After a few minutes and one disconnection my internet was fine again. I didn't end up playing for a long time. I got off to play some old DOS games on various websites. I played a little Skyroads, and some Ken's Labyrinth. I grew up in the 90's, so I love playing DOS games.

I'm currently watching YouTube videos. This is all for now.

Post School Laziness

I will admit it right off the bat. It takes me longer to do some things than a lot of other people. For the past 10 years I have been chipping away at school. Some semesters I got straight A’s and others I’ve just flat out failed everything. This semester I got a C+, a C- and an E which is a failing grade.

Despite this imperfection of mine, I am very glad that I’ve been pushing through. University life is often compacted into 4 years. I’ve always known that couldn’t be me.

I work at my own pace, and that is okay. Life shouldn’t be hurried along, it should be enjoyed. I’m going to have to still finish my English and Math classes, and my psychology core classes. I know I’ll finish with time, so I’m not worried.

One thing I’m immensely grateful for is that I did not end up on academic probation after this semester. That is a pain to deal with. I have yet another chance to achieve a good standing, and I am optimistic about this. Academic probation is a pain because you have to do paperwork, academic counseling, and you are barred from financial aid until you do those two things. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with that again. I’ve dealt with it before. I hate having to explain to people why I fail and why they should believe I’ll never do it again. My life is complicated. I’ll probably do a post on when I got academic probation sometime anyway though some time in the future. That is a pretty interesting story.

I’m going through my post school laziness, so I haven’t been writing. I don’t really feel like doing anything after a hard semester. I know if I go to long without writing I’ll regret it in the long run however. So, here I am. Have you ever had one of those days where even writing a Facebook post feels like you are dragging around a stone? It doesn’t have to be Facebook by the way. I was writing something yesterday on Facebook and I just wanted to backspace and quit so much, but I pushed through it. This is often what writing is like for me after a hardship. Like I said above, this one is after school.

I’m not going to write much today. I knew I had to write something though. You should read my previous posts. If you are reading this in the future, my new posts too. I’m not the best writer in the world, but I do what I can.

Ball & Chain

Depression is a real drag. (No pun intended.)

The truth is, it’s hard for me to do anything most of the time. It varies in intensity from day to day; but I usually suffer from a chronic case of laziness and lack of motivation.

When I say it effects everything, I mean everything. It’s really rare for me to be able to focus on anything. Things that I can focus on are hard to start as well. I rarely ever start things purely on my own motivation. A good example is crochet. I can crochet for hours, but it’s rare for me to start purely on my own. I love art related activities in general. I usually have encouragement from another person when I get around to them. Even then, it is very hard for me to start. Almost everything makes me feel like I’m dragging a ball and chain around.

Homework is hard to do. Well, I guess that is an under statement. I grew up with various people helping me do my homework up until college. I really doubt I would have gotten as far as I did through high school and before without that help. I think my worst year was the 6th grade. I actually don’t know how I got out of it. It’s a miracle they didn’t hold me back. I did literally almost nothing in that year.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t have a solid form of depression back when I was in grade school. I was probably more lazy than depressed. I feel like I was better at doing things that required me to memorize a lot of info. I think things were less of a drag to me back then. My first year of college after things started going downhill with my best friends my depression started kicking in. I completely bombed my first year of college after high school. I mean straight across the board E’s. I had no motivation to really try and I had no clue what I wanted to do for a career at all. I was paralyzed mentally and couldn’t unfreeze myself. The college was even kind enough to let me repeat my first semester, but I couldn’t do it. I had no discipline. I took 3 years off after that and it’s been an on and off struggle when it comes to motivation ever since I returned to school. I also have a huge problem with procrastination. No doubt caused by my lack of motivation.

