Easter

My Easter was pretty normal yesterday. I woke up at 7am, got ready for church, did the usual before church like listen to music and stuff. My church is at a different building now so I have to get a ride with whoever I can. We were a bit late to church, actually we were about 15 minutes late for church and nearly missed the sacrament part of the meeting. Most of the talks in church this week were about the atonement of Jesus, or jesus in general. I had brought a pocket full of jellybeans I bought on Saturday and just ate them through the meeting.

Darik and Dylan are moving away for the summer, I was hoping I would see them yesterday after the first part of church was over. Turns out they left right after, I think most likely because of Easter, they were probably doing something with their family.  I think I saw Dylan, but I wasn't really paying attention, I had a lot on my mind then. I really was hoping I would see Darik, at this point in time I did not know they had gone yet, I thought they had perhaps gone to another class or something. I didn't know they were gone so I kept an eye out for them through the whole 3 hour church block, hoping I would see Darik.

I don't remember what we talked about in the Sunday school portion of church, but in Relief Society they gave out little chocolate eggs. I love chocolate a lot. I left right after reliev society, it is the last hour of church. 

When i got home I just watched some of the old seasons of "Power Rangers'. I know that is probably strange but I love watching old cheesy TV shows, there was really great TV shows in the 90s when i was growing up. I remember watching the Power Rangers in secret, my parents didn't think it was a very good show. I'm sure if they saw it now they would change their mind though considering the crap that is on TV nowadays.

I waited for dinner to be done and just watched anime and stuff while I was waiting. I checked on my Destiny Online client a few times, I didn't play much yesterday.

Dinner was pretty great. We had steamed carrots and potatoes,  roast, and Salad. It was pretty great, especially the roast. We didn't really do anything that special, besides the dinner. I went back downstairs and watched movies and stuff, nothing much happened after this. I fell asleep early again. 

We had all our easter stuff done on Saturday. My nieces wanted to have the Easter egg hunt on Saturday for some reason. We dyed eggs and did the easter egg hunt with candy filled eggs.  I went to the grocery store and bought some bread and yogurt and other stuff. I also got the jelly beans I mentioned earlier when i went to the store. Saturday was pretty fun.  It was pretty rainy that day though, kid of depressing for the day before easter. Another great thing that happened on Saturday was the last 2 episodes of my favorite anime came out. My favorite anime is "Puella Magi Madoka Magica". The anime is amazing in every way. They were supposed to release the last two episodes at the time of the Japan earthquake and the episodes were delayed. It was worth the wait in every way though.

Anyway, I guess that is all for now.

Absence.

Yeah, sorry for my absense, I've been catching up on a few things the past week. I will have to do a post about Destiny Online soon, I have mentioned it but I have never really showed it to you. I have been spending time on there sorting out some things and catching up. On top of this I have been organizing my thoughts and planning out stuff I want to write about. Don't worry I have not disappeared from Xanga again ha ha. Not much has happened in the past week, I've just been playing Destiny, working on this new story I am writing, catching up with friends, that kind of stuff.

Sorry if this is kind of short,  didn't want you guys to think I am gone so I had to write something. I will be back on Xanga in full swing on Monday. i have so much I want to write about but I need a few more days to sort it all out in my head or i'm going to have a hard time writing about it, organizing my feelings into words.

See you guys in a few days, and sorry for my lack of activity the past 2 weeks. :)

Theory

It's funny what kind of things can appear in your dreams.  I dream about things like breathing under water, sky diving, strange lands made of really random objects that are just lying around in real life that have absolutely nothing to do with architecture, mythical creatures, and most of all friends. The thing that gets to me, the reason why I am writing about this today is that I feel like I need to write out a theory I have about my dreams. For the past 8 or 9 years I have been having dreams where Darik appears just randomly out of nowhere. Darik has been in my dreams for so long I never even think of it now usually but I thought that I should at least think about it once. I have come up with a few thoughts about this.

Well, some of you know I don't really have a crush on Darik or have those kind of romantic feelings towards him. Darik is however an important person to me. My first theory has to do with this. I kind of see him as somewhat of a role model, someone to look up to, I always have in some kind of way. I have always thought he is amazing in a lot of ways. I had a crush on Darik on top of this for a long time so I think that those two trains of thought just caused my sub conscious to put him in my dreams so often. I don't look up to very many other people, or like very many other people as much as I like him. My sub conscious always puts people in my dreams that I either think about, or sometimes people that I have strong feelings for.  So my firs theory is that I dream about him just mainly because he has been such a prominent figure in my life for so long, half of it to be exact. My subconscious decided to just randomly, but often put him in my dreams for this fact. Darik kind of has a unique position in my heart, and in my life in general. Meeting Darik changed me in a lot of ways, and you just don't forget something like that.  I do think about him sometimes, I guess that could be another reason.  The impact he has had on my life, I don't really know how to summon it up in words, but i'm pretty sure that is the reason I dream about hm so often, because he has had such a huge impact on my life. My feelings for him are very strong, and I know this both sub consciously and consciously, this could be the cause.

