Uneasy

I don’t like lying to myself. I always say that college was to hard for me, that was a lie. I just did not have any motivation, or confidence in myself. if I could have had a little more at least things could have turned out better for me. I am always making up excuses so I can take the easy way out. I was just to lazy to do anything back then, I took everything for granted. I have a bad habit of making excuses for everything I do wrong. Now people have the wrong idea that I am not capable. I know how capable I am even more than they do though. It is my body and my life obviously I know more than they do about what I feel and what I see and how I do things.

Truth is I don’t like this SSI thing I’m trying to get. It has involved me making a bunch of outrageous over statements. I know that I am majorally exaggerating. I m only getting it because it’s easier on my parents, that is all. Truth is I feel guilty for even trying to get it because I know I can get a job and stuff but it would create a lot of hassle that I don’t want. I feel like people are trying to think for me. I don’t even want to correct them because it is so exhausting.  From my point of view it seems everyone around me thinks they know so much about what I can and can’t do. I guess that is my fault for not caring enough to be completely honest. I know it very well but I am tired of correcting people.

I went to a psychologist about a month or more ago. I had to go for my possibility to being accepted for SSI. She asked a lot of questions, my dad kept on trying to answer them. This is one of my pet peeves, one of my stronger ones. he just automatically assumes me knows more about me that i know about myself. This is what it looks like from my viewpoint anyway. I was so irritated the whole time, all i could think abut is how much I wanted him to shut up and let me talk but I was to exasperated to do so. This was after all, my time to talk to the psychologist, I was supposed to be answering the questions not him. I was SO happy when she made him g out of the room. I don’t think my dad knows enough about me to start talking for me.  Some of you reading this might be in my family, sorry if that seems a bit harsh but I really needed to speak out about this. If I think you know more about something than I do I will just voice it and say it would be better off coming from your lips, don’t just decide weather or not to speak for me on your own if I haven’t said so. I’m not stupid, and I know what I am talking about when it comes to my life. And don’t go lecturing me about what I write on my blog, I’m not trying to embarrass anyone, I am just trying to say some things that do not come out easy for me when i speak normally. I guess I tend to tell the truth a little more when I write it down. If you don’t like anything I write on my blog then don’t read it please.