I know very well that it is impossible to get anything done when you are waiting for the perfect opportunity to come around. That perfect mood so many of us are waiting for is a fantasy. That opportunity will almost never come around. The sad fact is that you have to push through it, and that can feel nearly impossible sometimes. The fact that I haven’t failed every semester will tell you that I am in fact capable of working hard. I have pushed through before. Like I said, it’s hard for me to start stuff, but once I get into things I can usually stick with a lot of things and pull through if I know how. In school I don’t always know how, and that has a real impact on my motivation, and of course my performance. Stuff like writing large papers, and any form of math or hard thinking in general is really hard for me to push through. I’ve had to face failure quite a few times because a lot of the time I just can’t bring myself to do hours of homework a lot of the time.

The few times I have managed to push through that stress were some of the most rewarding in the end though. Though, the effort made me feel like I was slipping into insanity in some cases while I was working. The things that confuse me are usually the things that end up causing me the most trouble. Procrastination and I are best friends too often. When I defeat procrastination, it feels great.

Enough about school for now. I will get more into that in another post.

Believe it or not, I even struggle with fun things. I have this really big problem with skipping through things. I skip through books, I skip through music, and I even skip through Netflix shows. Sometimes I am just to eager to get to the point and find out what is going to happen. This is also one of the side effects of when I fail. When my lack of motivation, laziness, and procrastination end in failure; I am often a little too eager to get back into fun. I then end up becoming impatient and try to hurry through that fun. I am in a hurry with a lot of things. That probably doesn’t help my motivation.

I’m not impatient with everything mind you. I’m actually extremely patient with a lot of things and in a lot of situations. I’ll elaborate on that some other time.

Relationships are mostly out of the question for me. Most of the time I have very little or no motivation to socialize. Even when I want to, the drag I feel is nearly impossible to resist. It’s rare for me to want to spend time with people and to be honest, I don’t really enjoy the process of making friends. I’d rather just keep the ones I already have most of the time. Sometimes I meet people I want to be friends with, and even talk to a lot; but that is very rare. I hardly ever talk to anyone except for people online. Random people, not friends. I don’t even talk to my family that much to be honest. The time and effort it takes to make relationships drags me down a lot and I’m kind of awkward. I value relationships I do make so much that it hits me extremely hard when I lose them. It’s hard for me to relate to a lot of people and I’m not particularly knowledgeable in anything. I get so confused when trying to form new relationships that my anxiety kicks in and I end up having to give up a lot of the time; on a lot of non family relationships. I don’t even have the motivation to talk to my best friends.

When I find a guy I like it’s a bit different, but I think I should talk about that in a separate post.

This might sound weird, I don’t know. The things I usually want to do the most are sometimes just as hard to do as the things I don’t want to do. Like what I said above about art. I always want to do art related stuff, but it’s so hard for me to actually start and do it. I don’t particularly dislike learning or even being social. It’s just very hard to navigate the difficulty, confusion and my lack of motivation. I should probably mention that I hate cooking. I eat pretty healthy despite that fact. One thing I do have a lot of motivation and respect for is staying healthy. You only have one body and you should take care of it. I highly encourage people to prioritize health. Not just physical health, but mental health and if you are spiritual, spiritual health too. Those make up your entire life.

Anyway, I think my brain is trying to quit now. This was really hard for me to write. I knew I absolutely had to push myself however. I try extra hard with certain things like this, and my French study. I’ve actually made improvements in both. Also, this might surprise you, but exercise is one of the things I have the least amount of struggle with. Well, maybe not, considering what I wrote above. I still have to push myself, but I’ve managed to become better about fitness. That is a huge triumph for me. I used to never exercise.

I am slowly learning to push through things. I still have a long way to go with everything though.

Grammar advice and corrections are welcome on anything I write. I am no pro at writing. I just love to write.

On My Mind

 

So a few months before I came to Xanga almost 5 years ago I was in college. it was my first year of college, my first two semesters. I really didn't get back then the seriousness of college, what it would be like, what to expect, etc. I was so unprepared. I failed nearly all my classes for both semesters that I was in college back then. I wasn't motivated, I wasn't into it, and I lack confidence also. I was basically in school back then because I just liked school, that was all. I didn't care if I failed, i wasn't taking it seriously at all. 