I had a crush on Darik for a long time, my feelings were starting to get stronger though 8 years ago. I decided that it was probably better if I supress my feelings or make them go away somehow. I was starting to like other people and I didn't want my feelings for him to get in the way, they were kind of beginning to make things weird with us, so I decided that since I was starting to be interested in other people I would force myself to get over him. I did succeed for the most part. I am pretty sure my feelings for him are still there, somewhere locked behind an iron door where they won't ever get out. My feelings for him, if they ever did come back I know they would be a lot more mature than they were last time I let them roam free. My second theory is about this. I have a theory that somewhere in my deep sub conscious I really do have feelings for him and they are causing me to dream about him. I don't think this is as probable as the first theory though. Even if I did still have feelings for him I doubt they would be strong enough, prominent enough to ignite such a reaction in my sub conscious.  I don't know though since if I do have sub conscious feelings for him they might have evolved to a strong level, my heart sometimes does that with certain feelings sometimes. If i have a dormant feeling or though sometimes it just becomes stronger, and then eventually lets loose. I don't think this is the scenario in this case though. It is more probable that my first theory is the right one.

these are my main two theories on this. I will most likely end up thinking about this more in the future though since it is really interesting to me how my brain works. Sometimes my brain does strange things.

I'm glad I got these thoughts out.

Kind of Nervous

I knew I would feel this way eventually. I feel like my life is moving too fast, and now that I am going back to college soon, and possibly getting a job I am getting a bit nervous. I just realized this today, and I have been thinking about it for a while now. I never thought of it very much in the past couple of months but sometimes I doubt if I am ready to start my life again. I just assume that everyone feels this way sometimes so I am not terribly worried but it is making me feel nervous. I am worried that I will lose confidence and motivation when I go back and I won't be able to do as well as I want to. I am worried that I won't be able to understand what the teachers try to tell me. I am afraid I will be slow and will fall behind. I really don't want to fail again. I am also worried that having a laptop won't fix my problem of not being able to take notes because I am too slow at writing with a pen or pencil. I just need to express these things because expressing my feelings on Xanga so far has helped a lot in the past. I am worried about all the hardships I know will come to me when I start living my life again instead of just sitting here on the computer, playing games, writing stuff, and talking to friends. I am afraid of the pain I will feel as I start running and working out, and all the stress that will come with it.

I am feeling a lot right now and I just needed to write it down.

Sunday Changes

Sunday was pretty crazy. I had to wake up at 7am. I just stayed in bed listening to music the first 10 minutes i was awake, then I had to go wash my hair.  I got out about 10 minutes past 8am, and got dressed. I wore my new green shirt yesterday. I just watched anime until about 8:40am and then did my hair and got ready for the church meeting I was going to. If any of you have
forgotten I am LDS. Anyway, so they organized 3 new Stakes in our area, 10 or more wards are usually in 1 stake. This meeting was for every single young adult in the city I live in, we all went to it it was pretty big. I left the house at about 9:15am, and gota ride over to my church. I got a ride with some of my neighbors to the place where we had this special church meeting after we waited a while at our church for more people that needed rides. I rode with my friend Stacy, and my other friend Elaisa. We talked about what we have been up to while we were in the car.

When we got there we found some seats, and just waited. I played iPhone games while I was waiting for the meeting to begin. The meeting was about 2 hours long, they told us how this idea for a Young Single Adult Stake came to be and then they told us our new wards. I used to be the CV 6th ward, now I am in the 9th ward, i'm not going to tell you the name of my ward because that would give away my loacation. They had a bunch of speakers, 3 for each of the 3 stakes and then some others. I kind of fell asleep for most of the meeting on accident, I caught the funny parts of the speakers though, you can't miss the sound of hundreds of people laughing at the same time. I didn't get very much sleep the night before so I wasn't entirely there.

Anyway, after the meeting was over, we talked about the "Munch and Mingle" that we were going to have at 5pm that afternoon. Basicly we would all get together and socialize with the people in our stake (I am part of the 1st stake out of the 3), there would also be food. We walked to the car and I told them to pic me u around 5 or 5:30. I read some of my poetry and talked about my nieces and nephews on the way back home.

I got back home a little past 12:30 noon time and I just got on Destiny Online and talked to a few people for a while. I started working on this new story that I have been thinking of for a while. I can't give you any details for now because it will ruin the surprise but it will be totally awesome. I helped my sister wrap some of Kayla's presents and I ate lunch, then I went back downstairs and listened to music for a while, and then turned on some anime for a while.

I fell asleep for a few hours later on and slept until my friends came by and picked me up.  I got my Sunday clothes back on and went upstairs and we left. My friend drove a stick, it was kid of a bumpy car ride.  

When we got to our new church building where we are going to have church from now on there were a ton of people there. I was quite surprised, there must have been like over 200 or 300 people packed into the church building it was crazy. We went into the gym, they had bagels and cream chese, muffins, and stuff for peanut butter and jelly sandwitches.  I just kind of snacked on those while I was talking to people. I didn’t talk very much but I did listen to other people talk. It’s really fun to listen to people talking when there are so many people around.  

I spotted Darik and Dylan, or rather walked pass them on my way to grab another bagel. I just listened to them talking with their other friends, I didn’t really feel like saying anything at that point in time.  They left after a while and me and my friends just started talking to other people. Some guy did some magic tricks for us with cards anda  few coins, it was pretty neat.  

After about 20 or 30 minutes there I started to get a bit overstimulated so I suggested we leave. I don’t do very well in large crowds it’s kind of stressful for me.  

