So this is turning out to be longer than I thought so I will make this into 2 parts. Here is the first one...
First I have to write about something that is totally getting on my nerves and has for the last 7 years or so. I admitted defeat for the longest time but I refuse to back down anymore.
So there is this guy named Darik. Darik and I have known each other for 10 years. I still remember the very first time I met him. It was on my first day of 6th grade. I was late that day, and the only seat left was one next to him. I remember this so well because it was the only day in the whole school year I ever sat by him.
Anyway, I thought I would just add that for fun as a first thought.
Darik and I never had any classes at all in any school year after that. We hardly ever saw each other at all for that matter. I was cool with this for the most part and it didn't really stop me from wanting to be his friend.
I had a really bad habit of switching from his twin brother Dylan, to him so far as who I liked the most. Dylan is a different story entirely so I won't talk about him much in this post.
I stopped doing that in the 8th grade due to a couple of things. First was that I really started to realize how annoying I was getting and I should decide on just one of them If I was going to like someone. The second thing was a dream I had that basically showed what would happen if I didn't stop what I was doing. I won't even get into the deal with my dreams it's complicated. Anyway, so the third factor in this was that I was starting to like other people besides Darik and Dylan. In fact Darik actually caught me confessing to my friend Cade, safe to say that pretty much shot the whole thing down at that point. I decided not to even go there anymore and just keep my feelings to myself at that point. That was the day I decided I would never let myself have any feelings for Darik beyond friendship and the whole thing just fell into place on it's own at that point.
I promise I'm getting somewhere with all these sideline stories.
I wasn't very great at controlling my feelings for people. I did something stupid and for some reason I can not even remember I decided to just shut Darik out entirely. I just decided to focus mainly on Dylan. I've always felt somewhat ignored by Darik, and for some reason he never seemed that interested in being friends with me from my point of view. I started to realize little things like this after I swore to myself I would never let him get close to me again.
I was a very dramatic person back then.
It was like this until the 10th grade when I felt like I had much more control over myself. I did cut him some slack at that point. I was still careful though to control my feelings carefully and not to slip. I don't really think anyone could ever understand why I like Darik and Dylan so much, even I don't get it sometimes.
By this time I had pretty much realized that they were not as perfect as I thought they were at first. I took this harder than I anticipated, it was really very strange. We all have a hard time grasping reality sometimes.
I got over it eventually though, it didn't take me long.
It took me a few months of wrestling with my conscious to realize that I really did care about Darik somewhat, I was really quite stubborn though and didn't give it much slack.
I don't know why but he totally got on my nerves a lot that year, and the year before for some reason. Either because of my utter defiance to admit I even liked him the slightest bit made me sort of edgy, or because of my friends very boldly egging me on so far as wanting nothing to do with him goes. I can tell you they definitely added more gasoline to the fire. I think I’m more guilty of talking trash about him than I am about anyone else in my whole existence. It was sort of a “I like you but I refuse to admit it.” kind of situation. When I get like that I sometimes have major swings in mood so far as the person goes. Especially when those times came around, the ones where I slipped and admitted to myself that I really did really care about him a lot. I turned around and as the saying goes “dug my heels into the ground”, and refused to move at all. Yes I was a very confused person when it came to this matter at that point in time. I used to get mad at him for the most random things, it was crazy.
I was always nice to him in person to the best of my memory.
I started to loosen up a little more over the passing months, not a lot though.
And then one day my ex- best friend's boyfriend told me all this stuff they were saying about me. I took it hard back then. I confronted Darik about it, but he denied it. I just dropped it at this point, well, after a few days of pondering over a bunch of stuff. I decided that even if it was true I didn't really care. For some reason I decided to give Dylan the silent treatment for the rest of the school year and beyond. I believe that lasted until just before they left the school. I didn't even bother doing the same to Darik since I was pretty convinced at the time that I didn't like him anyway, so it made no difference weather or not he liked me for real or not., and I hardly talked to him already.
It was like this clear until the 11th grade. Actually nothing much changed even after they left the school. I was still as stubborn as ever. I have to admit though, I did sort of let go a few times when I emailed him. I don't even remember what I talked about. I actually still have one he sent me. I had completely forgotten about it and I found it while I was looking through my things just 2 days ago. I had printed it out... Still glad I did that.
I'm almost done with the long explanation... I'll get to the important part in a bit.
This brings me to one of the stupidest things I ever did. It was on the valentine's day after they left the school. I made this poster for Dylan, attached a letter, a bunch of candy bars, wrote it was for the both of them, when it was pretty obvious that it wasn't. I got scolded by Dylan not to long after that for addressing it to Darik as well when it really had nothing to do with him in all honesty. It was a scolding by my definition anyway. I totally deserved that. Dylan liked it though to the best of my knowledge.
Yeah... sorry getting off track here.
Things were pretty much the same, not much changed until they went on their missions. Except those few times I caught darik online from my senior year of high school until college. I wasn't very nice to him on occasion on myspace. Something I almost forgot to mention... Then I began to read their blog posts as they went throughout their mission. I came to see both of them in a new light. It took me about a year to completely admit that I could let Darik in even then though... for the most part anyway. I am a stubborn person as I have said before... I think.
I never wrote either or them even once those whole 2 years. I had a lot of other stuff to worry about.
It was a little weird for me when they came home. I had hardly talked to either or them for almost 3 years. I was still happy to see them though.
I finally acknowledged that I liked both of them equally for the first time that day they had the homecoming.
Things were pretty silent after that. I mean, I learned that they both joined facebook not to long after that. I never really said to much to them. I really had nothing to say. I commented on a few things here and there but never actually talked to them about anything in particular. Oh wait, well now that I think about it I did talk to them about what I wanted to do when I went to college, and stuff like that. And this one time in the middle of he night me and Darik talked on facebook for a few minutes. I'm actually still really shocked he even said anything to me. He was even the one that asked me first why I was still awake at 4am in the morning... That really caught me off guard. That was a while ago.
I have been really quite careful not to expect anything from either of them ever since they came home so far as talking to me goes, or ever replying to me on facebook. I mostly just comment on stuff for fun, or simply because I can. I know how busy they are so I'm not stupid enough to expect any replies from either of them at all... most of the time that is. Sometimes I get way ahead of myself and start expecting stuff... which isn't likely. Sometimes my optomism really has a down side, I let myself get to hopeful or excited and I end up getting dropped off a cliff...
But you know, there is a fine line between flat out ignoring me, and just being busy. I guess I'm not really getting ahead of myself too much here.
And here we are now finally, to the part I have been trying to get to...
This is already pretty long so I will cut off here. I will post the other part soon...
EDIT: here is the link to the other part
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