I really should start eating better, I know that very well. When I don’t I have a tendency to get very moody and out of character. I guess this has been happening the last couple of days. I’ve been letting stuff get to me a lot lately. I usually don’t let that happen, I know I am stronger than that. I suppose we all have our weak moments now and then.
I’ve been TRYING to spend more time with my niece’s lately. it’s a lot harder for me than people would imagine. They were born when I was just 13 years old. I knew nothing abut how to raise kids, I was not ready. Certain family problems made it so I had to watch them a lot. I didn’t realize it back then but I really hated watching them, I hated being around them. I took every opportunity I could to get away from them. Deep under the waters of my mind the ice was starting to form inside my heart I did not realize it back then but I was breeding a lot of hatred. I resented the fact that I was the one who had to watch them, I had to change diapers, and make sure they stayed out of trouble and stuff like that. i was so angry because those were supposed to be the years I was at my prime, or so I thought.
I hated it because I felt like I was being cheated out of my childhood. Little by little the ice grew stronger and I started doing little things like when I was angry I would push Natalie when I got frustrated. I stopped doing this but the ice was still growing and it became increasingly more difficult for me to get close to them, to want to be around them. Eventually I began to think up ways to stay away from them, or to avoid babysitting. I even lied a lot saying that I would watch them when I didn’t even care in the least bit about it. Some of you reading this might think that is way out of character for me to be this selfish. That was the consequence of me letting the ice grow in my heart, the anger, the hatred, the resentment, the false longing for them to just disappear. Those feelings are what grew inside my heart for these 9 long years since Natalie, and then Kayla 2 years later was born.
Kayla was spared most of my icy hatred. I can’t say I have actually really hated her, but I have felt anger. This probably has to do with the fact that Kayla and I have a lot in common, whereas I see Natalie as the exact opposite of me in personality. On countless occasions I would find myself saying that I hated her over and over inside my head. It was my fault I let so much ice build up inside my heart. Selfishness, want, and desire lead to a lot of things if they are abused. I think part of this anger for Natalie is because I felt like she was picking on Kayla a lot which she actually does. I wanted to protect Kayla. I have been like that since she was born, she was the smaller one and I got irritated at Natalie a lot for being bossy and stuff like that. This in combination with my other feelings towards her did not wield good results.
Sometimes I stay away from her for my own good because I get so angry and frustrated that I feel like I could harm her, or yell at her, or something like that. I can’t say that I have improved much but at least I know the truth about my feelings now and I am no longer denying that my behavior is wrong. Little by little I can feel the ice melting now. It might take a long time for it to be gone though. I adored her when she was first born. I followed her around everywhere. Then I got saddled with all this babysitting and stuff. I felt like what I imagine a young mother feels when they don’t know how to take care of their children. I had no clue how to handle them and these feelings arose from it. If i had been as good at controlling my feelings as I am today back then things probably would have turned out differently.
I’m sort of afraid to interact with other children now. I’m not really surprised this happened as a result though. Maybe this ice, this coldness in my heart is the barrier that makes this happen.
Anyway, I think that’s all I’m going to say for now about that.
No comments:
Post a Comment