My friends brought me home after that and I just watched James Bond movies and just chilled for a while.  We ate dinner not to long after I got home. We had home made macaroni and cheese, and steak, salad, and potatoes it was pretty good.  I just went back to what i was doing after I ate.  My mom forgot to call me upstairs to sing happy birthday to kayla a few hours later, lucky the candles were trick candles because we got to sing again with me there.  It was cute watching her try and blow out the candles.  there was a cake and a pie, I had the cake, it was strawberry. We had mint chocolate chip ice cream, cookies and cream ice cream and vanillla ice cream. I had the mint chocolate chip kind with my cake.  I almost couldn’t eat all my cake, I actually don’t like cake that much, I ate it because kayla liked it, I wanted to eat it because of her. it was pretty good but I kind of wish i ate the pie instead.  

I went downstairs with my cake and ice cream and watched anime fora  while.

It was about a half an hour after this kayla opened her prsents. I think Natalie was even more excited than kayla was, we kept on having to tell her to be quiet because she was being really loud.  Kayla loved all of her presents.

After this nothing much happened, I just watched movies for the rest of the night.  :)

Shopping madness

My weekend was pretty nice I did a lot of stuff. I am still not finished with the stuff I am writing but I will be soon. I can't wait to post it here so you guys can see. I will just write about Saturday in this post, I'll write about Sunday right after I post this in a different entry.

Anyway, so my weekend was pretty fun, I went to a lot of places.  Saturday started off fairly normal. I logged onto Destiny Online, and chekced facebook, then I started watching anime. Things were pretty normal until about 11:30pm when my sister and my dad said we were going shopping for kayla's birthday (my niece). Kayla's birthday was on Sunday.

I got dressed and grabbed my bag and my phone.  I went upstairs and ate some yogurt for breakfast and then went out the door. It was pretty cold and it was lightly snowing, nothing serious though.  The first thing Kayla wanted was a new blanket. We got my sister a really fluffy blanket for christmas, kayla wanted one just like it. We were talking about the store we thought we bought it in. I remembered we didn't buy it at Maycey's, and we didn't buy it at Bed Bath and Beyond, we ended up looking their anyway since they have pretty good stuff though. We looked around the store for a while, I looked at the bed sets, and the scales, and a few other things. We found this really soft red blanket that was just her size.

I decided to get one of the scales, I needed a new one anyway so I just bought it. I also got a cookie's and Cream candy bar so I wouldn't get carsick (I get carsick on an empty stomach). My sister bought the red blanket and then we left the store.

We went to Walmart after this. Kayla wanted some kind of Butterfly Fairy toy. I let my sister and my dad just go off and try to find it, I wanted to look at the clothes in the front of the store. I found a few shirts I liked, one of them was yellow, then i chose another one like it that was green. I looked at some other racks and there was some i liked that were pink, black, blue, and purple. I grabbed one of each color and headed to the dressing room.  I wasn't really supposed to do this because we were only supposed to be in the store about ten minutes because my brother was running pretty soon. I just thought I would hurry.

I ended up liking the shirts, my dad called me while I was in the dressing room, he sounded pretty irritated and told me that I didn't have time to buy the shirts because we would miss my brother's race at UVU.  I was feeling a little frustrated, but I gave the shirts to the lady that was managing the dressing rooms and told her to hold them for me for about an hour until we got back. My sister didn't find the toy we were looking for, we ended up leaving the store without anything and headed off to my brother's race at UVU. It wasn't snowing at this time but it was pretty cold.

The track he ran at is fairly new it has only been there for about a month now. We went and stood in front of the bleachers and watched some of the girls races, and a few hurtle races as well. We were standing out in the cold for about a half an hour before my brother did the 3000 meter race. He did pretty well, he is one of the best people on the team. The race was 7 laps, he lost track of how many laps he ran and slowed down near the end, he thought he had one lap left. He ended up getting second, but it was only because it was freezing cold and that kind of made him slow down a bit, on top of the fact that he forgot there wasn't another lap left in the race.  He could have won that race easy, he is really great. 

I was freezing cold by the end of the race, we talked to my brother for a little bit and then we headed off to Walmart to go pick up my shirts.

I grabbed my shirts, and a new umbrella I wanted and went through the checkout stand.

My sister decided we would go to Toys R Us next, so we headed over there to try and find the butterfly fairy toy my niece wanted.  When we went there we looked through various sections. We went through the Hello Kitty section, the disney princess section, and the barbie section. We finally found her some butterfly fairy toy in the barbie section after looking for a while.  I started walking around the store a little and found the Toy Story Section. I have been looking or a really good Sheriff Woody Doll for a very long time now. They didn't have it at Toys R Us either. I had previously looked for it at the Disney Store in the mall but they were sold out.  I think I might have to buy one on amazon.  They had a Buzz Lightyear, and some of the other characters but no Woody. I went back to searching for presents for Kayla after this.

We got her this sparkley pegasus, I got her some coloring books and crayons. We also got her "Voyage of the Dawn Treader", the third Narnia movie. I don't remember what else we got but we were there for quite a while. We looked at Hello kitty stuff, dragons, horses, stuffed animals, pillow pets, tinker toys, etc. I almost got her some tinker Toys but they were a little expensive. It was over all a really fun trip.

