The Kindness of Others

 

Yesterday when I was reading it dawned on me why I love to observe people so much. Observing is like watching a story unfold. Everyone is an unfinished book still being written. The more you watch them, but more of their story you get to see. I love books because it's like jumping into their life, listening to their thoughts, and BECOMING a part of their life. It's like observing on a whole different level and in a whole different way. I have never noticed this before consciously. I am quite aware of everything and everyone around me, I just love watching and listening to everyone's stories unfold before my eyes. My life can be exciting, but so can other people's too. Everyone's book is different, no one has the same story. Our lives have twists and turns, tragedy and triumph, balance and imbalance. At the same time we are both authors and co-authors. The way we write our lives can influence the story of another person, and if we mess up thankfully a lot of the time someone can help us fix our story. This is a very cool thing to think about, I've never thought about life this way until yesterday night, it makes life seem more interesting.

I shamelessly slept in today until 2:30 in the afternoon. As I was listening to music on my computer with my lights turned off trying to wake up I accidentally blew my nose too much and caused myself to get a nosebleed. It wasn't a bad one, it was bad enough to need toilet paper though, at least a little. Getting nosebleeds in the morning is one of my least favorite things. It is very rare for me to get a nosebleed at all, but when I do get them they usually drain my livelyness for a little bit. I was glad when it was gone, I just went back to what I was doing.

Last night I found myself looking at pictures of Darik and listening to music. One would argue that it doesn't make sense because I love Ronnie, but things aren't so black and white with me. When I feel uneasy, uncertain, unbalanced, and insecure I tend to latch onto Darik more. One would have to understand the complexity of my side of our relationship in order to understand why I latch onto him instead of Ronnie sometimes. When I feel threatened in any way for a very long time I used him as a shield to protect me. Darik and I have always had a sort of distant, but complicated relationship. The complicated part is pretty much on my end, but it's this complicated part that makes me feel like I can rely on him to protect my heart better than anyone (yes even Ronnie) except for God. He doesn't even have to do anything, just his existence, his heart, his mind, the way he is brings me comfort. Just knowing there is someone out there that is so wonderful, angelic even, just makes me feel safe. He is by no means perfect, but he doesn't need to be. My relationship with him might sound weird, but it's pretty much second nature to me now. I am used to feeling so attached to him while at the same time keeping my distance physically. I have to do this because I am so prone to being pulled in by him and if I let myself get to close I'll end up getting hurt. I know Darik isn't the one, so I play my cards carefully. I do love Darik, but it's different. I was looking at his pictures this morning too, gaining my sense of inner balance and comfort back. I have to do this sometimes when Ronnie and I don't get to talk very often. Ronnie can't yet offer me the kind of comfort that Darik does mainly because Darik lives closer, and I have known him longer. These two things are very important to me. I'll explain more when I do "The Twin Dilemma" Part 5 soon. 

I was minding my own business when my mom came into my room and said I got a package from StumbleUpon. If any of you aren't familiar with it I suggest you look it up. I have been using their website and stuff for a long time and recently I got to 7k likes on SU. I knew they were going to send me a T-shirt, but I wasn't expecting the other stuff. All the items in the picture above are what I got from them. The T-shirt underneath, 2 pens, stickers, 2 little buttons, 2 mug holders, a mug, ping pong balls, and some sunglasses. I was blown away by their kindness and the fact that they gave me all this cool stuff just for using their website. I do not regret using it now, they are such nice people and have always been so amazing. I don't think they do this for everyone, so I feel kind of special and it totally brightened up my day. I am not used to getting stuff in the mail, let alone gifts of any kind! The T-shirt is awesome and comfortable and fits well, and I am planning on using the mug soon for tea.

I got 3/4 of the way through the book I am reading. I have only been officially reading it since yesterday. The Hourglass series by Lisa Mangum is truly amazing and it pulls you in so much. Once again I found myself literally becoming one with the story, I felt like I was the main character and I was going through what she was going through. It's amazing just how into it I can get. That is the main reason I slept in so late, is because I was UP late. haha.

