Childhood Memories Part 1

I remember back in sixth grade. It wasn't to long before I started sixth grade that I got out of the school for the blind and visually impaired. I convinced my parents and my teachers that I was ready for real school and that I could be in a mainstream school. I was so sure I would do good. I didn't really comprehend back then just how different, just how innocent I was. I never had to deal with peer pressure, or fashion, or makeup, or any of those things when I was growing up. most of my friends were either blind, deaf, or had limited vision, we were all so lucky to escape the blackness of the world. 

I though that going to a regular school would be a piece of cake. I was wrong. I just didn't get how to function with everyone else. Everyone was so different from me, I felt little or no connectivity with anyone in my school. I had trouble communicating or working with other people. I became scared and self conscious, and tried to hid as much I could by the time sixth grade came. School was hard enough without worrying how to fit in, feeling self conscious about my flaws, my imperfections, my mistakes. I felt like an alien, like I did not belong. 

I had my 2 first serious crushes in the 6th grade. I get most of you or at least some of you know who they were. Darik and Dylan  of course! That just made things even worse because I was worried abut what they would think of me if they found out about my imperfections. And what was even more humiliating was that I had to go to a special class for the first half of my school day for my whole 6th grade year. I was terrified, and I felt so weird.


I took up hiding inside the refuge of my mind, turning to endless hours of daydreaming during school, trying to escape the horror I felt, the terror, the fear, the teacher was exhausted by me, she didn't understand that it wasn't that I couldn't hear, or that I wasn't listening, or that I wasn't processing her information, it was that I didn't want to be in reality, I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to listen to her constant nagging to put my glasses on, it was really embarrassing. I felt humiliated in front of Darik, the person I had a crush on a the time. I didn't want him to think I was stupid. I just wanted to disappear and be left alone. It was torture. Of course because of this my missing assignments piled up, I managed to pass the 6th grade somehow though. My first full year of real school was like hell. I had god times sure but it was very hard.

I didn't always feel like this, sometime I just plain didn't want to listen at all just because I didn't feel like it. Another big reason is because I didn't understand the work, and the teacher didn't really know how to teach me. I was a hard student to deal with. it wasn't until the 7th grade when teachers finally figured out how to teach me, i'm glad for that.

I used to think I was popular back then, like I was all that. My personality as very much the exact opposite it is today, I wanted to be popular, I wanted to be cool, now I just don't care.

Those are my thoughts on the past for now. I'll tell more later. I could tell a lot more but I don't really feel like it at the moment :)
Pardon the spelling

Sugar Low

Ugh! Its that time of year, the time of the year when i have my sugar low, the WORST sugar low I have all year. I can say to you right now that I do feel like crap. I feel dead, and I don't really feel like doing anything else but sitting here telling you about it because it really sucks.

I'm not really that fond of sugar i the first place so I only eat it on holidays and special occasions.

Do you ever get sugar lows? particularly bad ones on holidays and halloween?

I just feel dead, lazy, and I can't even look at anything sugary without feeling sick almost immediately

It's Christmas Eve and I'm Back!

Yes, I'm back on xanga after a long absence. Merry Christmas everyone!! I can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas its gone by so fast! I can't believe its almost 2010!

I didn't ask for much this year, just batteries for my camera, some silver bracelets, and hair stuff. I didn't really feel like asking for anything else plus my family is having financial problems so I couldn't ask for much anyway ha ha. 

My mom is making food today, like orange rolls, pies, brownies, etc. All of it is for tomorrow's dinner I'm sure it'll be very good.

Anyway, if anything happens today I'll update this.

Its Christmas Eve!! And I'm Back on Xanga!!

Yes, I'm back on xanga after a long absence. Merry Christmas everyone!! I can't believe that tomorrow is Christmas its gone by so fast! I can't believe its almost 2010!

I didn't ask for much this year, just batteries for my camera, some silver bracelets, and hair stuff. I didn't really feel like asking for anything else plus my family is having financial problems so I couldn't ask for much anyway ha ha. 

My mom is making food today, like orange rolls, pies, brownies, etc. All of it is for tomorrow's dinner I'm sure it'll be very good.

Anyway, if anything happens today I'll update this.

New Moon Sucked...

