I Can't Do It and That's Fine

I've always been a very ambitious person my entire life. Any top career that exists I've probably aspired to it at least once. Growing up I always struggled in school though and had to have a lot of help. All the way through high school I had a lot of help. I'm grateful I was able to get through school with a diploma. I think I grew up with very poor homework skills because of the extra help though. I was pretty much bribed to try. When I got to college I naturally crashed and burned. I had depression because of other stuff and took a break for a few years. I went back and did a few semesters, but I have never been able to get past the general classes. I did do my electives and a few prep English classes, but I hit a huge wall I couldn't overcome.

Four years ago I crashed and burned again and started to question whether or not I wanted to bother with college. I know that sometimes it's good to push through and to do more than you think you can sometimes, but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say no. I love learning, but the truth is I believe I am incompatible with college. I am great at learning on my own, but if you put me in a classroom I will cease to function properly. I do not do well with third parties and time constraints. So I decided, I quit. I'm never going back and I am happy with that choice. I could probably find some way to do it, but it would probably come at the cost of my mental health too. It's no longer worth it to me if I have to give up my sanity and I would probably at some time have to go into debt to finish, so forget it.

I won't become anything and I am fine with that now. I will just live the rest of my life student debt free and work a normal low paying job and I will be happy because I know what is important to me. I was never able to figure out what I wanted to do anyway. I want to learn as much as I can on my own and use my knowledge in my own way. I have a lot of interests, so I'll just learn as much as I can about everything on my own. I will find a way to be self employed if I can because I really hate working for other people. If I can't do that I will be fine though. As long as I try my best to make it happen even if I fail and end up working a low paying job for the rest of my life I'll be happy because I tried my best.

I tried my best at college and failed because I'm not willing to go crazy over it. I won't sacrifice my mental health for a job either. I've been there before and I don't ever want to go through that again. No one should have to do that. I know not everyone has the luxury of giving up, but my life circumstances enable me to do so. I have enough support that I will be fine, and so I'm just going to do what I want.

Wouldn't it be funny if this ended up being how I make a living? Just a thought. :)

Face Blindness

It’s been around 8 months since I got into kpop. It’s been really fun and kpop has helped me through a lot of my problems. It’s also helped me stay sane during this pandemic. One thing people might not know is that at the beginning it was really hard for me to tell any kpop idols apart.

Apparently I have a problem with face blindness sometimes when it comes to Asian people. I think it might happen with other people too, but I haven’t experienced  it much. I think it’s improved a lot, but back when I first got into kpop I had to put a lot of effort into being able to tell anyone apart. I have a photographic memory and I usually have an easy time with faces most of the time. I guess with certain people it’s harder though. I am legally blind, so I guess it makes sense for this problem to come up sometimes. I have enough vision that it isn’t a big problem thankfully.

This was the first time I’d ever noticed how bad it could get. Face blindness is super weird. I was aware that they all looked different, but at the same time they looked the same in a lot of ways, and my brain had a lot of trouble assigning identities to certain faces. Months later I’m amazed this used to happen. Everyone looks so different now and i can easily tell people apart. NCT / WayV were my first group. Most of my issues happened with them.

I have a nearly perfect memory for people, so it was kind of disorienting to go through this for a while. I mean, even if I don’t always visually memorize people, I always remember them in other ways. It wouldn’t have been a complete loss if I hadn’t gotten adapted. I still hate going through that kind of thing though. I don’t think it’ll be the last time it’ll happen, but hopefully it doesn’t happen a lot. I hope my brain adapts faster if it does happen again.

Storm & Calm

You know that January 6th is a hard day for me. I lost the friendship of someone I cared about 4 years ago on that day. This year the memories of that day still haunt me, but they weren’t the hardest thing I had to deal with.

I really hate politics, and so having to go through the drama of having Biden’s victory certified was very stressful. I just wanted Trump out of office. I have had to be careful about seeing or hearing anything related to Donald Trump since the voting last November. Every time I see him or hear his name my heart starts pounding out of my chest. The entire time he was president I had a tight anxious feeling. I hated every minute of him being president. I was curious at first, but that faded really fast. I don’t know what would have happened if he had won, but I’m glad I’ll never have to figure that out.

So I guess my memories of my friend went on the back burner this year. My thoughts were utterly consumed with carefully navigating the news all day on January 6th. I also did my best to avoid as much as i could while still trying to keep myself informed on at least a minimal level. I didn’t want to give myself an anxiety attack and cause myself more stress than I needed, so I chose what I read very carefully. It was a very tight balancing act I guess you could say.

Anyway, I stayed up last night until the very end of it all. I am glad that Donald Trump has finally given up. He makes a better reality TV star if you ask me.

I was so relieved to have this all over that I just chilled out, played games, and listened to music all day yesterday. It’s 1am on the 8th as I write this. I feel at peace with the political situation for the first time in a long time. My feelings toward my lost friend will probably be with me for a long time, but they are healing. I just hope January 6th turns out to be a better day for me next year. I hope I am able to go out and escape my thoughts and everything next year.