The Darkness Inside

I watch as the sun sets
and the moon lights up the sky
the trees are softly blowing,
all is silent (all is silent)
this is just the calm before the storm

Like the firey hell, i will break your heart
with these eyes i will break into your soul
hatred is stemming from every poor
you have no idea what is in store

overthrown by the darkness inside
the demons, (just growling and clawing at me)
see the tears, oh how they are so threatening
SOME ONE SAVE ME! SOME ONE SAVE ME!

Like the firey hell, i will break your heart
with these eyes i will break into your soul
hatred is emitting from every poor
you have no idea what is in store (you poor soul

I'm the kind who loves to pretend,
but my soul and my heart will never bend (in this silence)
this silence waiting for me the darkness emerging to overthrow me.
deep inside i yell out a scream (i hate this i hate this)

Like the firey hell, i will break your heart
with these eyes i will break into your soul
hatred is emitting from every poor
you have no idea what is in store (you poor soul)
when shadows enclose you (enclose you)
when darkness takes the light away
that is when( that is when)
I shall see a brighter day (a brighter day)

Throughout My Life I have always Sworn I would never vote For aDemocrat...

Look where I am now though? I'm looking more into things, getting the info I never looked into last time, I'm being smarter and more open minded now. I never ever thought in the past that me (as a dedicated Republican) would ever vote for a democrat. I've allays thought that they were evil and stuff, I thought that they were always wrong, and that they would destroy the country. 

I've come to see now that not everyone that is a Democrat is the same, not al of them think the same, not all their plans are the same. In the past I've never really been that interested in even looking into them. When I first heard of Barack Obama a couple of months ago when I started paying attention to the news I had my doubts at first but now he seems like the perfect candidate to me. In the process I've opened my mind to new possibilities. 

Some of it had to do with the fact that earlier in the race my parents supported him so I came t think it was okay and thus opened my mind to the possibilities. Even now even thought they are going for McCain now I still see why I should vote for Barack Obama. At this point nothing can shake my decision on the matter.

UPDATE: I voted for McCain! *cheezie 50's commercial tone*

It's been one of those days...

You know those days when you wake up expecting something good to happen but it turns out pretty normal. I'm having one of those days today. Its been pretty ordinary and boring today. I haven't really done anything but take a walk and watch anime all day. I don't really know what to do I'm so bored right now so I came on here this place is so much fun. I've noticed that I haven't been able to get on as much in the past few days. things have been crazy and stuff. 

I started going on one of my favorite sites again after being too busy to go on it for a couple of weeks. Xanga, Solia, and  COLOURlovers are my favorite websites they're what make my life more fun. 

I really don't have that much of an exciting life ha ha. Its really sad because I wish a lot that something big would happen so I would be able to write it on here. Its sad i haven't been able to think of anything really cool to write for a couple of days sits such a drag. Boring days will do that to you. 

I'm hoping something better will happen.

Camera Happy

So today I went camera happy and took like 200 pictures in a half an hour. Have you ever just gone outside with your camera and took random pictures of things that you thought were cool just for fun?

I have this cool digital camera and I haven't been using it very often but today I got this sudden urge to just take it out and snap a picture of tons of things. I took a picture of breakfast , some scenery outside and some people in my family doing things I was really loving it. I went like everywhere. =3
(Mmm pancakes)

 

 

today was so much fun I also went to the store and stuff but this was definitely the best part of my day. =3

Blood...

Okay we're all sensitive  to blood in some sense. Some of us are more than others. Some of us don't like animal blood but are good with human blood, etc. 

I was just thinking about the variations of blood squeamishness. Like, I'm afraid of animal blood it makes me want to throw up, but then I'm perfectly fine with human blood. I used to get a lot of bloody noses so I became use to blood but I've never been really good at biology and I'm not used to being around animals, and yet along inside them. Like this one time I was in biology and they were going to dissect pigs it was so gross! I couldn't even touch the thing without nearly gagging myself to death. I almost threw up several times and had to run out of the classroom.  

I'll never be able to make anything with meat so I might have to go vegetarian (just kidding)  I can't handle the meat because it makes me sick. 

I've seen humans get knives stuck in their back, have swords stuck all the way threw them, had their brains blown out, I've seen people that are totally destroyed such as in movies or photographs of people that are injured it doesn't bother me at all. I do feel a bit sad for the person though. I'm not sensitive to human blood or guts at all.