Just like I suspected it would be it was dumb, dull, boring, whatever. It just seems so fake, unfeeling, Bella needs a therapist. I did like Jacob however, he's the one person in the book that actually seems genuine. I've always liked Jacob for some unknown reason. Probably because he is more human, or because he is warm, or maybe both, or maybe it has something to do with a reason completely unrelated with that in any manner. 

Jacob is the only thing in the movies I like. 

I think they did a little better so far as how the movie looked in general, it didn't look as cheap this time. Its how they portray the story that bugged me a lot. 

I like the books, but not a lot as I stated in my last Twilight post. 

I wasn't about to fork over my money to see a crappy movie so I just found it online. its easy to find movies online now, even if they're not even out on DVD yet. Its really nice, because then I can see the crappy ones without having to waste money.

Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving was great! I couldn't slept the night before though so I was up at 4:45am it was crazy.  My mom was up starting on the rolls and putting the turkey in the oven that early. Things were pretty busy. I wasn't the only one that couldn't sleep ha ha. I just turned on my computer and listened to music. I also set up my new deviantart account tat I hadn't used for a few months. I'd been meaning to move my stuff there for a while since I anted a new name but I never got to it until Thanksgiving. 

My church had an activity around 9am that morning, we went to the park and they played football. Both girls and guys. I didn't play since I have really bad hand eye coordination. I ate a sprinkled doughnut though. Actually I ate a maple one as well ha ha.  There was hot chocolate there as well. It wasn't to cold though, just a little. I didn't have to wear my coat, just a light jacket. The skies were clear and blue and there wasn't any wind. The weather was great.

After that I went home and just took a shower. Not to long after I got out we started going over to the church. We got the whole church reserved just for our family it was great. My mom brought a big thing of dough to the church for the rolls, she hadn't made them yet. The church kitchen was really busy, There were pies, turkeys, and other things all over the kitchen. My aunt graded some cheese for cheese sauce. I kept on picking at the graded cheese it was good. I never got caught. My hands were clean I might add. I helped my mom put the roll dough into the cupcake pans for the rolls so I had to wash my hands. There were so many people in the kitchen.

Slowly we brought out all the food into the church gym. There were tables set up all the way across the gym. We have a lot of relatives so that was smart to fill the whole gym with tables. All my aunts and uncles and cousins came. There were SO many people there. 

There were 2 or 3 turkeys, a lot of stuffing, 2 or 3 things if yams and marshmallows, mashed potatoes, salads, fruit salads, chips, rolls, butter, honey butter, etc. There was a lot of pied as well I might add. I had a little bit of everything. I as so full by the time I was finished.  During the dinner my aunts came up one by one, and my mom and they told which family was which and how we were all related, and some really good stories about the family. It was a lot of fun being together like that.  

After everyone ate we played games. All the kids were running around the church playing hid and go seek and tag.  We also made paper turkeys, the kids had a lot of fun with that it was awesome. we played card games, and I think board games too. I was making a turkey, and didn't pay much attention to what everyone else was doing ha ha. 

this went on for a few hours. When it was time to go home my 8 year old niece didn't want to go home. She was mad at my dad for making her go home. Shes so funny sometimes.  

After we got home we played more board games and stuff. My family was playing "Solarquest"  while I went back downstairs to my room and set up my new deviantart some more.  We just did this for the rest of the night and watched TV and stuff it was great.

My aunt Martha and uncle Doug came down from Wyoming and stayed fora  few days at our house. My sister too came down from California this week. 

The house was pretty busy this week. Our cat really hated it, she doesn't like it when a lot of people are around it spooks her.

Yeah, so hat was my Thanksgiving.

Oh here is my new deviantart account.
http://www.kalystia.deviantart.com

So Addictive.

So I'm sure you've heard of http://www.stumbleupon.com  at some point in your life on the internet. At least I sure hope you have because if you haven't your web experience has been boring up until now so GO! 

Anyway so that is what I have been doing for these past few days, stumbling through websites with the StumbleUpon toolbar. When you favorite a website it goes to your page on that website, so you can go to it later if you want. 