Anyway, I decided I wanted to take a break from school after my second semester was a failure. i decided I needed to find myself and to improve myself before I went back to college. I was on academic probation after that last semester. 

I spent nearly 4 years after that running from myself, being lazy, gaining weight, doing nothing just surfing the Internet, watching anime. I went through several bouts of depression, and i made sure no one knew about it. I struggled physically, mentally, spiritually, and in a lot of other ways. I was consumed in myself, I ignored everyone, dismissed them like they weren't important. I was moody, and just off balance in general.

Somehow through some miracle after 3 years, in the last year i was out of school I decided to think about my life seriously, that was this last year. I somehow managed to pull myself together somehow and gain confidence, motivation, I figured out what subject I wanted to get into,  I started taking my health more seriously in more than one way.  

I started to realize the importance of school, of getting a job in the future, of my life in general. I know a lot of the reason I got through this was because I started relying on God more and I started to let him into my heart finally. After I did this and I started taking life more seriously, and gained the desire to become a better person, things in my life just seemed to get better and better. I also realized just how unhappy I was before. I was kind of in denial that I was unhappy all those years I guess. 

I have been getting better and better at being responsible and doing my share in life. I just finished my first semester back in school almost 2 months ago. I got straight A's, and I am no longer in academic probation. I feel a ton better when I am learning and productive.  My life is still slowly turning around. I have to admit now i actually don't like being out of school anymore, after all that time being out of school I came to dislike long breaks. I am really looking forward to going back in the fall.  I want to better myself, and become a great person that can life others up. I am going for a major in Psychology in school. I can't wait until I get there. 

I still have a lot of other things i need to do before my life truly gets going. I've never had a job, and I need to work on my social skills a lot more. I definitely have room for improvement. 

I am an optimist and always have been, and always will be. 

You will no doubt see me tell more stories about my life before Xanga. :)

The Anxiety

So yesterday night about an hour and a half after I finished writing my last post I discovered that Sam had texted me. He told me that he would answer my question if I answered his. He asked me how well I really knew him. This question really puzzled me at first, and I didn't know how to answer it for a while. Actually, I came up with multiple possible answers, I didn't know which one to give. It was past midnight at this time, and so I didn't want to text him back just in case he was asleep or something. This made things really hard because I knew I would not get the answer until I answered his question first. I really wanted that answer really badly and this made me really anxious. I was strung up all night and my heart was pounding, I couldn't sleep until probably 5:30am. All I could think of all night was how I was going to answer the question and when I was going to answer it.  Nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, I felt irritated, kind of scared, anxious, hyper, and really curious at the same time.  On top of this I felt a little guilty and frusterated for not noticing his text earlier.

I finally got 3 hours of sleep after a long, hard night. I sent my reply as soon as I woke up. I have been waiting for his reply all day. I really hope I get it soon because not knowing the answer to my question is causing me a lot of edginess and anxiety. Normally I can be a little more patient, but something like this (( read my post from yesterday)) is something I have to know for a lot of reasons. I hate not knowing how people really feel about me it's unsettling. I am not feeling as nervous or anxious now, but I still want the answer really badly. I hope I can sleep better tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I was being a little selfish by asking him such a bold question. I don't know when he will answer, but I hope it's not too long. I hope I didn't make him feel rushed... I kind of come off like that sometimes.

I went on a walk 3 times around our local track in the morning right after I sent him the text, it helped a little. I usually only do it in the night, but I really felt like it right then. I had to get out of the house, I felt to on the edge.

I spent most of my day trying to keep calm by listening to music, watching anime, and doing stuff on facebook and Destiny Online. It did help a little, enough for me not to feel like I was going crazy from anxiety anymore.

I fell asleep again around 11am. I slept for another good 2 or 2 and a half hours. I woke up to my dad asking i I wanted to go to the store. I said yeah, and then fell back asleep for about another 20 minutes. I found him in the back yard and him, me and my sister went to the store not to long after that.

