Connections

If there is one thing I really hate it is losing contact with people I care about. I am just going to admit right here and now that I keep tabs on all of my friends, even the ones I haven’t seen for over a decade or more. I get uneasy when it comes to being completely disconnected from people I’ve had ties with, so I just never let it happen. I have a super sharp memory for people so this helps me a lot to never lose anyone. A lot of people when they haven’t seen someone for a long time memories fade and so do feelings, but this has never been the case with me in the slightest. Once you enter any kind of relationship with me you are pretty much permanently cemented inside my heart for life. I’m the kind of person that cannot see someone for 10 years and feel like nothing ever happened, like we knew each other the whole entire time if I see that someone again. There is actually a very good example of how solid my memories and feelings are.

The very first person I remember thinking of as a friend was named Camron. Camron and I knew each other back in the 1^st grade, we were in a small class together along with I think 7 other people. Camron moved after that school year ended I think. I might have the time he moved slightly off inside my memory; I was pretty young back then after all. Camron was my first crush as well and the first person I really developed a deep liking for and a strong attachment to. I remember it always bugged me when he wasn’t there, I felt a lot more lonely. I remember one day when I saw he wasn’t there and I asked the teacher where he was and she said he had chicken pocks, I was sad about that. Actually for some strange reason because I don’t remember when he moved exactly right I sometimes wonder whether or not she was telling the truth. I guess I will never know, and I’m okay with that. I got in trouble a few times for staring at Camron in class. I just couldn’t help but keep my eyes on him every chance I got. We even sat with each other at lunch. I remember one day at lunch I was having a shy moment and I tried to hide from him behind the lid of my hot pink lunch box. I remember Camron was the only person I hung out on the playground and I LOVED to have him chase me, I just thought that was so fun. I think he knew I had a crush on him now that I really think about it, and sometimes I hid from him on the playground just to tease him a little. I’m pretty sure the memory I am thinking of was also when I learned that he was moving, I remember feeling disappointed and surprised. I actually remember saying goodbye to him right before he moved. To tell you the truth, it never sank in that he was gone.

After he moved I got an invitation to his birthday party, that made me really happy. I remember I gave him Play Doh for a birthday present. I wish I had given him something better now, something that he would remember forever. I suppose that is normal because he has always had a special place in my heart. The invitations to the birthday party were a pirate micky mouse, I kept that invitation clear until last year. I remember we decorated some kind of black hats, I literally covered mine in stickers. I remember someone, I think his mom thought that was so funny. We also went bowling, I remember getting Camron’s attention, I wanted him to watch me so badly. I was so happy when I had his attention. Sadly I don’t remember much more than this about the party. I remember I met his brother Austin for the first time though! Because I only met him once it took me a while to remember that. Anyway, that was the last time I thought I would see Camron, the future threw me a curveball however.

I’m just going to take a slight detour for a paragraph, it’s nessicary. The story goes on after this next paragraph.

I switched schools half way through the 2^nd grade and started going to the school for the visually impaired. Between the time he left and the time I switched schools I remember I was pretty much a loner on the playground.  I was part of a class of 8 people with visual impairments for 3 years, while I was with them I became very close with every one of them. It was in those three years that I struck up a friendship with Eric who would later become my best friend and would remain so all the way through high school. Eric and I didn’t exactly get along all the time when we were at school together, we actually got in fights almost every other day, but we liked each other none the less and we both knew this. Eric lost his dad not long after we started going to school with each other and I guess he felt like he could express his sadness and frustration to me. I knew he was sad and angry so I never held anything against him. Anyway I can talk more about Eric some other time, I have to finish my story about Camron.

