I used to have a segment on my blog a lot time ago devoted to just these two. Sadly that segment was full of negativity and regret so I ended it and never looked back. I read those entries a few days ago and they made me sick to my stomach. I'd forgotten how much confusion was involved in my relationship with these two. I'm glad I decided to just leave the past in the past and just move on. As many regrets and confused feelings I've had for these two they still remain two of my favorite people on the planet. I am still amazed at how much tolerance they have had for me, especially Darik who has always been the one I express the most stuff to. I've never been able to keep a friend longer than I've had these two as friends. I think I can safely say that we will be friends for life and that isn't something I can say easily.
I will talk about Dylan later, but for today I just want to say a few things that have been on my mind about Darik.
I probably loved Darik for half of my life, I was just in major denial about it for ages. I almost loved Dylan, but I never quite reached that point. They are twins, but my feelings and opinions of each of them is unique and so is my relationship. Sometimes I get a bit annoyed with myself for always favoring Darik but I think my heart is just built in a way that makes me want to lean in his direction unwaveringly. Now that he is married I am super happy for him, one of the things I always wanted the most was for him to find someone he can truly love and he found that in Cara. While it is true I loved Darik for a long time I never really wanted to be with him. I always knew that somewhere out there there was a girl that was better for him and I was right about that.
Also, I'm happier just being friends, our relationship, though it has had it's rocky spots isn't anything I'd want to lose. I never told him how I felt because I didn't want to make things awkward between us and lose that comfort I feel with him. There were a few times when I felt like I love you would burst out of my mouth, but I always held it in because I knew it was the right thing to do. If by some chance he finds this post and reads it I'll be fine. Writing the words down isn't something I want to fear, it's just saying stuff out loud that makes me feel weird. My blog is the one place I want to be able to be honest about things. I still can't believe I fought my feelings for him for a good 9 years or so, I should have just let everything flow naturally. I think I created more pressure and stress for myself than I needed to. I also always felt guilty for having feelings for him, I used to beat myself up about it all the time and felt like I was doing something wrong. I didn't want to get in his way and I felt like if I ever told him how I felt he would get annoyed and kick me out of his life. I've always had feelings for Darik, but for the first 2 and a half years we knew each other it was just a crush.
I guess you can say that I shamelessly switched between him and Dylan a few times and eventually I felt like I was playing with his heart, this is around the time I actually started loving him (The middle of the 8th grade). I decided to never express my feelings to him again because I didn't want to hurt him or play around with his head or heart. I've always known we wouldn't end up together, so I knew this was the right thing to do for the most part. I know now I had no reason to feel guilty for loving him or having any sort of feelings for him, but it used to really torture me. I have no idea how I managed to convince myself that having feelings for him was wrong, but I did and I regret letting myself do that because it turned out alright once I let go and let things just be. I spent the better part of our relationship trying to push away and suppress my feelings for him or get rid of them entirely but I could never do it. I had little moments of giving in, but my guilt always got to me and I got stubborn again. I really struggled with not being able to say anything sometimes even though I knew we weren't meant for each other. I guess it's just a natural instinct we have, to want to express ourselves.
I promise I'll explain Dylan's side of this story later.
I was 21 when I started fully accepting my feelings for him, but it took me an additional 2 and a half years to completely relax aout it. Now things are different now that he is married, I guess you can say that the power of the feelings is still there, but because I know the door is shut permanently it has changed. I expect I'll always love him in a way, but not in a way that interferes at all. My feelings are pure and I'll do my best to keep them that way. I care about his happiness more than I can say and I'd never do anything to make him unhappy consciously. I am glad he found someone to love, someone aas amazing as him should never be single. I'm glad I got my wish and he found his soul mate and they are very happy now. I think Cara is a wonderful person and I am glad they ended up together. I don't know that much about her yet, but to me she seems like someone I could become good friends with and that is saying a lot because there aren't very many people I feel that way towards.
Anyway, there is no need to say everything in one post, I'll just end here and continue later.
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