So if you are sensitive to blood what kind?

Cool Art Websites!

I’m talking about websites that you can draw or make cook art on without downloading anything. I know a few cool ones that you might like. Here they are!
Bomomo
http://bomomo.com/
bomomo is a fun little drawing tool that creates some pretty interesting brush patterns using a variety of physics and mouse behavior
Online Sketch Pad
http://www.onlinesketchpad.com/
A pretty fun tool for drawing as well. Good variety of colors and other things. I think its pretty entertaining. If you want to draw but don’t want anything too complex. Try it out!
Art.com Art Pad
http://artpad.art.com/artpad/painter/
this one is so much fun if you love to paint. You can control the transparency of the paint, its color the brush size. This website is great for people who love to paint or fool around. and what's even cooler is that you can send your work to your friends and it shows them step by step how you made it. You ca see it too before you send it. You can speed up the process or make it slower. This site looks very professional as well so check it out!
Splashup
http://www.splashup.com/
  Splashup, formerly Fauxto, is a powerful editing tool and photo manager. With all the features professionals use and novices want, it’s easy to use, works in real-time and allows you to edit many images at once. Splashup runs in all browsers, integrates seamlessly with top photo sharing sites, and even has its own file format so you can save your work in progress. (you can also make your own from scratch if you want its fun!)

 
OTHER)
Programs:
Paint.NET (like photoshop except you don't have to pay for it
GiMP (awesome professional photo editing tool (free) )

 
Websites: (other) 
deviantART
COLOURlovers
Thats all for now. if  find anymore I’ll let you know.

I walked, and I walked...

There is this track around where I live. I haven't ever really thought of it as a place to go and think when I'm stressed I haven't gone over very many times in the past. 

I've been just cooped up in here and i've been so solitary and I haven't ben paying very much to the outside and what's around me. I became afraid of everything outside and I didn't even think of going out. 

About a  week ago people were out on the field that the track surrounds and they were playing soccer. Some schools play soccer on that field. I trusted my instincts for the first time in a long time and began walking over to the track. I never noticed how badly I truly wanted to get out, how trapped I truly felt. I felt an explosion of thoughts and I felt so good because the field wa so wide and I felt like it was okay to think them in this big open space it felt really good. They just poured out and I walked and walked and let them al out sometimes I talked to myself when no one was around it felt so good! I hadn't walked very much in a long time as well I also noticed that and it felt good too1

I'd been letting my thoughts just build up and build up and i've been getting stressed and less happy I never truly noticed that until I went out. I couldn't express myself inside the house because someone might walk in and find me crying or making strange faces or something like that. 

I've been going out as many days as I can more than once  a day sometimes for the last week. I never really noticed how many people play sports and stuff on that field. I'm glad I have a place like that it feels like its mine. 

That was also the same moment I realized I needed to come back to xanga after being gone for so long. I have all these thoughts and I didn't share them like I should have.

FRIENDSHIP IS NOT A TOY!!

I've seen a lot of this crap in my lifetime where people use friendship as something they can just throw away. I can honestly say that there is nothing that can make me more pissed off than people using me as a toy.

I have been a victim of the classic "I'm only pretending to be her friend because shes different I'm only being nice I don't really like her." THIS to me is the cruelest thing anyone has done to me and now I don't trust anyone in real life to be my friend. I have been used and lied to and I've been treated like i'm stupid and like my feelings aren't relevant at all. There is hardly anything more unfair than PRETENDING to be some ones friend! 

My eyes have been made fun of because I have an eye condition that makes it so they can't stop moving, I have missing teeth, I have a ton of problems that I have had to deal with almost on my own (with family of course) because people wouldn't suck it up and try to get to know me. 

I say WHAT IS THE POINT! In the end unless if you're a jerk that doesn't care about anyone, does this get you. In the end you are going to feel guilty for what you did to that person and you are going to wish that you were a better friend to them. And to the people that believe in God what is the point if that person is going to be perfect in the next life What's the POINT?! People with disabilities and other problems that most people shun them away for are the ones that ACTUALLY need the love, the friendship the promise that they DO  matter because we do! we have brains and some of us might not be able to express ourselves very well or we might not understand some things or some people but that doesn't make us any less eligible for love and kindness. 

I've been there I've been made fun of and I've been pushed around and mentally abused by people. Its the people that treat us like dirt that are destroying this world. We can do so much and no one acknowledges us at all! 