Today has been very calm and uneventful. I watched Aristocats and Pocahontas with my nieces while I was babysitting them earlier. I taught one of them a few yoga poses, we laughed and joked around and it was fun. My sister left out some of the snacks for us to eat while she was out with Ben (ex husband) Christmas shopping.

My sister made grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup for dinner when she got home. She is a lot better at making them than I am. After we ate I read some more of my book, surfed some sites using SU, and also did some stuff on Pinterest.

It has felt like a Saturday today, on occasion through the day I would forget it is actually Thursday. I've been pretty relaxed, calm, and laid back today.  The snow has pretty much melted, but it was another cold day today. Nothing very dramatic happened today, it was quiet and peaceful. I was deep in thought about the past and about friends. I let my emotions stir and turn around inside my head without trying to stop them. During school it was a bit harder to have moments like these because I was so worried about homework and passing my classes.

I hope tomorrow will bring something interesting. I love twists.

EDIT: Oh yeah, since it's 12 days until Christmas here is something special I think you guys will like. All the indevidual days are below the main video. :)

12 Days of Christmas

Windy Thursdays

So today I went shopping again. I bought some oranges, apples, juice, garbage bags, yogurt, and a few other things. I really enjoy going to the store, or going out in general. I haven't gotten out very much in the past couple of years. I am trying to do something about this now but used to spend almost every waking moment alone, except for times with my family on occasion i the evenings, and church on Sundays. You know I have had a bit of trouble with running away from my problems in the past. I never really allowed myself to want to go anywhere, or be around anyone. I was always afraid I would get in the way of my family members or my friends or other people if I decided to be free, so I confined myself to my computer in my room for 3 years nearly.  I can tell this hasn't been healthy emotionally for me at all. I have just made it so it's harder for me to be around people,  I am trying to change this now.

I am glad I am finally thinking more about myself, what I want, what I need, what I want to do, without being selfish. It's so refreshing to let myself think freely, write freely, do stuff freely. I am going to possibly, maybe learn how to use the bus system over here. I think it would help me a lot, and make it easier for me to get a job even. One of my problems with getting a job is transportation. My family is very busy and a lot of the time they can't drive me places, this has caused me not to want to go places in the past because I felt like I was being a burden. If you have read a decent amount of my previous posts you know that being a burden on people is a big deal to me. I really like to make things as easy for people as I can. 

It's windy and cold today, these types of days make me think a lot and bring out a lot of emotion. i don't know what it is about wind but it always makes my mind restless and come alive. I think this is the reason I hate it when the weather is also cold. Cold weather provokes my negative and depressing thoughts sometimes. It's funny how the weather can sometimes really change your mood. I prefer the summer, or the spring. The flowers and all the plants in the spring and summer and even the leaves in the early fall make my imagination, and positive thoughts come out and make me feel energetic and relaxed. 

Anyway, sorry if this entry wasn't that interesting. I'm working on a few kind of long ones right now, can't wait until I am finished and I can post them on here.  I just don't feel right if I skip a day of posting. I love Xanga that much.  I'm just trying to pull whatever I can out of my head right now while at the same time trying not to share to many thoughts at once. if I share everything all at once what will I have left to share? 

I Feel the music

 (EDIT: 2014 - Inserted picture is from an anime called "K-ON")

I've always felt the music. Ever since I was a baby it has always penetrated my heart and soul, wrapped me in its chains and never let me go for any reason. Music is a part of me, it pierces me like a knife, it gives me the chills like the wind, it drenches me like the rain, and burns me like fire. 

It resounds in my head, a never ending symphony of eternal music. I can't stop it I can't control it, I don't even want to control it, I let it control me without complaints. Its always there, the music is always there inside my head, singing to me, dancing for me, moving for me. 

