Buying that Jolly Rancher Cherry lip balm was a big mistake. Now every time I look at it I think of Dylan. It's weird how stuff like that can become a trigger. The first time I met him he gave me a Jolly Rancher sucker that was cherry flavored. I guess I am feeling weird because I think he has a girlfriend. I'm not jealous or anything, she looks and sounds like an amazing person. The thing is that I've always had Darik or Dylan there to cushion my fall whenever I have been hurt by people in the past. They have always been the two people that I've always been able to give my heart to for safe keeping. I don't love Dylan the same way I love Darik, or the same way I loved him before he was married ( it's a bit different now), but I still loved having him there as a person I could give my heart to without any worries if I really needed to.
Having that door get closer and closer to closing shut is kind of unnerving. I used to have a crush on Dylan a long time ago, and my feelings for both Darik and Dylan eventually hit the crossover phase where you go from just a crush to it being actual love. Darik beat Dylan by about a year though, and I didn't fully consciously realize this back then, but I knew I probably shouldn't try to love both of them like that especially since I've always felt a little more comfortable with Darik. Also I was feeling discouraged by some of his other friends and didn't feel like I was good enough for Dylan at the time. I was afraid I'd get in his way if I continued to try and get close to him and I didn't want to be a bother. Needless to say I forced myself to stop liking him, I was determined to kill that flowering bud of love before it bloomed.
Because I did this though my feelings have always been a bit unstable and weird when they make it to the surface. I shouldn't have played with my own emotions like that. I suppose I don't know what would have happened if I had just let nature run its course. My heart could have gone the other way on its own and I might have not ended up loving him or anything like it. The point in trying to make however is that because of what I did combined with my feelings of doubt and insecurity, there was an imbalance or a crack that started in my heart and from the point I was 14 when I started doubting, all the way up to a few weeks ago I felt horrible about our relationship and felt like I broke something precious.
For years I couldn't bring myself to talk to him outside a limited range of subjects because I was so insecure and I couldn't bring myself to break the walls down and open up. I felt like I didn't deserve to be his friend and for part of the time I had trouble believing he thought of me as a friend just because I felt so torn down by so many things. That doubt that started with him eventually caused the destruction of some of my closet friendships, it was like a deadly poison that just took over everything.
I know I can talk to him now though and everything is fine with both Darik and Dylan now. I no longer have these negative feelings most of the time, and I feel like my self esteem and eagerness to get close to people is coming back. A month or so back i expressed on facebook how inadequate and inferior I felt and Darik's reply combined with my talk with Dylan about everything that was bugging me really made a huge difference. God works in mysterious ways, and he knows who affects me the most. :)
If this world was more logical it would have been Dylan I loved instead of Darik. Sometimes I wish it had been like that, but I accept my reality and I'm grateful for it even though the alternative would have been easier. I believe things happen for a reason and my feelings for both of them have had their purpose. Despite the hardships I'm glad my life turned out like this. The door for Dylan and I will close someday completely and my heart will have to learn the strong restraint it has with Darik. It is a bit scary, and I know it'll be a bit harder because my feelings aren't as stable for Dylan, but I'm sure everything will be fine. I guess I have got to make sure I just don't over think.
Anyway, I think this is long enough. I'm glad I got my thoughts out. There are still things I want to say, but they can wait.
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