So the next time you meet a disable person try to be more of a friend and try to be less judgmental because I would hate to see any more people become solitary because people lied to those people and pretended that they cared yo are going to destroy some ones life if you treat them badly. We only have one life to live and we should make those that are less fortunate happier because if we don't we are going to end up sad ourselves in the end.

The Future that almost Never Happened.

I just feel like a waterfall right now you can't hold me back, I can't even hold myself back right now. I've been struck by the lightning of inspiration. I wasn't always able to write this way it wasn't as easy for me to learn as a normal child could have. I feel like some of you need to her my story. 

So I've allays had learning disabilities my whole life I have a hard time catching onto things and understanding them a lot of the time at first its really hard for me to understand some things. I was born with a lot of imperfections, my vision sucks, I have Auditory Processing Delays, I have terrible social kills with people I know in person, I was the child that drove the teachers to tears because they couldn't find out to teach me. Preschool and kindergarten they just couldn't figure out how to teach me how to write and read and they couldn't figure out how I was ever going to learn. I had private tutors and stuff helping me all the time, I grasped the alphabet (mostly) but I just couldn't get anything else it was so hard. 

When I entered the first grade thats when I met MRS. "O" MRS. "O" wad absolutely determined to make it so I could read and write. She was mean, she was strict, she was basically the meanest person I remember ever meeting but she knew what she needed to do to get me where I needed to be.  I whined and complained and mad a fuss. It was hard, I hated it I hated her, I'm just glad I had good friends in that class (it was special ED by the way there were only 8 people in it so we got pretty close. I don't know how she knew it but she knew I had the talent, she wasn't reduced to tears like everyone else even though I was so stubborn and difficult to teach. She was able to help me in not only reading and writing but stuff like math as well. She was able to get me just far enough that she could send me off to the 2nd grade with confidence that I would get the help I needed. 

The help I needed was not at that school anymore as my 2nd grade teacher found out because she couldn't figure out how to teach me either. I moved to the School for the blind and visually impaired. It was the biggest waist of my life so far as discipline but they go their jobs done. I learned how to multiply and other basic math skills even deeper then but what really shocked everyone was how fast I began to catch onto writing and what a lightning fast reader and typer I was. I learned cursive, and vocabulary, I still had a lot of trouble with grammar but I at least knew how to speak and I could read short books. 

While I was there I learned braille as well (even though I'm not blind I just have bad vision). I found the key to learning english it was reading. through reading I learned how t spell and I learned abut the basic sentence. I eventually worked up to writing my first song and it became school wide famous because I won the school reflection contest with it? I ended up being so far in reading that I was 5 levels ahead of everyone in my class. I still sucked at everything else though except for writing even though I wasn't very good at grammar yet. 

So I was in that school and read my first chapter book when I was in 4th grade. It was an Alfred Hitchcock book called "The Secret of Terror Castle' that looked interesting to me. I still have it they gave it to me at the library to keep. The only mistake I made when I was reading it was not noticing that it was supposed to be read from front to back I had no concept of "chapters" yet believe it or not it was my first time trying to read one. When my teacher told me abut reading it from front to back I felt stupid and it made sense to me in about 5 seconds. 

When I left that school I knew the basics of reading and writing enough to let me go to regular school and not drive everyone mad. 

It was hard and the next 2 years (5 and 6th grade I was in a resource class where they helped me on reading comprehension and more reading.

Junior high was more of the same I got a little better at grammar though. 

Okay what i'm skipping to now was probably the defining moment of my life previous to the 10th grade I hated writing It doesn't make sense to me much the grammar was confusing I had trouble seeing the board and stuff and I just hated it I didn't even read that much except for in class when we read books together as a class. 

in the 10th grade that is when I met Mr. R he was awesome he coached basketball he was fun and I just really liked him a lot. HE is the person that got me to love writing. I was taught with these old school ghetto books he had us open them up and we went from chapter to chapter and it all make sense to me because for once in my life I had the material in front of me in one place AND I could hear how to do it he explained it so well and for the first time in my life it all mad sense to me and I understood grammar and I loved that class. That is when I started to blossom as a writer. I started reading as well I read a ton of books every week I couldn't stop myself from reading like a maniac and taking everything in it was like part of me was exploding out and I was starting to find me. Then the last 2 years of high school were more of the same and I just got better and better and I builded up more and more confidence and more skills.