There is but one love I have that I love equally if not stronger and that fuels me to love the music even more. My beautiful gift for writing, it also has its beautiful chains wrapped around me. I breathe for both, I live for both, I'll die loving them both. I want to share this gift with the world, sadly I do not play any instruments yet. That is the one mistake that I should have not made. The only one time I have betrayed music, the only time I have waisted it. 

I hoe some day I can weave my two gifts together and open people's hearts with my songs. When I do manage to entwine them successfully they pierce other people's hearts as well. My heart, my soul, my love is what makes those words so strong and unbreakable, what makes me so unbreakable, I'm only unbreakable when those two gifts work together. 

If music embraces you or one of your children don't try and push it away it will take care of them like hardly any person will on this earth, ti will shape their minds to be strong if you lt it grow, it will flower in their minds and open their imaginations. Don't keep it in a box, don't treat it like trash, don't treat it like something everyone can have. Not everyone can fell and appreciate the music, not everyone can see it's true beauty.

Willy Wonka

Man it would be so cool if he was real. People need to learn how to use their imagination the way he used his. I seriously believe that if we all did that people would be a lot happier. 

I don't mean the NEW Willy Wonka I mean the old one from the old "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" movie.

People need to learn how to think outside the box more we don't do that enough these days and need to learn how to again. There are so many people that judge others and think they're right and think that what they believe is right. Its okay to believe what you believe but don't shove it in peoples faces without their consent. People are becoming afraid of change and they fear what comes next when they should be excited. What fun is living if you always know what is going to happen next. 

People need to stop being greedy and selfish. the root of all our problems these days is money and selfishness. Everything bad that is happening in this world has to do with everything that I just mentioned above. We re at war because we think outside the box. Our economy is crashing because we are being unwise with money and we are being greedy and not using it right. We are being selfish and not thinking about helping others its all about me me me me me! Well I have news for you its not all about you and thinking that way is just going to make the world worse. The whole world just needs to suck it up and get with the program. People use this world like its something they can just play with and not take care of. The bad people are rising and the good people are becoming to timid to do anything its a disgrace. 

I read about these old days and I hear about them from my parents and grand parents and things used to be different. Sure there was disease and war but we were all together we knew what was important and not important but somewhere along the way we lost our way and now we're screwing ourselves.  We listen to what is popular and what is good from someone else instead of listening to ourselves and being ourselves. We're letting this government throw us around like rag dolls and they're taking advantage of that. THE PEOPLE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE GOVERNMENT THE GOVERNMENT IS SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE PEOPLE! Other wise they get greedy and power hungry and they stop doing things the the good of everyone else and start thinking of what they want and what they need and they stop thinking about us. this is happening to us and we are just ignoring it. 

This post was supposed to be about chocolate and candy but look where it went. Willy Wonka even though he was fictional was a great person! We can be like him we can have good imaginations and so what we like and we don't have to stay inside our little boxes. Its time for us to break out!

The More I Think About it the More I am Confused!!

Have you ever been in the situation where someone asks you what you want to for a career path you think you know what you want to do and you start talking about it but the more you talk about it the more you think of other stuff you want to do? It happened to me the other day.

I was talking to a job counselor the other day and we were talking about my future plans. I started by saying that I wanted to be an english teacher but as the conversation progressed I slowly changed to a job where I could work with computers. So now I have plans to do something with computers like be a technician or a web designer, or something like that. I never thought I didn't know what I wanted to do until I started talking about it it was so weird.

I now realize that I should have considered the fact that my interest don't match up with m abilities that much. The only thing that i'm really interested in and that I'm able to do is stuff with computers. I have a  hard time learning but when it comes to stuff that has to do with computers it just makes sense. I never once thought about the fact that I'm better at stuff that has to do with computers than I am with writing. I love to write and I love to read, I though that I would want to be a writer but now I think I just want to be a blogger, a professional blogger on top of the tech job I choose. I think that's perfect for me. 

Anyway no other thoughts on this right now. ha ha.