I just bought a few things like chicken and oranges, stuff like that. I was going to buy a movie at Costco as well but decided to wait until the end of the month for that kind of thing. When we were getting the roasted chicken I usually get we decided to wait 10 minutes until the next batch came in. While we were waiting for the new chickens to be done roasting we ran into one of my friends and her mom. This particular friend also has some disabilities. We somehow got into a discussion about getting jobs, like how we were going about looking for jobs and the obstacles that were in our way. My dad actually did most of the talking. We talked about my vision and my Vocational Rehab thing, and about how I'm trying to get a job and how I am doing it. The conversation lasted for a good 10 minutes or so. When it was over we said our goodbyes and went back to what we were doing.

We went back to where the roasted chickens were, they were just putting the new ones out. We picked one and then went along with our business. We got milk and my sister got a few things like chips and cat litter.

After I got all the stuff I was going to get, I of course went straight for the books.  I looked through them for a little bit and found this book about various sciences that had a lot of good pictures and I got it. I was going to get two but decided to wait just like I did with the movie (which actually happened after this).

We separated my stuff and my sisters stuff into two different karts and we bought separately. I got done first and had to wait a few minutes for her to go through the line.

We left after this, but we had to also go to Harmon's to pick up my sister's prescription. My dad went inside as well looking for floor shine for the kitchen floor. I just walked to the isle with all the arts and crafts stuff and looked around for a minute. I didn't find anything I needed though. My dad and my ister were pretty much done by this time anyway. We left after this and went home. I was really hungry and ate some of the chicken right when I got home.

I just went back to what I had been doing before I feel asleep and before I went to the store, nothing really exciting. I did end up sleeping even more, for another 2 or so hours. I was wiped out. One thing that really surprised me is that I actually dreamed about getting the answer from Sam. I thought that was a bit surprising, but I guess I shouldn't have. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, even now I can't get it off my mind it's really important to me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised about having a dream where he answered me. I know it's a bit insane, but this is just how my brain works when I really, truly want something. 

Nothing really exciting happened after this. I did go back to the track right before I started posting this, and walked another 3 laps around it. I had my iPhone with me this time and I listened to music while I walked and thought about stuff. I also almost went back to Harmons for fun but decided not to. I was actually going to do this instead of walk around the track. I think I needed the walk though.

I guess this is all. I don't think anything else is going to happen, it would be cool if it did though. :)

Anyway, going back to watching anime now.

Theory

It's funny what kind of things can appear in your dreams.  I dream about things like breathing under water, sky diving, strange lands made of really random objects that are just lying around in real life that have absolutely nothing to do with architecture, mythical creatures, and most of all friends. The thing that gets to me, the reason why I am writing about this today is that I feel like I need to write out a theory I have about my dreams. For the past 8 or 9 years I have been having dreams where Darik appears just randomly out of nowhere. Darik has been in my dreams for so long I never even think of it now usually but I thought that I should at least think about it once. I have come up with a few thoughts about this.

Well, some of you know I don't really have a crush on Darik or have those kind of romantic feelings towards him. Darik is however an important person to me. My first theory has to do with this. I kind of see him as somewhat of a role model, someone to look up to, I always have in some kind of way. I have always thought he is amazing in a lot of ways. I had a crush on Darik on top of this for a long time so I think that those two trains of thought just caused my sub conscious to put him in my dreams so often. I don't look up to very many other people, or like very many other people as much as I like him. My sub conscious always puts people in my dreams that I either think about, or sometimes people that I have strong feelings for.  So my firs theory is that I dream about him just mainly because he has been such a prominent figure in my life for so long, half of it to be exact. My subconscious decided to just randomly, but often put him in my dreams for this fact. Darik kind of has a unique position in my heart, and in my life in general. Meeting Darik changed me in a lot of ways, and you just don't forget something like that.  I do think about him sometimes, I guess that could be another reason.  The impact he has had on my life, I don't really know how to summon it up in words, but i'm pretty sure that is the reason I dream about hm so often, because he has had such a huge impact on my life. My feelings for him are very strong, and I know this both sub consciously and consciously, this could be the cause.