I had a profile, my old username was Starlight791 (now Liahna http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/liahna/

That's my old page. One day i decided to make a  new one because of the fact that I have a  need for a more creative username now. So I changed the email on that account (my old one) and made a new account with my main email.  My new page is here.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/Kalystia/ 

So the thing that is keeping me away from Xanga is the fact that I have to stumble through all my favorite websites, which isn't boring for me in the least and favorite them all over again.  I had favorited 1.3k websites, pages, etc. When i'm done my favorites on my new page will have reached 1.8k because before i decided to stumble through all my old favorites and favorite them all over again I had favorited over 400+ new pages. So That is what is keeping me away from Xanga.

It is so addictive, and even more addictive stumbling through your own favorites all over again because they are all stuff you like. 

So long story short I'll probably be busy for about 2 more days. =P

Too Much Freetime...

Yeah so I have way to much free time. No one should have as much free time as i do lately. Ever since I got out of college in spring of 2008 things have been at a stand still for me. I am stranded until I can get a job and get a laptop to go back to school. Trouble is that I can't get a job because i have no transportation, and there aren't any places near here that don't make you work on Sunday which i really would rather avoid. My parents were the ones that gave me transportation before but they can't do that right now. So basically I have been cursed with a crazy amount of free time and I have no clue what to do with it most of the time. I just spend hours on the internet trying to learn and discover whatever I can get my hands on.

I don't really have any friends I hang out with, and its too cold to go outside. And no one goes outside here, hardly anyone. People just stay cooped up in their houses playing video games and stuff like that. So Its a little creepy to go outside on my own, even if it is safe. And I have this crazy fear of dogs, and I'm sort of afraid of wide open spaces. I'm the exact opposite of claustrophobic. So basically that option is ruled out for me. I am trapped with nowhere to go. I would go crazy if I didn't have the internet to keep me sane.  I need my daily dose of communication with the rest of the world. 

I wish I had more to do, maybe I should try and became super flexible. this can't be healthy for me. I really hate being trapped like this with to much time. I know a lot of people would love to have this much time but not me, I like ti stay productive and active as much as I can. i love school, I love to do things but that is just not possible right now. This is really frustrating.

Attachment to Material Things...

There is this teaching that buddhists follow. Being free of material and physical desire leads to true happiness. Something like that I think. Throughout my life I have come to know that is true. I haven't had very many spectacular things like clothes, furniture, clothes, etc. My family isn't the richest family in the world so we've had to make due with just the old and the little things. We live in a decent house, a lot of things are hand me downs from my grandparents, and / or neighbors we know.

My mom and dad have always had trouble with finding and keeping jobs, or sometimes the jobs can't pay them for some reason. Its been a struggle throughout my life but I've always been happy. Satisfaction has always come very easy to me, I've always been happy with what I have, not thinking about what I don't have or what I could have. It was hard a little for me when I was in my early teens  I guess a little. Watching all the girls around me wear fashionable clothes, that wore off though. I've never truly wanted any of that. My love stays with things that can be forever with me.

My family has never bought really expensive, cars, clothes, TV, computers, etc. The stuff we do buy we either get from sails, or we make them ourselves. 

throughout my life I have been watching other people. I've come to realize that people like my family, people that don't really desire material things and don't rely on physical desires, people that don't care about money are a lot happier. As I go through my daily life I see countless people that lust after money, clothes, material possessions that they think will bring them happiness but in the end they always end up unsatisfied and unhappy. It seems to be that he world just wats more and more these days. We never slow down, we never think about the more beautiful things in life. Everyone should just stop and look at what is around them. There are more important things than what the world seems to be occupied with these days. 

Nature, music, the friends around me are what I value most, experiences, fun times, family, stuff like that is truly important to me, the other things are just on the sidelines an are nice every once in a while.  Being able to spill out my thoughts like this to countless people, to express myself, to be myself, times like this are really special to me too, which is why I love blogging so much. 

About physical desires,  I feel like we rely on them to much. this world seems to revolve around sex these days and i feel like that is causing part of our unhappiness as well. It is true that to much of a good thing can be bad and i'm sorry to say that the world these days is sorely over doing the subject of sex, we need to tone it down a lot. you can't even watch TV without getting bombarded by sexual messages and implications it seems like nothing is family safe these days. Instead of looking and indulging in these things we need to do other better things. Focusing on the physical can wait until marriage.