We went to another grocery store after this and we bought some groceries for the dinner on Sunday, I found a rack with bandanas and bought a bunch. I usually wear bandanas sometimes when my bangs get annoying, it's nice to get my hair out of the way. I bought one of each color. I also went down the Easter isle and bought a really cute duck stuffed animal, and a little cute duck beanie baby.  I went down the toothbrush / toothpaste isle and looked at the electric toothbrushes. I bought this really nice toothbrush that was $30, totally worth it though. It came with a re-charger and stuff, so nice.

After we were done with all our shopping we went back home and brought all the stuff inside. I cleaned my room up, and hung my new clothes up. I took a nap after this for a couple of hours and just spent the rest of the day writing, playing games, and watching anime.

Anyway, so that was Saturday, it was pretty awesome. I will stop here and make Sunday a whole different post. I don't feel like putting both into one post.

Sunrise (poem)

I'm going to go ahead at take the weekend off so I can finish some stuff I'm writing. I will be back on Monday though! Here is a poem before I go. I will post the audio later.  I just want to focus on writing some stuff this weekend, I'm working on some pretty amazing posts but they are taking time and my brain can think of little else right now. It actually feels really nice to be focused on something as much as this. Can't wait until I can show you guys. :)

Edit: (May 23rd The Audio is finally up!)

 

The sun rise in my heart

miracle after the night

once a lonely porcelian doll

sitting on the shelf

kissed by the sweet sunlight

brought to life by love

eternal song in my heart

melody going on forever

something that can't be broken

eternal star shining forth

unbreakable bonds live on

life is like the tide

destiny is like the river

forever we float on the clouds

falling from the sky

love gives us wings

eternal breeze in my heart

living life day to day

happiness is like the rising sun

 

Windy Thursdays

So today I went shopping again. I bought some oranges, apples, juice, garbage bags, yogurt, and a few other things. I really enjoy going to the store, or going out in general. I haven't gotten out very much in the past couple of years. I am trying to do something about this now but used to spend almost every waking moment alone, except for times with my family on occasion i the evenings, and church on Sundays. You know I have had a bit of trouble with running away from my problems in the past. I never really allowed myself to want to go anywhere, or be around anyone. I was always afraid I would get in the way of my family members or my friends or other people if I decided to be free, so I confined myself to my computer in my room for 3 years nearly.  I can tell this hasn't been healthy emotionally for me at all. I have just made it so it's harder for me to be around people,  I am trying to change this now.

I am glad I am finally thinking more about myself, what I want, what I need, what I want to do, without being selfish. It's so refreshing to let myself think freely, write freely, do stuff freely. I am going to possibly, maybe learn how to use the bus system over here. I think it would help me a lot, and make it easier for me to get a job even. One of my problems with getting a job is transportation. My family is very busy and a lot of the time they can't drive me places, this has caused me not to want to go places in the past because I felt like I was being a burden. If you have read a decent amount of my previous posts you know that being a burden on people is a big deal to me. I really like to make things as easy for people as I can. 

It's windy and cold today, these types of days make me think a lot and bring out a lot of emotion. i don't know what it is about wind but it always makes my mind restless and come alive. I think this is the reason I hate it when the weather is also cold. Cold weather provokes my negative and depressing thoughts sometimes. It's funny how the weather can sometimes really change your mood. I prefer the summer, or the spring. The flowers and all the plants in the spring and summer and even the leaves in the early fall make my imagination, and positive thoughts come out and make me feel energetic and relaxed. 

Anyway, sorry if this entry wasn't that interesting. I'm working on a few kind of long ones right now, can't wait until I am finished and I can post them on here.  I just don't feel right if I skip a day of posting. I love Xanga that much.  I'm just trying to pull whatever I can out of my head right now while at the same time trying not to share to many thoughts at once. if I share everything all at once what will I have left to share? 