I'm not perfect at grammar yet but I am a lot better than I used to be. I just have this confidence issue or maybe its just a laziness issue I'm trying to work through.  When I went into college my first year I did crash but thats because I was a little lazy I made a promise to my Advanced Critical Thinking and Reading Teacher (yes! Advanced) that I would come back when I was ready and I would make it the next time. 

I still read a lot and I write a ton still as you can see and I think that if I just stay put on here I'll just get more inspiration and I'll just get even better at this skill I need so badly to perfect. I hope I explained this well enough I tried to stay way from the un necessary parts as much as I could but that is just the basic story of how I became to be a blogger/ writer. I'll some day publish a book that tells it in more detail for you guys.

I Feel the music

 (EDIT: 2014 - Inserted picture is from an anime called "K-ON")

I've always felt the music. Ever since I was a baby it has always penetrated my heart and soul, wrapped me in its chains and never let me go for any reason. Music is a part of me, it pierces me like a knife, it gives me the chills like the wind, it drenches me like the rain, and burns me like fire. 

It resounds in my head, a never ending symphony of eternal music. I can't stop it I can't control it, I don't even want to control it, I let it control me without complaints. Its always there, the music is always there inside my head, singing to me, dancing for me, moving for me. 

There is but one love I have that I love equally if not stronger and that fuels me to love the music even more. My beautiful gift for writing, it also has its beautiful chains wrapped around me. I breathe for both, I live for both, I'll die loving them both. I want to share this gift with the world, sadly I do not play any instruments yet. That is the one mistake that I should have not made. The only one time I have betrayed music, the only time I have waisted it. 

I hoe some day I can weave my two gifts together and open people's hearts with my songs. When I do manage to entwine them successfully they pierce other people's hearts as well. My heart, my soul, my love is what makes those words so strong and unbreakable, what makes me so unbreakable, I'm only unbreakable when those two gifts work together. 

If music embraces you or one of your children don't try and push it away it will take care of them like hardly any person will on this earth, ti will shape their minds to be strong if you lt it grow, it will flower in their minds and open their imaginations. Don't keep it in a box, don't treat it like trash, don't treat it like something everyone can have. Not everyone can fell and appreciate the music, not everyone can see it's true beauty.

Willy Wonka

Man it would be so cool if he was real. People need to learn how to use their imagination the way he used his. I seriously believe that if we all did that people would be a lot happier. 

I don't mean the NEW Willy Wonka I mean the old one from the old "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" movie.

People need to learn how to think outside the box more we don't do that enough these days and need to learn how to again. There are so many people that judge others and think they're right and think that what they believe is right. Its okay to believe what you believe but don't shove it in peoples faces without their consent. People are becoming afraid of change and they fear what comes next when they should be excited. What fun is living if you always know what is going to happen next. 

People need to stop being greedy and selfish. the root of all our problems these days is money and selfishness. Everything bad that is happening in this world has to do with everything that I just mentioned above. We re at war because we think outside the box. Our economy is crashing because we are being unwise with money and we are being greedy and not using it right. We are being selfish and not thinking about helping others its all about me me me me me! Well I have news for you its not all about you and thinking that way is just going to make the world worse. The whole world just needs to suck it up and get with the program. People use this world like its something they can just play with and not take care of. The bad people are rising and the good people are becoming to timid to do anything its a disgrace. 

I read about these old days and I hear about them from my parents and grand parents and things used to be different. Sure there was disease and war but we were all together we knew what was important and not important but somewhere along the way we lost our way and now we're screwing ourselves.  We listen to what is popular and what is good from someone else instead of listening to ourselves and being ourselves. We're letting this government throw us around like rag dolls and they're taking advantage of that. THE PEOPLE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE GOVERNMENT THE GOVERNMENT IS SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROLLED BY THE PEOPLE! Other wise they get greedy and power hungry and they stop doing things the the good of everyone else and start thinking of what they want and what they need and they stop thinking about us. this is happening to us and we are just ignoring it. 

This post was supposed to be about chocolate and candy but look where it went. Willy Wonka even though he was fictional was a great person! We can be like him we can have good imaginations and so what we like and we don't have to stay inside our little boxes. Its time for us to break out!

Cleaning the Bathroom for the first time...

Yeah for the first time because I've been a lazy bum. I had no idea how to do it. I've never had to deal with chemicals and stuff like that it was scary. I had no idea it would be that scary especially when I was cleaning the toilet and I was using this stuff and it can like melt your flesh off and it was scary! 