I had a crush on Darik for a long time, my feelings were starting to get stronger though 8 years ago. I decided that it was probably better if I supress my feelings or make them go away somehow. I was starting to like other people and I didn't want my feelings for him to get in the way, they were kind of beginning to make things weird with us, so I decided that since I was starting to be interested in other people I would force myself to get over him. I did succeed for the most part. I am pretty sure my feelings for him are still there, somewhere locked behind an iron door where they won't ever get out. My feelings for him, if they ever did come back I know they would be a lot more mature than they were last time I let them roam free. My second theory is about this. I have a theory that somewhere in my deep sub conscious I really do have feelings for him and they are causing me to dream about him. I don't think this is as probable as the first theory though. Even if I did still have feelings for him I doubt they would be strong enough, prominent enough to ignite such a reaction in my sub conscious.  I don't know though since if I do have sub conscious feelings for him they might have evolved to a strong level, my heart sometimes does that with certain feelings sometimes. If i have a dormant feeling or though sometimes it just becomes stronger, and then eventually lets loose. I don't think this is the scenario in this case though. It is more probable that my first theory is the right one.

these are my main two theories on this. I will most likely end up thinking about this more in the future though since it is really interesting to me how my brain works. Sometimes my brain does strange things.

I'm glad I got these thoughts out.

cooking and...

I really need to learn how to cook. I can never thin of anything to eat, I know that this is the reason. I never really learned how to cook. I’m convinced that when I do this problem will disappear. I suppose I’ve been afraid of cooking a little bit because of my vision, and because you can get burned and a good number of other situations could arise. I honestly think I could do it though. If I can cook stuff from a can or box, or follow directions for a cake I should be able to do the other stuff as well. Plus I have good patience.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.  I never really got a chance to learn how to cook because my mom and dad were always working and my other family members were busy with stuff as well.  I suppose I could have taught myself but I don’t think I could have gotten very far on my won that way.

Another strange thing is that my mom was a piano teacher for years but yet I do not know how to play the piano. I sort of regret not learning now. I have so many songs that go through my head that I can’t get out because I can’t write music and I don’t play any intstrument. i always doubted myself when I was younger if i would be able to play the piano. I know it would be hard but I think I could do it now for sure. My mom had to get a job and quit her piano teaching. So when I decided I would probably like to learn how to play the piano my chance was gone. I think she might be able to quit soon in a few months though so i should get another chance. I really want to share my music with the world. 

Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. :)

Nothing much has happened today so no need to write about today. I’ve just been chilling out at home watching videos. Hope something exciting will happen tomorrow though. :)

Apology after the Rain...

It’s really early right now, I slept for 7 hours already and I did not feel like sleeping any more. I get this a lot. Sometimes i feel like staying up late but I actually like waking up early, it’s kind of fun to watch daylight come.

Sorry about my last post I feel like I need to sort of apologize, you will most likely see me venting like that on more than one occasion, so don’t be surprised. I don’t feel any shame in telling what I want to tell, it does not help to keep things bottled up inside. Sometimes I write down stuff like that for my own good. I have a bad habit of keeping things to myself and I just explode sooner or later. I hear you can shorten your lifespan if you don’t talk about what you are stressed about, I’m just trying to avoid causing myself health problems. ha ha. I think of a blog as a place where I don’t have to be afraid to express myself. A lot of stuff I write, or at least a good amount of stuff I write is stuff I would not e comfortable saying out loud but probably should. it’s sort of another way I communicate with people, it’s a lot easier this way sometimes. I mean some things should just be said out loud but some things are just to hard or embarrassing for me to say out loud so I jut have to write it down instead… I mean I don’t go spilling out EVERYTHING onto my blog of course, I know very well what should or should not be written down. I am not afraid of anyone reading what I say on here. I do not write down stuff that I would not feel comfortable with people reading. I really have nothing to hide, it’s just a bit more easy for me to talk about some stuff in writing as I said above somewhere.