CONFESSIONS!!! :D

1. Black people make me nervous. I'm not saying I don't like black people, in fact I love black people I think they are pretty cool. They just make me nervous for some reason. 
2. I have had 2 internet boyfriends. The first was named Ian, and the 2nd was named Richie. Ian was a total loser, I'm still friends with Richie though. I will tell you this story in a separate post though. I do NOT date on the Internet anymore. I was young and stupid back then. I'm not really proud of some of the stuff I used to do.
3. I only clean my room once a month. Reasons for this is that I am a complete organizing freak. Once I start cleaning I have to organize EVERYTHING! I am a perfectionist, but not too much. 
4. I like to put glue on my hands, let it dry and then peel it off. I think it feels cool!
5. I'm LDS but have never read the Book of Mormon myself. I read it with my family, but I'm still working on it independently.
6. In the 7th grade I enjoyed many days beating up this guy named Austin, I don't know why I liked hitting him so much but I did. 
7. I had a crush on Dylan for the equivalent of 3 and a half years. I had a crush on Darik for 5 years.  I never realized this until I started admitting that I liked Darik as a friend finally. I was in denial for so many years that I liked him at all. Darik wins this battle.
8. I've only had serious feelings for one person EVER and his name is Sam. Sam is the person I currently like and I have liked him for over 4 years now. He is that amazing yes.
9. I am not fond of people that talk a lot, especially people that talk loudly or act overly hyper. If someone wants to have a long conversation with me it better be intelligent.
10. I think sports fans are annoying and crazy.  I live in Utah, my whole family is a BYU fan, I'm a U of U fan.  hehe.
11. I at a whole bag of Starburst by myself once, one of the big bags.
12. I have an obsession with sparkles, stars, and anything that is shiny.
13. I've been playing this really crappy game called "Destiny Online" for the past 2 and a half years. Biggest waste of time in my life, I'm going to trash it soon. I've been staying for my friends but even that can't hold me there anymore. The game is a complete nightmare and the people that run it are even bigger nightmares.  I've only been pretending to like it for my friends that I have on it.
14. I spend most of my time on the computer, reading, or listening to music. Not proud of this one at all. I have been hiding from my problems for so long. I am going to start being more active, I bought running shoes yesterday and am learning Yoga as well. I am planning on going back to school soon.
15. I have never done the laundry in my whole life, my parents have always done it. You might think this is no big deal but I find it really embarrassing that I don't even know how to pay bills, do laundry, or get around the city on my own. **facepalm**
16. I have eye contact phobia.  I have nystagmus and people used to make fun of my eyes a lot so now I have a hard time looking anyone in the eyes it terrifies me a lot.
17. I have agoraphobia, it's not terrible, but it does effect me somewhat. I have a very bad fear of dogs, the stray ones that just roam around. In fact I'm so scared of them it terrifies me to even walk to the store, or step out of my house. I really need to take care of this one I know.  I do not feel safe outside at all.
18. I was terrified of most stuffed animals when I was younger, with the exception of my duck. I was also afraid of inatimate objects attacking me, and the stairs eating me when I walked up them.  Yes, as a child I did have a very over active emagination.
19. I never dyed my hair even once or until this past December. My hair color has always been natural.  I also have never used a curling iron.
20. I don't get along very well with my nieces. This one is my fault, I will tell you the story sometime. It is mostly my fault. I am trying to fix it though. 

 

I will just start with these haha.

Oh Crimson Rose (poem)

I wrote this one when I was 15 or 16 years old for a church talent show. Hope you like it!

EDIT: The audio for yesterday's poem is up! :)

 

Oh Crimson Rose ,ye love of gold
What great power doth ye behold
For great is thy mercy thy core of love
it flows so sweetly like a dove

Love doth triumph over hate
and those who are under it’s great fate
Ye river of love flow through my soul
Make me pure, oh make me whole

Love, oh force of great power
Bless this earth with your great shower
Your great infurno shining forth
Your blazing fires spreading north

When angels fall from the sky like rain
They will banish the darkness, purge all the pain
With love’s mighty arrows they will do this great task
And free this earth from her blinding mask

Why would we fly upon wings of great white
When God’s love doth make us sore with great flight
Nay! No wings need ye have
For love makes you soar with great height

Love spreads through the sky
It weaves in through light
it purges the darkness
Love gives us great sight

Love blooms like a flower, it starts out small
Soon it becomes great, beautiful and tall
Protecting this world from all things that wrong
and spreading it’s beautiful, wonderful song

Oh rose don’t fade
shine forth your power
Blanket this earth every hour
Never leave us, live forever

Shattered (poem)

 

Watch the mirror crash

lies spilled on the floor

curtains being torn down

she can't hide anymore

they stare at her unyielding

her masks slowly come off

slowly revealing her soul

as blood drops on the floor

her broken heart revealed

they laugh at her mockingly

her facade is just a joke

there's no more illusions

running towards the shadows

paper thin mirage

she silently turns to ashes

 

This one is about my fear of people seeing my weaknesses. 

 

Changed my Username!

Hey, just so everyone knows I just changed my username from Starlight_angel_79 to Empathic_Heart

I really think this username fits me really well. I have always had the power to feel other people's emotions pretty strongly. Sometimes when people talk to me, or when they write their emotions just really carry over to me and I can feel it really strongly. I have been Empathic my whole life, for as long as I can remember. I still have a lot to learn about my abilities and how to use them but I am practicing. My empathic heart still has a lot of growing to do, I'm not really perfect at reading people, but I am working on getting better so I can help others. I decided to change my name to Empathic_Heart because this is possibly the ability of mine I treasure the most.

I lost my empathy for a while from making bad decisions but now that I am changing and trying to improve and care for people more I feel like my empathic ability has been getting better. I lost it for a while, or rather blocked it out when I was trying to run away from my problems but I have been able to feel it coming back slowly, and I plan on making it stronger it is a truly wonderful gift to understand the emotions of others.  Hope you like the username. :)

I feel like this blog is fully mine now that I have the name I want. Oh, and please check out my previous post. :)

Through a Glass

So I usually drink grapejuice while I'm at the computer. Yesterday after I finished it and the glass was empty I was looking at the computer screen through it and thought "Oh that looks kinda cool". (it was the last picture).  So I decided to try it with some more stuff and post it on Xanga. Today is a good day to do this because nothing besides General Conference has been going on today. Hope you like it!

I found a picture of a cloudy sky on photobucket and used it for this picture. I would have used the sky outside but it wasn't in the right condition.

I looked up hubble photos on photobucket and took a picture. This is a nebula.

A fractal

Another fractal

A folder I found lying on the kitchen table. I thought it would be a good object to use for this.

Phone book and a plant. they were in front of a stand in front of a mirror.

Looking out of the kitchen widow into the backyard.

