Words can not describe how much I hate being away from Sam. Part of me understands why God has not let our paths cross much since High School. Sam is on another level of spirituality, way higher than mine. I think one of the reasons why I have only been allowed to see him 3 times is because God does not want me to rely on him spiritually too much. I do admit right here and now that I am heavily influenced by Sam, but I do have a tendency to lean on him too much sometimes, especially spiritually.
After High school I was mostly restricted to phone calls where Sam was concerned. I definitely even to this day don't think I could ever boldly ask him for more opportunities to see him in person. I think to even feel like I would deserve to I would have to improve myself greatly in many ways. I tried not to call Sam too often as we both hate using the phone, but sometimes I just had to talk to him. I had grown very attached to him and even to this day that attachment still stands. I got to see him at his farewell right before he went on his mission to Rochester New York and after his mission at his homecoming. I really wish I hadn't forgotten what he talked about after he got home and he gave his homecoming talk. According to Sam I wrote him more than anyone besides his mom when he was on his mission. I no longer have most of the emails, but every wek I looked forward to hearing from him no matter how short his emails to me were. I stuck to mostly spiritual topics, but I never got bored of writing him. Close to the end of his mission they let him make a facebook and he started posting scriptures and thoughts on his page. Ever since he got home facebook has been our main line of communication.
Sam decided to go to BYU Idaho after he got back so any chance we would have had to see each other was basically destroyed. I am glad he went as he has accomplished a lot in his time there up to this point. Sam is really smart and he always goes after what he wants even though it is sometimes not always easy. I have never stopped missing him though...
We used to talk on the phone, and I sometimes texted him, but we no longer do that anymore. I think he has trouble understanding what I say over the phone sometimes. After he got home from his mission we started talking via facebook. Believe it or not I had never asked him if he had even thought of me as a friend until this point in time. For all I knew before I asked him if we were friends he could have not cared about me at all. this thought bugged and tormented me until I finally asked him. I was not surprised that he thought of me as a friend though. I really shouldn't have doubted so much. I don't think he would have even bothered to answer my calls or anything if he didn't care at all. He isn't the type of person that wastes his time. I eventually ended up confessing my feelings to him over facebook at some point in 2011, though I wish I hadn't done it because it caused a lot of strain to appear in our friendship. I really think I should have left things as they were and waited. If there is anything I'll never do over facebook ever again it's that one particular thing. I also at some point wrote him lyrics to a love song, which was also pretty dumb of me I am pretty sure even though those lyrics (Hourglass / Time) were pretty decent.
I feel like things just went downhill from there, though we had some good moments. I can't really beat myself up about what happened between us too much. I have always tried my best and have always had good intentions. Whoever said ignorance is bliss was out of their mind though. I am still ignorant, but not nearly as much as I used to be, especially back then. My feelings haven't changed much in the 8 or so years we have been separated, now that is dedication and determination. Despite the fact that we have only seen each other 3 times in these past 8 years I have stayed surprisingly strong.
The third time I am not really all that clear on. I think I saw Sam the 3rd time in the middle of end of 2013. I think I may have written about it somewhere on my blog, but I'm not sure. He was at home so I assume it was at the end of the spring semester at BYU Idaho. He was taking an institute class at the Institute building at UVU. People can actually get BYU credits for taking classes there so I'm not surprised he did it. I decided that I wanted to see him because it had been a few years (about 3). Well, we did see each other and I really wanted it to go good, but to be honest I had over thought and expected too much so naturally I was disappointed. I did see him, but there was nothing magical about it. I will never let myself expect too much ever again when i see him simply because of this one occurrence. I saw him and it was awkward, but I am glad I saw him none the less. Basically all I did was go to the class he was in which was Dating and Courtship I think. Afterward we talked a little bit, but not all that much. I was so nervous and I had over thought so much that I kind of psyched myself out. I might have been imagining things, but I got this vibe from him that made me feel like he felt awkward. Something in me broke in that moment and things were never the same between us.
I was having some spiritual issues and some of my friends were dragging me down. Maybe he felt that, maybe it was much more than him possibly feeling weird about knowing my feelings. I was a bit too bold bak then and even went as far as writing him lyrics to a love song. I was a bit ridiculous but now I know better and that is all that matters. That, and I am out of that spiritual slump that I was in. I got heavily discouraged and at that time I was really distracted by Ronnie so I guess my friendship with Sam kind of fell apart for a while. We stopped talking as much and I felt increasing negative emotions towards him. I can't believe I let the poison of doubt and hate taint our friendship. It only got worse after i asked him about how he felt about me. I don't really blame him for doubting whether or not I knew enough about him to even feel that much. I admit that he was right on that one. I definitely know enough about him to tell you I am at least at the stage of being right before actually loving him. Our life circumstances prevent me from going any forward. In high school though, I believe I actually came really close to actually loving him. I may have even loved him even if it was possibly just at the beginning stages.
I ended up being taken over by my negative emotions towards him and stopped talking to him and then i completely cut him off. I destroyed every single thing that tied me to him including the pictures from Preference which I feel bad about. I shouldn't have destroyed all of them, but it is done and I have to deal with it now. Up until this past summer not much changed. As I became spiritually stronger again I felt the urge more and more to connect with him again. During the gap I really did not like him very much though. I feel bad for surrendering to the dark thoughts for so long, but the point is that i got out and I no longer feel any resentment, sadness, anger, hate, or anything else negative toward him. I am right back to love and I am proud of myself for reaching out to God again and getting out of my slump.
We started talking a little bit after I got back in contact with him. I stopped writing around July though for two months as some of you here know. I can't go too long without writing someting on here now or I start feeling emotional pressure and my stresses build up. Well, actually it doesn't even have to always be on here, I can write about my day or my feelings anywhere but it's more effective here. Slacking off on writing caused me to have an emotional build up and little by little the viscous cycle started again and my feelings went dark. I've actually gained a general dislike for trying to get him to understand me via messages on facebook. I know as long as this is our only line of communication we won't go far and so I have decided to tone things down and let our friendship go a little quiet. I had to stop talking to Sam for a month because I didn't know how to handle the pressure of feeling so much for him while he feels nothing for me and I have nowhere to put my feelings.
Three or four days ago I started writing about Sam like this and since then a lot of the pressure and frustration I had has gone down a lot. I used to also feel a lot of regret and sadness for all the mistakes I've made with him in the past, but writing this has helped open my eyes and has made me see that I do not have to feel this way at all. I have actually started talking to him again a little. I am still no longer trying to give him an accurate representation of me through facebook however. The messages aren't enough and I know that. the only way he will ever truly understand and get to know me is if he is actually here. It doesn't matter how many things I tell him about myself, he won't get how they all fit together until he actually knows me better in person.
Anyway, I will continue talking about Sam in posts like this. I know that I have probably forgotten to include some memories in part 1 and 2 so i will talk about those later when they resurface, for now though I'll just end here. This is only the beginning.
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