Anyway, so I transferred schools again and started going to another local school half way through the 5^th grade. I went to a resource class for part of the day and a regular class for another part just like I did in the 1^st grade. I finished the rest of the fifth grade, to be honest it was really weird and I was in kind of a dream state and I didn’t fully comprehend most of what was going on in the regular classroom. In short I was quite confused and disoriented, something I am glad wore off in time. I had to go to summer school after the 5^th grade ended and guess where I ended up going to summer school? I ended up going to summer school at the same school that Camron went to! I hadn’t seen him for 4 years by this time but I still remembered him of course and I was very happy to see him. The only difference this time is that I was in my shy phase, so sadly I didn’t talk to him that much. This is something I regret still. I wasn’t sure what to say or what to do because I was just too surprised to see him. I can’t be absolutely sure of this, but I think he remembered me. I think that there I a possibility that he didn’t know what to say either to be quite frank. We were only with each other for I think 3 or 5 weeks, I can’t be sure though. I don’t really remember precisely how long summer school was that summer. One day when the class was playing capture the flag and I was playing off on the sidelines because I felt kind of awkward one of the teachers somehow got me to join the game. I told her that I wanted to be on Camron’s team. I wasn’t really expecting her to actually say this fact out loud but she did and I was really embarrassed about that. I don’t think I could have been any more transparent than that. I remember sitting at a table, I don’t know what we were talking about, but Camron was there. The first time I noticed he was there was in a similar situation, I don’t remember what we were doing but I think it was something in groups, I’m not sure. I must have sat somewhere close to him or heard his name or something. I was more than surprised to see him there that was the last thing I expected. One time I was chewing gum and I tried to stick it to the bottom of my seat, it got all over my fingers instead and I was caught, I’m pretty sure he saw that. Haha. While I was there we could do different things to ear tokens, like good behavior and stuff. The tokens were just little paper squares I’m pretty sure. Anyway, at the end of summer school we had this auction and I used my tokens on this stuffed crab, at least I think it was a stuffed crab. I was sitting somewhere near Camron and I remember feeling a little bit self-conscious. I was happy that I got to be around him for a little while longer.One thing I regret for sure is that sometimes I had a tendency to have an attitude sometimes with the teachers on occasion. To be quite honest I was quite bratty back then, mostly because I was going through a really big change and when I was scared in the past I had a tendency to lash out or be rebellious a little.  I’m glad I have learned how to manage my feelings and problems a lot better. Anyway, the end seemed to come really fast, I was sad to have to go, I knew I’d probably never see him again most likely after that. I still treat every memory of him like it is a precious jewel that I want to hold onto forever.

Camron has gone In and out of my consciousness more times than I can count. I guess that my heart just refuses to let go of him completely. Anyone that knows me in person probably won’t be surprised about this; it is very common for me to emotionally never completely let go of people I become attached to. The thing about this though is the amount of people I am attached to I can probably count on my two hands. I don’t open my heart that easily to people and building attachments has always been really hard for me. I’m not really sorry I am picky about who my close friends are though. Anyway I’ve been keeping track of where Camron is this whole time, like just where he lives and stuff. I would feel less than happy if I ever completely let him slip through my fingers. I have wanted to talk to him again for a long time, I think I will end up probably writing him a letter or something like that. I know I could just call him, but just for this time I feel like writing him first is the way to go. I am not 100% comfortable with the phone and I want to save it for later if it comes to that. I really should have kept in touch this whole time, but I had so many other things to worry about and I was a little nervous about it for a while. I think I have finally come to the point where I can’t wait anymore though. I don’t want to enter my second quarter of life with any regrets. I’m not really expecting anything, I have no idea what will happen when I contact him. I am just going to keep an open mind and go with the flow.

I believe that not forgetting is the strongest form of loyalty there is. I always try to be the best person I can be for everyone I care about. It is really important to me to be a good role model; I always want to be someone others can look up to and go to if they need help with anything. I always try to be the kind of friend and person in general that others would want to be around. I have always loved the thought of being the guardian, or the person that keeps others from falling to despair and darkness. I guess I get this from all the superhero shows I grew up watching and all the books I read. Even fictional characters can be good role models. I grew up aiming for the sky, and my dreams have always been very big. I’ve never seen anything with aiming high in every aspect of life, even when it comes to friends.

Anyway, every connection I have is priceless and I never take anyone for granted. I always make sure I know the value of everyone I know and what they are capable of.

I will probably talk about stuff like this again in the future again. For now I think I should leave it like this, it is really late now. I really should stop going to sleep at 4:30am. Haha.