One of our plants

A few mini resess peanut butter cups

Inside of the bag of Resses mini peanut butter cups

My room, well part of it anyway. this was pointing towards the closet.

This is actually the first one I took it's a shot of my computer screen. I was on Xanga in this picture.

If you guys like this I will do more in the future. :)

Saturday French Toast

So this weekend is the LDS churches Semi Annual General Conference. Every 6 months my church holds a world conference, and people in the higher standings of the church give talks on the gospel and share their wisdom. Also every 6 months the Bishop of my ward holds a breakfast an hour and a half before conference starts (8am). Needless to say I was up pretty early. I got up at 7am after spending time on Xanga until 4 in the morning, so  didn't get much sleep.  Like a zombie out of the grave I dragged myself out of bed and got dressed. I spent a few minutes on Xanga after I woke up and listened to some Breaking Benjamin to wake myself up. I checked a few other websites as well, the time flew by as I did so. It was around 7:45 when I tried to do something with my hair. I took off the white bandanna that I usually wear to bed and started flipping my bangs here and there trying to get them to behave and look good. I didn't really succeed unfortunately however. I ended up putting m hair back in my ponytail and bandanna, got on my jacket, pulled on my black boots and grabbed my cell phone. I looked at the clock and was a bit puzzled by what I saw, it was 8:17am. I just stood there staring at the clock for about 3 seconds thinking about how time flies when you are trying to get your hair to behave.

I grabbed my ear buds and shoved them in my jacket pocket, then walked up the stairs and straight out the door. I would guess it was probably in the upper 40s or the lower 50s, that is what it felt like to me. the sky was decorated by pale grey clouds, I didn't think very much about the clouds except for how cool the risen sin made them look, it was pretty nice.  Usually when I go outside I have this lingering feeling of nervousness but not today for some reason. I was pretty calm and relaxed. for some of you that do not know I have a really bad fear of stray dogs. I am usually reluctant to go outside somewhat usually because of this, and I have mild Agoraphobia as well. today I did not feel afraid, I knew everything would be fine for some reason and I just started walking to my bishops house. As I was walking down the side walk I was greeted by the sounds of people playing soccer at our near by track, there were also a few people running. this just made me feel even more relaxed.

As I got further down the street to my bishops house I decided to turn on my music. I pulled out my earbuds and plugged them into my iPhone. I went to my Pandora Radio app and turned on my Nightwish radio station, it is my favorite one to listen to. I lowered the volume slightly and started walking again.  I came to the the road that goes up over the nearby canal and I walked up and down the hill and I could hear the various people mowing their lawns when I got ot the other side. It wasn't to long after that I reached my bishops house.

I knocked on the door and was greeted by one of his kids who told me to come in.

I walked through the house into the kitchen and was greeted by everyone. I was shown where the food was and I began to choose what I would eat. there was French Toast, waffles, strawberries and pineapple. There was also whipped cream and orange juice as well on the table. I grabbed 1 waffle and 1 piece of french toast and put the syrup on it then began to eat. I was kind of in my own world at that point, daydreaming and such, thinking about Sam and a few other friends of mine, and I still had my music plugged into my ears on a light volume. 

I didn't really say much to anyone I just mainly listened a little. People were talking about school and work and their lives. I didnt pay much attention to the details of what they were saying, I was kind of busy eating my food.  When I was done I just kind of wandered back ad forth around the kitchen and the living room, just listening to the various conversations. i was absent mindedly carrying around my plate, kind of in a sleepy daze from not getting very much sleep. I decided to try and get Darik and Dylan to come to the breakfast and I texed Darik telling him about it. They never came but I am glad I tried. they live across the street from my bishop's. 

I had been standing up the whole time, even while eating. I looked around for a seat and saw one at the counter, I went to go sit down. I just sat there with my empty plate in front of me listening to music. One of my neighbors that was helping out with the breakfast interrupted my half dazed daydreaming state and asked me if I wanted another piece of french toast, I just said yes. I put strawberries on this one this time however, and whipped cream.  I had fun with the whippped cream, i usually never have it. My mom doesn't really believe in buying whipped cream, it's not all that healthy.  I really enjoy it when I can for this reason, just because I don't have it very often.  I ate my strawberries and whipped cream on French toast and it was really great.

I started paying more attention to what everyone was saying after this. We started talking about our sleeping habits and why we sleep when we do. I told them I usually either go to bed early and wake up early, or go to bed late and end up waking up early anyway.  I kind of faded out of the conversation after a while and threw away my plate. I decided to hang out on the couch in the living room for a while and play games on my phone after that. I was greeted by my bishop and he asked about how my brothers were doing. I told him that my brother (T) was running and was going to be going to Indonesia for the summer for some school related thing, I forget what it is.  My other brother (P)  is in college and is trying to become an accountant.  Our conversation didn't last much longer after that. I just spent about 10 minutes after that just playing with my phone and petting my bishop's really pretty Labrador Retriever, she is totally gorgeous and is a very nice dog.

After a while if just snacking on pineapple and listening to people talk because I had nothing better to do everyone left before conference started. I left with them and walked back home.

I checked a few things on Xanga and then pulled up TweetDeck for conference.