Yeah, so mainly my message is try to live without physical, or material things once in a while, don't let the rule your life, go out and explore nature, and music, and stuff like that.

Winter Dance

As winter sneaks upon me
its winds just blowing softly
cradling me forever in its embrace
the stars are up above me
I can hear the song of the wind
singing me its sweet lullaby

Forever never ends
time never bends or stops
winter dances for me
turning turning, passing, coming
sweet embrace, a wondrous dream
things are not as they seem they've changed

Let down your snow
cry for me and I will comfort you
your not alone, your not alone
dance for me and be free
no one loves you like i do
you're shunned but not by me.

eternity calls us, my sweet winter
this is our eternity just you and me
I can see you dancing there
twirling, turning, ever so graceful
I will embrace you so you're not alone
if you ask you can have all of me

Morning Stress

Some people look forward to the morning, a start of a  new day. Sometimes I look forward to them, but most of the time, they turn out to be stressful. You have no clue how many days I have woken up to screaming children, or my dad and my sister arguing, or my sister arguing with someone else. Or my sister complaining about how her life is miserable, or my sister and / or my dad screaming at my nieces to get ready for school, or yelling at them because they didn't get dressed. So many things happen in the morning. The mornings are always the most negative here at my house.

Its really pretty sad. I wish I could have more peaceful mornings. That however is not realistic right now. My family deals with so much drama all the time. I've never told them how I feel. I don't want to be a burden, another complainer, someone else they have to worry about. But because of all this negative crap that always goes on in the mornings I have come to dread them. Sometimes I go to bed really late, so I'll wake up really late and I won't have to deal with that crap. They drive me nuts and I wish they would stop. I know my sister has some medical problems that make it so she has trouble controling her emotions, its not all her fault. I really blame it on the over reaction of my parents, mostly my dad.  He's sometimes really fire headed, and stubborn and he gets mad easy from the stupidest things. he's always in a rush, and tries to do everything fast, he never seems to be able to slow down from my point of view on this. He has his good points but I really hate him causing drama with my sister. Him and my mom are sometimes bad about that. 

I know they try but it drives everyone nuts. I just wish we could make mornings more peaceful. We don't even get my nieces properly fed in the morning before school its so dumb. 

this also gets on my nieces nerves, they start getting cranky and angry, and then they get really annoying. In all seriousness my niece Natalie is the most annoying, loud, obnoxious child yo could ever meet when she is cranky, angry, or hyper. I do love her but she gets on my nerves a LOT. yes, my nieces do cause some of the stress too in the mornings.

this really drives me nuts, no one should have negative mornings.

Future Goals

I want to become a world famous blogger.
I want to become a world famous writer in general.
I want to become a professional artist,  (painting, drawing, digital art, etc)
I want to learn how to make techno music
I want to learn 7 different instruments before I die.
I want to learn 10 different languages before I die
I want to travel the world before I die.
I want to live in more than one country before I die.
I want peple to see me as someone they can look up to
I want to find my true love and have children or adopt.
I want to climb a mountain.
I want to go to my local Query and climb all the rock walls there all the way to the top.
I want to run a marathon
I want to become a professional photographer. 
I want to open my own beaded jewelry business.
I want to learn how to build a computer.
I want to learn how to program a computer.
I want to run a popular website sometime in the future.
I want to do a giant chalk drawing on my sidewalk
I want to go to the tallest building in the world and stand at the top floor.
I want to see mount Everest. 
I want to learn how to crochet. 
I want to invent a new world that becomes popular to use.
I want to go hang gliding at least once.
I want to be on the radio at least once (singing). 
I want to be on TV at least once.
I want to meet Tyra Banks. 
I want to get perfect grades in college.
I want to learn how to DJ.
I want to learn how to dance.


those are just some of my goals for the future. I'll probably do a 2nd part in the future.

How I Learned Patience From Xanga.

 

So I'm pretty patient for a lot of things, almost everything but the one thing I used to not be patient about was reading. I used to hurry through things like math problems, and try to find a fast easy solution for everything, I was not patient for school work especially. When I did any kind of school work especially writing and reading I felt a need to hurry. I was anxious to just get it over with. While I love writing and have always loved it I used to see it at sort of a chore. I used to see everything as a chore. I was very impatient back in the day when I joined Xanga. That was a little over a year ago.

