The Anxiety

So yesterday night about an hour and a half after I finished writing my last post I discovered that Sam had texted me. He told me that he would answer my question if I answered his. He asked me how well I really knew him. This question really puzzled me at first, and I didn't know how to answer it for a while. Actually, I came up with multiple possible answers, I didn't know which one to give. It was past midnight at this time, and so I didn't want to text him back just in case he was asleep or something. This made things really hard because I knew I would not get the answer until I answered his question first. I really wanted that answer really badly and this made me really anxious. I was strung up all night and my heart was pounding, I couldn't sleep until probably 5:30am. All I could think of all night was how I was going to answer the question and when I was going to answer it.  Nothing seemed to be able to calm me down, I felt irritated, kind of scared, anxious, hyper, and really curious at the same time.  On top of this I felt a little guilty and frusterated for not noticing his text earlier.

I finally got 3 hours of sleep after a long, hard night. I sent my reply as soon as I woke up. I have been waiting for his reply all day. I really hope I get it soon because not knowing the answer to my question is causing me a lot of edginess and anxiety. Normally I can be a little more patient, but something like this (( read my post from yesterday)) is something I have to know for a lot of reasons. I hate not knowing how people really feel about me it's unsettling. I am not feeling as nervous or anxious now, but I still want the answer really badly. I hope I can sleep better tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I was being a little selfish by asking him such a bold question. I don't know when he will answer, but I hope it's not too long. I hope I didn't make him feel rushed... I kind of come off like that sometimes.

I went on a walk 3 times around our local track in the morning right after I sent him the text, it helped a little. I usually only do it in the night, but I really felt like it right then. I had to get out of the house, I felt to on the edge.

I spent most of my day trying to keep calm by listening to music, watching anime, and doing stuff on facebook and Destiny Online. It did help a little, enough for me not to feel like I was going crazy from anxiety anymore.

I fell asleep again around 11am. I slept for another good 2 or 2 and a half hours. I woke up to my dad asking i I wanted to go to the store. I said yeah, and then fell back asleep for about another 20 minutes. I found him in the back yard and him, me and my sister went to the store not to long after that.

I just bought a few things like chicken and oranges, stuff like that. I was going to buy a movie at Costco as well but decided to wait until the end of the month for that kind of thing. When we were getting the roasted chicken I usually get we decided to wait 10 minutes until the next batch came in. While we were waiting for the new chickens to be done roasting we ran into one of my friends and her mom. This particular friend also has some disabilities. We somehow got into a discussion about getting jobs, like how we were going about looking for jobs and the obstacles that were in our way. My dad actually did most of the talking. We talked about my vision and my Vocational Rehab thing, and about how I'm trying to get a job and how I am doing it. The conversation lasted for a good 10 minutes or so. When it was over we said our goodbyes and went back to what we were doing.

We went back to where the roasted chickens were, they were just putting the new ones out. We picked one and then went along with our business. We got milk and my sister got a few things like chips and cat litter.

After I got all the stuff I was going to get, I of course went straight for the books.  I looked through them for a little bit and found this book about various sciences that had a lot of good pictures and I got it. I was going to get two but decided to wait just like I did with the movie (which actually happened after this).

We separated my stuff and my sisters stuff into two different karts and we bought separately. I got done first and had to wait a few minutes for her to go through the line.

We left after this, but we had to also go to Harmon's to pick up my sister's prescription. My dad went inside as well looking for floor shine for the kitchen floor. I just walked to the isle with all the arts and crafts stuff and looked around for a minute. I didn't find anything I needed though. My dad and my ister were pretty much done by this time anyway. We left after this and went home. I was really hungry and ate some of the chicken right when I got home.

I just went back to what I had been doing before I feel asleep and before I went to the store, nothing really exciting. I did end up sleeping even more, for another 2 or so hours. I was wiped out. One thing that really surprised me is that I actually dreamed about getting the answer from Sam. I thought that was a bit surprising, but I guess I shouldn't have. I couldn't stop thinking about it all day, even now I can't get it off my mind it's really important to me. I guess I shouldn't be surprised about having a dream where he answered me. I know it's a bit insane, but this is just how my brain works when I really, truly want something. 

Nothing really exciting happened after this. I did go back to the track right before I started posting this, and walked another 3 laps around it. I had my iPhone with me this time and I listened to music while I walked and thought about stuff. I also almost went back to Harmons for fun but decided not to. I was actually going to do this instead of walk around the track. I think I needed the walk though.

I guess this is all. I don't think anything else is going to happen, it would be cool if it did though. :)

Anyway, going back to watching anime now.