I couldn’t think of anything to write about yesterday, or I just didn’t know how to put it into words. I get that problem a lot. I have so much to say sometimes but don’t know how to say it exactly, this keeps me from writing sometimes.

Anyway, I think I will wait until a bit later to write any more than this it is to early in the day to have anything that great to write about right now anyway.

Uneasy

I don’t like lying to myself. I always say that college was to hard for me, that was a lie. I just did not have any motivation, or confidence in myself. if I could have had a little more at least things could have turned out better for me. I am always making up excuses so I can take the easy way out. I was just to lazy to do anything back then, I took everything for granted. I have a bad habit of making excuses for everything I do wrong. Now people have the wrong idea that I am not capable. I know how capable I am even more than they do though. It is my body and my life obviously I know more than they do about what I feel and what I see and how I do things.

Truth is I don’t like this SSI thing I’m trying to get. It has involved me making a bunch of outrageous over statements. I know that I am majorally exaggerating. I m only getting it because it’s easier on my parents, that is all. Truth is I feel guilty for even trying to get it because I know I can get a job and stuff but it would create a lot of hassle that I don’t want. I feel like people are trying to think for me. I don’t even want to correct them because it is so exhausting.  From my point of view it seems everyone around me thinks they know so much about what I can and can’t do. I guess that is my fault for not caring enough to be completely honest. I know it very well but I am tired of correcting people.

I went to a psychologist about a month or more ago. I had to go for my possibility to being accepted for SSI. She asked a lot of questions, my dad kept on trying to answer them. This is one of my pet peeves, one of my stronger ones. he just automatically assumes me knows more about me that i know about myself. This is what it looks like from my viewpoint anyway. I was so irritated the whole time, all i could think abut is how much I wanted him to shut up and let me talk but I was to exasperated to do so. This was after all, my time to talk to the psychologist, I was supposed to be answering the questions not him. I was SO happy when she made him g out of the room. I don’t think my dad knows enough about me to start talking for me.  Some of you reading this might be in my family, sorry if that seems a bit harsh but I really needed to speak out about this. If I think you know more about something than I do I will just voice it and say it would be better off coming from your lips, don’t just decide weather or not to speak for me on your own if I haven’t said so. I’m not stupid, and I know what I am talking about when it comes to my life. And don’t go lecturing me about what I write on my blog, I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, I am just trying to say some things that do not come out easy for me when i speak normally. I guess I tend to tell the truth a little more when I write it down. If you don’t like anything I write on my blog then don’t read it please.

I walked, and I walked...

There is this track around where I live. I haven't ever really thought of it as a place to go and think when I'm stressed I haven't gone over very many times in the past. 

I've been just cooped up in here and i've been so solitary and I haven't ben paying very much to the outside and what's around me. I became afraid of everything outside and I didn't even think of going out. 

About a  week ago people were out on the field that the track surrounds and they were playing soccer. Some schools play soccer on that field. I trusted my instincts for the first time in a long time and began walking over to the track. I never noticed how badly I truly wanted to get out, how trapped I truly felt. I felt an explosion of thoughts and I felt so good because the field wa so wide and I felt like it was okay to think them in this big open space it felt really good. They just poured out and I walked and walked and let them al out sometimes I talked to myself when no one was around it felt so good! I hadn't walked very much in a long time as well I also noticed that and it felt good too1

I'd been letting my thoughts just build up and build up and i've been getting stressed and less happy I never truly noticed that until I went out. I couldn't express myself inside the house because someone might walk in and find me crying or making strange faces or something like that. 

I've been going out as many days as I can more than once  a day sometimes for the last week. I never really noticed how many people play sports and stuff on that field. I'm glad I have a place like that it feels like its mine. 

That was also the same moment I realized I needed to come back to xanga after being gone for so long. I have all these thoughts and I didn't share them like I should have.