Here on Xanga though I learned to take things slowly. I used to hurry through everything that I wrote or read, I used to treat it like a time waster, or a hassle. Over the months though I gradually began to genuinely read and write with much more patience as I took in the true meaning of everything I had read or written.  Suddenly it wasn't just a chore, it wasn't just another thing that I had to hurry through, for once in my life I loved to work on something, it wasn't a chore.  My heart was sofened by the writing of other people, by their hearts, and my mind was slowed down. Thanks to everyone on here I learned how to be patient. All those wonderful posts just got to me.  

Back when I started blogging I just typed as fast as a could and made it as short as I could. I did love blogging but I was lazy, and impatient and often in my earlier entries my blogs are a little smaller because I didn't have the patience to work on them hard enough.  

I had to get used to reading blogs. I used to think that reading people's opinions and stuff was just boring, I always hurried through reading everything and though of it as a time waster. It took me a  few months of reading to understand just how important everyone's writing is. I No longer hurry through everything. I read everything carefully and treat it like it is just as important as my own blog posts. Blogging is no longer just about me. I write everything for me and for the people that read my stuff. 

Xanga made me patient, Xanga is awesome.

Close Call and an Unfortunate Consiquence.

So I was lucky, about an hour ago we decided to go get some movie tickets for the new movie "Shorts". I was planning on going but at the last minute decided not to. My dad and sister when in the car and drove to go get the tickets.

I went back downstairs and started looking for new blogs to subscribe to because I don't feel like i quite have enough on my Google reader. Anyway, so a few minutes after I started doing this the phone rang. My mom picked it up, turns out that my sister and dad got in a car accident. they got pretty bad whiplash but lucky for them it was only that and not worse. The back of the car was totaly destroyed, and we'll probably have to get a new one. We just got this car (its  Honda Civic) a few months ago prior to my mom getting rear ended (that wasn't that bad either lucky for her). That was a few months before we got this car, our previous one was totaled for that reason..  Yeah so anyway due to our poor financial situation right now I'm not sure what we're going to do about the loss of a  car. I'm not sure if we'll be able to get another one or if we'll just do something else.

My dad and sister were taken to the hospital just to check if they had any bad injuries. It was just bad whiplash though. I shudder to think what the consequences would have bee for me if I had gone. I would have been in the backseat, and I would have probably gotten the worse end for it since they were rear ended. Anyway, I'm just glad that I didn't go.

If anything else happens on this subject I'll update this.

UPDATE:  Everyone is fine, they did X-rays, my dad and my sister are allright.  My dad got some video of the car. The car that hit them on the back on the right. That is the side I usualy sit on so I would have gotten the worst of it if I had gone with them.  *shudder*

Eclipse (song)

Can you hear me now, I'm reaching out to you

my silent, but powerful song surrounds your heart

I have something to tell you don't be startled.

Like a butterfly opening its wings

like a star shining for the first time

hear my hearts song, hear my feelings for you

the sun sets but rises for a new day

these fires will never go out, I love you

 

My chest is slowly rising

I sing for you, but you don't hear me

I breathe for you but you don't know it

I pray for you but that's my secret

Every moment away from you is painful

like a never ending eternity

 

sing for me and heal these shards

look at me and grant me my wings

don't be startled I mean ever word

my heart only reaches out to you

be strong for me and I'll do the same

my heart is reaching out to you take my hand

I'll be your light if you be mine

 

My chest is slowly rising

I shine for you, do you see my light?

I dance for you, are you watching?

I'm looking at you, are you looking back?

Every moment away from you is painful

don't make this an eternity

 

The night may be dark

but the stars always shine

I can feel this revolution coming my way

can you feel it its amazing

open your heart to me and I'll do the same

no one is like you

no one can capture my heart like you do

its time to earn my butterfly wings

finally my heart can see the light

can you see how much I love you?

 

My chest is slowly rising

I dream about you, do you do the same?

My mind is clear is yours as well?

I can see the stars lighting my way, are you looking too?

I love you will you love me back?

I hope someday I never have to be away from you

I know it wont be an eternity if we try