During General Conference I opened up 2 columns in TweetDeck, one was for the hashtag #lds and the other #ldsconf. I wanted to keep up with what other people were saying and re-tweet stuff I liked. On occasion I did comment on a part of some of the talks I liked, but most of the time I pretty much just re-tweeted like an angry bird, I was doing it pretty fast. There were a lot of people that were throwing out great quotes and moments. I always try not to tweet to much during conference just because it's a destraction so I just end up re-tweeting other people's tweets if I like them. Conference was pretty neat. I really liked the talk in the first session about the value of women in the church.

In Between the 1st and 2nd sessions I just listened to music, and tried to catch up on Xanga as best as I could, I also took a short 1 hour nap before the 2nd session. I wanted to stay in bed and listen to it on my phone but my friend is in the BYU Idaho choir and they were singing in the 2nd session of General Conference. I got up when the choir started to sing, and looked for Sam in the choir and I saw him a few times! During the talks I just did the same as I did before in the last session pretty much. I did give up tweeting about 20 minutes before the 2nd session ended and just sat there in my chair listening. Surprisingly enough I fell aslep during the end (in my chair yes). I didn't sleep for too long though, once the choir started singing again I dragged myself upstairs again and looked for Sam again.

After the 2 sessions of conference had ended I just got back on Xanga and I've just been trying to catch up with people's entries as well as I can. 

Oh a random note I had a mango, orange peach jam, and almond butter sandwitch for lunch.

If anything happens I will update this later, I think I need to take a nap or something I feel dead ha ha.

EDIT: My niece and sister in law and my brother came over,  we had coliflower soup for dinner and toasted cheese sandwiches it was pretty good. I had chocolate candy for dessert. My sister had some left over candy she didn't want and she shared it. :)

Selfish

Well some of you know I am not a terribly social person, in fact I talk to you people on Xanga more than I talk to anyone in real life in all honesty.

When I was younger I was made fun of a lot and was an outcast. When I went to the school for the blind and visually impaired I made some pretty good friends we were pretty close. I was only close with 3 or 4 neighbors around me. I've always lived kind of a quiet life. I have always been mostly fine with not being that social, I never really thought about having lots of friends except for in the 6th grade, and I've never really wanted many material possessions. No one really expected me to do much because of my bad vision, and the fact that I have trouble and have always had trouble working in groups with other people. I kind of grew up with the notion that I was not needed for most things, people did not need my help.

My parents have never really made me do any chores, we never really had a set list of chores, my mom and dad usually did most of the work around the house. I didn't even think much of this, all I was required to do was clean my room on occasion when it got really messy and on occasion put the dishes away.  I never had to do yard work except for a few times when we had to pick up the apples off the ground. I was really spoiled when I was younger in all honesty.

Because I was treated so differently by a lot of people I got used to being by myself  or with my very few close friends. I got used to being spoiled at school with treats, and not having to work at home, and I developed what I call a (ME Complex). I became a little too self oriented, too focused on myself. I became a selfish person that only cared about myself.

I used to be a complete nightmare 10 years ago when I was 11.  I disrespected my friends, and called them losers. I thought everything was about me. I thought that I was the most popular and the coolest person i the world. I treated everyone outside my circle of friends with contempt, like they were dirty trash from the outside that I did not want in my space.  I was nice to my closest friends and my family. I was a really big brat to my teachers as well.

I became a little less extreme and a little nicer in the 7th grade, I was still pretty much a loner though. Brooke and Devin are younger than me so they weren't in junior high with me when I was younger. I was okay wit being alone at school most of the time. I hung around Darik and Dylan and their friends sometimes but most of the time I was just alone wandering the halls. I still had a pretty bad (ME Complex), but it wasn’t as aggressive. My ME Complex was mainly internal now. I could be pretty mean sometimes but I wasn’t as mean as I was the year before.  

In the 8th and 9th grade I hung out with Amanda and Rebecca they were my best friends. I still hung out with brooke and Amanda of course as well though. with my 4 friends I was feeling pretty good about myself, comfortable, I didn't have to do any chores, and my teachers never really expected too much of me. I was pretty relaxed. Rebecca and Amanda did have some troubles in the 9th grade that I was in the middle of but we worked it out. I will tell you that story some other time.  

Things didn't really change much after Brooke moved, I was hanging out with Amanda then and I had expected Brook would move for a while. I was also used to losing friends by now. I knew we would probably not hang out anymore, but we would always be friends no matter where she lived.  I just spent most of my days after school hanging out with Amanda and / or watching TV and playing video games.  I never even gave a second though to the fact that i never really did anything for anyone except for give advice on occasion. A few times I did clean the kitchen, but most of the time I just blew any requests off from my parents for doing anything else. As far as I was concerned the didn’t need my help and I didn’t really want to do anything for them. Thoughts like these went through my head on a regular basis and I never flinched once. Everything would work my way or I would find some way to get out of it.

The only person I hung out with in high school after brook moved away was Amanda. Rebecca and I had drifted apart.  I was so into my world I failed to see much else around me. It was just me and Amanda and a few other friends on occasion, mostly neighbors that lived close by.  If I wasn't at home watching TV and / or playing video games I would be with them also playing video games and / or watching TV.  My routine in high school was pretty simple. I woke up at 6:30am, got ready for school, got on the bus and went to school. When I was at school i sometimes had breakfast there and then went to class after that. between classes I would just wander the halls for a few minutes and daydream and think about random stuff.  During lunch I spent time with Amanda and a few other friends during the 10th and 11th grade. If i wasn't doing that then I was in the library assisting the librarian, or looking around for Darik and Dylan wondering what they were doing.  I didn't really talk to people very much inside class, except for my teachers. I had motivational problems, and confidence problems. So far as I was concerned it didn't matter if I got good grades,  just wanted to pass. I was lazy with all my assignments and didn't even flinch about it most of the time. I took advantage of my aid and didn't really try to do anything on my own, everything was abut me, me and my little bubble.  