I also did a load of laundry, I've never done that before either I had to learn what goes in each load and how to turn on the washer and dryer and stuff like that Its still a little confusing. 

Before my parents always did everything for me. I would do the dishes every once in a while and clean my room and sometimes vacuum but thats about it. I feel a little guilty and stupid right now as I'm typing this its pretty sad, I'm sure most of you agree. 

So I'm finally starting to clean the house without being asked because of my mom not being able to work the way she used to. I'm a little irritated but there is nothing I can really do about it. *sigh*

19 Things to do with your boyfriend!! :)

If you have some better ones please tell me about them. ^^

(One for every year I’ve lived)
Go down a water slide in his lap
kiss him on the cheek
by stuffed animals with him
make him give you piggy back rides
let him play with your hair while watching a cute movie
fall asleep on a couch
frolick in a meadow
tell stupid jokes to each other
sit in front of a river holding his hand
get stuck in a thunderstorm
kiss lying in a bed of flowers
go star gazing
go to a toy store and just play around
buy a bunch of glow sticks and wear them in the dark while doing the Cha Cha.
watch the sunset on the roof of a house
get sick together and take care of each other
go to a drive in movie (if those still exist *tear*)
play video games together
never let go of him forever.

Weird Stage in Life...

I'm at that weird stage of life where your not quite a teenager but not quite an adult. Those few months before you enter the terrible twenties and your still figuring out where to start in life. 

Maybe I've been enjoying my teen years to much, maybe my parents have been spoiling me. I feel guilty, I feel like I haven't done enough for them when they do almost everything for me. this whole thing with my mom having health problems and my whole family going through a hard time has opened my eyes. I'm probably the most fortunate person in my family. I don't have health problems, I don't have to worry about school right now, I have a ton of free time, I'm basically free. Since most of my real life friends have left me for some odd reason to have new friends I don't really have to worry about that either. 

Now that my eyes are opened I'm starting to feel this pressure that I've never had to deal with before. My family is pressuring me and telling me to get a  job, and to hep out with paying for stuff all of the sudden. I know its for my mom but I still feel so young! I may be 19 but I don't look, act, feel, or think like I'm 19. My friends say that I have the wrong age. I'm smart and stuff and I can thinK through things like an adult but I still have that strong urge to be young and its causing me problems. Its a problem for me I haven't even thought about getting a job (not seriously anyway).  I don't even know where to start now that I'm finally being pulled into this world, the real world of chaos and sadness, of war, and of disagreements. 

There are so many people I know I need to help but I'm a little scared. I feel so young but old, my personality has like 2 halves and they constantly have a war against each other.  I'm afraid to get a  job, I'm afraid of the real world I'm afraid of the people that I might meet. I know this probably sounds silly but its true. I'm not exactly the most social person and if I tried to actually say these things that I have written down I would probably loose my voice. ha ha.  so much to say.  I don't think that I was built for actually talking. My kind of talking is typing. 

I hope this made sense. **laugh**

Afraid to Die (Or Rather of How I Will Die)

No I'm not dying!! I'm just afraid to die here is why!

Okay so I'm LDS as (some) of you know. So we believe that the world will ending like the next 100 years or so (possibly 50 or less actually that's the message I've gotten). Its got something to do with the revelations we get or something like that its confusing to a person that doesn't believe. 

I've always hoped to just live my life to a rip old age but when I heard about this I began to become scared and think about how I'll probably die if I don't die of old age and it scares me! You can't imagine how useless my life feels now. I try not to feel that way but Its very hard not to do so. I'm trying to do what I love now so I have no regrets later.

How I think I'll probably die.

• shot, or gassed, or blown up in world war 3
• crushed by a giant sized piece of mountain when that earthquake that is supposed to happen any moment over here happens
• drown to death in a flood caused by a giant title wave from the lake nearby because of the earthquake.
• burn to death from lava
• kidnapped an d murdered because I love the internet too much
• falling off a cliff and going splat
• getting some kind of future epidemic or pandemic and gurgling my way slowly into a painful death.
• dying of worry (jk)

I guess those are the best ones you can probably see why I'm so afraid to die. Sometimes I wish I didn't believe... It really sucks.  

I wish I could just make it disappear. I want to become famous and live a life giving advice to people. I want to die of old age and not of some retarded thing like the Bird Flu or something. 

Comments pwease!!