In the 12th grade things started to fall out with my friends. I started having troubles with Eric and Amanda, and me and my few other friends were drifting apart.. I had started watching anime and had started spending more time on the Internet. My friends had jobs and / or boyfriends and we didn't really see each other very much. I spent many days after school during the 12th grade just talking to people on forums and watching anime, just fueling my reclusiveness.  I didn't do anything around the house still, actually I think I was a little worse.  If I wasn't doing this I was taking naps.  More and more I became a recluse, becoming content with being alone, or not being around people very often.  Eric had a girlfriend by this time, we hardly ever talked to each other. Amanda and I were starting to drift apart, she got a job and had a boyfriend. I no longer hung out with anyone between classes, and my friends had mysteriously changed their lunch spot without telling me. I just let this stuff sort of happen, I didn't want to worry about it.

By the middle of the 12th grade I had met Sam and Lexy.  For the first time in a while I cared about someone else genuinely beside myself. I hung out wit them at lunch, and we had a class or two together through the 2nd semester. That semester I grew so much, and learned so much about myself. Things at home were pretty much still the same, but I wasn’t as self oriented at school, it wasn’t just about me anymore.  My grades didn’t really improve, but I cared about people more. I don’t think I did enough actions to reflect that though.

By the time school ended and I graduated I felt pretty good. The downside is that I spent the whole summer alone on the computer not really dong anything.  

College came around. I didn't really have any friends through my first year of college, except for the very few times I saw Darik and Dylan I never saw any of my friends there. I was mainly alone, except for the times when I talked to Sam on the phone.

I was more self oriented than ever by now, I no longer believed that I needed to make new friends or interact with people. It was just me, Sam, and my family. I did not need anyone to intrude inside my bubble. I was happy with the way things were.  College didn't go to smoothly that year, but I made it out alive. That is a whole other story though.

I spent every waking moment alone after I was out of college after my first year. I decided I wasn't ready to go back there yet and decided to take a break.  I spent a lot of time on the computer over the last 3 years. It will be 3 years since I have been out of college in about 2 weeks from now. I have spent most of my time on the computer, not really thinking about anyone outside the Internet. I just spent my time watching anime, answering stuff on Yahoo answers, playing Destiny Online,  making friends online, etc.

It has taken me all this time to realize what this has done to me. I have been thinking about my life and how I have been living it. I haven’t really tried enough at all. Without even realizing it myself I became selfish and I lost empathy and came to fear everything around me. Social contact terrifies me in most situations. I have come to hate people and / or just dislike them. I have become so self oriented I care about little outside my bubble.  Even God isn't really that big of a part of my life right now I ignored him too as well. All of these things including the fact that I am a very prideful person have been caused by me refusing to look around at everything or anyone else. Instead of pushing my fear away and not letting it grow when it was still weak I let it grow and cause so many problems for me.  Do you think I could have avoided this outcome in my life?

I’m just glad I’m 21, because I am stilll so young I have a lot of time to fix this stuff. I have time to fix that fact that I have trouble caring about people. I have time to start doing stuff for people, I have time to start talking to God, more, I have time to get over my social fears, and reach out to people, I have time to become less prideful, I have time to try better in school, I have time to do more around the house and the yard, I have time to fix things with some of m friends, I have time for so many things and I am really glad for this.  I have realized I have so many problems, I am scared yes, and I know it will be hard to get over all of these but I am pretty sure I can do it.  Interacting with people, getting a job, reaching out to people is going to be hard.  Selfishness at this level is going to be hard to get rid of but I know that I can do it now that I fully understand just how damaging it is.  

All this stuff with my social life, and me always wanting to be alone is going to have to change. I know I can’t live my life like I have been living it lately.

These last 3 years have been a real pain for me. I have grown a lot though. True, I did cause a few more problems and I let some grow even larger, but because I have spent the last 3 years or so practically doing nothing it has opened my eyes to the fact of how my decisions in the past have effected the present and thus opened my eyes to what I need to do, and how to fix things.

I won’t lie I am really scared... I think I can do it though

If you haven't noticed by now this selfish, un epathetic, hateful, person i have become isn't me. I really do truly want to help people, I want to become more useful, I want to become more social (somewhat), I want to become closer to God, I want to be able to open my heart to people. I know I can reverse this damage.  Throughout my whole life I have been at least somewhat aware of this brighter side of me I have always been afraid of letting it grow. I am afraid of getting attention, I am afraid of becoming more noticable. I know I can do it though.  I know I can become a great person.  I can no longer afford to let this side of me just be dormant.

I'm writing about all this stuff right now because I really feel horrible about the person I am right now. Every day I an wracked with guilt. I just needed to put this down in writing, I needed to get it out. I am not happy with what my life has become. I really need to change it so I needed to get my feelings out. Thanks for reading this. :)